Did she really care? Really concerned about me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I asked this in a different thread but decided also to post it separately because I wanted to get as much insight as I could.


Why did she always insist that she was so concerned about me? I mean, she never was concerned about me when she was hurting me, when she was really going after me. She never withheld any of her punches out of concern. And even after she would tell me, or have my mom tell my parents that she was Concerned about me she would make no connection that it was HER causing me the pain! Even after she kept saying she was concerned about me, did I get any sort of apology? Any sort of "I'm sorry?" Sort of, only after I begged her for one, and even then it was just "ok I'll take that statement back", never ever ever an "I'm sorry", only I ever used those words. She NEVER ONCE just said those magical words "I'm sorry." Oh no it was always "I'm concerned about you" "I care about you." Never just a freaking "I'M SORRY".

To be honest: whenever she said she was "concerned about me," it made me feel belittled. Like I was someone who couldn't handle things. Needed her "concern" just to get by. I HATED whenever she used that word "concern" It makes me feel like she's the better one. Like she's more secure and I'm just this raving suicidal person. God I hated so much when she kept saying that at me. Even having her mom call my dad to say that "my daughter was concerned about reece but was too scared to call you herself" I mean she's not some sort of expert, she's not a psychiatrist, who does she think she is having all this "Concern"

And yet, I still feel like the bad guy. I still feel like I trampled on the girl who had concern for me. And I don't know what to do.

Has anyone else ever had their partner always act and say that they "are concerned about them?"

Was she really ever concerned about me? And what the HECK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

[Reecer1588]

I asked this in a different thread but decided also to post it separately because I wanted to get as much insight as I could.


Why did she always insist that she was so concerned about me? I mean, she never was concerned about me when she was hurting me, when she was really going after me. She never withheld any of her punches out of concern. And even after she would tell me, or have my mom tell my parents that she was Concerned about me she would make no connection that it was HER causing me the pain! Even after she kept saying she was concerned about me, did I get any sort of apology? Any sort of "I'm sorry?" Sort of, only after I begged her for one, and even then it was just "ok I'll take that statement back", never ever ever an "I'm sorry", only I ever used those words. She NEVER ONCE just said those magical words "I'm sorry." Oh no it was always "I'm concerned about you" "I care about you." Never just a freaking "I'M SORRY".

To be honest: whenever she said she was "concerned about me," it made me feel belittled. Like I was someone who couldn't handle things. Needed her "concern" just to get by. I HATED whenever she used that word "concern" It makes me feel like she's the better one. Like she's more secure and I'm just this raving suicidal person. God I hated so much when she kept saying that at me. Even having her mom call my dad to say that "my daughter was concerned about reece but was too scared to call you herself" I mean she's not some sort of expert, she's not a psychiatrist, who does she think she is having all this "Concern"

And yet, I still feel like the bad guy. I still feel like I trampled on the girl who had concern for me. And I don't know what to do.

Has anyone else ever had their partner always act and say that they "are concerned about them?"

Was she really ever concerned about me? And what the HECK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

[tjay933]

what you are describing sounds a lot like something a master manipulator would say. they will say something to imply there is something wrong with you whenever you are doing something or feeling something they disapprove of. after a while, you start to cease doing those things so they won't imply something is wrong. for example, if you are studying and not paying enough attention to them, they might say, "are you feeling alright?" as if they really care. every time they see you studying or not paying enough attention to them, they will say the same thing. after a while, we start not studying because subconsciously we start to associate the studying with the "not feeling alright" comment. we may even start to feel sick every time we start to study. they therefore manipulate you into doing what they really want, paying more attention to them. mine is now trying to manipulate my son into getting me to do what he wants through my son. he tells my son that I'm not feeling alright when I am just because I'm not doing what he wants me to. my son then asks me if I'm alright. same tactic, used through another person (innocent person at that). this is an abusers way of keeping you in check.

Know that you are NOT alone in this. it is very common practice for BPDs and manipulators. feel free to write all you feelings here. nobody will ask what is wrong because we have all lived it-and continue to fight with it. writing is very therapeutic and will help you as well to sort out what is really going on.

Have you done much reading on BPDs? on abusive relationships? are you in therapy? these are also some ways to learn to deal with pwBPD.

Stay safe. 

[Reecer1588]

I am now currently in complete radio silence with my ex, have been for weeks.

I guess what I'm looking for is to WHY she kept insisting she had concern for me.

I am a pretty avid user of this site, largely because the truth is, I did strike back at her. If you've read some of the stuff I've sent her, if it's not judged right, it seems like I just kept attacking her, and I'm sure that's how she took it. I mean read reply #9: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0     That was the very last direct contact my ex and I ever had. Look at the hurtful things I said to her. That's what makes me question myself, because I sent that text to her AFTER she had made all those concern remarks.

I appreciate your answer. Looking forward to more insight on why she kept saying that to me but never just apologizing. Never making any connection that it was her who was causing me pain.

Even after reading your answer, I still seek for more insight onto this specific thing she did.

[tjay933]

PwBPD live in a different reality than we do. In their reality it is all about them. what they can get and one-upmanship. they NEED to have power-over you and everyone else in order to feel any self-worth. Their view of self worth can only be measured by how many people are under/less than them. saying she had concern for you put her one up on you in her mind. that made her feel that she was better than you in some way. it is a competition for first place and only one will win. In our reality, we all work together to accomplish a common goal, we all win just for running and we are all equal and we rejoice in each others victories. not so in theirs.

Hope you find the answers you seek.

[Invictus01]

I just don't think they can grasp that what they are doing is actually hurting the other person. Remember, we are talking about a grown up with an emotional development of a 5-7 year old. How many times have you seen a kid that age be just flat out mean to another kid. On purpose too. However often do you hear them say "I'm sorry"? Most of the time, not until a parent drags that kid by his/her arm and orders an apology.

[Reecer1588]

I just don't think they can grasp that what they are doing is actually hurting the other person. Remember, we are talking about a grown up with an emotional development of a 5-7 year old. How many times have you seen a kid that age be just flat out mean to another kid. On purpose too. However often do you hear them say "I'm sorry"? Most of the time, not until a parent drags that kid by his/her arm and orders an apology.

Appreciate it. That's a good answer for why she won't ever say she's sorry.

Still looking for why the whole "concern" thing.

Thank you all for reading my writings, and for responding. I always look forward to reading what y'all have to say.

Please feel free to keep writing on this subject of this thread. This is a really important thing for me

[Reecer1588]

I would just be surprised if no one here has had an Ex use this line of "concern" on them, or something to that effect.

[vbor]

Yes. Mine used the word "concern" too. She was "concerned" for her Father's failing health as well as my own. She told me that often.

It confused me because... .ummm... .I am perfectly healthy. Clean bill of health my last physical less than a year ago.

Something else to add... .she would sometimes pick up my kids from school when I was running late. During our last week together, she asked both my kids "if their Father was going crazy."

I still haven't put the pieces of that puzzle together yet.

[apollotech]

what you are describing sounds a lot like something a master manipulator would say. they will say something to imply there is something wrong with you whenever you are doing something or feeling something they disapprove of. 

they therefore manipulate you into doing what they really want, paying more attention to them.

tjay933, I am of the same opinion. The "I'm concerned" is a form of manipulation. It also, as stated somewhere else here, puts the "concerned" individual above the individual receiving the concern. The "concerned" individual has placed him/herself in a position of authority just by insinuating that they can extend comfort/help/empathy/etc. It automatically entails that the "concerned" has the power and control (although unseen) in the exchange.

Reecer1588, my BPDexgf occasionally would say "I'm sorry." Unfortunately, her "I'm sorry's" were never connected to anything. They almost always came in a re-engagement text, where she would simply state that she was sorry but that she didn't know what she was sorry for... .if you're sorry for everything than you take no responsibility for anything.

If you watch their actions instead of listening to their words you will arrive at the truth.

[Reecer1588]

what you are describing sounds a lot like something a master manipulator would say. they will say something to imply there is something wrong with you whenever you are doing something or feeling something they disapprove of. 

they therefore manipulate you into doing what they really want, paying more attention to them.

tjay933, I am of the same opinion. The "I'm concerned" is a form of manipulation. It also, as stated somewhere else here, puts the "concerned" individual above the individual receiving the concern. The "concerned" individual has placed him/herself in a position of authority just by insinuating that they can extend comfort/help/empathy/etc. It automatically entails that the "concerned" has the power and control (although unseen) in the exchange.

Reecer1588, my BPDexgf occasionally would say "I'm sorry." Unfortunately, her "I'm sorry's" were never connected to anything. They almost always came in a re-engagement text, where she would simply state that she was sorry but that she didn't know what she was sorry for... .if you're sorry for everything than you take no responsibility for anything.

If you watch their actions instead of listening to their words you will arrive at the truth.

I agree with you about the control thing. The thing I wanted to assert again is, were this genuine concern, she would have done something MORE than just say "I'm concerned"

Like I dunno, be nice to me?

[Infern0]

Something I have seen my BPD do is actively gaslight her former partner to the extent he was so stressed out that he started to snap at her.

What she did was set up situations that would stress him out  (hanging out with other guy "friends" who he knew were keen on her, then when she's with them she would ignore his calls or texts then go home like an hour or two later than agreed.

Obviously she's told him where she's going and he's trying to stay calm and not be controlling but it was set up in such a way that the guy was eventually going to lose it and snap.

When he snapped she would then accuse him of being abusive and saying he needed to go to therapy because he had trust issues and it wasn't fair for him to take it out on her. She also was "concerned" about him at this time but it didn't stop her from continuing this kind of behavior.

In the end she left him and was able to paint herself as the victim of this controlling abusive guy who all her friends and family were telling her to get away from.

You know as opposed to just being honest and saying she's not happy in the relationship and wants to break up in a civilized manner.  That'd be crazy!

[Reecer1588]

Something I have seen my BPD do is actively gaslight her former partner to the extent he was so stressed out that he started to snap at her.

What she did was set up situations that would stress him out  (hanging out with other guy "friends" who he knew were keen on her, then when she's with them she would ignore his calls or texts then go home like an hour or two later than agreed.

Obviously she's told him where she's going and he's trying to stay calm and not be controlling but it was set up in such a way that the guy was eventually going to lose it and snap.

When he snapped she would then accuse him of being abusive and saying he needed to go to therapy because he had trust issues and it wasn't fair for him to take it out on her. She also was "concerned" about him at this time but it didn't stop her from continuing this kind of behavior.

In the end she left him and was able to paint herself as the victim of this controlling abusive guy who all her friends and family were telling her to get away from.

You know as opposed to just being honest and saying she's not happy in the relationship and wants to break up in a civilized manner.  That'd be crazy!

HA.   Yes that would be crazy! My ex girlfriend doesn't really have the social skills to just go out and hang out with anyone, let alone a group of guys. So I had that going for me.

As it comes for gaslighting, well of course my ex did it to me. I was this crazy, suicidal person. You know, someone who needed her concern. Not this upper-class, educated, tri-lingual and fairly all around good guy. Nawww I'm a nutjob. It's not like I have friends and connections from all over the world or anything like that. Nawwwww. I'm a nutjob.

Did she ever think "hmmm maybe I'm the one that causes him to act this way to me... ., maybe I'm the reason he would act any differently than he normally does, not an aggressive bone in his body... ."

nahhhh    

[apollotech]

what you are describing sounds a lot like something a master manipulator would say. they will say something to imply there is something wrong with you whenever you are doing something or feeling something they disapprove of. 

they therefore manipulate you into doing what they really want, paying more attention to them.

tjay933, I am of the same opinion. The "I'm concerned" is a form of manipulation. It also, as stated somewhere else here, puts the "concerned" individual above the individual receiving the concern. The "concerned" individual has placed him/herself in a position of authority just by insinuating that they can extend comfort/help/empathy/etc. It automatically entails that the "concerned" has the power and control (although unseen) in the exchange.

Reecer1588, my BPDexgf occasionally would say "I'm sorry." Unfortunately, her "I'm sorry's" were never connected to anything. They almost always came in a re-engagement text, where she would simply state that she was sorry but that she didn't know what she was sorry for... .if you're sorry for everything than you take no responsibility for anything.

If you watch their actions instead of listening to their words you will arrive at the truth.

I agree with you about the control thing. The thing I wanted to assert again is, were this genuine concern, she would have done something MORE than just say "I'm concerned"

Like I dunno, be nice to me?

That would have been answered by her actions. What did you observe?

[Infern0]

Oh yeah I forgot to add when we broke up the first time and she replaced me but wanted to be friends and kept on pushing the damn friends thing. I kept on and on asking for space because I was heartbroken and had been gaslit to the point that I didn't know left from right.  Anyway she kept saying she was  "concerned" for me and wanting to meet up so I did and her  "concern" was BS.

I think sometimes they "want" to be a good person but in their disordered brains they just have no idea what that actually means.

[Reecer1588]

My exgf and I did at some points have pretty insignificant small talk. So

I guess she COULD be 'nice' to me. But if I said anything about the past she would just flip out and say "BUT IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME WITHOUT BRINGING UP THE PAST WELL THEN GOODNIGHT" So you know, she would just run away.

Surprised to hear about not being the only one whose BPD gfs used that word "concern" at them.

Then again, sometimes it really is like they all follow a playbook.

[Reecer1588]

My exgf and I did at some points have pretty insignificant small talk. So

I guess she COULD be 'nice' to me. But if I said anything about the past, such as "would you apologize for sending blackmail to my mom?" she would just flip out and say "BUT IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME WITHOUT BRINGING UP THE PAST WELL THEN GOODNIGHT" So you know, she would just run away.

Surprised to hear about not being the only one whose BPD gfs used that word "concern" at them.

Then again, sometimes it really is like they all follow a playbook.

[Invictus01]

tjay933, I am of the same opinion. The "I'm concerned" is a form of manipulation. It also, as stated somewhere else here, puts the "concerned" individual above the individual receiving the concern. The "concerned" individual has placed him/herself in a position of authority just by insinuating that they can extend comfort/help/empathy/etc. It automatically entails that the "concerned" has the power and control (although unseen) in the exchange.

Reecer1588, my BPDexgf occasionally would say "I'm sorry." Unfortunately, her "I'm sorry's" were never connected to anything. They almost always came in a re-engagement text, where she would simply state that she was sorry but that she didn't know what she was sorry for... .if you're sorry for everything than you take no responsibility for anything.

If you watch their actions instead of listening to their words you will arrive at the truth.

I think many of them somewhere deep down inside realize that it isn't natural to be so empty and void of any emotions, so all this "emotional" talk you get from them is just an attempt to fit in and try to come across as "normal". Something they have learned what "normal" people tend to say. Look how many stories read pretty much identical in how they behave and talk. The problem is that you rarely can "fake" normal when it comes to emotions. So, nons are looking at this giant disconnect between words and everything else and going "what the heck"?

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I concur, "concern" is not used to evoke genuine, worrisome concern for your well-being in this instance.  It is a belittling, minimizing term, a way to prod you for control and some sort of reaction.

My ex did tell me "I'm sorry" several times.  That doesn't mean she meant it, only that she wanted me to forgive her, and then everything would be as it was before - no change on her actions, unfortunately for me.

[apollotech]

My exgf and I did at some points have pretty insignificant small talk. So

I guess she COULD be 'nice' to me. But if I said anything about the past, such as "would you apologize for sending blackmail to my mom?" she would just flip out and say "BUT IF YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME WITHOUT BRINGING UP THE PAST WELL THEN GOODNIGHT" So you know, she would just run away.

Surprised to hear about not being the only one whose BPD gfs used that word "concern" at them.

Then again, sometimes it really is like they all follow a playbook.

The action is emphasized. I'd say that that's not representative of true concern, but rather it represents control, manipulation, and, ultimately, immaturity.

[Reecer1588]

The action is emphasized. I'd say that that's not representative of true concern, but rather it represents control, manipulation, and, ultimately, immaturity.

Funny that you say "immaturity". When everything was going to hell in a handbasket, she often called me the immature one. The things I said to her, e-mails I sent her, she always called me immature.

Why did she do that?

[Infern0]

The action is emphasized. I'd say that that's not representative of true concern, but rather it represents control, manipulation, and, ultimately, immaturity.

Funny that you say "immaturity". When everything was going to hell in a handbasket, she often called me the immature one. The things I said to her, e-mails I sent her, she always called me immature.

Why did she do that?

Mine tells me  she's "way more maturer than me"

Sigh

[Reecer1588]

thanks for the support infern0.

I'm just curious as to WHY my ex kept referring to me as immature. I mean over and over that was her buzzline.

[Reecer1588]

thanks for the support infern0.

I'm just curious as to WHY my ex kept referring to me as immature. I mean over and over that was her buzzline.

Before anyone else chimes in, I just wanted to say that with some thought, I think this was a clear sign of Projection, she was really the one who acted immature, but she projected that behavior onto me.

[tjay933]

consider it just another one of the many lies they tell. mostly to try to convince themselves. i often got "i'm sorry" followed by "it's not my fault" or "i can't help it" or "if you'd stop doing . . . then i wouldn't . . ."

[Infern0]

thanks for the support infern0.

I'm just curious as to WHY my ex kept referring to me as immature. I mean over and over that was her buzzline.

Before anyone else chimes in, I just wanted to say that with some thought, I think this was a clear sign of Projection, she was really the one who acted immature, but she projected that behavior onto me.

Yup that's exactly what it is.  They accuse you of being everything they are.

[Reecer1588]

I appreciate it. I now will let anyone reading this thread respond back to the original question at hand   

[apollotech]

thanks for the support infern0.

I'm just curious as to WHY my ex kept referring to me as immature. I mean over and over that was her buzzline.

I'd say it was one or a combination of three things: 1) you were acting immaturely in that particular situation, 2) she was projecting her own immaturity onto you, or 3) she was telling you that to gain control of the situation. As I stated earlier, the truth is in their actions. Holding your tongue, patience, and listening coupled with observation will reveal an awful lot of information when dealing with people.

[raisins3142]

thanks for the support infern0.

I'm just curious as to WHY my ex kept referring to me as immature. I mean over and over that was her buzzline.

She knew what would get under your skin.  You are still thinking of it after the break up.  So, she might have saw a button to push and pushed it over and over.  Not to say that you are immature or wrong to bring this up here, just that she saw a button perhaps and that is why she used it, just to get a reaction and to hurt you.  :)on't let her win on that front.

Mine knew I used to stutter and have social anxiety.  I don't anymore, I am well liked, and a big part of my job is public speaking.  But she would often mention how my awkwardness was so cute.  I'm not awkward, but she knew that she could upset me there.

[Infared]

I would just be surprised if no one here has had an Ex use this line of "concern" on them, or something to that effect.

If she is "concerned" for you... she is in the drivers seat. She, in her mind, has power and control. She is superior to you and you are weak.

[patientandclear]

Infern0, I really appreciate you demonstrating you register and care about what your BPD SO did to the guy immediately after and before you.  It does matter.  When you decided to start up again with her, on condition she leave this guy, who was reportedly suicidal, I kept wanting to write "but she is the same person who would do all that (cheating, abandonment with immediate reconnection to her ex) to this other guy."  It is tempting to get caught up in a feeling that we are "winning" and someone else is "losing."  But what we are winning is the same person who harmed others in this very significant way.