She was my first relationship, so confused on what to do next

[Jucab]

Hello all

First of all, I'm very thankful for this forum and the support I have received reading different topics.

One month ago my exPBD broke with me. I'm living in Italy since one year ago, it has been an incredible experience.  I'm 33 years old, and because my family history (had to take care of my father after my mothers death) I didn't get too much experience with relationships with a SP.

On may I started chatting with an italian girl on Tinder and we hit it off very quickly. She told me she was misdiagnosed by a psychiatrist with BPD (looking back she has it for sure) and very quickly told me how hard her infancy was (absent parents and sexual abuse). The beginning was incredible: she told me I was perfect, that she saw that we were very similar and that she couldn't understand how other girls let me go. I found a person with a connection that ran so deep that I fell in love very quickly and deeply. I never felt so happy in my life.

She wanted to see me all the time (and so did I), so I spent most of my days at her apt (it was a 2 hours trip to get to her but I didn't care). I tried to please her and support her on her depressive moods (now I see how codependent I was) and always be there for her. We had some discussions, but I thought she was "the one". She even started looking for job abroad and asked me to come with her (I said yes but at the end she found a job in her city). She started to make future plan with me and I felt so grateful and privileged, as I never experienced this before.

So one day, around the second half of august, she invited me and my cats to spend one week with her. One day I wanted to stay at house because we always did things and I'm introverted, so I need some time for myself to recharge,,,she didn't take it good and I said that maybe "I couldn't offer the levels of energy she needs" but at the end we hugged and we agreed to work on the relationship because we loved each other. I felt very tired this period of time and drained, but I always tried to be there for her.

I must mention that on these times I said to her that I was very sad because one of my dearest friends here was going back to his country. Also there where some strange things, like how she admitted she had not a sense of self, her low self esteem, how she was in contact with most of her exes, how many short lived relationships she had (30+), her change in likes and hobbies (maybe was her mirroring of others what made her change?), her past with hipersexuality, her financial dependance on her parents,, her deep states of sadness, and so many things that made me realize she had full blown BPD. But I didn't care as she was on psychological and psychiatric therapy (not sure if DBT) and I had faith in our relationship.

Then, after spending a week with her at her house, I came back to my place. The next day I got "the call"...  basically she told me that the week I spent away from her made her realize that our levels of energy were too different, that I lacked basic SO skills (like cooking good, not having an european driving licence so I could drive, the fact that I was studying a master degree -I also work-, the fact that I didn't take care of myself) and, even if I was independent, she couldn't just let me be like that because she cared for me. She told me that she didn't want to think "for two persons". She told me that I had to experience my "own way" and she her own. And after that maybe something could be constructed. She told me "lets take some time apart".

I asked her, without pleading or begging, to give me a second chance, that I loved her and that I tought that those things were easily solvable. She said that if we went together it would be a disfunctional relationship so at the end she didn't agree to try again at that moment.

This week I will reach my first month of no contact. I have been focusing on myself with therapy, yoga, exercise and friends but this pain that I feel is the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I'm exhausted of feeling like this.

Guys, I trust this community so much. I'm confused and I don't know what I really want. My heart wants to be with her and hopes she would contact me in the future. My brain says that if we come back this cicle of devaluation would repeat itself and that would leave me on an even deeper level of sadness.

If I want her to come back should I try to rekindle the relationship after some time pass (like 3 months?) and message her or just keep No contact and let her come to me?

How do you see my situation?

From the very deep of myself thanks so much

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You describe a very classic relationship situation with a BPD partner. In the beginning, it is fabulous, better than anything you could ever imagine. But as time passes, small issues suddenly loom large and often the relationship ends, with the emotionally healthy partner heartbroken and wondering what happened.

Her long history of failed romances, her lack of empathy for you, her criticisms of you, the tragic story of her childhood, the BPD diagnosis, all point to exactly what you experienced—a woman with rapidly changing feelings who could not be relied upon for a deeper emotional connection.

Is it possible that she will come back? Maybe. But with a 30+ resume of former lovers, it’s likely that she will be onto the next new one, where the initial limerence remains fresh.

Your heart wants something that she may not be capable of. Sadly, your head is a more reliable guide.

[Jucab]

Thanks a lot Cat, deep down I know you are right. I made her my world and now I regret it.

Today I'm going to my first encounter with Codependants Anonymus,,, I just want to feel good again,,, do you now how long usually takes to regain control of your life? I was "lucky" this was only a 4 month relationship

[Cat Familiar]

Today I'm going to my first encounter with Codependants Anonymus,,, I just want to feel good again,,, do you now how long usually takes to regain control of your life? I was "lucky" this was only a 4 month relationship

Excellent choice!   

It’s difficult to predict the healing from a relationship like this. On a positive note, you will be a much healthier person and less likely to attract a dysfunctional partner. And from what you’ve learned from this relationship, you will more readily see any possible  at an earlier point and be able to extract yourself before the relationship inflicts much damage upon you.