how do I keep going on?

[mike sergent]

I am going to a shrink and on daily medications for depression, and anxiety. I have been talking to doctors and doing and reading self help books towards living with her. I try new things all aimed at working with her disease. She sees a therapist once a month and says that the therapist says she only suffers depression caused by me. I love her and we've been together for 25 years now but I'm not sure if I can put up with it any longer. Hell I'm 55 and all my nerves are shattered. I believe she is not truthful with her therapist like she lied to all the others and just blames me for everything. He thinks I'm a monster. I am now trying to love her and not be affected by her behavior and just love her hoping she'll calm down some because I don't believe she'll ever get the true help she needs. My shrink told me to get out when it gets too hot but now I'm gone alot and she just says, "run away little baby, run away" even when she knows why I'm leaving. I'm hanging on by a thread and have been for many years and I just don't know what to do anymore and no one will help. I don't know what to do, may God have mercy on my soul.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Mike,

I am sorry that you are going through this.   I understand how difficult it is coping with BPD behaviors. I have been struggled with depression and anxiety from coping with my bf's behaviors. It is really difficult when you are struggling with your own issues and trying to work on them while coping with your significant other's issues. It feels like a wound that never gets closed and constantly gets ripped open further.   

Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.  You mentioned reading many books on her issues, have you tried to focus on yourself? I have learned that when I started to finally focus on myself and my own wants and needs, I started to have less anxiety and depression. Acknowledging your own needs is a way to focus on yourself. You are important too and should treat yourself as such. 

Although we cannot change our pwBPD's behavior or thoughts, we can change our own behavior and thoughts. When we change our own behaviors, we can get different reactions and behaviors from those around us. Positive behaviors can influence the actions of our pwBPD. 

What things/BPD behaviors are you struggling with the most? 

[mike sergent]

Thank you so much... .kind words in a time of trouble is like honey to the ears.

[maxsterling]

Well, I feel for you.  I've been there.  I AM there.  I know the feeling of having everything and anything re-directed at me, and the hopeless feeling if there was some openness and honesty and logic, these problems would be solved.  In the end, I'm told it's about accepting the reality for what is, and make decisions based upon that.  And that is much, much easier said than done.

The reality?  Your wife has a serious mental illness.  You can't control that.  And unfortunately, that illness means she takes stuff out on you.  It's part of the disease.  I don't know how many times I have thought "if I could only get her to understand this or that, or stop doing this or that, we would make progress."   

Just remember, you do have control over yourself.  You do have options.  I'm in the very thick of it right now - and I'm just doing my best to stay afloat and take care of me.

[mike sergent]

This is what I can't get over. I look for logic when I know there is none. I try to make her see some of the logic and it gets redirected at me, "it's you" that just gives her fuel for the fire and I like you am trying to just stay afloat. I have the habit of looking at her and saying to myself, "shes sick and this is her illness speaking  and that's all." is this bad? But still I can't take it and feel as if I'm at the end of my rope almost always.

[maxsterling]

This is what I can't get over. I look for logic when I know there is none. I try to make her see some of the logic and it gets redirected at me, "it's you" that just gives her fuel for the fire and I like you am trying to just stay afloat. I have the habit of looking at her and saying to myself, "shes sick and this is her illness speaking  and that's all." is this bad? But still I can't take it and feel as if I'm at the end of my rope almost always.

Boy, I know the feeling.  Right now, she's mad at me for calling the police on her last week.  Why did I call police?  Well, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN SOMEONE IS COMMITING A CRIME.  She does not really dismiss that she was screaming and yelling and hitting and threatening.  Yes still wants me to apologize for calling police?  If the situation were reversed, I sure would hope she would call police on me... .wouldn't she?

That's the logic that escapes me.   It's so plain as day.  Or when she blames me for us for having no money, when I am the only one able to keep a job.

All I can suggest is find ways to have time to yourself, and cool off.  The day in/day out of dealing with this wears one out. 

[EaglesJuju]

This is what I can't get over. I look for logic when I know there is none. I try to make her see some of the logic and it gets redirected at me, "it's you" that just gives her fuel for the fire and I like you am trying to just stay afloat. I have the habit of looking at her and saying to myself, "shes sick and this is her illness speaking  and that's all." is this bad? But still I can't take it and feel as if I'm at the end of my rope almost always.

Thinking of your pwBPD as non-disordered with logical and rational thinking can lead to frustration, anger, anxiety, and hopelessness. It is really tough to try to rationalize illogical thoughts and behavior, it can drive you bananas. Becoming familiar with the behaviors and understanding why pwBPD behave in certain ways helps with this.  It is a way of learning how to depersonalize the behaviors, when the behaviors seem to be very personal. Actually, the origin of a pwBPD's behaviors have truly nothing to do with you. 

I have said things to myself about my bf that are similar, such as do logical/rational people get upset and yell over innocuous things like breaking a glass or do they rage when you are watching a movie with an attractive actress or actor?  People who behave this way have problems controlling their intense emotions, so they engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms. Also, the illogical and irrationality is due to distorted thinking.