Desperate and hurt

[M_Morin]

I've been in an eight-year relationship with a man I love very much. Or road has been rocky, to say the least. We've broken up several times and reconciled; the last time we were apart for a full year, during which time my boyfriend had a relationship with another woman. Most recently, last night (Christmas. Ugh) I left his house after a heated argument and drove to my home an hour away. I didn't want things to escalate further. I sent him a text today after I had cooled down, "owning up" to my part in the conflict and validating the feelings that were probably behind his being upset with me for not using the lightswitches properly before going downstairs. He insists that the issue is my safety, but feels more like control and harsh criticism. I had been trying SO hard to rememebr to turn on the lights each time before going downstairs, and had been congratulating myself for doing so well, except for once when I forgot. Unfortunately, in this relationship there are NO points for trying or good intentions, and countless ways to screw up. My self-esteem takes a beating and my mental health has suffered. I don't have access to therapy, but am pretty well-read on BPD. I'm desperately in need of support, as my own grown children, whom I'm very close to, are sick of it and one won't talk to my boyfriend at all, as she's been the one to see the aftermath of our recurrent breakups. I can't talk to them at all, and have no friends in the area. Support would be so welcome! Thank you in advance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hello M_Morin and a warm welcome to the group 

Eight years is a significant amount of time in a relationship with a pwBPD. Were things this nit-picky and rocky at the start? Or did that increase over time?

I think we both know that the light switches aren't the core issue  but is that kind of the "flash point" for you two (i.e., when blowups happen, "it's about the light switches")? Or are there other areas of repeating conflict for you two? I hear that you have grown children, so I'm guessing that parenting/kid issues aren't a hot topic, but maybe finances are, or something else?

And has he ever gotten physically violent or controlling with you?

It's great to hear you've read up on BPD. A lot of members here have found the books Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and The High Conflict Couple to be helpful. Which books have you found the most helpful so far for navigating your relationship?

People stay in relationships with pwBPD for all kinds of reasons; pwBPD can have many admirable and lovable traits, just like anyone. It can be difficult to get support from others who don't understand BPD, so know that this is a group that "gets it".

As you settle in here, take a look at our section of articles on When a partner or spouse has Borderline Personality Disorder, and let us know your thoughts on that material.

Again, welcome --

kells76

[M_Morin]

Hi Kells76! Thank you so much for your reply. Honestly, it made me cry to hear that this is a group that "gets it." My boyfriend is extraordinary in the best ways, and we are best friends -- when things don't spiral out of control. He has never been physically abusive, but there have been scary episodes of road rage when I couldn't get him to just back off, his driving became erratic and aggressive, and it was downright dangerous and scary. He's gotten angry enough that he once slammed his fist down on a delicate antique dresser of mine. So, although I don't think he would ever hit or shove me, I am always cognizant that there is a possibility, however remote that things could get physical -- and my safety is paramount. I do not, though, feel unsafe around him in general. When I got upset once and told him how scared I was when he reacted to another aggressive driver, he understood and has gotten much better. I made it clear that I would have to drive OR not drive with him if he couldn't control his reaction. He seemed to take that seriously. As to the arguments itself (no, it is NOT about lightswitches! HA!), they seem to escalate quickly if I am defensive at all (even if defending my position makes sense given the unfairness of the accusation or criticizm). We are both *highly* sensitive, and both reactive. We both have a high "ACE" score; my childhood was emotionally neglectful / abusive, while he was severely physically (and emotionally) abused. Needless to say, this is one helluva volatile cocktail! Since learning about BPD, I have tried hard (and I do mean hard -- as in, DAMN it's hard!) to refrain from any defensive responses, to listen, to validate, etc. It's helping, but I'm still struggling. New habits and understandings take time to form and take hold. Christmas was awful, and I was afraid we'd go through another breakup -- maybe for the last time. But thankfully, it did not go that way. I sent a short, carefully worded text (a very well-considered *response* -- rather than reaction) and he thanked me for trying to understand. He has a much longer recovery time than mine; it almost always takes him a couple of days to calm down. We don't argue about finances or food or kids or everyday decisions typically. But he really can "go off" over just about nothing -- and that's the toughest thing for me. The lightswitch episode, from my perspective, was him choosing an awful time to complain; I had just learned that my mother, from whom I have been estranged for a few years, has advanced cancer and is in the hosital. There were acouple other high-stress things that happened at the same time. He brought up the lightswitch thing with "I just can't understand, after *eight years* you can't seem to use the right light switches! I just can't understand!" I took the "I can't understand" part at face value and tried to explain why it was difficult for me -- which resulted in his calling me defensive and, when things escalated, that I have "excuses for everything." Those are his most frequent refrains. I can get defensive, for sure; I'm working hard on that. But I hate the "excuses" thing. It reeks of blame; he has to externalize blame and it is pretty much always my fault. He called today and we had a truly productive conversation, in which he mentioned that he thinks he may have a "bit of" BPD (his sister is severe, as was his abusive father most likely) and was open to talking about DBT. This is *huge.* I'm framing it as my own journey (because it is) as I have PTSD (and so does he. Sheesh.) and from what I've learned, DBT should be helpful for me as well. I can only change my part of the dance, and regarless of the outcome of this relationship, *I* need to learn better communication skills. My parents were the poster children for emotional dysregulation; I didn't have good models, to put it mildly. I have been reading *ALL* the articles on this site, and find them enormously helpful! I will continue to do so. I would do anything to help this relationship; I love this man dearly and we are stupidly well-matched aside from the volitility. I read "Loving Someone with Borderline personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. Today, I received a copy of "The High Conflict Couple" and I'm kind of beside myself with gratitude right now....between finding this site and what I feel are, finally, the materials that make sense and *feel* like the right approach, I feel hope instead of frustration and despair. Thank you all for doing what you do. It means so much.