Niece has diagnosed BPD

[Spiritamore]

Hi there,

I have a 22 yo niece that has been diagnosed with BPD.  I am here to support my sister (her Mom), family and myself.  I want to educate myself, so I know what to say to help and support my sister, her husband and my other nieces and nephews (her brothers and sisters).  It's such a hard thing, and so painful to watch my sister blame herself and feel guilty for feeling that she neglected her other children (who are all young adults now) most of their lives to deal with the one child that demanded everything from her.  She doesn't know how to help her now, what is the right way to handle the toxic situation?  Boundaries are important from what I understand, but how do you convey that to my niece?  She is acting mean, hateful, rude, and very nasty to her Mom (my sister) and family.  I feel so lost, as they all do 

Thanks for listening, Spiritamore

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Spiritamore:    

I'm sorry about the problems with your niece.  How nice of you to want to help your sister and family to manage the situation better.  Any chance to get your sister here to learn some strategy and skills first hand?  It might be strategic to have the two of you to join forces in this endeavor.

Boundaries are important from what I understand, but how do you convey that to my niece?  She is acting mean, hateful, rude, and very nasty to her Mom (my sister) and family.  I feel so lost, as they all do

BOUNDARIES are for the welfare and benefit of the person who sets the boundaries.  You don't usually look for agreement, you just set the boundary and consistently enforce it.  

Does your niece live with your sister?  Has your niece been to college?  Is she currently employed?  The specifics will make a difference on how boundaries are used (i.e. if your niece lives on her own or with parents, if she is rude via phone, text or in person)

Do you have a couple of examples to share or your niece's mean, hateful, rude or nasty behavior?

[livednlearned]

Hi Spiritamore,

Welcome and hello

That's very kind of you to help support your sister. It's pretty common for a parent to feel tremendous guilt when a child is dx'd BPD. I know it's a process, but I hope your sister knows that there are some kids with sensitive genotypes, and parenting them is not intuitive. They may have sensory defensiveness as small children or have intense emotions, and we don't recognize that there are special needs.

One thing that has been helpful for me is dialectical thinking, which means recognizing that two seemingly opposite things can both be true. For example, we did the best we could, AND we can do better.

How often do you interact with your niece?

What led to the BPD diagnosis?

LnL