Anyone actually over it?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm working so hard to get through it. I don't want to hate her or have my confidence and trust forever destroyed. I am making such good progress the last few weeks, but still such pain and still such a sense of regret for the things that didn't work while we were together.

Still such a need to talk to her

Can anyone give me a positive outcome in which they don't hurt anymore?

[Justbecause]

I'm working so hard to get through it. I don't want to hate her or have my confidence and trust forever destroyed. I am making such good progress the last few weeks, but still such pain and still such a sense of regret for the things that didn't work while we were together.

Still such a need to talk to her

Can anyone give me a positive outcome in which they don't hurt anymore?

[hope2727]

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I understand completely. I can't tell you it will never hurt. I can tell you that it will get easier with time. I still miss my pwBPD but in reality I miss who he pretended to be. I don't miss who he really was. ITs hard to accept but sometimes what we crave is the fantasy not the reality. The reality is much more toxic and destructive. I hope that you can take gentle care of yourself. Sometimes just being gentle with yourself helps with the healing. I get lots of rest, spend time alone, work on my home and my school work, see friends, play music, and generally just be kind to  myself.

[MeandThee29]

I don't think I'll ever fully recover, not matter what the future holds. I'm already better than I was a few months ago because of therapy, and that keeps me going. I still have deeply sad times, but I know how to keep them from rooting.

[hope2727]

You will be changed forever but you will grow and heal and learn. I will never recover who I was but I am a new and stronger person now. When the tears come I let them. They pass more quickly now. Yours will one day too.

[vanx]

Just because, second hope2727's advice about being gentle to yourself. With that in mind, I ask you to observe your first sentence. You've written this, but I want to ask you, have you taken the time to congratulate yourself on this? You should! If you don't want to hate her or have your trust destroyed, then this will not happen, because your intention will affect the outcome of these things. It is unpleasant to feel stuck with these feelings, but I think you have no need to worry about your future. You are on the path of change. That said, I do want to validate that I can relate to not being where you want to be 100%, and being bothered by you way you feel about things, but our minds tend to wrongly depict to us that aspects of our negative states will be permanent, but they are not. You are simply still healing.
I am deeply sorry that you are in pain. Easing your suffering is the #1 priority. Is there anything in your life right now that is helping you ease the suffering? I hope there is, but in case you cannot think of something right now, don't despair. Some of these suggestions may sound a little hokey, but I will share some things that help me in case they could help you.
1. Reward yourself with deep, slow, rich breaths.
2. Don't fight pain. Let it wash over you. It will pass.
3. At the end of your day, write down 2 or 3 things from the day you are grateful for, even if it was a friendly clerk at the grocery store or something like that. This can be helpful to shift your focus on the positive things in your life.

For what it's worth, I wish you a lot of relief ASAP. Hang in there.

Finally, I like your last question, and I want to offer a vision of a positive outcome, though I suspect it is a highly individual, personal thing, so this is only my depiction. The successful outcome is you've developed such a fulfilling love and respect for yourself that you accept that fully letting go of the dreams you had, letting go of the hurt is the kindest thing you can do for yourself, and you deserve that, and you know that rewarding relationships await you in the future. It took me about a year, and I certainly still have issues in my life and some issues slightly lingering about the relationship but I am pretty over it. Not terribly long ago I thought I couldn't live without her. Now I wish her well but have zero interest in contact with her.
I don't think it's all in our control though.  You're doing the best you can and it takes time to process things and get over hurt, particularly in these relationships, and many of us can attest! Be really good to yourself.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Justbecause, How long has it been since you parted ways?  The pain is normal.  I suggest you acknowledge the pain and let it pass through you.  Yes it gets a lot better.  I agree w/hope2727: be kind to yourself.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive for authenticity.  Take a long walk in the woods.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Justbecause]

I think her last message to me was May, once I found out she had in fact been cheating. She did so much to hide this from me, including recycling me while making accusations at our work place she claimed she had not done to try and get me sacked. She regretted this, but she did it. Before the last recycle, she had got engaged.

She ghosted me once I had dropped the complaint that would have led back to her, claiming she was overwhelmed with therapy for her PTSD and could not be in a relationship, I supported her completely. I knew something wasn't right, I had to find him on social media and ask him. I didnt find out they got engaged new year's Day until much later.

She got married last month. We were together 2 years.

I'm playing a lot of music and got in a band. I paint. I'm learning to surf (cold in the UK), I got a great job after the one she destroyed. I'm had therapy, it helped.

I truly thought I could help her work through her problems, and I committed to her. I loved her kids, and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. The stuff we shared during her therapy, addressing what had happened to her,it made me feel so close to her. She was engaged.

She is so happy, he did something I can't understand so quick. She wanted marriage very much, but surely it happens in time.

Thank you all so much for your support. This place has been a life saver. Love to all of you

[Ragnarok4]

I'm working so hard to get through it. I don't want to hate her or have my confidence and trust forever destroyed. I am making such good progress the last few weeks, but still such pain and still such a sense of regret for the things that didn't work while we were together.

Still such a need to talk to her

Can anyone give me a positive outcome in which they don't hurt anymore?

Your making great choices so stick with it. We all feel for your pain. Seems like you want closure which I'm sorry to say... .you most likely won't get it. Even if you do get a chance, would you really think you'll get the answers your looking for? Do you really think things can just go back the way they were?

That's probably the worse for all of us on these threads is that we would like a sense of closure but remember for them its all out of impulse. You will have moments of a "burp" during the times everything is going good. These are normal but tough moments that will make you stronger. Keep it up.

What were you doing/pursuing before this person came into the picture? Try focusing on that.

[tryingsome]

I don't want to ... .have my confidence and trust forever destroyed.

Still such a need to talk to her

Can anyone give me a positive outcome in which they don't hurt anymore?

It gets much better and much easier. Doing the hobbies you are enjoy are great. It helps enliven the soul. Keep doing those bits.
Will you ever have confidence and trust again? Yes, especially if you force it. If you go out into the world knowing it is okay to say NO. The more you say it the more confident you will be. It will be different than the confidence you had before; it'll be deeper and more truthful. And the more you allow yourself to say NO, the more trust you build with yourself; the more you believe in you. And as that grows you begin to trust others in a way that is healthy and respectful.

If you put in the work, you won't hurt nearly as much because you'll see the relationship was nothing more than a damaged mirror reflecting your likeness. You'll be honest with that old view and it won't hurt as much. It starts with being able to say NO to people.

[Justbecause]

It gets much better and much easier. Doing the hobbies you are enjoy are great. It helps enliven the soul. Keep doing those bits.
Will you ever have confidence and trust again? Yes, especially if you force it. If you go out into the world knowing it is okay to say NO. The more you say it the more confident you will be. It will be different than the confidence you had before; it'll be deeper and more truthful. And the more you allow yourself to say NO, the more trust you build with yourself; the more you believe in you. And as that grows you begin to trust others in a way that is healthy and respectful.

If you put in the work, you won't hurt nearly as much because you'll see the relationship was nothing more than a damaged mirror reflecting your likeness. You'll be honest with that old view and it won't hurt as much. It starts with being able to say NO to people.

There is so much truth to that, I feel the strength in that and it's relevance to me. I always struggle to say no

[40days_in_desert]

After two and a half years for me, I can say it does get easier. I could go into detail about my progress but everyone processes grief a little different so I won't. I will say that I had to be intentional about moving forward in the beginning and over time it became more natural. I was with my BPD for 17 years and have five children with her.
Like Lucky Jim said, the pain is normal. Don't be afraid to feel it. Just make sure you have a support system to help you not get stuck there.

[Lost-love-mind]

If you put in the work, you won't hurt nearly as much because you'll see the relationship was nothing more than a damaged mirror reflecting your likeness. You'll be honest with that old view and it won't hurt as much. It starts with being able to say NO to people.

Not only say NO to people, but not be afraid to be honest in your mind when the red flags start waving at you.
No elaboration needed.

[Sunfl0wer]

It has been maybe three years now? Yes, definately I am doing way better.  Initially the first year was feeling like torture.  It took a long time for my heart to feel aligned with my mind.  In my mind, I knew we could not be together but my heart still held the dreams I had hoped for us, our kids, with our merged families.

I have started dating, finally after three years and am actually enjoying exploring this side of me and moving forward able to care for myself and other people.  I thought my attachment to him would keep my vision for another man... .well... .I thought my memories of what we almost had would interfere with my ability to be open for another relationship.  Apparently I am finding my way.

(I have really worked hard in therapy though too as that relationship did reveal some early childhood wounds that felt unbearable.  I am still in therapy.)

[Bo123]

A "normal" break-up is usually painful, add in a BPD person to the circus of pain and confusion and it's a wild ride.  I disagree that most well adjusted people get over it, if you take relationships seriously and are mentally healthy, it's like a major operation.  You wont forget about that triple by-pass surgery either.  That doesn't mean it will ruin your life, a major interruption yes but you find new ways to think about and compartmentalize it and its normal to feel sad over any time, even 10 or 20 years later, but it will be a passing moment.  The deeper a person is and the more they cared, the more it hurts and the longer it takes, all normal.  Letting go of it making sense is a tough one most of us deal with, but once you get mostly past that, the skies start to clear.  I wish you the best of luck.

[Lost-love-mind]

A "normal" break-up is usually painful, add in a BPD person to the circus of pain and confusion and it's a wild ride.  I disagree that most well adjusted people get over it, if you take relationships seriously and are mentally healthy, it's like a major operation.  You wont forget about that triple by-pass surgery either.  That doesn't mean it will ruin your life, a major interruption yes but you find new ways to think about and compartmentalize it and its normal to feel sad over any time, even 10 or 20 years later, but it will be a passing moment.  The deeper a person is and the more they cared, the more it hurts and the longer it takes, all normal.  Letting go of it making sense is a tough one most of us deal with, but once you get mostly past that, the skies start to clear.  I wish you the best of luck.

And there is no time element formula (e.g. 2 mos r/s =1 mos to get over it) as suggested on the internet and even some on this forum.
I'm 6 mos.out from a meesly 2 mos r/s with a beautiful exBPD. My heart was broken. Never cared about all this alphabet soup of psychology pwBPD and npd.
Now I have experienced it and education by fire. Taking a break from dating and looking to be wiser and move slowly.