An email I've written to send to my ex, but have not yet sent

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys... . I know this is a terrible idea, but I'm tempted to send it anyway.

I am honest in this email and I feel good about what I've written:

What do you think?

Hey, I know it may seem random getting an email from me of any type of friendly tone, considering the last contact you had with me was accusations that I was out to get you or whatever... .

Listen though, I believe that you were saying those things because you wanted to be in contact with me, but have too much pride to do so without having an excuse.  I don't believe you were actually be harassed or whatever it is that you were accusing me of.  If I am wrong and you really think I've been up to some conspiracy to hurt you, then disregard this email and go on thinking whatever you want.  If I'm right then read on... .

[her name], while I am not happy with all the drama we went through and pain that I suffered, I still care about you and your well-being.  I am happy to be rid of the relationship.  I am happy to be moving on.  I hope you are too.  But I still at times miss the friendship that was at the core of what originally bonded us.  I believe you think about me.  And even if I am wrong, I feel I have enough humility to tell you that I think about you too.  I hope your life is going much better, and if you wish to have occasional contact, or just another friend to add to your roster of friends, I would be happy to do that.

[JohnThorn]

Hey guys... . I know this is a terrible idea, but I'm tempted to send it anyway.

I am honest in this email and I feel good about what I've written:

What do you think?

Hey, I know it may seem random getting an email from me of any type of friendly tone, considering the last contact you had with me was accusations that I was out to get you or whatever... .

Listen though, I believe that you were saying those things because you wanted to be in contact with me, but have too much pride to do so without having an excuse.  I don't believe you were actually be harassed or whatever it is that you were accusing me of.  If I am wrong and you really think I've been up to some conspiracy to hurt you, then disregard this email and go on thinking whatever you want.  If I'm right then read on... .

[her name], while I am not happy with all the drama we went through and pain that I suffered, I still care about you and your well-being.  I am happy to be rid of the relationship.  I am happy to be moving on.  I hope you are too.  But I still at times miss the friendship that was at the core of what originally bonded us.  I believe you think about me.  And even if I am wrong, I feel I have enough humility to tell you that I think about you too.  I hope your life is going much better, and if you wish to have occasional contact, or just another friend to add to your roster of friends, I would be happy to do that.

[DontPanic]

My experience here is that it is hard to break up with the people that have this disease. read anywhere on this forum and you will likely find many other that are experiencing what you are going through.

With time comes perspective, I'd give yourself that gift and not send a letter that may just invite pain...

Take care

[thelword]

Awful idea... don't send that unless you want to continue the recycling. It makes you sound weak (for a lack of a better word). BPD people lack boundaries and are usually self serving. Why would she care how you feel? You are validating her, that's all she wanted.

I've done what you are doing. I've recycled more times than I can count. I wish I had left the first month when I saw red flags.

[JohnThorn]

Awful idea... don't send that unless you want to continue the recycling. It makes you sound weak (for a lack of a better word). BPD people lack boundaries and are usually self serving. Why would she care how you feel? You are validating her, that's all she wanted.

I've done what you are doing. I've recycled more times than I can count. I wish I had left the first month when I saw red flags.

Is it weak to just put it out there that you want to be friends?

[JohnThorn]

My experience here is that it is hard to break up with the people that have this disease. read anywhere on this forum and you will likely find many other that are experiencing what you are going through.

With time comes perspective, I'd give yourself that gift and not send a letter that may just invite pain...

Take care

I guess there's no win with my idea haha

[Ihope2]

Is it possible to be "just friends" with an ex who has BPD?  It is difficult to be just friends with an ex when there is no personality disorder involved, in any case.

I am just thinking about it from my situation - there is no ways I could just be "friends" with my soon to be ex BPDh.  I have become his absolute trigger for everyone who ever hurt him and abandoned him.  He seems to think that I am all of that wrapped up into one person... .

I truly believe that No Contact is the best both for our ex and for us, under these circumstances.  It is so difficult to have to hold onto your urge to want to reach out and extend the basic human decency of telling her that you never meant her any harm, that you feel for her and understand things are tough for her, etc. But, she has a problem receiving the message and decoding it the way you meant it... . it will likely just get distorted in her brain and trigger another negative response towards you.  No Contact breaks this dysfunctional dynamic.  Just keep the knowledge safe in your heart  as to what your perspective  is on how things were from your side in this relationship.

[LettingGo14]

JohnThorn,

Many of us have written notes as we try to "figure" things out and feel better and find some cathartic release.

My experience with such notes is bitter & crushing disappointment. 

I think such notes serve two purposes:  (1) projection of our inner emotion states, (2) hope for reaction.     Again, results can be devastating.   

Do you think she might translate as follows?

Hey, I know it may seem random getting an email from me of any type of friendly tone, considering the last contact you had with me was accusations that I was out to get you or whatever... .

Possible translation:  Is he accusing me of making accusations?

Listen though, I believe that you were saying those things because you wanted to be in contact with me, but have too much pride to do so without having an excuse.  I don't believe you were actually be harassed or whatever it is that you were accusing me of.  

Possible translation:  I said those things because I can't communicate with you anymore. 

[her name], while I am not happy with all the drama we went through and pain that I suffered, I still care about you and your well-being.  I am happy to be rid of the relationship.  I am happy to be moving on.  I hope you are too.  But I still at times miss the friendship that was at the core of what originally bonded us.  I believe you think about me.  And even if I am wrong, I feel I have enough humility to tell you that I think about you too.  I hope your life is going much better, and if you wish to have occasional contact, or just another friend to add to your roster of friends, I would be happy to do that.

[/i]

Possible translation:   You are happy to be moving on?  "Rid" of me? 

JohnThorn:   This could be highly triggering.

Only you know what you need to do. But, experience here suggests that many found bitter disappointment after such notes.

[Infared]

JohnThorn

I agree with what everyone said. I really feel for you and where you are. In pain. We have all done this. If she is BPD this action will surely result in more pain for you. Try to read the lesson pages here, reach out and talk to others (as you are doing here). It is a process... . figuring out self love and applying it is key.

Ihope2

I had a relationship after my failed BPD relationship. (I have had to have strict NC with my BPD otherwise I have immense pain in my life).

I ended the  newer relationship for healthy reasons, in an adult fashion and we have, after a "break" been able to maintain a very decent friendship.

Just my limited experience. This did help with my sanity as I have never experienced anything like my interaction with the BPD and at times I thought it was all my fault and that I may be crazy because nothing made any sense to me. ... . but I know more now and things are better.

[BacknthSaddle]

Awful idea... don't send that unless you want to continue the recycling. It makes you sound weak (for a lack of a better word). BPD people lack boundaries and are usually self serving. Why would she care how you feel? You are validating her, that's all she wanted.

I've done what you are doing. I've recycled more times than I can count. I wish I had left the first month when I saw red flags.

Is it weak to just put it out there that you want to be friends?

It is not that you are what you are writing is "weak."  You are revealing vulnerabilities, which everyone has and which are perfectly normal to want to reveal inside the boundaries of a safe, loving relationship, even a friendship that is not romantic.

This is not that kind of relationship.  It is a relationship with someone with BPD.  Your vulnerabilities are likely to trigger shame, which is likely to trigger anger and devaluation, which is likely to make you feel like crap. 

As an aside, I would take a step back and ask yourself if you really, truly want to be added to her "roster of friends."  I would humbly suggest that you respect yourself too much to ask to be added to someone's roster of friends, and the FOG that you are in is making you forget that fact. 

[raytamtay3]

delete

[bunnyrabit]

yep,

writing it all out, excellent idea.

Actually sending it,   :'(  

^above smileys represent the roller coaster of emotions you're going to put yourself through, to be clear

[Lucky Jim]

I'm with bunnyrabit. 

Putting your thoughts and feelings down in writing is healthy; sending is not.  I've written plenty of letters that I never intended to send, in order to process my feelings, instead of ignoring or stifling them.  I suspect that unprocessed feelings are a source of many physical maladies, such as back pain or stomach problems, so I try to pay attention when I'm experiencing strong feelings and then take steps to process.  It works for me! 

LuckyJim

[bunnyrabit]

Well put Lucky Jim.

John Thorn, write, speak, shout, scream, cry... . let it ALL out but... . do it on here.

You are NEVER going to get through to her unless you're some genius psychiatrist and then still, you can't have an emotional bond with her because then you're nothing more than a trigger to her irrational thoughts.

[christoff522]

Hey guys... . I know this is a terrible idea, but I'm tempted to send it anyway.

I am honest in this email and I feel good about what I've written:

What do you think?

Hey, I know it may seem random getting an email from me of any type of friendly tone, considering the last contact you had with me was accusations that I was out to get you or whatever... .

Sorry, but this just sounds like begging, it also sounds needy, and from a BPD perspective 'creepy' especially when you're most likely as black as black can be right now

Listen though, I believe that you were saying those things because you wanted to be in contact with me, but have too much pride to do so without having an excuse.  I don't believe you were actually be harassed or whatever it is that you were accusing me of.  If I am wrong and you really think I've been up to some conspiracy to hurt you, then disregard this email and go on thinking whatever you want.  If I'm right then read on... .

Shes not going to appreciate being psycho-analysed, I know that for us this is pretty normal now, but she's seriously going to hate you even more for it. The last thing a depressed/psychotic/self-hating BPD sufferer is going to want is her ex telling her he knows more about her than her shrink or herself.  One thing I know for sure, if she wanted you back she'd contact you.

[her name], while I am not happy with all the drama we went through and pain that I suffered, I still care about you and your well-being.  I am happy to be rid of the relationship.  I am happy to be moving on.  I hope you are too.  But I still at times miss the friendship that was at the core of what originally bonded us.  I believe you think about me.  And even if I am wrong, I feel I have enough humility to tell you that I think about you too.  I hope your life is going much better, and if you wish to have occasional contact, or just another friend to add to your roster of friends, I would be happy to do that.

One thing I used to say to the BPD in my life was this "we can never be friends", the last thing she said to me was "you are my friend, we are friends, thats what we are... look after yourself x", before she went completely silent. They don't want friendship, they want control, if you think you can handle being a hanger on, watching her go with multiple guys she calls her 'friends', and if you imagine for a second that there'll be a gradual reconciliation and therapy and her slowly but surely recovering before being your girl again. You need a reality check. Honestly she's gonna find this so needy, she's going to lose all respect for you. Man, hear me... leave it.

All these things she knows, to seek a modern term - its 'beta', and if she wants you she'll come get you. But you don't want that! You don't want her in your life, and trust me, the moment you start to weaken she will be there, nagging, slandering, having a go at you, telling you that you're disgusting and that she hates you and losing you your friends. Trust me you don't need it.

[/i][/quote]

[christoff522]

JohnThorn,

Many of us have written notes as we try to "figure" things out and feel better and find some cathartic release.

My experience with such notes is bitter & crushing disappointment. 

I think such notes serve two purposes:  (1) projection of our inner emotion states, (2) hope for reaction.     Again, results can be devastating.   

Do you think she might translate as follows?

Hey, I know it may seem random getting an email from me of any type of friendly tone, considering the last contact you had with me was accusations that I was out to get you or whatever... .

Possible translation:  Is he accusing me of making accusations?

Listen though, I believe that you were saying those things because you wanted to be in contact with me, but have too much pride to do so without having an excuse.  I don't believe you were actually be harassed or whatever it is that you were accusing me of.  

Possible translation:  I said those things because I can't communicate with you anymore. 

[her name], while I am not happy with all the drama we went through and pain that I suffered, I still care about you and your well-being.  I am happy to be rid of the relationship.  I am happy to be moving on.  I hope you are too.  But I still at times miss the friendship that was at the core of what originally bonded us.  I believe you think about me.  And even if I am wrong, I feel I have enough humility to tell you that I think about you too.  I hope your life is going much better, and if you wish to have occasional contact, or just another friend to add to your roster of friends, I would be happy to do that.

[/i]

Possible translation:   You are happy to be moving on?  "Rid" of me? 

JohnThorn:   This could be highly triggering.

Only you know what you need to do. But, experience here suggests that many found bitter disappointment after such notes.

It's interesting, I've sent emails myself, they usually lead to ZERO response. Or negative response. In my first week of being rejected I sent 3 emails? never got a response. Glad I didn't. But all I can say is that your translations are right, they're not logical creatures, they have no empathy and they don't 'know' you as well as you think they do. You likely know them better than they know you. Just as a parent knows their child better than the child knows their parents. Its all about empathy and emotional maturity and an ability to process information on a more advanced level - remember that they're children in adult's bodies.

[BacknthSaddle]

Just a note: people can get upset and defensive when they hear that they are being "weak" or "needy," but this is not an insult.  The point is not that you need to "toughen up."  The point is: we are all needy and weak at times, and we need HEALTHY relationships in which we can SAFELY and CONFIDENTLY express our needs and our weaknesses.  The relationship you are describing is NOT such a relationship, and so if you do express the things you've written here, you are likely to either a) get no response, which will be disappointing and devaluing or b) get a nasty/cruel response, which is even worse. 

[willy45]

Hey man. DO NOT SEND! Wasn't she accusing you of following her around? This is dangerous. Do not give her any ammunition that she could go to the police with. And don't give her any ammunition should you have to go to the police. Do you really want any kind of relationship with someone who is accusing you of stalking, harassment, and conspiracy? Take a step back from your emotions. Use your intellect. If a buddy asked you the same question, what would you say? RUN! She sounds loony and capable of some pretty messed up stuff. Find a nice girl and be friends with her.

[bunnyrabit]

Find a nice girl and be friends with her.

[sirensong65]

Ok, guys... . step aside... let me through.  I am the latest idiot to send a message very much like this one so let me give t to him straight... .

DELETE IT!


I got crickets.  My feelings were not validated nor appreciated.  He was probably watching online porn, sexting some random skank on his phone, checking his Match.com account AND setting up dinner later with the NEW ME while skimming the beautiful written email I so painstakingly crafted with thought and tender care.

Print it out, sit in front of your dog or cat or the wall ad read this heartfelt message... . you will get more validation.

******Can anyone tell I stopped macraming my panty hose into a noose?  I'm back to being pissed off!****************************

[christoff522]

Ok, guys... . step aside... let me through.  I am the latest idiot to send a message very much like this one so let me give t to him straight... .

DELETE IT!


I got crickets.  My feelings were not validated nor appreciated.  He was probably watching online porn, sexting some random skank on his phone, checking his Match.com account AND setting up dinner later with the NEW ME while skimming the beautiful written email I so painstakingly crafted with thought and tender care.

Print it out, sit in front of your dog or cat or the wall ad read this heartfelt message... . you will get more validation.

******Can anyone tell I stopped macraming my panty hose into a noose?  I'm back to being pissed off!****************************

Its simple, I have a friend (well, former friend) who has BPD, he trawls dating websites for girls, he talks to them, and then travel vast distances (for us brits anyway) to meet them. sometimes over a hundred miles - and he doesn't drive. After a while he gets bored of them 'paints them black' and thats it, he has no intention of ever speaking to them again. Thats it, its over. No heartfelt message will inspire any interest in them ever again.

Its harsh, but no matter what we're better off than them. The relationships we will have in the future will grow, develop, we'll fall in love and so will they. Sure we have a lot of work to do in recovery and self-improvement but thats something they'll NEVER DO. They'll follow the same sorts of patterns for their whole life. Maybe they'll settle down one day... but we're talking 50s and 60s when they're too old to philander anymore.

[cosmonaut]

I don't want to pile on, but I also recommend not sending it.  Writing it, as others have said, is a great idea.  We need to get these feelings out and express them.  Writing (not not sending) a very long letter to my ex where I said all the things that have been left unsaid - both good and bad - was very therapeutic for me.  However, sending that letter is almost certainly not going to have the effect you intend.  It will be interpreted ways you wouldn't believe.  The one outcome that is least likely is that you two become friends and have a normal relationship as such.  I remember your posts from earlier and the strange texts/calls you have been receiving.  It's likely you are painted black as night now, and everything will be filtered and processed as such.  Listen to the voice inside you that says "I know this is a terrible idea" and don't send it.   

[cobaltblue]

I guess I'd have to ask you a specific question: "Why are you thinking of sending this and with what desired outcome?"

I think we all miss the "friendship" that we had with the person. But reality is the reason we left was because we realized that friendship was very one-sided and was actually draining us like a vampire drains its victims of blood.

Do we "miss" the vampire sometimes? Well sure, I mean the biting of the neck is kinky, the sex is great, but at the end of the day you have to understand that they're not adding anything to your life, they're trying to take it.

You sending this email is the equivalent of inviting a vampire back into your house.

There's absolutely no reason to send it. You can't be "Just friends" with a vampire just like you can't be friends with a parasite when it views you as its host.

[JohnThorn]

Guys, I never sent the email. But I feel so strange thinking about her a lot. Thanks soo much for your support!

[christoff522]

I guess I'd have to ask you a specific question: "Why are you thinking of sending this and with what desired outcome?"

I think we all miss the "friendship" that we had with the person. But reality is the reason we left was because we realized that friendship was very one-sided and was actually draining us like a vampire drains its victims of blood.

Do we "miss" the vampire sometimes? Well sure, I mean the biting of the neck is kinky, the sex is great, but at the end of the day you have to understand that they're not adding anything to your life, they're trying to take it.

You sending this email is the equivalent of inviting a vampire back into your house.

There's absolutely no reason to send it. You can't be "Just friends" with a vampire just like you can't be friends with a parasite when it views you as its host.

Exactly! Yes the BPD sufferer is a human being, but so is a serial killer, or a terrorist.

The BPD is a leech that can flutter its eyelashes to keep you hooked.

Mythology calls them sirens, nature has a venus fly trap - these are great analogies for our 'one true loves'.

The first episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer has a vampire named Darla seducing a high school student, the guy thinks he's going to get some, and right before they get it on,  out comes the true beast, with her horrible disfigured face, and the guy is dead.

These are extremes, but at times like these to retain your life, your health, your sanity you have to think in extremes! Its a mild exaggeration of the true reality of what you're in for.

[cobaltblue]

It is NORMAL for you to feel strange thinking about her all the time. Just don't act on those thoughts or feelings.

[christoff522]

Guys, I never sent the email. But I feel so strange thinking about her a lot. Thanks soo much for your support!

The reason you think so much is because of the trauma that you've suffered... you've had this every day, every value that you held dear probably came into question, every boundary you had crossed, everything you thought about yourself messed with. Your personality altered, your beliefs and emotions manipulated. You probably also have a lot of issues with closure, guilt and shame at being messed with so much and allowing yourself to be treated like you were.

Worst of all, denial, shock, and lost hopes.

Don't feel bad, everyone on this forum has been or IS where you are.

Well done for not sending it.

[sirensong65]

Listen, John... . I understand where you are. I'm right there with you.  Sometimes, i wake up and hope this is all just one long bad dream.  It seems like things took a turn so fast.  One minute I had found my soulmate and things were prefect.  The next, the one I called best friend and lover was telling to "relationships just don't always work out, get over it!"  

As soon as we started settling in to what I would call "the good stuff", the part of the relationship where you settle in and start nesting with your best friend, he started picking fights and storming off for whole weekends.  Now I realize he did that so he could hunt for a replacement or worse, BE with her in the honeymoon stage. While I sat at home heartbroken wondering wha in the world was So wrong?

Honey, this is doomed at the start.  Before they met us, they were broken.  But they get themselves all spiffed up and tuck that crazy in so it doesn't show... . long enough to hook us.

People laugh when I say if Ryan Gosling showed up at my door, naked and offering to marry me on my doorstep, I would yell I gave at the office and slam the door in his face.  I find very little lately appealing, especially the opposite sex.  I only long for those hugs from that man that I thought loved me.  I called him my human Prozac.  No matter how crappy the day, I was always giddy to hop into bed at the end of each day to be held by him as I drifted off to sleep.  I had never felt that way about a man in my life.  I'm kinda tough, I had some huge walls to scale.  And I tore them down with a backhoe for him and let him access all the spaces in my heart.  Now what?

We keep moving.  It's hard.  I used to take pride in being called a Super Woman. A hard working single mom, I always cooked a meal at night, kept a spotless house, me ad my kids did all sorts of thngs together.  I had hobbies and interests and PERSONALITY.  Now, I wear the mask.  So I can function outside this house I put on the brave face.  But at home, things aren't the same.  My kids have seen it, I have slipped away.  I hope it gets better.  I'm trying to get better, I'm doing all the right things.  But I can't control time.  And TIME is what it will take to bounce back from this.  I can;t be pushed or controlled.  No one can give us an estimate as some get over it sooner and others only years later.  In some ways some never totally do.

Why am I rambling on like this.  To show you, as you sit whereever you live,  in your home, feeling that life is racing on past for everybody BUT you, there those like me, sitting in our homes, feeling the SAME WAY about a TOTALLY DIFFERENT person but God don't they all sound the same in many ways?

Sometimes, just knowing we are NOT crazy OR alone and someone else knows where we are coming from, can be comfort enough.

It isn't much, but for now that is all I have and all you have as well. Take it... .  

[toomanytears]

Hi christoff522

You're spot on. We delude ourselves that they have insights and empathy.  I've just sent my BPDh an email (after swearing to myself that I wouldn't) about our beautiful dog. We had her 25 yeas ago. I suddenly feel so sad that there is no one to share the memory of her with except my soon to be ex BPDh. These memories are searingly hard to let go. But they are now in a vacuum.

It's interesting, I've sent emails myself, they usually lead to ZERO response. Or negative response. In my first week of being rejected I sent 3 emails? never got a response. Glad I didn't. But all I can say is that your translations are right, they're not logical creatures, they have no empathy and they don't 'know' you as well as you think they do. You likely know them better than they know you. Just as a parent knows their child better than the child knows their parents. Its all about empathy and emotional maturity and an ability to process information on a more advanced level - remember that they're children in adult's bodies.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi JT,

I'll chime in with all of the rest, and say that I HAVE sent those heartfelt, honest, complimentary, loving emails, and all three times there was zero response.  After the emails, and upcoming recycle, those words were twisted and used against me, it hurt so much, and left me speechless in her presence.  With the exception of one text message on Mothers day, which ws also ignored, I have been NC longer than I have ever been during the almost 4 yr. on again/off again "relationship". I use quotes because I use the R word loosely.

I am right there with you, can't wait til bedtime when its safe to cry.  I do still tear up during the day at the sight of almost anything that reminds me of her, which is a lot!  I just returned from a concert for one my kids that she would normally attend, it was hard.

I have been reading and participating here since Dec 2010, when my T suggested I read up on BPD, all of these stories were so eerily similar, but I did feel less alone.

I read advice after I shared my story, but I thought to myself, "naaa, shes not as bad as some of these other people", and? I went ahead in my hubris and did what I thought was best for "us".  Well, yanno what?  I WAS DEAD WRONG, my pwBPDXgf is every bit as disordered as many here are believed to be.  She is intelligent, funny, beautiful, has more talent in her pinky finger than ten people, athletic and so and so on.  I love her, I love her right now in this minute, disordered and all. I miss her so much my chest aches, and I'd love for her to know that.  I can hardly see through my tears just trying to tell you this.  The only way we can get out of this toxic cycle is to break it ourselves.  All the love in the world cannot make our relationships work, this time, love is not enough and we have to save ourselves.

Keep writing, keep getting your thoughts out, read it back to yourself, read it out loud, let someone you trust read it and share their thoughts, but do not send... . sending = pain.

CiG

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I guess I'd have to ask you a specific question: "Why are you thinking of sending this and with what desired outcome?"

I think we all miss the "friendship" that we had with the person. But reality is the reason we left was because we realized that friendship was very one-sided and was actually draining us like a vampire drains its victims of blood.

Do we "miss" the vampire sometimes? Well sure, I mean the biting of the neck is kinky, the sex is great, but at the end of the day you have to understand that they're not adding anything to your life, they're trying to take it.

You sending this email is the equivalent of inviting a vampire back into your house.

There's absolutely no reason to send it. You can't be "Just friends" with a vampire just like you can't be friends with a parasite when it views you as its host.

Exactly! Yes the BPD sufferer is a human being, but so is a serial killer, or a terrorist.

The BPD is a leech that can flutter its eyelashes to keep you hooked.

Mythology calls them sirens, nature has a venus fly trap - these are great analogies for our 'one true loves'.

The first episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer has a vampire named Darla seducing a high school student, the guy thinks he's going to get some, and right before they get it on,  out comes the true beast, with her horrible disfigured face, and the guy is dead.

These are extremes, but at times like these to retain your life, your health, your sanity you have to think in extremes! Its a mild exaggeration of the true reality of what you're in for.

You are my favorite person. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is awesmomist!

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Oh yea... I wrote one of those to my first BPD ex...

it was so loving. it was a missed connections thing.

It went back and forth her twisting every loving thing

I said into something negative.

I actually took the time, unlike on here, to write eloquently.

It was almost like I wrote something completely different

than she had read!

[willy45]

Yahoo!

Good for you for not sending it. That's awesome. The thoughts will turn, don't worry. The only way they won't is if you have contact. So, this is a great step. Good for you man. That's a huge step forward.

[AwakenedOne]

Is it possible to be "just friends" with an ex who has BPD?  It is difficult to be just friends with an ex when there is no personality disorder involved, in any case.

I am just thinking about it from my situation - there is no ways I could just be "friends" with my soon to be ex BPDh.  I have become his absolute trigger for everyone who ever hurt him and abandoned him.  He seems to think that I am all of that wrapped up into one person... .

I truly believe that No Contact is the best both for our ex and for us, under these circumstances.  It is so difficult to have to hold onto your urge to want to reach out and extend the basic human decency of telling her that you never meant her any harm, that you feel for her and understand things are tough for her, etc. But, she has a problem receiving the message and decoding it the way you meant it... . it will likely just get distorted in her brain and trigger another negative response towards you.  No Contact breaks this dysfunctional dynamic.  Just keep the knowledge safe in your heart  as to what your perspective  is on how things were from your side in this relationship.

JT,

I agree with these words also.

AO

[GlitterBug]

Listen, John... . I understand where you are. I'm right there with you.  Sometimes, i wake up and hope this is all just one long bad dream.  It seems like things took a turn so fast.  One minute I had found my soulmate and things were prefect.  The next, the one I called best friend and lover was telling to "relationships just don't always work out, get over it!"  

As soon as we started settling in to what I would call "the good stuff", the part of the relationship where you settle in and start nesting with your best friend, he started picking fights and storming off for whole weekends.  Now I realize he did that so he could hunt for a replacement or worse, BE with her in the honeymoon stage. While I sat at home heartbroken wondering wha in the world was So wrong?

Honey, this is doomed at the start.  Before they met us, they were broken.  But they get themselves all spiffed up and tuck that crazy in so it doesn't show... . long enough to hook us.

People laugh when I say if Ryan Gosling showed up at my door, naked and offering to marry me on my doorstep, I would yell I gave at the office and slam the door in his face.  I find very little lately appealing, especially the opposite sex.  I only long for those hugs from that man that I thought loved me.  I called him my human Prozac.  No matter how crappy the day, I was always giddy to hop into bed at the end of each day to be held by him as I drifted off to sleep.  I had never felt that way about a man in my life.  I'm kinda tough, I had some huge walls to scale.  And I tore them down with a backhoe for him and let him access all the spaces in my heart.  Now what?

We keep moving.  It's hard.  I used to take pride in being called a Super Woman. A hard working single mom, I always cooked a meal at night, kept a spotless house, me ad my kids did all sorts of thngs together.  I had hobbies and interests and PERSONALITY.  Now, I wear the mask.  So I can function outside this house I put on the brave face.  But at home, things aren't the same.  My kids have seen it, I have slipped away.  I hope it gets better.  I'm trying to get better, I'm doing all the right things.  But I can't control time.  And TIME is what it will take to bounce back from this.  I can;t be pushed or controlled.  No one can give us an estimate as some get over it sooner and others only years later.  In some ways some never totally do.

Why am I rambling on like this.  To show you, as you sit whereever you live,  in your home, feeling that life is racing on past for everybody BUT you, there those like me, sitting in our homes, feeling the SAME WAY about a TOTALLY DIFFERENT person but God don't they all sound the same in many ways?

Sometimes, just knowing we are NOT crazy OR alone and someone else knows where we are coming from, can be comfort enough.

It isn't much, but for now that is all I have and all you have as well. Take it... .  

Fab post! I can relate to so much of what you said

[JohnThorn]

There's a great likelihood that I will be running into my ex this weekend. My friend is playing a show and many of her friends are going. I am scheduled to join my friend on stage too. The venue is in her neighborhood too. And she knows I will be there. I am also fairly confident that between all the Facebook shares, that she absolutely knows of the gig and that I will be there.

It's caused me to feel very excited, emotionally stimulated, worried, embarrassed... . some part of me hopes she shows up. But I know her well enough to know that if she shows up, it will probably be with a man, and the objective will be to watch my reaction and see that I care.

[Infared]

There's a great likelihood that I will be running into my ex this weekend. My friend is playing a show and many of her friends are going. I am scheduled to join my friend on stage too. The venue is in her neighborhood too. And she knows I will be there. I am also fairly confident that between all the Facebook shares, that she absolutely knows of the gig and that I will be there.

It's caused me to feel very excited, emotionally stimulated, worried, embarrassed... . some part of me hopes she shows up. But I know her well enough to know that if she shows up, it will probably be with a man, and the objective will be to watch my reaction and see that I care.

John... . I have gone thru this over the years, again and again... still the same. If she is with the guy that she ran off with, they will go out of their way to emotionally act-out trying to abuse me like a couple of 7th-graders? Hugging, kissing... they actually came into a place I was once, sat at the closet table that they could, both facing me and stared at me with smiles on there faces. Unbelievable.  If she is alone... she goes out of her way to try to walk up to me like nothing ever happened and acts like we are best friends. It is so insane.  In all instances, I just put my head down and walk to where I am going with no interaction. I keep a blank look on my face. How could I possibly interact with that person. It still hurts... . but at least I know I am protecting me. I had no clue that adults actually acted this way. No clue.