Why did she phone and why, like a fool, am I pandering to her?

[Foolish man]

So it has been a little while since I have posted on here .  I was in a fairly desperate way before but now I am just confused .
My ex girlfriend who had recently shut me out , for about a week phoned today . She is ill and obviously wanted someone to take care of her. I , as I always do, offered to let her come over and I would look after her , I couldn’t leave to go to hers as she wanted because I had my children with me at home.
We haven’t talked for a week after she said she needed to shut me out for her benefit and mine , on Friday she deleted me on face book and then the same day text me saying she would like something she left at my house and that she will be paying me back some of the money she borrowed at the end of this month .
I have had a fairly difficult week but the space as started to help me recover. I have organised councilling to happen soon and was concentrating on work and me .
So she comes over , I cook her breakfast , get her medicine , run her a bath. ... . she asks me to go in and wash her hair. , so I really pamper her wash then dry it , and we are having fun , joking around then have a cuddle and it is all nice .
She then needs to go to work so before she leaves she brings out these sweets and says you can have them , she then tells me they are from her ex boyfriend before me and that she met him Friday and he messed with her head by kissing her and she kissed him back and that she has barely heard from him . She then says , I shouldn’t have said that , I have no filter .
Obviously I was gutted , she knew I had lots of questions but she had to rush off to work . She has literally just text me thank you !
So I am not as emotional as I thought I would be , actually kinda expecting this behaviour now , but what I don’t get is why she was even at mine , why she phoned , and why like a fool I was there pandering to her very whim ... .advice please. I am I need of experience of this from others

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[GaGrl]

My first reaction is - she is correct; she has no filter. Although she was talking about her verbal filter, it is more than that. People with BPD lack an emotional filter also. They have difficulty recognizing and doing something about the emotions the expetience, and they are poor at recognizing and responding to emotions in others (whether invoked by the person with BPD or not).

[Foolish man]

Thank you for your reply
We have texted a few times today, I asked her to come back here after work , I wanted a little clarity ,. But I didn’t say why I wanted her to come back here . And she came up with an excuse not too , she wasn’t rude or dismissive and I wasn’t pushy and accepted her explanation as I now know how this works. But I am now sat here with a head full of questions and really no answers , am I likely to get any .
I fully expect if I don’t contact her first , I won’t hear from her for a few days ... .

[Harri]

Hi.  I am sorry that happened.  I would be confused too. 

I don’t get is why she was even at mine , why she phoned , and why like a fool I was there pandering to her very whim ... .advice please. I am I need of experience of this from others

  I think people with BPD do what they do based on what they are feeling at the time.  So she most likely wanted to see you and be with you knowing you would help her.  I think you responded the way you did because you still have feelings for her.

What do you want clarity on?  Do you think she will be capable of giving you that? 

[Foolish man]

Hi
No I doubt she will.
I suppose I wanted to know if she told me to hurt me , or get a reaction . I didn’t react badly but it did hurt to hear .
I know I need to work on my boundaries and keep focusing on me rather than her behaviour .
Sometime I wish I was strong enough just to not care and enjoy the time we have together , but I am not in that place yet .
I asked last night why she told me and she said the same , I don’t know , sorry , I have no filter and also I asked why she came round and again she said I don’t know ... .not much clarity there .
I care about her so I know if I want to have her as part of my life I am going to have to deal with things differently and not become emotional , am I am working on it . Hopefully councilling will help me understand about building my barrier .
Thanks for the advice so far , none of my family or friends understand and think I should just walk away ... .

[Foolish man]

She came round again tonight for dinner , it was only arranged late when I phoned to see how she was .
Difficult evening , she was in a play fighting mood and there was lots of physical contact . Things got a bit silly and she threw a drink at me , in jest and then I did the same . What barriers came down and she was in a mood for an hour . It was really uncomfortable and her friend tried to lighten the mood .
By the end of the evening we talked and it was then she told me she had slept with someone else last week , during our no contact week .
Why she told me I can only assume it was to try and out me off  .
I know I should just walk away now ,we went together and she was single , but I just can’t seem to . I am devestated but kind of expected it , I am surprised she told me tho .
No idea how to handle this ,just when I thought I was getting a a grip she announces this ... .
Back to confusion and worry and stress

[Steps31]

Hi Fm,
I'm sorry to hear that. That's really harsh.
I'm in no way an expert, but sounds to me like maybe she is trying to test you by means of your reactions to the things she tells you in her way of letting things slip out "no filter."

Hope you can find some meaning and strength.

[Foolish man]

Thanks steps31
She is probably resting my reaction ,and I was calm , I told her I didn’t like it and that I understood we weren’t together but it still cuts deep and I can’t stop thinking about it .
I told her I didn’t like it , and she bows how I feel so why is she wanting a reaction . For me to shout and then her to shout so she can storm out and finally shut me out .
I struggle so much because I told her many times I would never abandon her but that really was cruel.
I need to walk away for my own benefit but I still just holding on to hope ... .hence foolish man