it is all about them

[UnforgivenII]

It is helping me a lot Reading books of healing from the Narcissists. I know that BPD are supposed not to be so evil and empathy lacking, but in the end it's all about them. Always. And it IS narcissistic. Silent treatment, discard... .my God. He never loved me. He loved himself.

That's it

[married21years]

the need you to support them to remove their pain

but if you get to close they fear losing you so they push you away

you can love them on their terms only, they are not honest about those terms and the rules will change

its like playing a game with a child the game is called i win!

[SoMadSoSad]

I think it's the opposite of a game for them. For them I believe it's all about survival it's just their coping mechanisms are childish.

[married21years]

I think it's the opposite of a game for them. For them I believe it's all about survival it's just their coping mechanisms are childish.

they dont see it as a game, just what it seems like to us

yes there reality is changing to reduce their stress, to remove their pain

this is their coping mechanism

[Mutt]

Hi UnforgivenII,

I think that being self centered is not a trait that is synonymous with BPD, some people have little awareness of their surroundings and have a difficult time putting themselves in someone else shoes and seeing their perspective, I think that empathy is required for a healthy relationship with thinking about the other person.

A pwBPD don't lack emapthy but have a difficult time with it when they are overwhelmed with their own emotions. For example, if my put myself in my exBPDw place and picked hyper vigilance, I can see how she would be per-occupied with scanning for perceived or real rejections and that would leave little room for her to think about my needs. It helps to learn about coping mechanisms as someone said to depersonalize the behaviors, it's not personal to me.

[Stripey77]

 


I have all of these thoughts, fleetingly, from time to time, especially in light of the current round of unkind treatment (i.e. ST) I am being made subject to.

However, it's not true. He absolutely and without doubt did, and perhaps in some way does, love me. I suspect yours did/does too. Don't fall too far on your sword, you didn't imagine it all, I promise you. That's why we're all here, trying to make sense of the huge disparity between the amazing love we felt, and being dropped like a rock from the sky, for many almost without warning.


It is well known, and documented, that many if not all BPD absolutely DO love and they meant exactly what they said at the time when they said it. Research it. The net result may be the same, sadly, I appreciate that, but I know I didn't imagine those feelings, or that they were reciprocated.


You may have seen me post this elsewhere, but my undiagnosed ex-BF, who I suspect has several traits of BPD, is very lucid much of the time. Even in a drunken heart to heart when he was projecting and finger pointing. And during such a conversation about 2 months ago, he suddenly told me, in a moment of almost heart wrenching clarity, how very very happy I'd made him and that he'd enjoyed every single moment with me... .until the darkness took over in his brain. The problem is in his brain,  he said, not with me, he hoped I knew that.


This speaks volumes to me. He has since swung back to Mr. Hyde... .dark and moody, ST, totally ignoring me. But he knows, and I know, what was said that night, and I know it to be the truth. His behaviour now doesn't detract from my confidence that he did love me, not least of all because this confession came months after he left me, and was relatively recent. So the thoughts are still there.

I am sure you were loved. You may well still be. It's just that the love is so horribly flawed.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Reading Stripey77's post makes me feel better about what I just went through.  When my exBPDgf ended things she said it broke her heart to do so, maybe she meant that.   

[Stripey77]

It probably did, just perhaps not in the way we might understand it.

My ex has told me several times that I should 'forget him and hate him'. That there's something wrong with his brain. That he hopes I can heal it. That he doesn't deserve me... .because of the way he's treated me. That he can't even explain to himself what it is that's wrong. Am I sure, am I sure about that that I still love him? He doesn't deserve it.

Going by the horrific unkindnesses he's shown me since the first break up, I would concur, he doesn't deserve me at ALL. The pain he's put me through is immeasurable. Going by the vulnerable, turmoiled man I've seen swinging between projecting and self hatred, who tells me he loves me but that I should hate him (it's almost 'save yourself!' who says he hates me but minutes later is kissing me and looking anguished and pained... .I am in NO doubt that there is love there.  He is currently yet again pretending I don't even exist when he passes me on the street but that doesn't take away from what he told me some weeks ago. If he were non-BPD,  it would (actions speak louder than words, etc.) But when it comes to our special people in (and out) of our lives, we can't apply those rigid frameworks.

Through 6 months of hostile ST, being ghosted and even attempts to turn others against me, even on my darkest, most tearful days  in the pit of despair, and probably depression... .I knew he would be back. I couldn't believe that he had made up that connection we have. You couldn't make it up.

It turned out I was right. As I said earlier, the net result is exactly the same. But I know it bothers him as much as it shakes me up, to see me in town. After all, it's him running away (literally) displaying signs of nervousness/anxiety as he does so.

If he didn't love me, he would be entirely indifferent, and he is far from that.