Having healthy friendships

[zachira]

One of the lifelong challenges I have after coming from an extended family with so many generations of people with BPD and strong narcissistic traits, is making friends and romantic relationships with the right kind of people. I have improved a great deal over the years in what kind of people I attract and keep in my life. For years, I had friendships that were not all that healthy, and did not feel worthy of the kind of people who were capable of reciprocal caring relationships and friendships. I certainly have some wonderful people in my life now, yet I am finding myself going through another phase of growth, and some people I am around are apparently not healthy choices.
This week I had this long phone call out of the blue from a long time friend. She has been very kind to me on many occasions and I have learned a lot from her. This phone call was just plain deranged and mean. She opened the phone call by telling me how she had done a project with a group of women and learned that none of the women in the group liked her. She told me that she and I are just alike, and then went on a long monologue about why my friends and family don't like me. She closed by saying maybe we should not get together anymore. I did not take too much of what she said personally while respectfully standing up for myself. I don't know what got into her. My suspicion is  that as I have grown as a person, she is uncomfortable with my seeing her more as an equal and wanting my ideas given equal respect. She thrives on being a spiritual counselor and often states she knows more than others, yet oftentimes is willing to admit she does not know things. I also think that since the pandemic, I have reached out to her more because she lives alone, and maybe we have gotten too close for her comfort level. When I reflect back on this friendship, I see how I often attract people who are looking to influence me, and I generally like constructive feedback. I think I have more work to do on making sure that friendships are reciprocal and nobody is out to save the other. I often envision myself saving others, and sometimes daydream about being able to do something incredible to save some of my more healthy friends who really know how to deal with the worst of times in very constructive ways.

[JNChell]

Very interesting post. I’ve thinned the herd, so to speak, over the years without really realizing what I was doing. I was involved with “friends” that only wanted me around for generosity. A driver, someone who bought the beer, etc. One that really comes to mind is a person that I played a lot of live music with. He’s the salesman of salesmen. A womanizer and manipulator. He gets his way any way he can. Through his endeavors, he employed his closest “friends”. He verbally abused and tried to control every one of us, without going into drawn out detail. He has used so many people and portrays himself as an altruist. I was roommates with him for quite a while. When I quit the band he was hostile about it. He didn’t act like a friend.  I didn’t know any better back then. I’ve since cut him out of my life and after not responding to him, he’s since left me alone.

I’ve lost other friends throughout this borderline/narcissist conundrum, but the ones that are left, are the ones that were always there. From childhood.

I’m sorry that your friend turned on you like that, but it’s good that you stood your ground. You’ve been through enough, my friend. You don’t need that crap anymore. It never hurts to take a personal inventory while we’re processing this stuff.

[zachira]

JNChell,
I feel understood by your response.I am sorry you had some people who didn't treat you right. I too tend to have my friends from childhood and have struggled more later on in making damaging choices for friends. Those of us who have grown up in abusive families and are able to recognize how we have been affected, seem to have a lifelong challenge to continue to differentiate ourselves from the families that raised us and to continue to learn how to have loving relationships with ourselves and others. I love to be around families in which everybody is loved and respected. My challenge is to not take so personally being mistreated by others as this is about who they are. How I have responded to being mistreated by this friend by not taking it so personally, is a big step for me.