Exhausted and feeling like a failure

[MaggieMay1]

I'm so tired. Today I had a meeting at the school board office to prepare for my child's tribunal to see if they will be expelled for uttering threats in an online chat. Of course in the last few months there have been 2 suicide attempts, suspension from school, hospitalization and discharge and now I feel like I've hit a wall. I feel like a failure as a parent. Even though it isn't logical I find myself blaming myself, wondering what more I can do to help her heeheal.

Unfortunately,  my husband who is generally very supportive has also hit (a bigger wall) and is barely functioning as this brings back his mother's many suicide attempts throughout his childhood and her successful final attempt 12 years ago. At the time we were so tired that he barely grieved, he was just numb... .now its like he's grieving both of them. I feel like I have to be strong and support everyone but I'm just so weak feeling. I need a plave to express myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello MaggieMay1,

We are glad that you joined us. 

You are dealing with a lot in a condensed time span MaggieMay... .I can understand why you are so tired.  We've all had that feeling of failure... .what we tried hasn't worked, that we are lost and don't know what to do because it doesn't seem like anything is working.   

This is a safe place to express your thoughts and feelings MaggieMay.  We don't judge here... .we've been in dark and scary places and found help here to have better lives and help our kids.

I would like to understand your situation better so I  have some questions if it's  ok.?

How old is your daughter?  Do you live in the US?  Has she had any therapy yet or do you have a discharge plan with recommendations to follow up on?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbj

Are there other children in the home?

[MaggieMay1]

Thank you lbj,

I'm fine with questions. She is 15.  We live in Ontario, Canada and she has had counseling with some CBT, and a bit of DBT though no-one in the area is officially trained in DBT. We have a plan which involves her meeting weekly with a therapist, and monthly with a psychiatrist. We are also supposed to find her a psychologist who can meet with her weekly but it is proving a difficult thing to do. We have an 18 year old daughter as well.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again MaggieMay,

Thanks for answering some questions. 

15 is a really hard age for girls. Peer to peer support has a lot of energy in it and where their interests are.  Their friends have more influence than their parents (since about 12). Any options for such a group for your daughter?  When my daughter was 13 she went into a long term RTC. Their accountability program was called Positive Peer Culture, it was also practiced in daily group.  Very powerful in such a setting and still has an affect on my d, now 18 and out of RTC since 14.


The expulsion from school is the biggest concern for you right now?  In Canada, what options for alternative education do you have? 

How is your relationship with your daughter? 

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi MaggieMay,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to the site, and to give you a hug across the Internet    It's hard being a parent, and BPD is challenging, so to have both of these going on, plus a husband who is grieving his mother's suicide. This is a lot, and you feel like the net trying to catch everything.

My son had suicidal ideation as young as 8, and around the same time he stabbed a classmate with a pencil, right in the chest. Fortunately, it was winter and the other child was wearing a coat. The parents of that child were so wonderful, and the school handled things in a way that I can now see made things easier for everyone. I'm so grateful. To have the school hold a "tribunal" (sounds so intimidating) must make you and your daughter feel almost like a criminal.

I can see how something like that might trigger feelings about being a failure. They are our kids, and we feel they are an expression of us. We take it personally. It's hard to be resilient when we are exhausted, too. Are there things you can do to take care of yourself? There is a good thread here about what it means to practice self-care.

Do you have anything in your life right now that puts some wind in your sails?

I look forward to hearing more about how you're doing.

LnL