I hate her...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know I've probably asked this question already but here goes.

How can I get away from my relationship, the past, just walk away and never think about it again?

I hate her, I see her when I look at our son. I am sick of all this. I don't care if I ever understand her, I don't want to know.

I JUST WANT OUT!

I don't want to be around her family, hearing things about her. How crazy and sick she is.

I DON'T CARE!

I HATE HER! I wish I'd never met her!
I hate everything about her

How can I love our son when I want her to disappear?

I want to enjoy my life, leave all this insanity behind me.

I've had enough of BPD and I'm done worrying about what that crazy b###h will do next.

My son is our only connection

What am I willing to do to get away, forever?

[JerryRG]

I know I've probably asked this question already but here goes.

How can I get away from my relationship, the past, just walk away and never think about it again?

I hate her, I see her when I look at our son. I am sick of all this. I don't care if I ever understand her, I don't want to know.

I JUST WANT OUT!

I don't want to be around her family, hearing things about her. How crazy and sick she is.

I DON'T CARE!

I HATE HER! I wish I'd never met her!
I hate everything about her

How can I love our son when I want her to disappear?

I want to enjoy my life, leave all this insanity behind me.

I've had enough of BPD and I'm done worrying about what that crazy b###h will do next.

My son is our only connection

What am I willing to do to get away, forever?

[Sunfl0wer]

How can I get away from my relationship, the past, just walk away and never think about it again?

Ya can't run from it JerryRG.

You carry it in your head.  You know you cannot get away from your ex in anyway that will remove her from your thoughts.

... .

Try using Tools from this site.

Read the info at the right hand side.  See if you can figure out where you are at in your detaching process, and what is next.

You seem to stay "in the moment" of your feelings.  

Yet, I haven't really seen you pick up many/any tools, yet seem dependent on asking others to help you with the next feeling you have, and seem to remain stuck there.  

(It reminds me of the story of the hungry person who asks for help.  How much better is it to teach him to fish vs handing him a fish?  You seem to come here, and get handed another fish.)

Not trying to be mean, just trying to be kind.  

How about seeing this as a process, similar to 12 steps, go through literature on the detaching side?

Where are you at in this detaching process?
What tools have you begun using from this site?
Have you made any posts trying to work through the detaching literature?

I'm afraid focusing on your next uncomfortable feeling is enabling you to actually avoid working through detaching.

(Effectively keeping you quite attached to the very pain you are asking help to escape.)

... .

Now onto tools... .

Let's talk drama triangle.
Have you read about that?
Can you identify in this post where you might fit?  How that may apply to the nature of this post?

[Mutt]

I've had enough of BPD and I'm done worrying about what that crazy b###h will do next.

What happened? Did a family member say something about her?

There's no magic pill Jerry. Learn as much as you can about BPD, become indifferent to the behaviors by learning why she acts the way that she does, it's not personal to you. Detach, one day she'll do something and you'll be able to shrug it off "There goes ex doing such and such again"  

[Herodias]

Yikes! I know the feeling, but as long as we continue to dwell on them you can't  get away from it. If you could get her to relinquish anything to do with her son maybe you could get away. I'm not sure her family would go for that. You are still going to have your anger. That's a tough one. Sorry you're having a hard time. The holidays don't help with these feelings... .

[steelwork]

Hey Jerry,

I'm sorry you're struggling. Struggling seems like an understatement! What is your support system these days?

This is what concerns me the most, as an outside observer:

How can I love our son when I want her to disappear?

I want to enjoy my life, leave all this insanity behind me.

I've had enough of BPD and I'm done worrying about what that crazy b###h will do next.

My son is our only connection

What am I willing to do to get away, forever?

Remember that, no matter how it seems, your desperation to get away from her is a feeling, and feelings don't last. Your relationship with your son is something else. It seems to me that you need to protect that, however you can. You don't get another chance later--not really--childhood can't be done over.

Are you getting any help from the co-parenting board?

[Sunfl0wer]

Steelwork makes a good point

What am I willing to do to get away, forever?

I originally did not hear this.
And is certainly concerning.

Sounds like some self care is needed before anything.

What can you do in 3D to help cope with these feelings?
(Just shifting and shuffling them in your head seems an ineffective short term relief.)

How can we support you to cope and learn tools in a meaningful way?

As Heroidias points out, holidays sure don't help many.
Maybe focus on self nurturing until after the new year?
What do you think?

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone

What set me off is she text her mother when she got a letter telling her she's losing her benifits for not having our son in her custody. She's reacting to this but not concerned one bit about our son's well being. Just beyond sick.

Her mother makes excuses for her daughter and when I asked her if she asked how our son was doing and not so worried she's losing something, mother didn't respond.

So our son's mother only cares about herself, nothing new.

Once I get custody she will lose all her financial support, too bad. Then she will figure out ways to interfere with us again. Narcissistic b###h!

I know I'm not using the tools I've been offered here, that's on me.

My son is sick again and so am I, not sure how long I can continue after being sick going on 2 months, non stop illnesses. I'm starting to think this is a losing battle.

And yeah, self pity is my hallmark personality trait, beside others that are not productive.

Just angry and my son's mother is just relaxing and sleeping in and having her fun. And I hate her

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like you are taking steps towards providing your son stability by proceeding with putting in place a legal framework/structure for which all of you to interact.  

[So far, seems like your son's care, which parent he is with, has been at the whims of the emotions of the moment... .If mom wants to get him from you or dump him off to you, etc.  The result of this has been great instability for all three of you.  Allowing your well being, life and that of your sons to be dependent on the emotions of someone disordered is so harmful for all.  I suspect you know this and is why you are taking legal means to structure things?]

Imo, as long as you two do not have a legally enforceable parenting plan in place, this child is going to continue to be a pawn in the emotional dynamics of his two parents.  (I have previously asked... .and well, you never indicated there was a legal parenting plan, but some vagueness of an agreement. So I am assuming there is none, yet correct if not true.)

... .

So you are attempting to take legal action.
She is having a dramatic emotional reaction. (No surprise here)

Now you too appear to be having your own reaction to her reaction.

This is where you need to stay strong and centered and perform self care techniques to endure, and NOT react to her (reported to you) feelings as much as possible.  You need resolve to your original goals.  

What are your goals with this legal action?
Stability for son?
Minimization of conflict?
Fairness of finances?
What are they, ... .YOUR goals?

How can you remain strongly focused on THAT?

... .

Lessons this reminds me of are ones containing info on extinction burst.
(I'm no good at tracking down links, sorry)

... .

A pwBPD tends to have a victim mentality.  Likely she has recruited mom and expressed lots of pain about things, gaining sympathy.  Aka ":)rama Triangle"

You have slightly lost someone who was "on your side" as her mom was sympathizing with you earlier, and has now shifted.  This must be hard to deal with when there are limited real life people know what you are dealing with and her mom was one of those.  (Correct me if my recollection/assumtions or such wrong)

It doesn't help either of you to have mom's sympathizing favor, other than immediate gratification, and actually isn't pragmatically useful to make a sustaining change to this situation.

What does have potential to majorly impact this is:
Posting on legal board
Posting on co-parenting board
Working On the process of detaching so your son has one stable parent

And following through with the uncomfortable task of establishing legally enforceable stability to this child's life.

Your steps to meeting with the lawyer can be that shift in that direction.

You need resolve (independent of her feelings, reactions, emotions) to make choices that benefit you, and your child.

... .

Most importantly, of priority... .

What am I willing to do to get away, forever?

Where are you at with this?

It may be too overwhelming to deal with the "doing" of anything or thinking of anything else at the moment
Other than self care, self nurturing.

Maybe simply work through this one issue
Discuss this
And come back to all rest at another time.

[Mutt]

Jerry,

So our son's mother only cares about herself, nothing new.

You have your answer here.

It's nothing new, she's self absorbed. She is who is,  how you feel about her isn't going to change her, it's only going to make you feel worse.

Have you thought about accepting her for who she is, not for what you'd like her to be and letting her go?

[valet]

I have a thing or two to contribute here.

There wasn't any getting away for me, and I never thought that I could just escape. Too much cognitive dissonance there, I suppose. In either case, I had to go further and explore our interactions to the point where I could no longer deny that she would never reciprocate feelings in a relationship/friendship how I wanted her to. It's a sad truth, really... .when that idea dies.

It was a slow process, and I'm still working through my feelings, but there was definitely a threshold that I couldn't stomach and something had to give. When I presented these ideas to my ex she didn't think twice about ignoring what I said and blaming me for everything.

That was enough for me. So, hair of the dog I suppose, at least for me.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

I guess I want revenge, as sick as that sounds. Seeing her in public running around like a child, her bf completely clueless and going along with her sick ways. I just want this to end, PERIOD!

I hate her, I hate thinking about her, I hate everything about her.

She gets to live in her free crazy world with no conscious, no consequences, no responsibility and just have fun.

Then blame me for raping her, lying about everything, even telling people she loves our son and I'm keeping him from her. Sick! Sick! Sick!

I want her locked up, put away, pay for the hurt she's caused. She kept me from my son until she was sick of him then abandon him. I believed her, I listened to that pos psychopath! She put me through hell and now I still have to pay? Um, NO! I'm done.

Her and her crazy family are out of my life. Her friend messaging me, I know what that was all about. Her sister posting things on fb about how we wish we were still with past relationships and how we want to just talk to our exs. This person just got married last week! She's doing this for her crazy sister, fishing for my response.

Same old game plan as before, I see them all creeping me for my ex to see where I'm at. I'm not completely stupid.

I'm sick of my son's mother, her family and pw personality disorders. They are not worth my time!

Trusting grandma is a mistake too, daughter had to get crazy from someone and she raised her daughter and her other daughter is just as immature and insane.

Blah! I'm sick, bronchitis, sinus infection, ear infection, still deaf, pneumonia, still coughing, 5 antibiotics, weak from chemo, paying all the bills, day care, lawyer, car repairs, food, while mother sits on her a##, and now stomach problems from what my son has. I can't take this any longer. It's a losing battle. I am just to stupid to quit, oh wait? Oh yeah! I was too stupid to not walk away from my psycho ex either until I was almost dead!

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear about your health Jerry.The text, were you thinking why am I the one sick taking care of everything while she gets to enjoy a care free life?

[JerryRG]

Yes, she's pretended to be sick for over a year now with made up illnesses, cancer, lupus, MRSA, and more I'm sure. In the end these all just go away and she's fine.

No one believes her, she's done this for years.

Yes, she's care free as always

[Mutt]

Your son is going to see at some point that dad's the one that takes of care of things.

Yes, she's pretended to be sick for over a year now with made up illnesses, cancer, lupus, MRSA, and more I'm sure. In the end these all just go away and she's fine.

It telegraphs that she wants attention. Don't give her that, focus on your son and you, someone else said focus on changing your responses when your ex and her family are dramatic, focus on self care. That's how you get pass this, you have the opportunity to change, your ex doesn't.

[Herodias]

Are you sure you want full custody? I mean, I know you are the responsible one... .I am just thinking out loud here... .I suppose her parents can't have custody? If you don't trust them either that wouldn't work. I worry for your health, let alone the fact that your son is sick too. Kids get sick so easy and it can get passed back and forth. I only wish the best for you, but what happens if something happens to you and you may not be able to care for your son? You are doing the best you can I know. You have the world on your shoulders right now and it isn't fair. I would be so angry if I were in your shoes too. I just want you to think all of this through carefully. Your battle with her rages on... .yes, she only cares about herself and the money she gets from you... .you should almost ask for her to pay it back retro active since you have had him this whole time... .not that she can pay, but the more you throw at them, the better your outcome. It's easy for us to sit and and say she is who she is, when you know that, but have much bigger issues than just her. I hope you both feel better, I wish you could get some help with him... you need to take care of yourself too. I know what you mean about trusting others... .I don't trust people I don't know very well at all. I am struggling with that too... .I keep thinking I should try and give people the benefit of the doubt, then again I think, why should I? It's so hard... .

[JerryRG]

I've had custody of my son for over 3 months.

One of her family members suggested I call our local police and let them know mother abandoned our son.

I called them, the beginning of last week, on Thursday a detective stopped by my home and asked me what happened the night my son's mother overdosed.

She claims I waited until after she od to have sex with her. Totally made up story but she's reporting it to the police now.

Her family is furious and all support me, knowing she's lying.

She insisted we get engaged 2 months after she alleged this to occur.

Any thoughts as to why she would bring this up now, and what could she possibly gain from it?

Thank you, Merry Christmas

[Herodias]

Yes, because you're trying to get custody and it must be sinking in now that she won't have money. This is what I meant by enjoy her distance while you can. I will wish you a Merry Christmas... .but I know this is hanging over your head. I hate this for you. I hope you and your Son enjoyed the holiday together.

[JerryRG]

This is all just a sick joke

She overdoses while I'm asleep
Falls on me in my bed
I carry her into my kitchen and call 911
The police and EMT are there in 5 minutes swarming my apartment, looking everything over.
Take her to the ER
I answer all the questions
Sit with her all night alone, crying
She wakes up the next day.
The doctors ask the questions.
Ask me to write a letter stating what I believe she needs for help.
I tell them, long term drug treatment.
She goes away.
Comes back.
2 months later we are engaged.
3 months later she's pregnant.
Still no mention of rape.

Why the hell would I do something so stupid then call the police to the crime scene?
How would she know if we had sex when she's unconscious?

I want to get away from her and never look back

Her whole family has told me to not pay attention to her.

I saved her worthless life only to get this thrown in my face.

Sick, but she's sick

2 people believe her, her bf and herself

[Skip]

I've had custody of my son for over 3 months.

Jerry,

Do you have custody (legal guardianship) or possession? It's a very big difference. Possession can be revoked. Reporting you as a sex offender is may be a way to level the playing field for a custody battle.

It may have just be smart talk to the police when they questioned her. It's on file now. Stay away. Don't try contacting her anymore. Use a third party.

She claims I waited until after she od to have sex with her. Totally made up story but she's reporting it to the police now.

She has filed a criminal complaint for a felony.

Sexual contact with person incapable of consent

Code § 22-22-7.2 defines one degrees of the crime sexual contact with person incapable of consent, each with associated punishments. The degree of the crime depends on the specifics of the crime committed, with higher degrees of the charge generally receiving harsher punishments.

Class 4 felony
A maximum of 10 years in prison and a maximum of $20,000 in fines

Your state has the second highest rape per capita in the USA. Its on law enforcement radar for sure.

Did you have sex with her the day of the OD? Did she have a rape kit or say anything to the doctors that is in the medical chart. I think this is going to matter most in this case.

[JerryRG]

My lawyer was disgusted and thought this was just a sick ploy from a desperate person

How will she explain 3 months no contact, wanted to be engaged 2 times, her past accusations of 8 guys raping her with not one conviction or one piece of credible evidence or witnesses. Her family has heard all this for years and they gave up listening to her a long time ago.

She's abandon our son, would any woman in her right mind allow a violent person to have complete care of her son. If I'm such a horrible person why isn't she trying to keep him from me.

She's sick, she's losing her meal ticket and wants revenge, she knows I'm going to court, our son's child support is not going to her. She loses her income, insurance, food and maybe her free home. That's the only reason to bring this up 3 years after she has this wild story.

[JerryRG]

I swear I don't understand her, I just keep going in cycles asking what, why. This is so stupid and I don't stop. I still hear the things she said to me, half the time I still believe them. I do not know why I'm doing this.

People are sick of me, I just keep asking why.

People tell me but I refuse to accept it.

Why don't I accept she's who she is?

There has to be a pay off for this.

I know what I know but it just goes away and I start all over again. Ground Hog Day.

[JerryRG]

Talked to my sponsor today, few other good friends, also talked to the detective who investigated the charge against me. They all say the same things as you, others here, everyone says the same things.

Forget about my son's mother, work on stopping the obsessions, keep working on getting well.

The detective told me that I shouldn't worry, he said you know what kind of person she is, and actually I should expect this to happen. Yep

I couldn't find a more sicker person to have a child with, kinda says a lot about me. That's what I should be afraid of.

Thanks again and Happy New Year!

[JerryRG]

Really depressed today

The detective talked to me last night, he said he knew what kind of person she is and that I should expect this from her.

[lovenature]

How can I love our son when I want her to disappear?

Because your son isn't her, and with your help he will become a far better person than if he didn't have you in his life.
I don't have children Jerry so I can't relate directly with your situation, but I can understand that it is very difficult for you, try to focus on what is best for you and your son. Never forget that your ex. has a serious mental illness.

[JerryRG]

The facts:

I've had sole custody of my son for over 4 months with no contact from his mother.

She has my number but still no contact.

She wanted our son back two weeks ago, I gave in and allowed her 2 days, she kept him for a week.

She asked for him this weekend and I decided not to allow her.

The reason?

I met a guy she dated for a couple of months after I broke up with her around 2 years ago. He said, like me, she is now accusing him of raping her. This guy said the detective told him there were 5 guys on her list. He was very concerned but the detective assured him he wasn't concidered a serious suspect.

After talking to this guy I asked if he would testify in court about the rape allegations and maybe we could both file false reports on my son's mother.

I decided to not allow my son to be with a woman who is capable of behaving this way, trying to get innocent men into serious legal trouble.

A friend sent me a copy of a tweet my son's mother posted yesterday. Stating I refused her time with our son. That she was going to be an actor in Hollywood and that our son is so smart, he would be a good actor like her. On and on about how they are going to be a huge success and she's getting full custody.

I showed the tweet to several pastor friends and they all said she's crazy, living in a strange world.

I've been doing pretty good, still detaching and the addiction is deminishing more and more. Slower than I want or expect but still healing.

I am surprised at my surprise as I react to her behaviours, it's still clear I'm in denial and on some level I am defending her behaviours still. Reality isn't matching facts within me and my judgement is still skewed to some degree.

My son is doing great, growing, learning and a normal happy toddler.

I've decided to explore new options concerning my chemo, going to try a second opinion at a very good hospital, not sure I should mention names.

My son's mother is still behaving strange but nothing new. The hope she will improve is not realistic and I've accepted this, to a point. Still find myself thinking I could have done more.

I haven't been here in the forums much lately, did post some things but I have been so busy, with my son, working, talking to my lawyer, recovery.

I really want to charge my son's mother for false alligations but not sure if it would stop her or change anything.

I apologize for posting if this seems like attention seeking but it's late, I have no one to talk to and I'm a little scared. Like I said, my son's mother is very "out there" the thought of my son in her care is a very disturbing thing.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Jerry, you sound so much stronger and I’m so glad to hear it. Don’t apologise for posting we’re all here to help each other. You were there to help me many times. Have you filed for sole-custody of your son?

[JerryRG]

Hi Larmoyant

Probably file this week or next, this back and forth will never end otherwise. How are you?

[bus boy]

Hi JRG, good to hear from you. Glad things are going well. Good luck with sole custody.

[Herodias]

Hi Jerry, glad to see you are ok. I know how you feel about it taking longer than you think it should, but don't feel bad... .I think when we are caught up with lawsuits with them it makes you stay angry and in the chaos. I am seeing it is hard to win in court with them. Be very cautious... .It is hard to know how devious they will be. I kept thinking mine would learn a lesson and stop the non sense, but he has found a way to screw me over in more ways than I ever knew. I think my lawyer finally believes me. I hope your believes you... .Just try and be several steps ahead and prepared. I wish you luck. Glad to hear that you and you son are well. I think hearing other men have gone through this as well is very validating for you. I hope you have success with your treatment... .take care.

[JerryRG]

My son's mother is now accusing me of kidnapping our son from her.

So I beat her
Raped her
Killed her
And now I am a kidnapper

She's severely mentally ill, I just accept these things will come from her.

I believe and hope the judge sees her behaviours the way I see them.

[Herodias]

That's terrible... .when do you have court Jerry? It seems like this is dragging out so long. I still haven't heard any more from my lawyer, so apparently it's common for all of this to drag out. I hope that you can get some decisions made in the courts soon. They just can't possibly not see her for who she is... .you just have to have lots of witnesses and evidence. The courts do seem to want to see both sides to be fair. I am amazed my ex even had a chance with all of his lies. You have to be prepared for that and not be too confident. I am sure it will go the best way for you and your son.