1) a long to post to describe the final part og my nightmare... part one.

[Billa]

That’ s my story. It began, as it always begins, with the “dream come true” phase (three months, than a crisis with absurd accusations. But I thought we had survived it, ignoring that having split to black once, I would never recover my “white coat”). Than we passed to the clingy phase (other three/four months) and, finally, it ended with “the hater” phase ( about four months of pure Hell)… As you perfectly know how it goes in the three of them, I’m not going to describe the events, apart from the last part of it. At the moment, we're about 4 weeks of No Contact. And it was his decision, not mine. He has blocked me on Facebook and on Whatsapp, also, I believe. That happened because I left him (and it wasn’t the first time), after one of the most cruel things he did to me.

As a matter of fact, he was recycling his ex-girlfriend of 5 months (a relationship ended one month before I got to know them both and 6 moths before our’s started), from the beginning of December, I suppose (the same period in which he began to split very frequently). He claimed they were only friends.  As far as I’m concerned, they had been friends for a month after breaking, than NC for 4 or five months, than they had had some form of closure, as he told me, until late September, I think, when they began to have more contacts –but that I didn’t know, at the moment. And lately he spent with her ALL his spare time, a thing that was driving me crazy. We live in different towns, in Italy, 2 hours by train, more or less, so I couldn't be always there either to spend time with him or to have the possibility to realize what was going on with her.

Nevertheless, at the end of December, his mother died of a cancer (they found it at the end of June) and I realized (by Facebook, mostly, but also by friends) that his ex GF was always around, while he didn't let me go and stay with him. He said, "he had to take care of his father, and if I stayed with him that would have complicated things". He told me not to go to his mother’s funeral, because it was only for close relatives as he had decided to tell friends of her death only after the ceremony, so that I should keep the secret with everyone. As a matter of fact, the night before the funeral, a friend of mine told me that his ex GF was texting everybody about time and place of the ceremony... .   And the following day she was there, while I was  110 miles away … I couldn’t believe it! In that period, she was always present when he went out with our friends and was always posting on his Fb wall, flirting with him all the time. And he “likes”, whenever she posted  something on her own wall, while at the sam time he was ignoring completely me and my wall. I was so upset that I removed her from my Facebook friends list. The first thing she did when she found it out was to go and tell him, saying she was very sorry about it, that my behaviour was really bad, that I had no right to do that, that I was not sincere with her and so on. A typical reaction from a narcisist and a manipolator as I’m convinced she is. In fact, in June, when she was informed of our relationship, seven months after their breaking, she got mad and made a scene to him, telling him that people despised him, and that they all thought he was a sex addict, saying that friend X had said this and friend Y had said that. In the end, she was forced to admit that SHE was the one who had made those comments, but he went nuts for some days, calling a lot of friends to get information about what people was saying about him. And I’m convinced, she made it on purpose, as she knew perfectly what to do to dysregulate him, one of the reasons why I felt so menaced by her presence around my BF. I knew she could be very dangerous. And I was right. In the very same conversation about “how sad she was for having been removed from my Facebook friends”,  just a 2 hours after  the cremation of his mother (! And I was so worried for him…) he told me the following weekend he was going to take her to Milan (one and a half hour by car, from his hometown), - he is a TV journalist and a sport commentator - where he was going to comment a Volleyball Final Cup. But, he added, both days it was just “going in the morning and coming back after the matches, without staying there the night, so I shouldn’t worry. In fact they were just friends and there was nothing to worry about”. I was very angry. I told him that she wanted to get him back and he tried to convince me that I was wrong, that she was only a friend and, above all, he didn’t want her back, so I shouldn’t be so worried at all and so on. Well, to cut a story short, I was the one who should remain at home, “because he had to take care of his father and need to spent some time alone to elaborate the loss of his mother”, but she could go with him to Milan… And, what’s more, the very day of the trip she gave the news of it to all our friends on Facebook, writing that “she was not sure she could go to A’s birthday party, cause she was in Milan with M (myBF), but if they went back in time, they would go... .   “ That made me mad! But I knew I could say nothing. He simply didn’t let me discuss it. They went back at 11.30 PM (and he had to wake up at 6 AM), but still, they went to the party together! I was furious. But, as much as I tried to express my feelings, he stopped me and became rude or sarcastic. They were only friends and there’s nothing more to say. I spent a very horrible time, ‘cause I was suffering for him and  his loss and feeling desperate for the distance he kept with me and in a terrible mess about what was happening with that girl... .   I was blind, I know, he was keeping me away because he had found “another dream”,  but I tried to convince myself that it was all due to the grief for his mother, that I should try to understand him, that I should be patient and let this difficult moment pass…

There had been times in the last period in which I had been so hurt by his behaviour that he had perceived my reaction to it as an attempt to abandon him. Once it was not texting him for a while, for example, after having been accused of letting him feel oppressed, just because I had asked if he was ok after a six-hours-car trip (as I was accustomed to get a text message saying “I arrived safely” but that time there had been no message). So I was blamed for my “coldness” and told that that’s not acceptable. Or, for example, blamed for “having abandoned him in the most terrible period of his life” for not having called him back as I said I would have done, the time in which –in the days following the death of his mother-  I called him to check if he was ok, after receiving sarcastic texting, and found him in a rage, for reasons that were, he said “indirectly related to me”. Not knowing what to do, I had told him to calm down and that I would call him back in the late evening, but then, by Facebook, I found out that in the morning he had gone out to sea to scatter his mother’s ashes and I was so shocked by both the fact he hadn’t told me about it and for the bad treatment received on the phone, that I didn’t call him back. In the night he began to text and every time he sounded more desperate… He had made all efforts he could to have me back, even if I hadn’t really left him, I was only really shocked and in despair... .   I knew nothing about his BPD (it was my therapist, who told me, recently. He only says that he has problems, but he doesn’t want to go to therapy. And once he told me that he knows he is crazy), so I convinced myself that it was all due to the loss of his mother and that, after the first period, things would change. It was a terrible time, and he was in a very poor condition.

At the end of January, exactly a month from the death of his mother, I finally succeeded in going and staying some time with him. I went there for the birthday party of a mutual friend (he could not cope with the idea that I could stay at someone else’s house…) and, at the party, I had a horrible time, because his ex GF spent all the night trying to provoke me, talking to him in a very confidential way, telling the other people things such as that her cat was sucking the my BF’s hand some nights before, that she had finished with a friend “that bottle of wine he took to her house” and so on. Horrible. He seemed not to realize what was happening and apparently behaved in a normal way. I was really upset but, the following day, when I tried to express my feelings about their “friendship”, he stopped me really rudely. Apart from this, the next day were quite ok, and, in the frame of a perfect denial phase, I went home very happy and convinced that things were going to get better. Two days after, began the false accusations. He accused me I had said nasty things about his exGF at the party, "inciting people to call her a jackal who was moving around him after the death of his mother”. I was astonished... .   That very night I’d spent all the time sitting by his side, a part for just 5 minutes when I reached the opposite side of the table to give a Christmas gift to a friend of mine. And he was accusing me to have said those things exactly in that moment! He said he wanted to stay away from a person like me, that I was mean and a slanderer, and I was willing to attack all the people who cared for him, and other absurd things of this kind. I couldn’t believe it. I told him I was sure it was all a pure invention of his ex GF (as she had made something similar in June, when she accused other people of the nasty comments she had made on her own) and he answered that “ten people had listened to what I was saying about her”. It was absurd. I had said NOTHING, but I was so shocked that I even tried to justify and defend myself from this nonsense…At some point of our conversation he told me he had to hang up because he had to go and have lunch with his father (I had called him after receiving his accusations by whatsapp texting). So I told him I would have called him in the evening, but I didn’t, as I realized that I was defending myself even if I had done absolutely nothing. It was the second time it happened, all this stuff of the false accusations, I mean. In fact, in the middle of August, he had accused me of having said nasty things about his sexual performances, talking to a person (which I had met only twice, but I have on my Facebook), that, in that precise moment in which we were supposed to be chatting in a bar of his hometown,I Northen Italy, was in Chicago for six months…Three days of total chaos… He claimed that a friend had told him those things because she was caring for him (than I discovered that she was a person with whom he had been having sex for some time, in the same period of our beginnings, and someone else told me that, more precisely, it had been the ex GF which he is recycling at the moment that had made some comments on this stuff, also making my name, when SHE was talking to this other girl. A mess, really, to the point that I don’t know where the truth is. He is able to make a mess of and destroy all kind of relationship, now I know it ). So, reminding the pain and the confusion he had caused to me in those days (end of the “dream come true phase”, I see now) I decided not to call him back, because I was exhausted and really fed up with all this. I need to calm down before doing everything (After, when we talked about this time, he told me that that day I told him I would have called him and I didn’t, that is to say, I dared not to do it… and this made him furious). So, he became even more irrational, and claimed I had written an e-mail to a girl I barely know (she lives in Sicily and was there with her boyfriend), telling her that he had accused her of being one of those who were criticizing his ex GF’s behaviour. He told me “I was lapsing into grotesque, sowing discord among all the people we knew”. It was all so horrible and I was really desperate... .   in those days I had already gone into therapy, and I decided not to answer back. I could eat nothing, I couldn’t sleep, from days. The following day, he texted me asking if I had nothing to do with a fire in my hometown they’ve just been talking in the news. I was working (I’m a teacher) and I didn’t see the message. When I finished working, I found this text and another one, sent 12 minutes after, in which he told me that, as I didn’t answer, it was clear that I want to cut him off from my life, so he would immediately help me, and wrote down something that sounded to me a bit obscure and I related to removing me from Facebook, or something like that.  In fact, when I went and check, I found that he had passed me in the “acquaintances list”, so that I couldn’t see practically anything of his things and photos. Notwithstanding that, in the following days, he sometimes posted something visible to me, in which I could find things reminding me of our personal experiences, others that were subtle insults for me and, in the end, things that should persuade me to take him back (links to pictures of solitude and despair, with writings talking about men that were going to die alone, because they hadn’t been able to appreciate the love they have being given, this kind of stuff…). I passed ten days of hell, I was really going crazy... .   And luckily I had my therapist, because I was so depressed I only stood up to go to work and than went back to bed… Than, as I wasn’t reacting to his indirect attempts to gain my attention,  he tried to get me back, using a mutual friend to send me his message and this time he succeeded. I must say, I was so stupid to go back without receiving a sole word of repentance from him or hearing him apologize for nothing at all. It was “the others’ fault, our friends want to hurt and divide us” his own version of what had happened (with the exception of his ex GF, depicted as she was herself a victim, naturally). He also accused one of my best friend, the one he used to have me back, of cheating me, as she wanted “to have sex with him”, because she’d sent him “strange texting” (she asked me permission to make an attempt to solve the problems we had. As we knew he was passing nearby her house, going back from a sport event, she texted him to stop and have some coffee, in order to try to understand something more of the situation and to talk to him in my favour. He didn’t go – I suppose he was there with his ex GF - but he used all this against her). [it conntinues]

[HarmKrakow]

Billa could you please add the text of topic 2/3 and 3/3 in here as well? it makes it read easier.

[connect]

Hello Billa,

My heart goes out to you. I am in pretty much exactly the same situation as you. I think it would be very helpful for you to read my posts and the replies on my identical situation.

The first post is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196878.0

The second post is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198360.0

Please spend some time reading these carefully. I have been getting support on here for the same scenario so it will aid you greatly to see what people have said to me and how my feelings have evolved throughout. Read these until you start getting feedback on here about your own situation. It will help you and stop you feeling like the crazy one in all this.

Remarkably similar to my experience! I have also had the same angry/upset reactions as you to an untolerable situation of him going on holiday with his ex gf and he told me that my reactions are what is destroying our relationship. Not HIS actions but MY reactions! You are not crazy. You had a NORMAL reaction to the situation. It is not you! Like you I also know that I am being told one thing "its friendship only" but my radar is picking up that the "friendship" is too close and not compatable with having a partner. Poor you. Mine is still on the holiday now and I am feeling pretty bad about it but being out of the madness I can see that I didnt do anything wrong - nor did you x

Will check in on you later - reply here and let me know what you think of the feedback people kindly gave me on here about the same scenario.

Take care and post  

[Billa]

Billa could you please add the text of topic 2/3 and 3/3 in here as well? it makes it read easier.

hi, I would if I could,  , but the system doesn't allow me, that's the reason why I had to split it into three different posts. Sorry

[Billa]

Hello Billa,

My heart goes out to you. I am in pretty much exactly the same situation as you. I think it would be very helpful for you to read my posts and the replies on my identical situation.


Remarkably similar to my experience! I have also had the same angry/upset reactions as you to an untolerable situation of him going on holiday with his ex gf and he told me that my reactions are what is destroying our relationship. Not HIS actions but MY reactions! You are not crazy. You had a NORMAL reaction to the situation. It is not you! Like you I also know that I am being told one thing "its friendship only" but my radar is picking up that the "friendship" is too close and not compatable with having a partner. Poor you. Mine is still on the holiday now and I am feeling pretty bad about it but being out of the madness I can see that I didnt do anything wrong - nor did you x

Will check in on you later - reply here and let me know what you think of the feedback people kindly gave me on here about the same scenario.

Take care and post  

thank you very much for your words, Connect. I find my experience so absurd that I doubted it could be shared by anyone, but it seems that BPD make all possible, even the sharing  the most absurd situations. And of the feelings they caused.

Ok, I'll go and read your post, I'm sure it 'll be of great help.

[Billa]

to Harmkrakow: 2/3

In the following days he split a lot and I was worn out. So, I send him a very long message text (using his favourite way to communicate and in some way behaving like a BPD myself…) and expressed my feelings, inviting him to change his attitude towards me, if he wanted to remain part of my life. This time it was him who got shocked. Four hours of texting, no way to find a way to communicate or have a dialogue with him. He didn’t answer to the questions I posed about his behaviour, he didn’t try to talk about the things I was blaming to him (“he had no time for it, as this stuff had no relevance for his life”), he just went on accusing our friends of having worked to destroy our relationship. He also claimed he couldn’t be my fiancé, that he had beguiled me about the importance of our relationship. And when I asked him, if these was true, why did he invite me to go and stay with him the last time, he answered that at that point he hadn’t realized it yet, but what happened at the birthday party had prompted this decision. Than he began to say that I was being very rude to him, because I was keeping him texting and he was fed up with it. As a matter of fact, he was the one who was going on texting, asking for future friendship, telling he wanted to say goodbye properly but I didn’t let him to do so and, in the end, saying that he was willing to save all he could of our relationship, but my rudeness had prevented him from it and now “he needed some more time before being available again”.  I answered that I really loved him, that I wasn’t looking for a break up, I only wanted to express my feelings and trying to fix our relationship, but, as he had told me that he had beguiled me about the importance of the relationship, I realized that there wasn’t such possibility. But, in spite of that, I was detaching with love and not with hate. The following morning, after work, I found a Facebook mail,  from an “unknown user”, telling he was going to send me back all the stuff I have gave him as presents, because he didn’t want to own anything which could remind him of my existence, and he needed my address, ‘cause he couldn’t remember it. I texted him by whatsapp and told him I didn’t want anything back, because all my gifts to him had been made with love and of that love were a symbol and that I still loved him, even if he wasn’t able to understand it. I added I had seen he had blocked me on Facebook and, even if I could find no reason for it, I would accept it. He texted me back telling me that he hasn’t blocked me, he had just deactivated his Fb account because he didn’t want to keep in touch with such bad people as our friends were and began to write insulting words, to say that he hated me and that he was going to block me on Whatsapp. I gave up answering back and he texted me on the phone some hours after, informing that he was going to send me my stuff back at school and asking if the address was the right one. As it wasn’t, I told him and added that that was unnecessarily, that he could do all that he want with that stuff, keep it or not, but I definitely didn’t want it back. I had given him those things with all my love. More insults on his part and I stopped texting him back. It was Wednesday. On Saturday people began to make questions about his absence from Facebook (that is to say, from his life, as he lived to post in there). As far as I am concerned, I don’t know if it was only a temporary phase, but the prevalent emotion in that days was relief. On Sunday afternoon he texted me telling that he was going to phone me at night, as soon as he went back to his hotel after work (he was commenting a sport event somewhere in Southern Italy). As I knew that he always takes a room in a hotel on the way back home, I thought he would call about ten o’clock and I was still trying to decide what to do when he texted me to ask for permission to call at half past eight. And I was so stupid to answer yes... .   He called saying that he was looking for a closure and then, in five minutes, he wanted a make-up. We talked for about an hour, about what had happened, about the things I had said to HIM (but he just seemed not to understand when I talked about the things that HE said to ME) and told me that, due to the way I hade behaved, he had interrupted every contact with the world for three days, not answering to text, calls, staying home and feeling very bad. As ever, it was always my fault… or someone’s else. Than we talked about our relationship, about what we wanted and thought about it. It seemed that we loved each other and we were willing to go on and fix it. I wasn’t sure I had made the right thing, but I loved him and simply could do nothing else. I tried to convince me I was going to manage it. In the following days it was all quite ok, a part for some sporadic sudden splitting as, for example, sending me good morning and goodnight text one day and telling me, the following day, after receiving mine that “everyday good mornings and good nights made he feel uneasy”. I tried to ignore it and go on. The next Friday I received a mail from his exGF. To cut a story short, she was writing “to fix things with me, because SHE couldn’t tolerate tensions and misunderstandings and as we shared a good friend, even if with different aims and roles, she wanted to have a good relationship with me”. I was quite puzzled and I didn’t know how to react, because I didn’t like her and I wasn’t sure she was to be trusted but, anyway, I decided to write her back. She had told me she would have liked to have some sort of kind interaction on Facebook as we did before, because SHE felt uneasy feeling my coldness when we “met” in our mutual friends’ walls. I wrote her what I thought a very “balanced” mail, trying to remain quite neutral and agreeing to make friends again on Facebook, but sending her a message of polite distance and expressing some of what I considered the crucial points of the situation with polite words. She seemed very enthusiastic (too much, as always) and reassured me about her relationship with my BF. I still couldn’t trust her completely, as I was sure she was in love with my BF, but I thought she couldn’t be so mean to write and lie about the real nature of their relationship (how silly I was…).

In the meantime, he had asked me to go and stay with him two days in a place just 50 miles from here and 80 from his hometown, where he was going to comment a hockey match. I said ok, as I had two days off because of a school holiday and let him arrange it. I was a bit nervous, ‘cause I’d learned that every time I go back home after spending some time with him, he got some kind of crisis. But, on the other hand, I was also very happy to stay with him. It was the first time we were meeting in a month, after two break-ups and I really couldn’t have ever imagined what was going to happen. He came and fetch me at the train station, ten minutes to our hotel by car. We had decided to check in, left our baggage and go to eat something around. During the car trip, he told me he had noticed that me and his ex were friends again, on Facebook, and I told him that it was correct, as she had written an e-mail in order to make re-establish a relationship and he said nothing. We arrived at the hotel, checked in and when we got to our room,  he said: “well, now that things between you and her are ok, I can go and have a coffee with her without you to raise any objections, can’t I?” As I had never raised objections of that kind, I told him that as for me he could go and have coffee with anyone. So he added: “well, have coffee, taking a walk, make a journey…”. Journeys? I believed I hadn’t heard it properly and asked him to confirm “make a JOURNEY?”  So he answered, “yes, on the next weekend I’m going to take her with me to (name of the places) where I’m going to comment volleyball for the major league”. I still couldn’t believe it! I was shocked! He added that, as a matter of fact, he had to go somewhere else, that is to say, to the place where she had been living for seven years, so she had asked him to let her go with him in order to see her friends. And that she had made this proposal during the period in which we broke up ( five days, three of which he claimed he had disconnected from the whole world, while in the last one we made it up). And that they were just friends, so I shouldn’t worry at all. It was a sort of nightmare. The first words he had told me after two breaks-up and an absence of one month were that he was going to take his ex with him for a three-days- journey! I knew I should have gone away leaving him alone in the hotel, but I couldn’t. I was stuck in there. I just uttered some sentences like “ do you want me to believe that you are going to sleep in different rooms?” He said “sure” and added that, moreover, even if they shared the room, “there was no sex between the two of them, so there would have been no problem at all”. I was astonished. I asked “why are you telling me this when you could go without saying a word about it? He replied that he was telling it just because there was nothing to hide, because they were going together as friends, I tried to let him see the situation from my point of view, I told him that I really couldn’t understand their close friendship, as she was his ex GF of 5 months and not of 5 years and she had told everyone that she had been terribly hurt by him, to the point to remain no contact for months, that he needed a psychiatrist, he was sex addict and so on, so I couldn’t figure it out. He answered that people were different and as they were good friends during their time together, they were becoming even more now. No way out. No way to communicate. Simply, I should have left the hotel and go back home. I didn’t. But now I had a very deep burden on my heart. We went out, had lunch, talked a lot about us, but inside I was desperate. And furious, also.  At some point we talked about the “good morning and good night stuff” and he told me that “speaking with a friend (a female friend), that person had warned him that “by texting a woman for good morning and good night every single day she could be beguiled about the relationship”. I stared at him and said harshly that either his ex was crazy or he had given her wrong information about our relationship, because normal people generally don’t tell friends they shouldn’t text their GF o BF everyday. He told me that I was wrong, that it wasn’t his ex who had been saying those things. I told him I wasn’t a fool and I was sure it was her.  He argued that, instead, it could have been one of his sisters, for example, or another friend. What a stupid liar! I was very puzzled, wondering what the hell had he told her about us, as I couldn’t believe that someone could behave like she was doing with the only  purpose to do harm. We went on talking and talking about us but, as ever, he was really inconsistent when he had to say exactly what he wanted from our relationship so that, being furious, I told him that at the moment I could feel no bond to him, as we had stopped sharing since months now. He got mad at it, how did I dare to say such a nasty thing to him? I had to reassure him about my feelings and only then he calmed down and we had some good time (an absurd situation, I can see it clearly now. How could I stay there after what I had been told about his journey with his exGF? Well, I think that BPD spreads waves of insanity all around…). We agreed that our relationship was important, that it was a matter of mutual feelings and not just of having good sex and that we should cooperate to make it work properly. I was really confused, but I still hoped I could mend it, that I could convince him that what he was demanding from me was unbearable, that no woman could tolerate such a situation. We were having a cup of coffee in a bar when he informed me he had just received an e-mail from the hotel where he was going to stay with his exGf, reporting that the booking was ok. It was the same one in which we had spent the night twice, as before I was the one who accompanied him in his work-trips… And it hurt. I told him that all this stuff was literally going to derange me. He stared at me, that, with a sad voice said,  “ok, I’ll call and tell her that she has to give up her project because YOU are very upset and doesn’t approve it”. Typical, as you know. They never take their responsibilities. I answered that the point was not that she had to give up because I was upset and he couldn’t put things in that way. As it could be expected, he used my words to do exactly what he meant to do, that is to say, nothing. For the rest of the time, that day, he was as caring and loving as he mostly was when we spent time together. And I was so confused… I felt very angry, inside. The following day he was going to leave after lunch (too much time to spend with me to stay till night…) and we went sightseeing. A friend called him and he spoke about the volleyball matches he was going to comment and what a wonderful opportunity would be for anyone to have the possibility to be there. So, I got an idea and as soon as he hung up, I told him that I was going to go with them. At the beginning, as this was completely unexpected, he agreed. I thought I had found a good strategy. And I also tried to convince myself that if he agreed, this meant that he was sincere about his relationship with his ex. We had a walk and than decided to go and have a cup of coffee. We were sitting in a bar when I decided to prove if my strategy was right and told him that we needed to arrange things for the journey, as I was coming along. He made a face and answered that, as a matter of fact, it didn’t sounded as a good idea to him. I asked him why and he told me that it was embarrassing, because the two of us would share the room in her presence. I argued that if they were just friends, she wouldn’t mind. So he looked for another excuse, I made my objection and he found another thing. About ten times… At some point he told me that he couldn’t understand the reason why I was so stubborn and I wanted to impose my presence at all costs. I was going to leave him there and go away, but in the end I hadn’t enough courage to do it. There was no way to make him see my perspective. It was all a matter of what HE wanted. I told him that I had doubts about what version of our relationship he had been given to his exGF and he swore that she perfectly knew I was his GF and she was just a friend. I told him we could call her and have a chat about that, but he refused to do it, claiming it would be an unpleasant thing to do. He was beginning to feel sick ( as a matter of fact, he got some virus and when he arrived at home he had fever) so he had no lunch and I had only a sandwich, than we had another walk before going back to the train station. [it continues]

[Billa]

3/3

I still hoped I could convince him to give up the idea of the journey, I think. The two of us walking and talking as we were a normal couple in a normal situation… We also talked again what I had done to HIM, when I had left him by texting “all that horrible things” and he told me that if in moment he got the text, we had been in that very place together, “he would have hit my head onto that wall”…  I was astounded. And told him that in that case, I would have gone to police. Hearing this, he began to talk about his money problems (he has a very good wage, almost five times my own wage, but in the last period he was always lamenting he had no much money left because of the expenses he was having after buying his house and having it restored). A good way to make worry for him. We talked a little more, and as I saw he was feeling really bad, I told him to go home. When he arrived to the station, we repeated aloud what we were  expecting from our relationship, that is to say, that it was a matter of love, not only of sex, and that we should collaborate and share things to make it work. One of the last sentences he uttered: “Have I got your blessing for the journey of next weekend?”: I replied I was no priest and that I hope things were as they said they were, as it would have been a very stupid thing to do, if it weren’t. than I took my train and he drove back home. As I’m very stupid I was really worried for him, as he was going to drive a long distance feeing sick. Then my nightmare went on. It was as being sentenced to death: dead-man-walking. As in those days he got fever, I also hoped he wasn’t going to recover in time for leaving (I was I that level of despair…). I tried to be nice and caring, in order to show him how much I loved him and make him think to what he was doing to our relationship. No result. On Saturday morning he left with her, texting me a whatsapp message telling he was leaving, with many kisses faces. I replied just “ok”. The same reply he got for the rest of the day (“I’ve arrived-I’ve finished work-I’m going out for dinner”). The following day I got no text but he began to use Facebook to hit and hurt me. He was writing things as: “how nice to have breakfast in the sun in the main street of this nice medieval town” and, on her part, she posted on her Facebook wall pictures of a cappuccino cup with a piece of cake… (what a snake she is…). The third day I got a message when they went back, at about 1.00 PM. He was telling me he had arrived safe and asking how I was going, with many kisses… He got only a cold reply from me. At night he called me, with a very nice and loving voice. He got more coldness. As he was lamenting the way I was behaving to HIM (!), saying that even if he hoped that after our last conversation it could be all ok, he knew from the beginning that I would make a fuss about this journey and create problems and new tensions, I told him that he already knew that I hadn’t agree to that idea, adding that not only I wasn’t happy about it but that I had clearly told him that I was “deranged” at the very idea of it. So now he had to cope with my emotions about all this. He said I had no right to say such a thing. I added that I’d given him the opportunity to fix it all, letting me participate to the journey, but he had said no. He had excluded me and that was how I was feeling, excluded and neglected. And this was a thing he couldn’t change just by demanding out of an unknown right. He made a feeble effort to respond to my inquiries and, as he ever did in similar situations, he quickly closed the conversation. The next days, Tuesday and , he entered a sort of “punishing manner”, coldness, sarcasm and so on. On Thursday I knew he had a day off. And I felt my anguish increasing as I began to think that he was certainly going to spend the day with his exGF.  As in fact it was. Apart from two lines in the morning, as a reply to my texting, I had no news from him all day long. He had also disappeared from Facebook (his “other life”). And so had her. Very late, at about midnight, she reappeared online, writing on her wall “What.A.Wonderful.Day.Let’s.Say.It” (that with capitol letters and full stop was a way of writing he used sometimes to stress ideas). One minute later he put his like on the post… and then reappeared online posting some general stuff on his own wall. I was getting crazy. It was all so painful, I couldn’t cope with all that sorrow. I reacted with my on post. As she has closed her second mail to me saying that I could have relied on her for any question, doubt or perplexity, I wrote that I was censoring myself, but still I was available for any question, doubt or perplexity. After a minute he texted me “to say goodnight” and I told him I was happy to find him back among us.  He reproached to me he could have said the same to me and was quite unpleasant. As always, I was the one who tried to fix things. But I was feeling very bad. My heart was bleeding. The following day, Friday, he was working, so I wasn’t as tense. As I had caught the same virus he had, I was feeling sick. When I told him about it, he was very nice and caring. Before sleeping he told me I could call him in the middle of the night if I felt worse. I replied that it would have been of no use, as we lived at a 110-miles-distance… He said that it didn’t mind, that I should have called him all the same, just for having some consolation and support. On Saturday I was working, while he had another day off and was working on Sunday. I sent him a text message saying that I was feeling better. His reply-text was a bit cold. It was really as being on a roller coaster… To have some more feedback about what was happening NOW, I asked him where was the match he was going to comment the following day. He answered that it was in X, a place that I knew he could reach passing in the nearby of my hometown. I wrote: “Well, if I’m feeling better, what about stopping and giving me a lift?”. His answer: “ No. I’m going to spend some time on my own. Sorry”.  It was horrible. I called him and told him that if really wished to stay on his own, it was better to break up. He replied that my attitude was always drastic, that the point wasn’t it, that it was only that he didn’t like me to “self invite”. I replied that when it was his ex who self invited, it was ok. He said that in that case the perspective was different, as “that was more to be seen as a matter of ideas that spontaneously came out of a chat”. Then he went on saying that he like to be the one who invited and made proposals and I should understand it and relax. “As a matter of fact, he said, we have just redefined our relationship on new bases”. I replied: “ah, ok, do you refer to that thing we said about being in love with each other and collaborating in order to make it work properly?” He kept silent, than said. “Well, everyone of us runs his/her own life and we meet and spend some time together when we have the occasion to meet”. He could be very cruel …I thought “Who do you think you are, man?” but, as it frequently happened, I could utter no word, or at least nothing full of sense. Clearly, as he was now sure to have hit the point, he began to relax. As the fool I am, I asked him about his programs for the day. He told me he was going to have shopping, as there was a new shop he was interested in visiting and, at night he was going to have dinner with old friends. My mind was already doubting…As expected, he disappeared. No texts, no Facebook posting. And so did her (I knew from a friend of mine that she was going to the movies, that night). Around eight o’clock, she was back posting on her wall: “ A Saturday deserving its name”. Immediately after, he put his like on the post. I totally lose control and called him. I told me that I was no longer going to stand their little games. That I was fed up with Beautiful Days and Saturday Deserving its Name, as well as of picture of cappuccino cups in the sun. If it was her that she wanted, ok, but please, he had to let me go. I wasn’t going to tolerate this torture. He told me: “all right, just one last question: tell me why are you thinking that what she writes on her wall relates to me”. “because it’s obvious and moreover, you put your like on it in one minute”. “That’s because she writes things that shows how happy she is, and I want to let her know that I’m happy for it. That’s all. But, you know, that’s not relevant now, as two days spent with you talking about all this stuff have proved useless. Yes, it is better to stop here”.  “Yes, talking for two days has proved to be useless, I agree. I am not compatible with her presence in your life. Goodbye”. And I hung the phone up. Next morning I found out that he had put me in the Facebook Acquaintances list again. A way to punish me, with disregard and little games. So, as I was full of rage and sorrow, I removed him from my Friends List. I think he didn’t realized it until Monday. I fact a friend told me that he had posted a picture of his hotel room and had commented to one of his “groupies” (he has a lot of them, writing on his wall) that he would go with her in one of the next journeys. And the privacy settings of the post was “acquaintances”… When he found out, the following day, he blocked me. And it was no surprise to me, as removing him I had broken free of his control, so he had to re-establish it in some way.  The truth was that I really didn’t want to exit the relationship, I only was extremely wounded and I only wished he could tell that he loved me, in spite of all the mess he had done. The first two days after our last call, I felt confused. On Thursday my heart was bleeding. The previous night I had found out he had unblocked me on Facebook and he had commented the post of a friend I was commenting on the purpose to gain my attention. I thought it was a signal he wanted re-engage me. So I sent him a message on Fb, telling that I had removed him from friends just because I was angry for having been put again among the Acquaintances and not because I hated him. Adding that it wasn’t easy for me, as I loved him deeply. I couldn’t imagine his reaction. He answered “ As soon as the system will let me do it, I will for ever disappear from your screen and your life”. I was shocked. I wrote back: “you may disappear from my screen, but not from my heart and mind”. He wrote that my words were embarassing  and that we knew it couldn’t work. I called him, but he didn’t pick up my call. So I texted him asking “don’t you want to talk to me?” Well, I know. I was giving him power. And he took it. He told me a lot of terrible things, about me, about my behaviour and our relationship. It was all my fault. I had convinced myself that he was having sex with his exGF and he was fed up with having to justify himself. I was the one who was creating problems and tensions, not her. And he told me that his love for me had waned after what had happened in August (that is to say when he had accused me of having criticized his sexual performances and painted me black for the first time). And added that no one was taking my space out of his life, as he was the one who had decided to reduce it. When I answered telling him “ok, let’s go on using people and trampling over them,  you’ll have a wonderful life” he replied that finally he had managed to uncover my real rageous nature, hidden under a false love coat. Adding that his life was perfect the way it was. In the same texting he had also orderered (I) me to erase his number from my contact list, saying that he was doing the same. I don’t know if this was true, but from that day on, we are NC. And I find it very painful. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, that I let him overrun my boundaries a lot of times, so that he could think he could do whatever he wanted, that I had tolerated verbal and emotional abuse and also that in some ways, as a reaction, I had acted out as the last time. But he has been giving me really a hard time and finally I lose control and sometimes seemed inconsistent, trying to please him in order to fix things and then sounding resentful for not having managed it. All the same, I’m still in love with this man and I miss him very much. I feel anger, i'm heartbroken, very wounded, but his NC is terrible for me.