I hope it isn’t too late for us

[Jessica84]

My ex and I have been on a 5-yr emotional rollercoaster. He has every trait of BPD but I just saw him as Jeckyl/Hyde, fine one minute, angry beast the next. He had been growing distant for the last few months, and gotten super edgy. Instead of panicking I started meditating and walking in nature, found this website, read the lessons, read about boundaries and all I could on BPD, read "Walking on Eggshells". His tantrums were less severe and things began to improve, but too little, too late. I was too new to all this when the wheels started coming off again. First came the silent treatment, then the dreaded "we need to talk".

I reacted differently to this breakup. I just let him go without a fight. I kept trying and failing every time. Tired of asking why, I finally... .surrendered. He said he was feeling reckless, impulsive like a vampire, whatever that means. He said other awful, weird, confusing things but I listened w/o interrupting. While I was hurting inside, I stayed calm and said something like 'ok. I'm sorry you feel this way. I want you to be happy.' I felt sad but relieved.

Here's where a confusing kind of hope enters, like maybe it isn't too late? There's been no delay in contact from him this time. He has called me almost every day since the breakup just to share his day, trying clumsily to say something positive. I don't bring up the b/u. I’m not wallowing in misery. He hasn’t replaced me. He's started talking about his feelings, including his anger and depression. Each time he calls I really listen to him now, validate him, without judgment, without fear, without 'me' getting in the way! He's opened up so much. It's like meeting the real him for the first time, a really good person who suffers a horrible disorder that makes him a monster at times. He's so much less monster to me now, and I find myself loving him more.

What a difference in my mindset now. I let go of a lot of my old thinking and expectations. I didn’t know what made him tick and stayed on edge constantly waiting for it. I forgave him everything. Forgave myself too. I only wish I had learned all this sooner. I can only take comfort in the fact that... I didn't know better. I still love my "monster". I wish I had listened more, without my own agenda, my own fears and insecurities. He is having serious thoughts of suicide and that scares me. I've spent 5 years with this man not even aware of the depth of his pain. Maybe he's a monster, but maybe I was too?

I never saw my part in this destructive on/off cycle. I would always blame him. Then we would get back together, but with neither of us having changed, always the same result. I never realized how much I used to invalidate him. I took it personal every time he tried to express himself. I shamed him. I didn't want to hear about his depression. I thought he was being manipulative. I hated being a slave to my phone to avoid being accused. I didn't want to hear about all his problems, all the time. I especially didn't want to hear his fantasies about other women - my insecurities came screaming out! I reacted out of panic and fear of losing him, which of course, I did anyway. I walked on eggshells, but so did he. He had to hide that "monster" inside him to keep mine from coming unleashed. How exhausting for him. For both of us. His lack of a filter and what looked like pure selfishness drove me crazy. Validate his feelings? Oh I couldn't even begin to do that!

I'm not sure where we're headed now, and I know I can't make things better, but I sure can stop making it worse. I hope it isn’t too late for us. We’re still talking, and he’s finally seeking help. Who knows?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[baconeggs]

I've broken up with my BPDgf 3 times now over 6 years.  It's been less than a week since she told me she wanted a break (4th time).  Every time I leave, we start talking about our r/s honestly and decide to get back together, but then we get back together, get comfortable, I forget about the strategies to deal with BPD, and we get back into our old habits.

If you do decide to get back together,  make sure that you don't revert to your old ways and have an idea of how to improve the r/s.  It will be hard at times, but you need to be persistent.  We might get back together for a fourth and hopefully final time now, and this time I want to really try to make it work if it happens.

My ex and I have been on a 5-yr emotional rollercoaster. He has every trait of BPD but I just saw him as Jeckyl/Hyde, fine one minute, angry beast the next. He had been growing distant for the last few months, and gotten super edgy. Instead of panicking I started meditating and walking in nature, found this website, read the lessons, read about boundaries and all I could on BPD, read "Walking on Eggshells". His tantrums were less severe and things began to improve, but too little, too late. I was too new to all this when the wheels started coming off again. First came the silent treatment, then the dreaded "we need to talk".

I reacted differently to this breakup. I just let him go without a fight. I kept trying and failing every time. Tired of asking why, I finally... .surrendered. He said he was feeling reckless, impulsive like a vampire, whatever that means. He said other awful, weird, confusing things but I listened w/o interrupting. While I was hurting inside, I stayed calm and said something like 'ok. I'm sorry you feel this way. I want you to be happy.' I felt sad but relieved.

Here's where a confusing kind of hope enters, like maybe it isn't too late? There's been no delay in contact from him this time. He has called me almost every day since the breakup just to share his day, trying clumsily to say something positive. I don't bring up the b/u. I’m not wallowing in misery. He hasn’t replaced me. He's started talking about his feelings, including his anger and depression. Each time he calls I really listen to him now, validate him, without judgment, without fear, without 'me' getting in the way! He's opened up so much. It's like meeting the real him for the first time, a really good person who suffers a horrible disorder that makes him a monster at times. He's so much less monster to me now, and I find myself loving him more.

What a difference in my mindset now. I let go of a lot of my old thinking and expectations. I didn’t know what made him tick and stayed on edge constantly waiting for it. I forgave him everything. Forgave myself too. I only wish I had learned all this sooner. I can only take comfort in the fact that... I didn't know better. I still love my "monster". I wish I had listened more, without my own agenda, my own fears and insecurities. He is having serious thoughts of suicide and that scares me. I've spent 5 years with this man not even aware of the depth of his pain. Maybe he's a monster, but maybe I was too?

I never saw my part in this destructive on/off cycle. I would always blame him. Then we would get back together, but with neither of us having changed, always the same result. I never realized how much I used to invalidate him. I took it personal every time he tried to express himself. I shamed him. I didn't want to hear about his depression. I thought he was being manipulative. I hated being a slave to my phone to avoid being accused. I didn't want to hear about all his problems, all the time. I especially didn't want to hear his fantasies about other women - my insecurities came screaming out! I reacted out of panic and fear of losing him, which of course, I did anyway. I walked on eggshells, but so did he. He had to hide that "monster" inside him to keep mine from coming unleashed. How exhausting for him. For both of us. His lack of a filter and what looked like pure selfishness drove me crazy. Validate his feelings? Oh I couldn't even begin to do that!

I'm not sure where we're headed now, and I know I can't make things better, but I sure can stop making it worse. I hope it isn’t too late for us. We’re still talking, and he’s finally seeking help. Who knows?

[waverider]

Sounds like you have taken the information you have learn on board in a balanced way. This may be the crisis he needs to have.

If you are the only person he can talk to in open way about this disorder and his problems in general, you will feel "safe' to him, and so he will find it hard to let go of you.

Space is your friend here, you can use this to consolidate your sense of clarity. You were both victims of the Disorder. You both have to heal from past traumas, before you can cope with any potential future ones.

[Jessica84]

Thank you baconeggs and waverider for your responses. I have no idea if it would work. I still haven't learned how to defuse a bomb. Maybe some FBI training would help? 

It's like he's standing there holding the pin on a grenade all the time, waiting to pull it. Sometimes he lets go, sometimes he panics and gets trigger happy. It seems like the best times we've had are when I didn't react to his behavior or didn't take it personal, which surprisingly made him stop it pretty quickly, and he'd loosen his grip on the pin. But then it was like he couldn't stand when there was no conflict so he'd try new ways to make me react, with even worse behavior. When it worked and I got upset, he'd pull the pin. Kaboom.

I've tried pretending to be non-reactive, but that doesn't work. It has to be authentic. He can tell the difference. I genuinely have to feel calm inside, at all times, regardless of his behavior. The challenge is staying in a calm, genuine, non-reactive state of mind... .while being tested, constantly.

[waverider]

Thank you baconeggs and waverider for your responses. I have no idea if it would work. I still haven't learned how to defuse a bomb. Maybe some FBI training would help? 

It's like he's standing there holding the pin on a grenade all the time, waiting to pull it. Sometimes he lets go, sometimes he panics and gets trigger happy. It seems like the best times we've had are when I didn't react to his behavior or didn't take it personal, which surprisingly made him stop it pretty quickly, and he'd loosen his grip on the pin. But then it was like he couldn't stand when there was no conflict so he'd try new ways to make me react, with even worse behavior. When it worked and I got upset, he'd pull the pin. Kaboom.

I get this, it is almost like you wake up everyday feeling like you job is to go hug a suicide bomber.

Not all bombs are defused, some are exploded from a safe distance

I've tried pretending to be non-reactive, but that doesn't work. It has to be authentic. He can tell the difference. I genuinely have to feel calm inside, at all times, regardless of his behavior. The challenge is staying in a calm, genuine, non-reactive state of mind... .while being tested, constantly.

All attempts to change your instinctive behavior entail a certain amount of role playing first.

If you cant stop being reactive then learn to disengage and take your reactions elsewhere. If validation is hard for you, and it can be hard for me at times, as it is exhausting and sometimes feels a tad fake, then concentrate on not being invalidating. whereby the default is to say nothing rather than blurt out something that might be unintentionally triggering

[Jessica84]

I'm a blurter by nature, born with a foot in my mouth! I had a hard time getting used to someone so hypersensitive. He would play back my words to me verbatum but somehow twist my meaning. I didn't like being misunderstood, so I reacted. Overreacted in some cases.

I'm practicing JADE now but it's definitely against my natural inclination. Good tool for self-improvement though. I need to learn to be more sensitive, think before speaking, and validate without going into full blown self-defense mode!

I know I've hurt other people's feelings in the past who were too polite or forgiving to say so. A few close friends would tell me they were upset by something I said or did, and every time I was surprised. But I listened and understood immediately how insensitive I was and apologized. They in turn understood immediately that I meant no harm and accepted my apology. And that was that. Not so easy with a pwBPD.

[waverider]

pwBPD seem to have snaphot memories and can easily remember quotes. Emotion, meaning and context however are fleeting. Those memories can be recalled and cut and pasted to suit whatever they feel now. Hence the twisting. If they feel bad a bunch of memories can be recalled, spiced up and used to validate why they feel bad. If they feel good the same memories can be recalled, cut and pasted slightly different, add sugar, and they now validate why they feel good.

There is enough truth to make it convincing to anyone who wasn't there. Sometimes they can almost convince you. They believe it themselves, as the emotion of today always was and always will be.

[Jessica84]

Waverider-- you have an excellent way with words. You have an amazing gift with this incredible way of explaining things in a way that makes sense. I've learned so much from you, and from others here. I'm sure you've learned all this stuff the hard way so thank you for sharing your insights with all of us here.

I'm starting to lose hope. I've lost contact with my guy since Friday. I suspect I'll hear from him again soon. He never strays too far or for too long. My curse, my blessing ? But sometimes I wonder if this is "IT", the final goodbye.

This wasn't even an explosive breakup that I caused (for a change) by being reactive or triggering. At least, if I did trigger him I don't see how? He's got me painted white as snow. Last time we spoke it ended with I love you's. I still don't get why he did it. He begged me to dump him the week before. He told me he was depressed leading up to the b/u and said he wanted to get all sad things out of the way at the same time. I assured him I wasn't going anywhere, but I guess he didn't believe me so he beat me to it -- to get it over with. Something that wasn't going to happen in the first place. Seems no matter what I do, breaking up is his go-to impulse.

His suicide ideation has me worried when he goes silent. If it weren't for social media I wouldn't know if he was alive. I don't contact him because I can't bring myself to. Maybe it's my defense mechanism. I can't tell anymore where I'm sad for me, or sad for him, where his pain begins, or where mine ends, it's all so entangled.