Help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

<sup>Hello. I've been with my boyfriend off and on for 4 years, and boy has it been a roller coaster. We began talking when he was only 15, and now he is 20 and I am 22. I first suspected BPD recently, about three months ago when we got back together after a 4 month split. I need help because at first I was sure he has BPD, but I've been second guessing myself. Hopefully someone can help!

At first in the relationship, I began to notice that his behavior was strange. He would rarely share his emotions with me, and when I would make "mistakes" he would tell me everything was fine but would suffer huge inner turmoil and refuse to explain what was making him upset. He would shut down to "save me from getting upset" because of his behavior. It was strange, but we were so in love that I did anything to make sure he was happy. Two years into the relationship, we found out his dad was dying of cancer. After this point, he changed a lot, as anyone would. He blamed me for his unhappiness the past few years in the relationship because I "forced" him to sacrifice his happiness for me. But I never forced him to do anything! He would hide his distaste for my actions as well as his feelings and his unfair anger towards me. After his father became sick, he stopped worrying about my feelings or saving me from his horrible mood swings and he slipped into a depression. It was hell. When I was just trying to support him, he saw me as being an annoyance and being needy and wanting his attention. I did so much for him and his family during this time; I made them meals, I sent them letters of support and encouragement, I invited them to my church and put in prayer requests for them. Not once did my partner thank me for any of the times I went out of my way to help him. I sank into a depression too and I couldn't understand his erratic behavior was depression too. I felt like he was misdiagnosed. When he broke up with me to "save me from his depressed self" he began dating another girl and I was furious, hurt, and felt betrayed.

We got back together a few months after his dad's passing. He said he dated the other girl to get over me, even though he could've been with me. This behavior was common during our breakups; he'd sleep with, date, or show interest in other women and then come back with the excuse that he was trying to forget me, though I was here for him the whole time and was willing to get back together.

The BPD symptoms really became noticeable this summer, after getting back together after our most recent breakup. He began constantly accusing me of cheating on him with no evidence to back his claims. If I would talk to a guy at work, as part of my job, he would accuse me of being flirty and doing something to attract the guy. When something would make him mad, he would switch from being calm to being angry, inconsolable, and rude. When angry, he would make cutting remarks. I remember once when he was carrying in my backpack from my car, my laptop fell out onto the floor. He was so angry and he yelled at me for forgetting to zip it, rather than apologizing for being the only to actually drop the laptop.

When I confronted him about being emotionally abusive to me and needing help, he blamed his behavior on my depression. "If you weren't depressed, you wouldn't put so much stress on me and id be nicer to you." He told me to get help or he threatened to break up with me and never talk to me again. This is different than all the other breakups, because his reasoning before was always that he didn't feel like he deserved me. Now he wants to breakup because he is finally opening up and blaming all the stress, arguments and discord on me. He hasn't done it officially yet, but when I call him or text him he tells me I'm annoying him and that I'm needy. If he tries to contact me and I don't answer however, it's a problem and he will accuse me of cheating on him or neglecting him.

Some of the other disturbing traits I've noticed about him through the years are his inability to empathize, his sense of entitlement, and the way he tries to control the way I spend money. He comes from a wealthy family and will always make cutting remarks about how I spend my money. He also criticizes my choices constantly and fails to see that the choices I make are the best for me in that moment. For example, I'm working two jobs right now to pay off student loans and he was so angry that I decided to lease a car because he doesn't  believe in leasing over buyingg, even though my monthly payment is much more affordable as a lease.

I don't know what to do and I always second guess myself when it comes to him. One day he is my best friend and we talk about our future together. The next minute his is angry and hateful, and he hides away from me, telling me I put him through too much stress and I'm selfish. I can't really put into words how much time and energy and love and understanding I have put into a relationship with this boy. I consider myself very reasonable and in time with my emotions, and sometimes I feel like reasoning with him is impossible when he thinks he is right or when he is angry about something so minuscule.

Now he is acting very distant. He says I make him so angry because I've been crying a lot and been feeling broken up about our relationship. I feel like he doesn't love me and no matter how badly he treats me he doesn't feel remorse anymore and he doesn't think my concerns are valid, even when I present them in a very loving and understanding way. No matter what the problem in the relationship he will always turn it around and blame me. He even will yell at me for crying, telling me I'm just doing it to make him mad and that I should have a better control of my emotions and that I don't have a right to feel sad.

A lot of the characteristics of people with BPD look like him. But does him breaking up with me constantly also fit? What about him calling me needy and wanting space from me? I need help because I'm so drained and I should leave but I love him too much and would do anything for him to be happy. Recently he has been saying that he is not sure if I'm what he wants anymore and that the way I conduct myself is disagreeable. He maintains that he still loves me, and the strange thing is the other night he told me he is afraid that I don't love him anymore and when I try to talk to him about it he shuts down and gets angry and says he doesn't want to talk about it. Is he pushing me away and being so cold because he is afraid I will tell him I don't love him anymore and recognize the abuse and leave? I know BPD people are usually afraid of abandonment. I just don't know. Please help.</sup>

[ElisK]

<sup>Hello. I've been with my boyfriend off and on for 4 years, and boy has it been a roller coaster. We began talking when he was only 15, and now he is 20 and I am 22. I first suspected BPD recently, about three months ago when we got back together after a 4 month split. I need help because at first I was sure he has BPD, but I've been second guessing myself. Hopefully someone can help!

At first in the relationship, I began to notice that his behavior was strange. He would rarely share his emotions with me, and when I would make "mistakes" he would tell me everything was fine but would suffer huge inner turmoil and refuse to explain what was making him upset. He would shut down to "save me from getting upset" because of his behavior. It was strange, but we were so in love that I did anything to make sure he was happy. Two years into the relationship, we found out his dad was dying of cancer. After this point, he changed a lot, as anyone would. He blamed me for his unhappiness the past few years in the relationship because I "forced" him to sacrifice his happiness for me. But I never forced him to do anything! He would hide his distaste for my actions as well as his feelings and his unfair anger towards me. After his father became sick, he stopped worrying about my feelings or saving me from his horrible mood swings and he slipped into a depression. It was hell. When I was just trying to support him, he saw me as being an annoyance and being needy and wanting his attention. I did so much for him and his family during this time; I made them meals, I sent them letters of support and encouragement, I invited them to my church and put in prayer requests for them. Not once did my partner thank me for any of the times I went out of my way to help him. I sank into a depression too and I couldn't understand his erratic behavior was depression too. I felt like he was misdiagnosed. When he broke up with me to "save me from his depressed self" he began dating another girl and I was furious, hurt, and felt betrayed.

We got back together a few months after his dad's passing. He said he dated the other girl to get over me, even though he could've been with me. This behavior was common during our breakups; he'd sleep with, date, or show interest in other women and then come back with the excuse that he was trying to forget me, though I was here for him the whole time and was willing to get back together.

The BPD symptoms really became noticeable this summer, after getting back together after our most recent breakup. He began constantly accusing me of cheating on him with no evidence to back his claims. If I would talk to a guy at work, as part of my job, he would accuse me of being flirty and doing something to attract the guy. When something would make him mad, he would switch from being calm to being angry, inconsolable, and rude. When angry, he would make cutting remarks. I remember once when he was carrying in my backpack from my car, my laptop fell out onto the floor. He was so angry and he yelled at me for forgetting to zip it, rather than apologizing for being the only to actually drop the laptop.

When I confronted him about being emotionally abusive to me and needing help, he blamed his behavior on my depression. "If you weren't depressed, you wouldn't put so much stress on me and id be nicer to you." He told me to get help or he threatened to break up with me and never talk to me again. This is different than all the other breakups, because his reasoning before was always that he didn't feel like he deserved me. Now he wants to breakup because he is finally opening up and blaming all the stress, arguments and discord on me. He hasn't done it officially yet, but when I call him or text him he tells me I'm annoying him and that I'm needy. If he tries to contact me and I don't answer however, it's a problem and he will accuse me of cheating on him or neglecting him.

Some of the other disturbing traits I've noticed about him through the years are his inability to empathize, his sense of entitlement, and the way he tries to control the way I spend money. He comes from a wealthy family and will always make cutting remarks about how I spend my money. He also criticizes my choices constantly and fails to see that the choices I make are the best for me in that moment. For example, I'm working two jobs right now to pay off student loans and he was so angry that I decided to lease a car because he doesn't  believe in leasing over buyingg, even though my monthly payment is much more affordable as a lease.

I don't know what to do and I always second guess myself when it comes to him. One day he is my best friend and we talk about our future together. The next minute his is angry and hateful, and he hides away from me, telling me I put him through too much stress and I'm selfish. I can't really put into words how much time and energy and love and understanding I have put into a relationship with this boy. I consider myself very reasonable and in time with my emotions, and sometimes I feel like reasoning with him is impossible when he thinks he is right or when he is angry about something so minuscule.

Now he is acting very distant. He says I make him so angry because I've been crying a lot and been feeling broken up about our relationship. I feel like he doesn't love me and no matter how badly he treats me he doesn't feel remorse anymore and he doesn't think my concerns are valid, even when I present them in a very loving and understanding way. No matter what the problem in the relationship he will always turn it around and blame me. He even will yell at me for crying, telling me I'm just doing it to make him mad and that I should have a better control of my emotions and that I don't have a right to feel sad.

A lot of the characteristics of people with BPD look like him. But does him breaking up with me constantly also fit? What about him calling me needy and wanting space from me? I need help because I'm so drained and I should leave but I love him too much and would do anything for him to be happy. Recently he has been saying that he is not sure if I'm what he wants anymore and that the way I conduct myself is disagreeable. He maintains that he still loves me, and the strange thing is the other night he told me he is afraid that I don't love him anymore and when I try to talk to him about it he shuts down and gets angry and says he doesn't want to talk about it. Is he pushing me away and being so cold because he is afraid I will tell him I don't love him anymore and recognize the abuse and leave? I know BPD people are usually afraid of abandonment. I just don't know. Please help.</sup>

[JQ]

Hello ElisK  

i see that you've only posted 2 notes before so welcome to the group. Here you'll find people who have been or are in your shoes, felt what you're feeling, and hurt as you do. You'll find no judgement here, only friends that will listen, some guidance, and help when you want it. KNOW THAT WHAT EVER YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO IT DOESN'T MATTER when it comes to BPD world. NOTHING has & NOTHING will ever make since to you or any of us in the BPD world. They have at times the behavior of a 3 yr old toddler.  If you ever get the chance, spend some time with a 3 year old and try to make since of their logic, or what they say.

With that being said, because you're relatively new to this world of the BPD I would encourage you to dive into this new world & learn all that you can. There are some great references on this sight with links to the right ===>  AND ON THE TOP LINKS along with books, "Stop Walking On EggShells", "I love you, I hate you, Don't leave me" & "The Human Magnet Syndrome" all of them you should be able to find at your local library.

YOU should learn the 3 C's of BPD. YOU didn't CAUSE it!  YOU can't CONROL it!   YOU can't CURE it! Write it on stickies, put them on the bathroom mirror, the kitchen fridge to remind you constantly.  LEARN IT! KNOW IT! LIVE IT!   As I said, this is a learned behavior long before you showed up that they learned to survive something in their childhood that you have nothing to do with. I had my first encounter with my 1st exBPDgf about 22 as well ... .I didn't know what it was then ... .I just thought she was BATSH!T CRAZY.  . In fact I didn't know what it was until 28 years later when my 2nd exBPDgf entered the picture. She wanted to know why she was behaving the way she was with her girls, her ex-husband, etc & I told her that I thought she might be bi-polar & went to her therapist and told him. He said your BPD, why he waited to tell her is beyond me. SO, I dove head first into this world which has caused me to learn a lot not only about BPDs behavior illness, but I've had to look inward, introspection as to why I was attracted to her & my behavior. I've since learned that i was and am to a certain degree a codependent which isn't all bad in itself ... .we tend to sacrifice ourselves much like you do to the point of being unhealthy both mentally & physically.

I've learned that my 2nd exBPD gf has been going to therapy for decades for this & evidence suggest she'll need to go for quite possibly the rest of her life to have some sort of a "normal" life, but it never will be completely. I've learned as you have that BPD starts to express or show their behavior starting in their late teens to early 20's & the ride begins. You'll have to learn a whole new vocabulary like projection, validation, triangulation, painted black & white, push / pull behavior just to mention a few. Some of which you've already experiences. The girls he's dated to forget you is part of the triangulation. The computer issue blaming you is projection, he blamed it on you because you failed to secure the bag. He blamed you on his depression, again projection for his issues, failing to take responsibility for his actions or his behaviors. The part about his controlling how you spend money or controlling anything else in your life is very much a part of BPD. My exBPDgf #2 has admitted to me that she is or needs to be very controlling of the situations or she tends to gets frustrated, which leads to anxiety, which leads to raging & nothing good comes after that. It can be money, it can be grocery shopping, it can be how to put gas in a car it doesn't matter what it is.

They are EXTREMELY afraid of abandonment whether it's real or not. They are EXTREMELY afraid of engulfment because in part because they lose control, intimacy fears and a few other reasons. So they become distant when you confront them so the aspect of validation comes into play. You'll need to learn about setting & maintaining boundaries. Evidence suggest that they actually need & crave this structor of boundaries because they didn't have it or don't have it in their life. I started out with something simple like when exBPDgf would hang up on me in the middle of a phone conversation because she was upset about what I was talking about. So once I learned about boundaries I told her in a very calm voice "I don't like you hanging up on my during our calls, it's not nice & disrespectful. I won't have you disrespect me.". She told me she understood and it's not been a problem since. Then I set another boundary, then another. Start small, baby steps, don't expect them to be set hard & fast but might need to be worked more then once.

I've lost track how many times my exBPDgf broke up with me. I'm currently painted black with shades of grey as she paints her current bf who is white a little more black. She has told me she is not getting what she needs from this relationship & know it needs to end but she had to realize it on her terms and time. So in the process, I get more calls, and she opens up more details in her life then she has in almost a year. Any of this Sound familiar? So I've been learning all I can about BPD, myself & if I want a life, future wit her & her BPD behavior for the rest of my life.

In your last sentence you have learned that he is pushing you away for his fear of abandonment, do to others before they do to you. It's nothing you say or did or will say or will do, this is his thought process and their is nothing you can do. The 3 C's remember? Again I encourage you to read all that you can, learn it, know it, live it. You are starting out young ... .and as I said this is a life long behavior issue that will take professional therapy for him and you if you decide to stay. Relationships with someone who has BPD will test your limits like never before. It will take a toll on your heart, soul, physical & mental health and possibly finances ... .if you stay. Either way ... .no one here will judge you...

We are here to offer our help, a friendly ear to listen and virtual hug   when needed. come back as often as you want or needed.  

JQ

[Wall bike]

My heart bleeds for you ElisK.  I too am a newbie and have spent 5-6 hours a day researching this topic as I too thought I was going mad.  I got professional counseling for the rollercoaster of emotions that lead to moderate depression.

This is a very serious disorder, whether he is BPD or just has strong traits.  You are so very young and this is so painful. I would say seriously consider whether you need this stress in your life.  It doesn't get easier.  I have a great deal invested in my situation but can admit BPD has won and I must love myself enough to say goodbye.  Good Luck - love doesn't have to hurt.

[JQ]

My heart bleeds for you ElisK.  I too am a newbie and have spent 5-6 hours a day researching this topic as I too thought I was going mad.  I got professional counseling for the rollercoaster of emotions that lead to moderate depression.

This is a very serious disorder, whether he is BPD or just has strong traits.  You are so very young and this is so painful. I would say seriously consider whether you need this stress in your life.  It doesn't get easier.  I have a great deal invested in my situation but can admit BPD has won and I must love myself enough to say goodbye.  Good Luck - love doesn't have to hurt.

Saturated,

I've been where you & Elise have been and your correct, it doesn't get easier. From all my research that I've done, the counselors that I've talked to BPD is a lifelong behavioral issue. My exBPDgf has told me like others I've read in the forums, "You don't deserve me or this and are better off without me".  "You didn't sign up for this" among a host of others. That's during her moments of feeling a huge amount of guilt after what I call a meltdown or a rage.

The other point you make is spot on as well ... ."I must love myself enough to say goodbye", "love doesn't have to hurt".  No two people are alike however, from reading & learning about BPD they seem to read from the same BPD manual.  Those who love them are also different but feel, hurt, are sad for nearly the same reasons. the individuality comes from how each one reacts to therapy. Some have better success then others & some assembly of normalcy can be had but there will always be a lifetime of continuing validation, projection, etc. What we each have to decide is it enough to stay ... .or love yourself enough to let go. You will always love them ... .but there might come a time to say good bye as I did with my first exBPDgf.  Her intensity of raging, projection, etc. was just to much for me to spend the rest of my life with. As I was told once ... .there are 7,865,392,264 people in the world ... .just in case your ex is feeling irreplaceable ... .in other words there are other fish in the sea.

As I said, we all have to make the call either way ... .no judging here ... .just understating, caring, and a    or two.

JQ

[TheRealJongoBong]

Elisk, first off 

You will survive this, everyone does. You have also done the best thing which is to start learning about the issue.  One key to our relationships with the BP is the trauma bond, where the push-pull and recycling pulls us in deeper and deeper with our partners. We begin to hate and fear what they do but find ourselves wanting them more every time.  The longer this process goes on the harder it becomes to understand what we really are and want.

The exercises in the following link helped me to understand my relationship with my uBPD wife. 

www.healing-arts.org/healing_trauma_therapy/traumabonding-traumaticbonds.htm#therapeutic_protocol

The first few questions are directed toward building self esteem. The BPD relationship is very hard on us because it becomes difficult after a while to tell what's real and what isn't. By thinking about who we are and what we can do, we become more centered and more empowered. The later questions let us examine our real relationship with our partner, to see what we value in the relationship and balance that with what is harmful to us in the relationship.

It was very helpful for me to work through these steps. I found that a lot of the bad feelings I had about myself weren't true and that I was buying into the manipulative and deceitful things my wife was telling me. I also found that the loving image I was holding of my wife was hardly even true because it had become so distorted over the years by the insults, criticism, and accusations I had absorbed.

Working through the position you are in now is going to take time. Read a lot to understand yourself and your partner.

[JQ]

Elisk, 

Jongo is soo correct! YOU will survive this!    And you're trying to learn all that you can about BPD in order to improve your understanding of what you're going through ... .good on you     As Jongo says, it's going to take some time to work through this ... .every once in a while you might stumble ... .you might take a step or two backwards. We ALL have done that ... .it's part of the learning process, it's all part of the learning curve. You are going to do ok ... .YOU are going to be fine ... .close your eyes, take a deep breath ... .center yourself.

Be sure to take care of yourself during this time ... .you're probably not eating right. You're probably not sleeping well. Do what ever you do to relax ... .recharge your batteries with some me time. Hot tub, bubble bath, a glass or two of wine, some easy jazz ... .some chocolate cake      Get out & take a walk, ride a bike, enjoy mother nature before winter sets in. Go out with a friend to a movie ... .or whatever it is that you do. Oh and some chocolate cake! 

[ElisK]

My heart bleeds for you ElisK.  I too am a newbie and have spent 5-6 hours a day researching this topic as I too thought I was going mad.  I got professional counseling for the rollercoaster of emotions that lead to moderate depression.

This is a very serious disorder, whether he is BPD or just has strong traits.  You are so very young and this is so painful. I would say seriously consider whether you need this stress in your life.  It doesn't get easier.  I have a great deal invested in my situation but can admit BPD has won and I must love myself enough to say goodbye.  Good Luck - love doesn't have to hurt.

Our relationship is falling apart and all my family and friends keep telling me to cut him off but I love him so much. I'm happy that you have the strength to say goodbye, I'm trying to find that myself I think. I always give him chances but at some point I need to care for myself first, like you have chose to do. I just want to be with him so badly.

[ElisK]

Jongo is soo correct~! YOU will survive this~!    And you're trying to learn all that you can about BPD in order to improve your understanding of what you're going through ... .good on you     As Jongo says, it's going to take some time to work through this ... .every once in a while you might stumble ... .you might take a step or two backwards. We ALL have done that ... .it's part of the learning process, it's all part of the learning curve. You are going to do ok ... .YOU are going to be fine ... .close your eyes, take a deep breath ... .center yourself.

Be sure to take care of yourself during this time ... .you're probably not eating right. You're probably not sleeping well. Do what ever you do to relax ... .recharge your batteries with some me time. Hot tub, bubble bath, a glass or two of wine, some easy jazz ... .some chocolate cake     Get out & take a walk, ride a bike, enjoy mother nature before winter sets in. Go out with a friend to a movie ... .or whatever it is that you do. Oh and some chocolate cake~! 

Your support and advice means so much, thank you!

[ElisK]

Saturated,

I've been where you & Elise have been and your correct, it doesn't get easier. From all my research that I've done, the counselors that I've talked to BPD is a lifelong behavioral issue. My exBPDgf has told me like others I've read in the forums, "You don't deserve me or this and are better off without me".  "You didn't sign up for this" among a host of others. That's during her moments of feeling a huge amount of guilt after what I call a meltdown or a rage.

The other point you make is spot on as well ... ."I must love myself enough to say goodbye", "love doesn't have to hurt".  No two people are alike however, from reading & learning about BPD they seem to read from the same BPD manual.  Those who love them are also different but feel, hurt, are sad for nearly the same reasons. the individuality comes from how each one reacts to therapy. Some have better success then others & some assembly of normalcy can be had but there will always be a lifetime of continuing validation, projection, etc. What we each have to decide is it enough to stay ... .or love yourself enough to let go. You will always love them ... .but there might come a time to say good bye as I did with my first exBPDgf.  Her intensity of raging, projection, etc. was just to much for me to spend the rest of my life with. As I was told once ... .there are 7,865,392,264 people in the world ... .just in case your ex is feeling irreplaceable ... .in other words there are other fish in the sea.

As I said, we all have to make the call either way ... .no judging here ... .just understating, caring, and a    or two.

JQ

I have a bad habit of always looking on the bright side (maybe it's not that bad) and believing that if you work hard enough at something it will turn out in your favor. But with my soon to be ex, (I think he wants to break up with me for good) everything is always my fault not matter what I do to help him and he honestly believes I have treated him badly even though I am so even tempered and loving to him. 

[JQ]

I have a bad habit of always looking on the bright side (maybe it's not that bad) and believing that if you work hard enough at something it will turn out in your favor. But with my soon to be ex, (I think he wants to break up with me for good) everything is always my fault not matter what I do to help him and he honestly believes I have treated him badly even though I am so even tempered and loving to him.  [/quote]
Elis,

It certainly is NOT a bad habit to look at the bright side or the POSITIVE  side of things!  I like how you think!      I guess between my learned behavior & my military training I always look at the positive side of things regardless of what the subject is. I get hit by a old lady driving her car why I'm riding my bike last week ... .yeah I got hurt, the bike has some damage ... .but hey I'm still breathing & not in the hospital!     If you were to bring me a NON chocolate cake because you're nice ... .I mean it's NOT chocolate ... .BUT HEY IT'S A CAKE!   

ALWAYS WITH THE POSITIVE VIBES & ENERGY!