I don't know how to communicate with BPDh in a healthy way without expectations

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi.

My BPDh is not in therapy, although he is going to CR for Anger.  I am living seperately right now.  He says I can come home any time, but he does not seem willing to look at the behavior that caused me to leave.  I am starting to gain an understanding of why he does what he does, but it causes so much anxiety in our home.  He accuses me of not wanting to spend time with the children, when I have had them for the last 3 days.  It is like he is in competition with me, but never acknowledges my contributions.  I tried to reach out to him in his accusations by validating what was true and offering to spend time with him in a positive way at the end of the day.  He completely ignored my texts.  I get so hurt.  I decided to block him from my phone because of the nasty texts earlier and his unwillingness to acknowledge my efforts to sympathize and be his friend.  It is easier that I am not constantly looking for his texts, but worry about the ramifications of blocking him.  We have six children together and communication is usually pretty necessary.  He can email me if he needs to talk to me. 

We were supposed to spend memorial weekend together as a family, but I just don't think he is stable enough for me to trust that he will be loving and kind.  This is the most difficult part of this whole situation.  I want my family together, I love my husband, but I can't handle to accusations and criticism constantly.  I keep waiting for him to realize that the ball is in his court, but don't know if he is capable of reaching out.   He says he cant "control" what I do and so he does nothing.  "Nothing" isn't going to move us forward!  It's a vicious circlue.

I am reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" but havent found a path forward yet.

Thanks for listening.  Any suggestions?

[Indymomofsix]

Hi.

My BPDh is not in therapy, although he is going to CR for Anger.  I am living seperately right now.  He says I can come home any time, but he does not seem willing to look at the behavior that caused me to leave.  I am starting to gain an understanding of why he does what he does, but it causes so much anxiety in our home.  He accuses me of not wanting to spend time with the children, when I have had them for the last 3 days.  It is like he is in competition with me, but never acknowledges my contributions.  I tried to reach out to him in his accusations by validating what was true and offering to spend time with him in a positive way at the end of the day.  He completely ignored my texts.  I get so hurt.  I decided to block him from my phone because of the nasty texts earlier and his unwillingness to acknowledge my efforts to sympathize and be his friend.  It is easier that I am not constantly looking for his texts, but worry about the ramifications of blocking him.  We have six children together and communication is usually pretty necessary.  He can email me if he needs to talk to me. 

We were supposed to spend memorial weekend together as a family, but I just don't think he is stable enough for me to trust that he will be loving and kind.  This is the most difficult part of this whole situation.  I want my family together, I love my husband, but I can't handle to accusations and criticism constantly.  I keep waiting for him to realize that the ball is in his court, but don't know if he is capable of reaching out.   He says he cant "control" what I do and so he does nothing.  "Nothing" isn't going to move us forward!  It's a vicious circlue.

I am reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" but havent found a path forward yet.

Thanks for listening.  Any suggestions?

[OutOfEgypt]

He is in competition with you.  In his mind, anybody is in competition with him, given the context.  His approach is to tear you down from the inside since he doesn't think he can "beat" you otherwise.

The path forward begins when you start listening to what YOU think and feel and let go of what he will do.  You have been trained to put his thoughts and feelings first, always, to the point where you think your feelings and thoughts are bad or invalid or something to be avoided because of the consequences that will ensue if you listen (or at least, that is how it was with me).

In a normal relationship, you have your own thoughts and feelings, and then you consider the thoughts and feelings of your partner.  They, mutually, do the same with you.  Neither person loses their sense of identity or their own sense of conviction about their perceptions or feelings.  But in a relationship with a BPD person, you are trained, often very quickly, that your feelings and perceptions need to go and everything is about their feelings.  To have your own opinion or feelings or perceptions, especially if they are negative toward your partner, feels... . wrong... . bad... . guilt-laden... . or anxiety-producing, because you are afraid of how they will react.  You "walk on eggshells."  You aren't going to get him to see it your way.  If he is truly BPD, he isn't capable of it, and he isn't capable of true, meaningful attachment.  So, you need to stop playing by the rules that would normally apply to a normal, mutual relationship.  Reality mandates that you understand and accept that this is not a mutual situation, that your BPDh does not live in reality but lives in a reality that is like a swirling blackhole that focuses entirely on his emotions at the moment.  Therefore, it is imperative that you listen to YOU.  You may consider his feelings, but you listen to yourself when it comes to what you feel and perceive.  

Your perceptions and feelings must become the final judge and jury on your actions, not his.  No, it won't be perfect.  But it will be pretty darn good.  And it will be far better than handing your head over to the executioner and your ankles to the shackles.

Of course, this means you need to know what you feel.  Therapy has helped me tremendously to break through the numbness and listen to my own feelings and perceptions.  And do your best to not put yourself in a position where you have truly wronged him.  Because, as I'm sure you know, you're just handing him ammunition every time you do anything to legitimately hurt him.  

Aside from listening to yourself, build strong attachments with other healthy people.  Notice the massive difference, and stop letting him set the rules for you.  As you build stronger attachments to healthy people, the grip of their pseudo-attachment becomes less as you begin to gain strength in having your feelings validated with people who are actually capable of doing it.

So... . let's say some situation arises and he accuses you of mistreating him or not considering him.  What are your thoughts and perceptions?  Let's say you think he's being overly dramatic and trying to throw you off balance so that you focus attention on him.  You stick with that.  You trust your perceptions.  :)on't let him continue to cast doubt on them.  That is one of the ways BPD's manipulate and control those who are in close relationships with them.  How you respond would be up to you, but I would recommend keeping it short and sweet and without trying to explain everything to him.  He won't listen, and all of your explanations will give him more ammunition to use for later.  Besides, he's an adult.  I know you love him, but you should not have to explain to him or anyone how to not be a drama-queen, how to not be self-absorbed, and how to have mutual respect for others.

When my teenage daughter does things like that (which is pretty normal for teenagers), I gently put her in her place rather than getting caught up in answering her dramatic accusations.  I'm not saying you should "put him in his place."  I'm just saying that you probably already know how to set limits with this kind of thing, without getting sucked into it, because you probably do it with your children already.  Now you need to do it with him.

Basically, if you don't start setting the rules for yourself and listening to what you think and you perceive, he will be setting your rules and you'll be listening to (and controlled by) all of his manipulations.  His "voice" cannot come into the picture for you like it would with a normal relationship, but even with a normal relationship your own perceptions and feelings should be the final arbiter.  That's what it means to keep your own identity.

[OutOfEgypt]

It is easier that I am not constantly looking for his texts, but worry about the ramifications of blocking him.

Yup.  Been there.  I remember feeling that fear of "Oh no, but how will we [fill in the blank].  we need to be able to [fill in the blank]."  But there are other ways to communicate, and wouldn't that be his problem since he is the one who cannot control himself and communicate over text appropriately?

In an ironic twist, my BPDexw blocked me from texts for a while.  We could only communicate over the phone.  It was fine... . like the "good ol days".  What makes it ironic is that she was the one who would text-bomb me, not the other way around.  She would say absolutely horrific things to me and go on and on.  I remember when we were still together, if I ever dared to speak my mind to her in a way she didn't like or accused her of wrong, I would (as I slept on the couch) get countless text messages.  I would just shut my phone off, and in the morning I would wake up to something like 50 text messages going on and on, defending herself, calling me names, etc.  But yeah, she blocked me.

Recently, she unblocked me.  I should feel so happy that I "graduated" in her eyes :P.  Haha.  I'm no longer grounded from being able to text her.

[FigureIt]

Thank you Outof Egypt this was helpful to me too. Mine is constantly giving me a hard time if I make a decision which he claims I'm not there for him.  I had a day off of work today and went to run errands, groceries, etc cuz we are having a family party Sunday. Instead of coming home to help clean setup etc., he has gone out drinking.  Also, he was irritated I wasn't home when he stopped for lunch, you know cuz running those errands was ALL for me.

I'm at "whatever" think that way... . He even threatened he wouldn't be at the party or go to a wedding with me soon. I told him if he makes those choices then he has chosen to end our relationship, because that is not how you act in a loving relationship.  That was this past Sunday... . so we'll see what he decides. Honestly his choice, I'm done "bowing down" to his demands of his self absorption.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm done "bowing down" to his demands of his self absorption.

Good for you.  And thank God, because its not going to stop from his side, even if you end the relationship.  I know some people have their BPDso just up and leave them and never talk to them again.  And though those folks are soo crushed, it is actually merciful.  Most of the time, this becomes something we must learn to deal with for the rest of our lives because it won't go away, such as in my case where I share children with my BPDexw.  She has various other men at this point, but she still does things to try to both compete with me and keep me hooked into the game -not even in a way that suggests she wants me back, but just to throw me off and keep me reeling about her.  And I know that every time something blows up in her face, she is going to call me up or want a hug from me when she sees me.  I hate it, but I know it won't stop.  There's really no "trick" to it... . just becoming increasingly aware of whats going on, trusting our instincts and perceptions, and becoming increasingly resolved in our stance against "the game".  "I refuse to play".  One day at a time, one situation at a time.

And I realize this is the "undecided" board, so I hope I'm not pressuring anybody to choose leaving, but I tell you what... . it would be hell if I had to try to maintain that resolve while still living with her and in a relationship with her, having all of that in my face all the time.  I don't think I could do it.  The "spell" was too strong, the consequences too great.  They know they can pull this crap because they know they've got you.  They know you don't want to lose them.  The fear of the pain of losing her played a HUGE role in keeping me walking on eggshells.  :)epending on how severe the BPD is in the person, I think it often comes to a head in that issue for most of us.  I was not able to "not care" about that until the relationship was over.  So, in my case leaving the relationship took away a huge weapon she held against me.  But that is something I will need to maintain for myself in ALL relationships moving forward (though, granted, that is MUCH easier to do with a non-BPD!)

Haha.  Yeah, how dare you run errands.  Selfish!