What to do now

[Oncebitten]

Some days I feel like all I do is post here.  Ok so here's what has happened now... .my BPD gf has found out that I cheated on her the last time we broke up.  I told her everything after she asked... .she has talked to me for the last 2 days but can't get past the idea that I will never be the same in her eyes.  I have asked for a chance to ewrn her forgiveness but she goes back and forth on whether she can do that. She finally just asked me to leave.  She has abandonment and trust issues.  We have broken up several before and always gotten back together. Even after she cheated.  I know she still loves me.  So now what?  Do I leave her alone because thats what she asked for and hope I don't trigger the abandonment or do I keep trying to talk to her? I know normally NC is recommended to fix break ups.  But does that work here?  We have bee together for almost a year.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Confused2much]

Hi mate,

First, cheated after you broke up? That isn't possible.

Anyway, I have personal experience of this. My exBPD gf treated me badly and while we were in a state of breakup I kissed another girl. That was over 2 years ago and up until recently it was still apparently the reason why we never worked out. It's been two years of pure hell.

I told her that it was a drunken kiss and nothing more but do you think she was going to let it go? An opportunity to be the victim like this? Nope.

If I could turn back time, go back to the moment 6 months in when she first started to abuse me I'd cut the relationship dead there and relive the last 2 and a half years without her. I've given up my self respect and my dignity and essentially spent 2 years on my knees in front of this girl awaiting my final execution.

BUT - LivednLearned gave me a really useful piece of advice. If you show her a massive amount of guilt she will tap into it and utilise it. You need to regulate how much guilt you have over this. You weren't together, you were in a state of anguish no doubt and you made what was a mistake. Can you forgive yourself? If you can do it quick and make sure she is aware of it before she uses it as a stick to beat you with.

[Oncebitten]

I know technically you are right. That it shouldn't count as cheating since she broke up with me.  And I did express guilt over what I did.  I still love her and want her back.  She says she is done and wants to move on.  And yet she keeps taking my calls.  She has done this before when we have broken up.  Told me she is done and moving on and the asked me to take her back.  I know she loves me. And I know a lot of people will tell me to move on.  But thats not what I want which is why I posted in the saving a relationship section.  I am trying to fix this anyway possible.

[Confused2much]

I am trying to fix this anyway possible.

Yeah I hear you friend. I'm in the same boat. My ex and I are going through the same problems and I'm in the middle of an effort to save what we have but she just tells me that the arguing and me losing my temper has killed any chance of that.

I spoke to her last night and asked her "is this it? Is this the end for us" and she responded with "I don't know". I'm going to start looking at that as progress. She wanted nothing to do with me last week!

Anyway, that's me, this thread is about you and I know you want to save this relationship.

I'm no pro in the arena but I think it boils down to these girls feeling like that no matter how bad they make you feel you'll always be there to take a beating. They seem to enjoy being the victim and feeling like they are persecuted; its their comfort zone. As soon as they realise you aren't in that position, under their thumb, feeling desperate and hopeless they change there attitudes. Maybe tell her that you feel guilty and you're sorry you've upset her. You love her and you want to be with her and then step back. Get on with life, make it apparent that you aren't chasing after her and let her calm down and then approach you when she's ready?

[Oncebitten]

I told her I was sorry, told her I loved her.  She said she still loves me and continues to answer calls texts etc... .so that makes me think that she isn't done.  She has always said in the past anytime we broke up she needed me to walk away.   I haven't talked to her for a couple of days... .she did send me a text where she said she forgave me . I asked what she wanted from me and she said to wish her well and let her go.

In the past after a few days of NC she has always reached out in some fashion.  I know she needs some time to heal. Should I just leave her be and wait?

[Confused2much]

In the past after a few days of NC she has always reached out in some fashion.  I know she needs some time to heal. Should I just leave her be and wait?

Personally, I would. If she is taking calls and sending txt messages then I think she might be thinking you're going to be chasing after her which is exactly what she wants. Switch it up a bit. Go quiet. Concentrate on doing something you and enjoy and see what she does.

Its what I'm doing at the moment myself. Just playing it cool and giving her space.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Oncebitten, Have you considered that maybe you are barking up the wrong tree?  You're getting a lot of mixed signals, in my view, which one could view as a red flag.   

LuckyJim

[Meili]

In several of your posts, OB, you have mentioned needing a break to cool down. It sounds like this is the perfect opportunity for you to take that break.

She's asked you to let her go, so maybe you should let her see what that looks like? I don't mean that you should run out and hook up with another woman, but she's expressly told you that she wants that. Tell her that you love her and you're going to respect her wishes and do so. Let her make her own choices at that point.

In the meantime, as ConfusedJM suggested, do your own thing. Enjoy your world. That can only make you more attractive to her.

If she contacts you, respond if and when you're ready. Don't talk about the r/s. Don't chase. Take the time that you need for you.

[Oncebitten]

Lucky Jim

Not sure I follow which red flag do you mean... .

It has always seemed to be that if I just wait she will come calling... .she always tells me to stay away and leave her alone but it never lasts... .she always says she wants me to leave her alone but she keeps answering calls and texts... .her actions dont match her words... .I always feel if she wanted me to go away she wouldn't keep taking my calls... .even if its just to fight.  My assumption with her is despite what she says, she likes that I want to stay and fight and argue and work out or problems.  She tells me she wants me to quit but every action on her part is to the contrary

[Lucky Jim]

Hey OB, I mean you have encountered the rare pushmi-pullyu animal from the stories of Dr. DoLittle!     Just kidding, but it's worth considering whether you want to be in a push/pull type of r/s with a pwBPD.  Right, she tells you to stay away, but she takes your calls and responds to your texts because she likes the attention and is afraid of being abandoned, which is classic BPD behavior.  You could say that she's conflicted: she wants love, but pushes you away in order to force you to demonstrate how much you love her.  It's a backwards way of testing whether you care, but that's how it works with a pwBPD.  You probably assume that this behavior will disappear at some point, but it's unlikely to happen that way.  Over time, the push/pull dynamic is hard to sustain, but you may have a knack for it.

LuckyJim

[Oncebitten]

Lucky Jim

A knack for it?  Idk about that but I do love her and refuse to quit just because its hard.  If she didn't matter then I would walk away, but she does and since she does I shall continue to work to build something better, and to be better.  Which I guess in the end is what she wants, honestly I know most guys it would drive nuts but with her it has never bothered me a bit to reassure her that I won't leave her no matter what.

[Meili]

honestly I know most guys it would drive nuts but with her it has never bothered me a bit to reassure her that I won't leave her no matter what.

I won't abandon my x either. If she ever needs me, I'm here for her. If she ever wants to get back together; we'll see if we can work that out. But, I'll never say "no matter what." If she shot me, I'd leave her. If she killed my dog, I'd leave her. If she destroyed my car in rage, I'd leave her. There are a lot of "if she did... ." that come into play.

Just how much are you willing to endure? Where is your boundary? Why there and not someplace else? Those are really the questions that you'll need to answer for yourself.

I'm not trying to give you grief. I would go to a lot of extremes for my x. I had to stop and ask where my limits where though. If I didn't set limits, she would have less respect for me than she does now. Just some food for thought.

[Oncebitten]

Melli,

All good points, of course there are limts on no matter what.  I simply mean I have always assured her that I wouldn't abandon her.  Her raging at me has never been and issue.  Have we screamed at one another yes, has she cussed  me yes.  She has never threatened me physically or even threatened to damage any thing I own.   So in my mind those aren't serious concerns.

[Meili]

I know, and I didn't think that they would be. I was just pointing out the dangers in using "definites." Never, always, all the time, etc. can have unpredictable consequences when dealing with anyone, but can, in my experience, be exponentially more problematic with pwBPD.

I do get your point though. I hope that she sees your devotion to her and that brings her some comfort.

[Oncebitten]

How do I fix the mess I have created.  She wants me to leave her and maybe check in, in a month.  She isn't going to wait for me though... .so do I do what all the relationship people say and go NC for a month and hope that she wants me back... .hope that she doesn't replace me?

[Meili]

Sadly, that's about all that you can do. If you don't, you are ignoring her boundaries. A month of NC will give you both some time to heal and start to think clearly. If she moves on within a month, that should be telling to you. If you don't trust her enough not to move on within a month, what does that tell you?

[Oncebitten]

Melli,

I guess you are right... .if she is over me in a month then what am I fighting for?   She won't move on in a month. ... .not if I am the love of her life

[SoMadSoSad]

Melli,

I guess you are right... .if she is over me in a month then what am I fighting for?   She won't move on in a month. ... .not if I am the love of her life

From what I read on pwBPD is they lack object permanence and/or consistency. They also to to attach to someone to feel while. So even if you are the love of her life she might need to attach to someone else. Am I correct about this?

[Oncebitten]

Somad,

Yes that is the general thought... .hence my fear... .so that leaves me in a problematic spot... .do i do as she wishes and run the risk of her attaching herself elsewhere or do I fight and stay?

[Meili]

So, your options are to run the risk of her finding someone else and moving on, or you pushing her away because you are disrespecting her boundaries?

We all know that rebound r/s don't last anyway.

I thought that you wanted a break though OB? Or, did I misunderstand that?

And, here's the reality of it all, if she wants to be with someone else, she's going to be with someone else. It doesn't matter what you do.

[FallBack!Monster]

And, here's the reality of it all, if she wants to be with someone else, she's going to be with someone else. It doesn't matter what you do.

This quote says it all.  Even if its just the push/pull game; bwBPD or normal, you shouldn't feel like you have to force someone to be with you. That is sure to take your self-esteem from which ever level it is now down to nothing.  Even if this person comes back to you.

If it were me and I had to fight for love, the whole time we're together, i would be living in constant fear that the "love of my life" can leave me at any moment.  It would make me feel insecure & unattractive.  That would damage how I view myself.

I won't say don't go for it, that's up to you.  Furthermore, I think in a month you'll no longer need your feelings to be validated by your ex.  Within that month of space, your eyes are going to open up.  It took me less than that to see things clear.  Today, I'm only working on taking all the bothersome memories out of my mind.

[Oncebitten]

Im going to back off and give her some space... .she does need to heal from this.  But I still want to make things right with her... .I still want the woman I have loved more deeply than I have ever loved anyone.  Not sure what the best course of action is to be honest... .I do wish someone could tell me what I need to do to fix this with her... .I'm going to keep trying... .just not sure whether I need to be ever present so she trusts that I haven't run off or if I should leave her be so that she can heal and come back to me.

Any thoughts?

[FallBack!Monster]

Im going to back off and give her some space... .she does need to heal from this.  But I still want to make things right with her... .I still want the woman I have loved more deeply than I have ever loved anyone.  Not sure what the best course of action is to be honest... .I do wish someone could tell me what I need to do to fix this with her... .I'm going to keep trying... .just not sure whether I need to be ever present so she trusts that I haven't run off or if I should leave her be so that she can heal and come back to me.

Any thoughts?

There is no right or wrong answer in this situation. I believe many here have given you their good comments.

My ex did not exactly ask me to back off but her sudden change was blunt force trauma to my heart.

I still care a lot for my ex, and *more " than meets the eye", but I have a broken heart which I have to mend.

[Meili]

I suppose that by make things right with her you mean reconcile and save the r/s?

There's really only one thing that you can do in that regard. You can only examine the things in the r/s that you did to contribute to the problems and change the things about yourself that caused them.

For instance, in my r/s, my own insecurities caused major problems. If my x were to suddenly reappear in my life, and I haven't fixed my insecurity issues, we'd fail again immediately because there would be no change in the dynamic between us.

Other major problems that I brought into the r/so was poor communication skills and lack of empathy (ultimately stemming from my insecurity).

I'm working to change all of those and several other things. The best part is that every r/a I have will benefit from the changes. So, if she never comes back, I'll not bring the same things to the next r/s.

Since you cannot change her, you can only work with what you can change; yourself. Her giving you space is actually a gift. It gives you time to make meaningful changes to who you are (should you want to do so), and improve what you have to offer.

Doing this to repair the r/s may seem counter initiative, but it's really all that you can do. It is hard and painful at first, but it gets easier.

Have you started to examine how you added to the problems?

[Oncebitten]

Mellie,

Heres the thing though she likes that I refuse to quit.  She says she doesn't but she always takes my calls and  answers my texts... .deep down she has serious abandonment issues so the last thing she wants is me to leave her... .I just want to know how long its going to take before she will forgive me... .I know it's only been a few days since we started talking again and I know this is part of the deal... .but we talk for a while and everything is fine then she comes at me out of no where about what I did... .which ok I expect but she cheated once before and I didn't bring it up at every turn I just want to know how long before she forgives me.

[Oncebitten]

UPDATE:  Well it finally happened she has blocked my number... .I have no idea what to do now, i sent her an email but I don't know if she will read it... .I still want to fix this but I really dont know what to do now... .do I quit?  Do I just back off?  What am I going to do.

[Meili]

I know that it's hard to imagine right now, but your best bet is going to back off and focus on you.

If the last thing that she truly wants is for you to leave her, then stepping back may be just the thing that she needs.

Also, when she's emotionally driven, ignoring her emotions is invalidating. By continuing to try to contact her because you believe that is what she wants you to do is telling her that you know her better than she knows herself. While there might be some truth to that, telling her that will only serve to inflame the situation further.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Thats all I can do now, we had a misunderstanding she doesn't trust me which I do understand and instead of letting me explain she blocked me... .I guess all I can do is walk away work on me and see if she comes back

[Meili]

Have you read the article on here about JADEing and why you shouldn't do it?

[Oncebitten]

No i haven't, i will go read it... where is it at

[Meili]

You can read about JADEing HERE.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Should I just quit and see if she gets a hold of me?

[Meili]

Quit what is really the question?

You should quit trying to contact her IMHO. You should quit trying to control the situation. And, you should quit focusing on what she may or may not be thinking. But, I'm not suggesting that you quit the idea of saving the r/s if the r/s is truly what you want.

Give her the time and space that she needs. Focus on you in the meantime. This will give you the best chance of success in saving the r/s.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Yes quit trying to force this... .throughout this whole ordeal she has asked me to walk away, implying that she can't.  Kind of my thoughts, get me right before I try and fix this mess of a r/s

I am still hoping that it can be salvaged

[Meili]

So, time to start doing the work to salvage it.

You can't change her or fix things for her, so no need to even think or worry about that. You can only control you and fix the things about the r/s that are yours to own. The rest is completely up to her.

Time to do a postmortem on the r/s and figure out what was yours to own.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Good idea... .weak boundaries, the need for female validation (which led to the cheating )
Those are my issues... .I intend to work on them.
Should I tell her this is what i am doing or just go do it and be silent?

[Meili]

Just do it and be silent about it for now!

I had the very same issues in my r/s. I sought validation from a female outside of the r/s. We weren't romantic, but that is not the point. I also had very weak boundaries. I JADEd all the time. I invalidated my x all of the time. I didn't show her respect in any way that she could see. I allowed my insecurities to bring chaos into everything that we did. There is more, but I'm sure that you get my point. When I examine the entire r/s, I can see so many failures on my side of things. Will fixing these things about myself bring my x back. Probably not in all likelihood. But, they will help me in the future. It should also be pointed out that I was given ample opportunity to change during the r/s and I didn't.

So, you have the opportunity in your r/s to actually look at what you did and make changes that she can see as constants. That will go a long way to building trust. Trust is what she needs to feel based on what you've said.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

Thanks for the advice, she may never look back... .but you are right I need to work on me

[Meili]

The best part is that it won't matter if she looks back. The new you will be a boon regardless.

But, there is a chance that a recycle will happen. You'll need to be able to show her a different you at that point. Doing what you have been doing hasn't worked after all. Time for something new.

[Oncebitten]

Agreed... .cant force her to forgive what I did... .hopefully she will miss me and come back

[Oncebitten]

Ok she ended up getting in touch with me the other day and we spent some really good time together.  We both still want to be together and want this to work out.  I have admitted my problems that I brought to the relationship, and she has admitted hers.  Right now I am working on my own issues of insecurity, and she is still trying to reconcile with the fact that I cheated on her.  My question is, what do I need to build trust with her?  She has asked that I give her some space and that she will call me when she is ready to talk again.  And as hard as that is going to be I intend to honor her wishes for a start and give her space. 

Giving her space when she asks for it and working on my own problems is as far as I have gotten at this point.  Any other suggestions?

[Ashur]

Hey ob it is really hard isn't it? To give space when you see how much they may need you? Or just to reach out and ask how you holding up? I am dealing with it myself. As a matter if fact as I type this my BPD gf just texted and I saw her this morning so I guess the question really is how do you for yourself find that happy middle ground. That's the million dollar question. I sat her down and told her that I loved her and her kids and we have a baby on the way I want to be able to call or text when I miss them or just want to check up. She agreed and we left it at when I text if she doesn't want to talk she won't reply or reply and yes everything was I'm nothing more. That being said she always texts back (mostly) and has asked me to come over a lot. Maybe try that. Come up with a plan where you can text here and there to check up/in and let her know if a he doesn't want to reply that's fine. But also know I am New to this world and this may be super wrong way to do things... .

[Ashur]

She replies with yes everything is ok not I am nothing more... .I hate you phone

[Oncebitten]

ashur

we agreed to talk in a couple of days, so I feel like we have some kind of plan.  I have assured her that I am not going anywhere regardless of how long it takes to fix it.  I just need to figure out how to start to rebuild trust.

[Meili]

OB, the way that you build trust is through showing her consistency in your actions and respecting her.

[Oncebitten]

Melli

yes I know, she has asked for some space and i have to give her that.  Its not what I want to do but i guess i have no choice. 

I suppose all I can do is wait and hope that she finds some forgiveness for me and comes back.

[Meili]

As long as you believe that you have no choice, you won't have one. Once you understand that the choice is entirely yours, you'll start to regain control over your own life. Does that make sense?

"Just waiting" is possibly the worst plan that you could make btw. Right now you have an excellent opportunity to work on your r/s with her. Right now you can work on changing the things that were in your control that she disliked when you were together. Doing that would be far more beneficial to you than "just waiting."

[Oncebitten]

How do i work on a r/s when she won't talk to me?

Just work on me and hope thats enough?

[Meili]

Even if she were with you, holding your hand, the only thing that you could do to work on the r/s is to work on you. It's the only thing that you have control over.

[Oncebitten]

I suppose you are right there.  Should I just let her contact me?

[SoMadSoSad]

What if she doesn't contact you

[Oncebitten]

Somad

Thats what I dont know... .despite at times her telling me we are done and have no chance she continues to take my calls and answer my texts... .so I believe she is holding out hope we can fix this

[FallBack!Monster]

She has abandonment and trust issues.

We have broken up several before and always gotten back together.

Even after she cheated.

I know she still loves me.

Do I leave her alone because thats what she asked for and hope I don't trigger the abandonment or do I keep trying to talk to her?

We have bee together for almost a year.

Someone that has abandonment and trust issues, cheats, which is the most hurtful thing you can do to a partner, and you say she still loves you?
She wants to be left alone by you, but you're not sure if you should still keep chasing, even after she has cheated on you? Still, you say you've been together for almost a year, as if you're still a couple?

But does that work here?

That question baffled me.  Nothing seems to be working properly there.  

So now what?

Do like many have done here, including me right now, I am just learning to live without her.

My ex would see me one morning and sound like the old gal I met.  Then she would go home and I wouldn't hear from her for days.  The next time we saw each other, she would act as if I was chasing her.  The next time she would say she knows we're going to end up being partners for life.  Then, tell me she's seeking men on dating sites because she needs someone to support her and her daughter for life.  Then she just wants to be friends. Then she doesn't think we are compatible.  Next, I know she loves me.  Next, she needs someone else. The next time, we are good together, and so on.  All this within the last 2 months of our relationship.  I wish you better luck than I had with than confusion.

[Oncebitten]

Fallbackmonster

I can't speak to your situation, but I know mine... .even when she is mad at me she admits she loves me... .does she try and push me away from time to time yes... .that is a BPD cycle.  Right now her emotions are a mess and she pushes and pulls frequently.  But I think any woman would do the same given what happened. 
We are still together, in the sense that we are still talking, she might be mad and she might tell me he hates me.but she keeps taking my calls... .she is hurting and angry so she takes it out on the guy she trusted and the guy who betrayed her.  Again i think most people would do the same thing.  All relationship experts say this is part of the process... .and if you are the betrayer and want to get back together you have to be willing to bear the brunt of the pain you caused.

[Meili]

Please forgive me if this seems a bit blunt, but I'm very confused by your posts. They seem to be all over the map. It appears as if you're almost frantic about keeping the r/s alive. Is this correct?

What are you feeling?

[Oncebitten]

Meili

yes a bit frantic I suppose, i love her to death and want to keep the relationship... .just not sure what is the best course of action.  She keeps telling me that she loves me and wants us to work out.  She tells me that she needs time, she then also tells me that time apart from me allows her to detach from me which she doesnt want.  As a friend put it to me here its "I love you go away".

She needs time and space but then tells me she fears to much time and space she will lose part of US.

So hopefully that helps you understand my confusion... .I have no idea what to do... .she tells me she needs/wants me around everyday then later tells me to go away she needs space.

[Oncebitten]

Im done moving to the detaching board

[C.Stein]

This topic has reached the post limit.  Thanks to all who participated and please feel free to start another thread to continue discussion if needed.