Simple divorce about to get complicated?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I recently left my spouse by escapinging to my family.

Summary: got married 6 months ago, i moved to her country(north african) from the uk. We got married in an islamic wedding in her country, her family is wealthy and took care of everything. Neither her or I had a job. I had very little miney and she told me to never spend it as my currency is stronger than hers and better to save it.

Besides, her family gave us everything we needed. Eventually i forget my bank info and pin and cant use it. I never asked for anything but was always given gifts and expensive things.

Since finding out my wife has BPD i have been planning to escape to my home country on my own money, the trip was disguised as a family visit. My faily know i am leaving her. I packed only my things i orginally brought to her country so i took no gifts that they gave me except a pair of shoes i needed and a phone which was a gift.

The reason i say this is because i want to know if i need to give this stuff back. I want to get rid of everything i got from there to cleanse myself of this toxic relationship, by throwing it away or giving it to charity.

Also i need to know if my marriage counts in my home country, since marriage my wife has never come here with or without me. Does it only count where we married? Do i need to get two divorces?

There seems to have always been a problem with my wife but i was never told about it before the wedding. Would it be possible to get an annilment.

I just want to live my life and forget this mess

Please help me.

[OmegaCard]

Hi,

I recently left my spouse by escapinging to my family.

Summary: got married 6 months ago, i moved to her country(north african) from the uk. We got married in an islamic wedding in her country, her family is wealthy and took care of everything. Neither her or I had a job. I had very little miney and she told me to never spend it as my currency is stronger than hers and better to save it.

Besides, her family gave us everything we needed. Eventually i forget my bank info and pin and cant use it. I never asked for anything but was always given gifts and expensive things.

Since finding out my wife has BPD i have been planning to escape to my home country on my own money, the trip was disguised as a family visit. My faily know i am leaving her. I packed only my things i orginally brought to her country so i took no gifts that they gave me except a pair of shoes i needed and a phone which was a gift.

The reason i say this is because i want to know if i need to give this stuff back. I want to get rid of everything i got from there to cleanse myself of this toxic relationship, by throwing it away or giving it to charity.

Also i need to know if my marriage counts in my home country, since marriage my wife has never come here with or without me. Does it only count where we married? Do i need to get two divorces?

There seems to have always been a problem with my wife but i was never told about it before the wedding. Would it be possible to get an annilment.

I just want to live my life and forget this mess

Please help me.

[ForeverDad]

We are here for peer support and are more than willing to share our experiences.  This may be more of a legal question and that probably requires the legal advice of a local solicitor who has dealt with international divorces.

I presume you met her in your country but married in hers?  Hard to say where the divorce should be handled.  Of course try to do it in the location least likely to cause long term complications.

Also, you need to ascertain the extent that national, cultural or religious differences could complicate things.  As much as we'd like divorce to be businesslike, these differences and her being disordered can inflame the emotions and so that aspect may be a bit unpredictable.

[livednlearned]

You are home in the UK? That's good news.

I wondered how things were going for you -- if you are back with your family, glad to hear. Hope you're doing ok. 

In the UK, look for an international lawyer who specializes in divorce and get a consultation. A retainer usually costs thousands, but if it works the way it does with domestic divorce cases, you should be able to consult with attorneys for a small fee, so you can look for someone you trust who knows what he or she is talking about. Talk to at least 3 lawyers if you can. There will probably be a lot of variety. With BPD, you want to find a lawyer you believe in, preferably who understands PD, but you might be asking for too much if you need specialities in international and BPD. Obviously, go with international expertise first!

So I'm not an attorney, and no one here is, but for what it's worth:

Usually you can file for divorce in either country, but there are some additional headaches, like how to serve your stbx when she's in another country. With some dedicated searching online, you can usually find that information, but you'll want to double check with an international lawyer.

Six months is often the magic period for an annulment. When you say six months, are you talking about six-ish, like 6+? You may be racing against the clock on an annulment. Sometimes annulments can be granted if there is a diagnosed mental illness that wasn't disclosed prior to the marriage, but again, it depends on where you file and the specifics to the country where your stbx is living.

Six months is also considered an extremely short marriage -- if I were you, I would hang onto all of the gifts. If your ex has a wealthy family and they go after you for the cost of the wedding (who knows, BPD is involved, you never know what might happen), then you have items to sell to help you offset the costs of being in court for ridiculous, spiteful reasons. Those items may be the only leverage you have.

In general, filing first is very advantageous. You are lucky to have the element of surprise on your side.

Hang in there. It's tough, but glad you're reaching out to people here, and have your family nearby. Might be helpful to see a therapist to help with the anxiety and stuff that tends to go with these kinds of divorces... .  

[OmegaCard]

Uh, the thought of searching for a lawyer is horrible. I just want this to end.

I did not keep any gifts as i needed to pack light. I cant see why they would want anything from me, all property and vehicles are in her name, everything is. And her family has enough wealthy. I have nothing and nothing in my name so cant be sued for anything of worth.

We are married 6 months not 7 or 5.

My life cant go on until this ends

[livednlearned]

Uh, the thought of searching for a lawyer is horrible. I just want this to end.

I did not keep any gifts as i needed to pack light. I cant see why they would want anything from me, all property and vehicles are in her name, everything is. And her family has enough wealthy. I have nothing and nothing in my name so cant be sued for anything of worth.

We are married 6 months not 7 or 5.

My life cant go on until this ends

Your best chance to end the marriage so you can move on is to get an L as quickly as you can. Filing first is considered highly advantageous -- if she files first, you may have to go back to her country and that could be a living nightmare. At least find out from a few lawyers what the basics are, where the risks are.

How long do you have before your wife expects you to return?

[OmegaCard]

Maybe another week or so.

I know what you mean but i have no money, i can afford a lawyer even if i need one

[theodore]

I think you need to live in an area for a specific amount of time before you can file in that area.  Otherwise, you need to file in the area that you last lived.  You should research this before filing.

[GaGrl]

My DH's first marriage was to a woman in another country.  The ceremony was Buddhist, and it was never registered in the amphur (local goverment office) so was never official.  They married in a civil ceremony when they returned to the U.S.

You might want to research the validity of marriage ceremonies in her country.

[ForeverDad]

Even if you can't afford to retain an attorney, you likely can get free or inexpensive consultations.  You won't know what your options are until you seek them out.  Perhaps your foreign office, state department or somesuch has some helpful information?

Do a web search such as "divorce in UK for foreign marriage".  I got several good results, here are just a couple.

www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/international.htm

insidedivorce.com/divorce-help/I-Married-Overseas-Can-I-Divorce-in-the-UK/

[Matt]

Good ideas from everyone, but this is a unique problem!

It may be possible to find all the information you need online, or from people at the court.  In the US, we can walk into the court and find someone to answer questions, and most of the information about divorce is posted online by each state and county.  I think it may be similar in the UK.

My life cant go on until this ends

I think you need to work on this aspect and find a different way to see it.

I can certainly understand how uncomfortable it is, when the marriage isn't legally over but it's over in other ways.  I was in that situation for about 20 months, and I hated it.

Still... .  you can be with your family and friends, you can study or work - other parts of your life can go on, and I think it's important to do all that, because the divorce may take time, and if you put everything else on hold, you will be super-frustrated when there are delays.  Even divorce in one country can take many months;  with two very different countries involved, it might take a long time.

[livednlearned]

Hey, OmegaCard,

I can tell you feel distraught, and just wanted to tell you that lots of us have felt that way at the same point you're in. It can feel overwhelming, but watch out for the anxiety -- it can be very self-sabotaging. There are the awful things your wife does, and then there are the awful things your mind is doing to you. You can turn this around, even if you feel you have no money. The Internet is incredibly helpful and you have a lot of friends here who are willing to help you with the strategizing. You have family and friends.  And importantly, you have some distance. The best thing to do is get a plan together and start chipping away at this. Otherwise it could get worse.

Someone in your family is suffering health issues, which is the excuse you used to get out of your wife's country? If you need to, tell your wife that your family needs you longer than a week. Stall. Every day, give yourself one task you need to accomplish, or one question you need answered. Find out if the marriage is legally binding in her country. Find out if there is legal aid to help you. Ask people you love if they can lend you money. Research what you can on the Internet. Call solicitors in the UK and ask them what your options are. Send an email to your wife and explain that you may have to stay longer than anticipated.

You can do this -- there are lots of people here who have been up against the same emotions, the same cornered trapped feeling. We're here to help guide you through this, but you need to get your head together and start believing that this is something you can solve.