Very new development

[Husband2014]

So I’ve been posting here for the last 2 years and went from “bettering the relationship” to “thinking of divorce” and even went as far as hiring a lawyer as my wife had a total collapse last January and it’s been a miserable year.

Recently things have changed drastically and I’m really conflicted on how to process all this.

I have been drawing boundaries all year and we pretty much haven’t talked outside 3-4 months and I kinda just gave up and prepared myself for the end.

Fast forward to Friday last week. My wife has a huge trigger around my sister (and I mean the ugliest type of stuff you can imagine) and I have been slowly getting the courage to FaceTime her so my son can talk to his cousin. Of course she asks my son daily who he talks to daily and MELTED DOWN and literally cornered my son saying he will NEVER talk to my family and just being nasty in front of a 6 year old. I pulled my phone and told her I’m recording this and sending it to the therapist we have been working with on and off for 5 years. She proceeded to attack me on video, smashed my phone and it was all “caught on tape”. I barely escaped the house with totally ripped skin and bleeding finger and went to the lawyers office unannounced and she told me basically I could have her in jail and end it right there.

On my way out her sister who o never call (because my wife says she doesn’t get along with her called me) and was trying to see what’s going on as my wife called her frantic (after she cslled me and texted me like 50 times). I finally answered when I went to a safe place and basically said 1) she needs to be on a flight to see the therapist (we moved states) and 2) I’m spending the night with the kids tonight

Fast forward 4 hours she spent 4 days with the therapist  alone and of course I’m not privy to what happened but I can see the bill and she has done almost 6-8 hours a day of therapy.  I’m almost sure she got diagnosed and was told she needs to do DBT. The therapist who has always been very pessimistic about my wife recovering said she’s very hopeful she will comittot to it. She said Friday she really scared her self.

Of course that brings me to our relationship in general and what’s to become of it.  We finally talked this morning on the phone (mediated) and we both had a list of things we wanted, etc… but her demands are giving me the feeling like I’m being used to pay her therapy then divorce me.

She wants me out of the bedroom, she will only talk to me via email for a while (no clue how long) and wants to cut off my
Whole family to start becusee she has to “focus on herself”.  She did however apologize (which NEVER happens) and even threw a couple of thank yous which also never happens.

She did strongly commit to therapy as well and said she only wants to focus on herself now.

I can understand her needing time as getting hit with this kind of diagnosis will rattle you. She had proven when not direguakted is capable of moving mountains.

What I am working on myself is I was so checked out and hopeless and wonder how much patience with this new living arrangement I should have and should I get my hopes up? 

I don’t regret not going to the police because that’s still a very nasty affair.  Is there hope? She’s about to turn 37 in June.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hey Husband.  A few questions before I can chime in:

1) Is your wife still living with you at home?  This is a little confusing since you mentioned that you haven't talked in 3-4 months.  You later said she wants you out of the bedroom and these two things seem to conflict each other.

2) What outcome do you want out of all this?  You mentioned what your wife wants, but what you want is the most important thing to focus on right now.

3) After having multiple BPDs in my life, I can tell you that there's stages of recovery...just like there is for an alcoholic.  Realizing that there's a mental health issue is a big step and taking therapy seriously is another one.  But talking to a therapist isn't the same thing as putting in the work and actually changing- those are two very different things.  While these alone are great starts, it could be months or years of commitment before progress is made. 

Are you prepared to wait for that?

[Husband2014]

We have been living in the same house but she asked for a few days in a hotel before she transitions back since she left.

Obviously if she takes treatment seriously and gets better id love continue the marriage and be happy for a change

I really have no idea what to expect. I feel like she's taking this very very seriously but not to keep the marriage mainly
For the kids and thus the confusion.

[kells76]

Hey, thanks for the update. I'm glad you're able to be with the kids.

Couple of questions/comments about the current situation:

In terms of your W's desire that you two only communicate via email right now, that actually sounds like it could help turn down the temperature and keep things focused. If you can find a way to agree with her that that is a wise choice, that can build a tiny bit of common ground.

Am I reading correctly that you are at home with the kids, and she is staying... somewhere near the therapist?

In terms of her demand about cutting off contact with your family, is she saying that she is going to do that, or is she demanding that you do that?

Is the T willing to work with both of you during this crisis/separation? Does the T have experience with therapeutic separations?

And how are your kids doing?

This is really difficult stuff -- keep us posted.

kells76

[Husband2014]

Yes, I very reluctantly agreed to it for now but I trust this therapist a lot so I am biting the bullet and doing it for now.

Yes therapist has been great. Funny thing is wife was supposed ti stay at a hotel Wednesday through Saturday but she stayed at home right away. We’re in separate rooms but talking a lot more than before even the nastiness happened. I also know she’s been talking to the therapist daily since she came back and she’s been the calmest I’ve ever seen her.  It’s actually really nice we are sitting next to each other and I’m not on edge she will explode about a kid falling or I’m enjoying a game or any of the stuff she pulls.  She also committed to therapy and I saw a DBT book in her bag back so I know she got the message pretty hard from the therapist.

Kids are good. They haven’t mentioned anything they saw again thankfully so hope it stay like that.

Regarding my family it was actually not bad. She used to rant non stop about my family and she just said she won’t deal with them (at least for now) but I told her and the therapist is non negotiable I will have access to them as well as the kids and she agreed.


Interestingly enough I was reviewing some insurance records today and since she falls under my insurance I can see what meds she’s prescribed and about 2.5 months ago she was prescribed Zoloft but she never picked it up.  I intend to tell the therapist that just to make sure she’s aware.  That was actually a pleasant development.

Obviously I want to keep my marriage intact if I can I just want to talk through this with a community who understands this roller coaster.

[Outdorenthusiast]

There are a lot of good people on this thread, definitely getting into therapy and her recognizing that it isn’t all you is a good start.  I am two years into weekly therapy with her having DBT and EMDR.   The explosions are rare, suicide attempts are gone, stalking is gone, but the emotional fragility and fear of abandonment is still very real.

One key point I wanted to triangulate on… 

“her demands are giving me the feeling like I’m being used to pay her therapy then divorce me.”.   

I struggled with this thought too.  What helped me mentally get over that hurdle - your kids need their mom.  They will have her their whole life whether you are married to her or not.  Her therapy is an investment for your kids.  Whatever is fair and you can afford - pay it for your kids and from a place of love instead of resentment.  Your soul will thank you for that subtle  difference.

Also if there are enough pieces to still love, therapy is still far cheaper than giving up half your time with your kids, and half your assets.  Don’t accept abuse - but don’t be afraid to sit in the uncomfortable for a while until things become clear.

[Husband2014]

Outdor - that’s exactly what I told myself. No matter what happens she will always be the kids mom and if not with me it will be someone else and her being stable in any environment is a +.  I literally could have had her deported from the country and didn’t because that would have impacted the kids even if I “won”. 

I don’t mind any fear of abandonment. It’s the raging fits that I can’t handle especially in front of the kids is my redline.

She’s been in therapy 9 of the last 10 days and her therapist told
Me word for word “she really scared herself” this round.

[SaltyDawg]

I agree completely.  I've been able to shine a spotlight on her bad behaviors, and she is by all accounts much better in this respect, she went from having rages nearly every day, to once or twice a month, with an occasional month between without.  However, like OE has observed, the emotional fragility (mood swings) are still there in mine too.  Trying to work on that; however, I am getting a lot of pushback from the couple's therapist on this. 

My boundaries are all based on "all abuse must stop" - the physical abuse has stopped, the verbal rages have been dramatically reduced, however, other forms of emotional and psychological abuse are still present, at a reduced rate; however, it is still very impactful.

My children are beginning to thrive, and with a lot of careful planning, and an excessive amount of support from me (I know most of her triggers and I headed off each one of them well in advance) my wife has managed to navigate Christmas without blowing up.

My children, one is almost out of the house, in about 1.5 years she will be, and my son will be out in about 6.5 years - I've been together with my wife for 23 years, almost to the day, what's another 7 years, now that I have tools to manage her somewhat.

I have good insurance, so all of the co-pays I consider a comparatively small investment in having a sane as possible life, and it is an investment in her for our children, and possibly an investment in us too - only time will tell.  In my opinion, the benefits outweigh the risks, and the financial loss, if we were to divorce today - she has a girlfriend who is going through a nasty divorce with a uNPD-stbxh and sees first hand what it looks like if she goes down that road with me.  Like you, OE, I would also be giving up half my time with the children in addition to financial resources, and if she was not managed with boundaries, it would be unbearable for my children.

If you have more questions, please feel free to ask, we are here to listen to you and support you emotionally.

Take care with self-care.

SD