Hi
joy is the most vulnerable and therefore scary feeling
Just like hope. I do value your insight Lnl.
I don’t felt guilty about my joy when it comes. To be honest, there was so little of it for so many years. This isn’t a pity party by the way! I do feel a pang of guilt when I talk about me and my husbands future. FOG descends at the thought of son28 being here on his own.
Do you wonder if thinking something will never be this or always be that is how we take a break from the uncertainty? It feels better to know how things are going to turn out than not, even though we never really know anything.
Yes it does feel better to know. It’s all about having a sense of stability. For me, my formative years were permanently unstable so I’ve tended to seek solid ground. When we know better, we do better. I can be impetuous and I’m aware of this now, not so in my younger days.
I know I don’t know what the future holds but at the same time I can predict If son keeps doing the same, he therefore gets the same. He digs himself into a hole and is learning... slowly... how he can get himself out. A cycle. Like your daughter it’s never-ending.
I’m so grateful for this forum and my learning. I’m detached because I’m not running around fixing things. My life is very much better than it was. Whilst I have little hope son will ever be happy or free of drugs, I’m finding a way to live my own life.
how did you respond LP
I told him I knew he’d been “wayward” but hadn’t realised the extent. This was the wrong word to use. Son28 went into a sort of defence mode, as if I hadn’t fully understood what he was saying to me. That I didn’t realise just how serious a situation he was getting himself. He was “self destructing”. I didn’t validate as I should have but did say we were there for him. If he needed us to listen we were there, if he needed advice all he had to go was ask. “We were walking beside him”. This shifted his thinking and he ended saying something like “I’ll get there in the end”.
We aren’t on the complete same song sheet. I want him free of any drugs. This is hypocritical because I drink alcohol to socialise and relax. Smoking a joint is no different. Son28 doesn’t want to be free of all drugs, just the ones he’s having a problem with at any particular time. He will most probably will always smoke skunk because that’s his root addiction. As the dugs counsellor and psychologist said years ago - that’s the elephant in the room.
It’s always in the
room.
All the symptoms of what he puts in his body are wrapped up in his behaviours, paranoia, anxiety, tiredness etc.
It’s tiresome. In fact, it’s boring. Nothing ever changes on this one point.
Son28 has done brilliantly. I’d hoped he’d be drug free. Wishing is for children.
After son18 leaves for Uni in 2 weeks, both H and I have big plans for the next 6 months. Son28 is obviously affected, including the jealousy. He’ll miss him and resents the new laptop we bought son18. Our focus is on ourselves and we don’t feel guilty about that, just sad I think.
We can’t change others. I can’t have an agenda for him. I can, however, make my son feel loved and understood. I’m writing this as a reminder.
What are you doing these days to self soothe, self care?]
Work in progress! I sat on my backside for a few weeks after finishing. I’ve felt overwhelmed at everything that needs doing. The first thing was to spend some quality time with H. It’s taken some work for us to reconnect but we are there now. I’d allowed distance to seep into our relationship. Other than that, most of what I do is half hearted. This isn’t like me. I’m trying to find myself a new rhythm I’m happy with. Oh, I’ve applied for a PT job too - one that I can easily do and is local.
I’m sorry it’s taken awhile to reply. I’m letting things slowly evolve and in my mind too.
Hugs
LP