I regret the last thing I said to her

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My BPDgf and I broke up six months ago at my doing - one week before my brother (my second to last surviving sibling) committed suicide. Needless to say, it's been a rough 6 months and my emotions are all over the place and get mixed up and some misplaced. I don't recall much of the month (and some) after my brother's death, and she and I have had minimal contact with one another since. I honestly don't know what prompted my question, but once when we were talking, I asked if she could explain the time she stopped me in the store, walked off, came back with a magazine, thrust it into my chest, berated me, and then told me to take the magazine back to its rack. Then she took off and I had to hunt through the store looking for her. The anger she expressed in that moment came from absolutely no where that I know of and I'd always wanted to know what prompted it and was always afraid to ask. So, about a month ago, while we were texting, I asked if she could explain it to me. Explain what happened that angered her so. She said she had no recollection. What? It was the only time she hit me ... .I was flabbergasted and upset by her dismissive answer so said, "ya know, if you don't remember assaulting me, I don't think there is any thing else we have to talk about." And I blocked her ability to contact me. I feel badly about what I said. Badly about how upset she no doubt became with me using the word "assault." Especially if she really doesn't remember the incident. I struggle with saying, "Hey, sorry about that." but am pretty certain that's not in my best interested to do that. Right?
And ... .do you think she really didn't remember?  thanks 

[Caboose]

My BPDgf and I broke up six months ago at my doing - one week before my brother (my second to last surviving sibling) committed suicide. Needless to say, it's been a rough 6 months and my emotions are all over the place and get mixed up and some misplaced. I don't recall much of the month (and some) after my brother's death, and she and I have had minimal contact with one another since. I honestly don't know what prompted my question, but once when we were talking, I asked if she could explain the time she stopped me in the store, walked off, came back with a magazine, thrust it into my chest, berated me, and then told me to take the magazine back to its rack. Then she took off and I had to hunt through the store looking for her. The anger she expressed in that moment came from absolutely no where that I know of and I'd always wanted to know what prompted it and was always afraid to ask. So, about a month ago, while we were texting, I asked if she could explain it to me. Explain what happened that angered her so. She said she had no recollection. What? It was the only time she hit me ... .I was flabbergasted and upset by her dismissive answer so said, "ya know, if you don't remember assaulting me, I don't think there is any thing else we have to talk about." And I blocked her ability to contact me. I feel badly about what I said. Badly about how upset she no doubt became with me using the word "assault." Especially if she really doesn't remember the incident. I struggle with saying, "Hey, sorry about that." but am pretty certain that's not in my best interested to do that. Right?
And ... .do you think she really didn't remember?  thanks 

[DogMan75]

Man, don’t beat yourself up over it. Sounds to me like some good boundary setting. It is so frustrating to have that “that didn’t happen argument”. So many times I’d just want to talk about some stupid little thing and we couldn’t even get to step one because we’d first have to fight about whether something ever happened at all and then never get beyond that. How can get you address the root of a problem when one party steadfastly denies that problem exists.

As to whether she remembers it, I’d say that’s 50/50, with no way to really tell from your end. Who knows? Maybe her. Maybe not. In either case, all the speculation in the world won’t get you any closer to the truth, so you may as well let that go. I know that’s easier said than done -I’m struggling with the very same questions myself. The need to understand what happened is so intense, but rationally we understand, on some level, that we’ll never really get those definitive answers we crave.

Let yourself off the hook on this one, though. I don’t think you did anything wrong.

[babyducks]

Hi Caboose,

I am sorry for the loss of your brother.    That's an awful lot of grieving to have to go through.   My sincere condolences.

While I don't know your exgf,  or the situation you described,   I do know that people with BPD can dissociate so badly as to appear psychotic.    There emotions can become so intense that they basically overload, and disconnect internally.    which will create memory problems.

it is also possible that your exgf was in the middle of an emotional flashback,   like a PTSD flashback, something triggered an emotional memory in her.    it could have been such a subtle trigger that you didn't even notice it and she flashed back to a period or event of abuse that she experienced.   and re-lived it.   her memories of that would be distorted too.

it's a serious mental illness.

I too said some harsh things to my Ex.   things that are really not part of my nature.   but pushed to my limits and a little beyond I did the best I could.    my Ex wants to come and go from my life in ways that are convenient for her.    to talk to me when she wants to, to call me a jerk when it makes her feel better, to basically pop in and out of my life.     after a while I told her I didn't want to put any energy into being friends with her because there was nothing in it for me.    which is really really true but I regret I didn't phrase it better.   I know that hurt her and it is never my intention to hurt anyone.   especially someone who is already so wounded.

the thing that has been difficult is that there is no avenue for me to go back and fix that statement.  If I go back and apologize, my apology will be used against me.    "See I told you, you are always mean to me."   and off to the races we go.    again.   

I wish I had answered that one better,  but caught flat footed,  overwhelmed and tired I said the first thing that came into my head.    I think I have to admit I am human and in that instance I missed the mark I was aiming for.

hope this helps
'ducks

[SummerStorm]

We all regret some of the things we said and did, but at the end of the day, if the pwBPD can't see that we are human and make mistakes, then is that really someone with whom we should be communicating?  In an equal, respectful partnership, when someone says or does something hurtful, he or she apologizes, the other person accepts, and they move forward and work together to find the core issue and solve it.  In a relationship with a pwBPD, if you apologize, you are validating the fact that you are a bad person.  And even if the pwBPD does accept the apology, he or she has no interest in working together to solve the problem. 

In terms of remembering or not remembering, I do think that they sometimes have no recollection at all.  Other times, they want to avoid the shame they would feel if confronted by their actions, so they press forward and see if other people will just forget about their indiscretions.  Two years ago, my ex-friend popped back into my life like nothing had happened, after I was discarded in the cruelest way.  When I eventually made a comment about how we weren't friends, she replied, "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."  In other words, "Why can't you forget what I did?" She never apologized for what she said and did.  I think she hoped that I would just forget.  A few days later, when it became clear that I was not backing down from wanting an apology, she painted me black again.  Her ex told me she would hit him and then act like nothing happened, but she has said things to me that indicate she knows exactly what she did.

I've been blocked for over four months because I stood up for myself and told her it wasn't right to not apologize for the things she said and done to me.  And I feel that I absolutely have the right to do that.

Yes, these people are hurting badly inside, and it's not right to say mean, hurtful things to them, but at the same time, it's also not right to stand back and take abuse and act like it's okay.  My ex-friend's mom maintains a decent relationship with her by not standing up for herself and by giving my ex-friend money whenever she asks for it.  But is that a healthy way to maintain a relationship of any sort?  I certainly don't think so. 

[Caboose]

Man, I'm so glad I posted last night. I've been thinking about this since it happened and have been going back and forth with what to do. After reading these insightful comments, I think I can go against my natural instinct to apologize and continue the no contact. You've each brought up such good points ... ."that didn't happen"; "apologize and get, 'see, you're mean to me'"; and "in an equal relationship... .you get to discuss things." Bam, bam, bam ... .that was perfect to read this morning. Thank you.

I still linger with a lot of thoughts from the relationship and can't get them all filed away ... .yet. I find the ability to selectively (or subconsciously) remember previous events fascinating. Once, very early in our relationship, we had been busy with chores and errands all day. Finally, in the early evening, we were able to head out to dinner. Just as she reached for the doorknob to leave her house, she said, "I can't wait to have a drink." I said, "Yeah, you've seemed a little on edge today." and rubbed her shoulder. BAM! Silent treatment ... .she could not even place her order at the restaurant so I did for her, then she didn't eat when the food arrived, then BAM! She let me have 'it' - yelled at me for at least an hour. Once she calmed down I said, "why does it always have to get so big?" No answer but after seeing her therapist a few days later, she told me they had talked about it and she'd think about it. A month or two later, I brought it up again and asked how that was going. She had no clue what I was talking about.

[EdR]

Don't stress about it. ;-) I have already done that for the two of us :-p

Seriously, you said nothing too harsh. They just REALLY do NOT like to be confronted with stuff they might have done wrong. Even when done nicely or with SET techniques they just genuinely hate it. Been there, done that too many times... .

I guess their memory loss might be viewed in the same light. It is often really convenient... .
They seem to remember everything, except for those things in which they had a dubious role themselves... .

[SummerStorm]

I still linger with a lot of thoughts from the relationship and can't get them all filed away ... .yet. I find the ability to selectively (or subconsciously) remember previous events fascinating. Once, very early in our relationship, we had been busy with chores and errands all day. Finally, in the early evening, we were able to head out to dinner. Just as she reached for the doorknob to leave her house, she said, "I can't wait to have a drink." I said, "Yeah, you've seemed a little on edge today." and rubbed her shoulder. BAM! Silent treatment ... .she could not even place her order at the restaurant so I did for her, then she didn't eat when the food arrived, then BAM! She let me have 'it' - yelled at me for at least an hour. Once she calmed down I said, "why does it always have to get so big?" No answer but after seeing her therapist a few days later, she told me they had talked about it and she'd think about it. A month or two later, I brought it up again and asked how that was going. She had no clue what I was talking about.

Once, my ex-friend, during our brief romantic relationship, had basically decided that I would be driving us to work in my car and that she would be coming back to my house again that afternoon, after work (we worked together).  She didn't ask me about this, and I didn't find out until she casually said that morning, "I can just pack up the rest of my stuff tonight."  When I told her that she would have to drive to work and then drive home because I was staying late at work that night for the school board meeting, at which some of my co-workers and I were presenting, she instantly shut down, became very cold and distant, and then zoomed out of my driveway when we left and took a different route than me to work.  She barely talked to me all day, and then, that night, she was telling me that I was "psychotic."  They can't take people criticizing them, "letting them down," going against them, "abandoning" them, etc.  They also tend to focus on their needs and wants.  Therefore, my ex-friend didn't even bother to ask me about coming back to my house because it was what she wanted, and she didn't think about the fact that it may not have worked with my schedule. 

As EdR said, they don't like to be confronted about their wrongdoings.  Once, my ex-friend texted me some really, really hurtful things.  When I got angry, she decided to pretend that her boyfriend had taken her phone and was the phone who was texting me.  To avoid blame, she literally placed the blame on someone else and created this whole story in her mind, wherein her boyfriend was the actual bad guy.  She kept this up for weeks.   And like EdR also said, what you said wasn't even that harsh, not compared to the things she's probably said to you.  That's how I always try to erase those thoughts from my mind.  Sure, I could have re-worded things a bit, but at the end of the day, in the three years that I've known my ex-friend, I have never once called her a "stupid b____h," a "c___t," or a "lying piece of s___t."  Those are all things that she's called me, though. 

[En1gma]

I have zero regrets about what I last said to my exBPD romantic partner. The reason is, nothing I would have said differently would have mattered.

[babyducks]

my regrets about what I said, and how I said it, basically come from the fact that I don't normally speak like that.   It's not how I choose to interact with people.    it's not how I see myself.

So my regrets aren't about her, they are about me.   about me being a better person and trying to figure out how to get there.

[Caboose]

Thank you all so very much for your time and for the effort you put forth to answer my questions. All replies made so much sense to me and I could relate to all, which gave me some much needed peace of mind. Thanks!

(What’s a little trippy is from what you all have said, it sounds as if you too have dated my exgf. Lol.)

[tryingsome]

It is not your job to absolve the guilt of someone else who has hurt you.
From what I read, you did not attack her character; you stated why the relationship could not continue.
The need to apologize would stem from some need in you; perhaps you want to be accepted?
You can forgive a person, but their weight of misdeeds should not be yours.

For example, you would not apologize to a murderer for killing your family, though you might forgive them.
(yes, a bit of an extreme analogy)

[Bo123]

Had similar situations where my ex was talking so loud on her cell in a store that got eveybody's attention, I just put my finger up to my lips, meaning tone it down a little, after she got got off her cell she started yelling at me to never tell her to hush again, I explained I just signaled and didn't say anything and everyone was looking, she continued yelling so I took off and since I was driving got what I needed, she had wanted stuff also, I went to check out, she followed and I drove her home.  Not a word was said.  These 0-100 then back to zero are normal for a lot of BPD's she never apologized or brought it up.  She did it again months later and I got what I needed and left, her close behind as I would have left her there, again no apologies or explanations.  She either learned her lesson or found another way to annoy me but I think she knew I would leave her there when she acts like a 5 year old.  Just one of many clues she was not an adult even in her late 30's and high advanced degree.