Newly diagnosed D26 - Desperately need support and to know I'm not going mad

[Pandie]

Hi my name is Pandie I am a single parent of two adult daughter's aged 26 and 27. My youngest daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD. My eldest daughter and myself Desperatley need help as we cannot cope for much longer without some much needed support, unfortunatley we are not and have not recieved any support so far in trying to understand and cope with this awfull disorder as the mental health services in Ireland are very poor and unless you have thousands of pounds to spend on private clinics, treatment for this disorder is non existent in my area they have no facilities or help to offer my daughter or our family.  I am so desperate and im literally crying while writing this post as i am pretty close to having a nervous breakdown. Please please im begging anyone out there that is going through a similar situation to mine i need to hear that everything is going to be ok and that im not going mad and i will survive this. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and may godbless you all xxx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello and welcome, Pandie!

First things first, here's a hug for you  I can sense the desperation and sadness in your words and I want you to know you are not alone, you are not going mad, and you WILL survive this. Many of us, when we got here, felt as you do - and we are learning how to have better lives, together. I'm so glad you've joined us.

It's great you are reaching out for support for yourself, and to find ways to support your DD27, I'm sure life hasn't been a walk in the park for either of you. I encourage you both to learn all you can about BPD - we've lots of great articles and a good place to start is the post pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It's chock-full of clinically responsible information and I trust it over all the googling I did before finding  bpdfamily.

The best part about  bpdfamily is our members. All of us are struggling, learning, loving a pwBPD (person with BPD) and we are open 24/7!

What led to your daughter's diagnosis? Is she accepting of the diagnosis? Are you all living together?

Sorry for all the questions - it helps to get a good picture of what you're dealing with day-to-day. Please share what you are comfortable sharing, there are no judgments here; we've all "been there, done that." Although the details are different, there are many similarities to our stories and I invite you to tell yours here  

I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

Again,

~ OH

[Huat]

Aw Pandie, let me join Only Human in welcoming you here.

I am so sorry that you have had to find this forum but, on the other hand,  glad that you did.  So many are in the same position you are in regarding finding support and getting more of an understanding on BPD.

Much is now going to depend on you.  Needless to say, this is a time-consuming journey but, for sure, you will reap the benefits when you become better armed in understanding your BPD daughter...and...learning coping skills for yourself.

Right above the thread you started is "How to get the most out of this site."  I recommend that you read it.

You may find it a bit daunting when you first start to post but it will come easier once you start getting feed back from others.   For me, it was so comforting to be able to put my fingers on the keyboard and pour out my heart and my hurts.  I was able to write things I wasn't able to talk about to others.  Believe me when I say whatever you write will have some heads nodding.  Knowing that I was not the only one to experience what was happening in our family made a difference.

Once again, welcome Pandie.  Come back as often or as little as you want.  Write as much or as little as you want...telling us what is going on with your daughter, her behaviours...tell us what/who you have for support...tell us how you are coping.

Looking forward to having you part of this forum.

((HUGS)   from one Mom to another.

Huat

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello

Code:

Pandy

Let me join huat and OH in welcoming you to the group. I am happy to meet you and so sorry for what brings you here. It must be horrible to be facing this disease with little to no help. I literally feel your pain as I read your post. First things first. To answer your question, yes there is hope and yes things can get better. You took the important first step of finding us and asking for help. You have us now. You can post here all you like 24/7 and other parents of people with BPD who truly get it will respond with love, support, and good advice. Like OH pointed out, this site is full of good information from reliable sources. Just one word of caution. Be careful what you read about BPD on the internet. A lot of what is out there is inaccurate and out of date. It wasn't long ago that psychologists saw BPD is almost untreatable. That is no longer the case. BPD is actually very treatable. Even if healthcare resources are limited in Ireland there are options like DBT groups that meet online. Would your daughter be willing to give something like that a go? What else can you tell us about her? What behaviors of jers are most problematic? Has she been formally diagnosed? Here is another hug from one mom to another.

[Lollypop]

Hi pandie

Please please im begging anyone out there that is going through a similar situation to mine i need to hear that everything is going to be ok and that im not going mad and i will survive this.

My son was 24 when he got dx. We live in England, mental health treatment in our area is poor. He refused to seek treatment any way and mistrusts the medical profession. We found a way for things to be ok for us. You will survive this!

There’s the easy way - keep on doing what you’re doing right now. All that will happen is you will get more of the same. Change your approach by learning here. Better understanding helps you stop reacting and interaction skills help you connect on a deeper level.

We all want the same thing: to be understood and feel loved.

How’s today going?

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Pandie 

You can find green 'REPLY' tab at the top right handside 

[Pandie]

Thank you for replying back and thank you for the hug. (A little bit of backround) my daughter started displaying various behaviour problems from the age of two if im totally honest. Angry outbursts and tantrums were the norm and by the time she was 5 years old her behaviour had progressed on to smashing toys,kicking holes in doors and so fourth she did not sleep a full night until she was six years old.The strange thing was that most of these behaviours happend at home and not in kindergarden or school. My daughters teachers reported back that she lacked concentration, got bored easily, needed to develop her listening skills and that she was a born leader but they did not mention any behavioural problems as such, nothing of the wild and chaotic tantrums she was having at home. I just put her behaviour down to her being a very strong minded and wilful child when she was younger. When she was eleven years old we moved from England to Ireland, it was after my youngest brother had died and i moved back home to be close to my mum and sister. My two daughters and myself found the transition and adjustment extremely stressfull for quite some time and during this time my youngest daughters behaviour had spiraled totally out of control. She would not go to school for me, she broke all the rules and bounderies i tried to put in place for her safety, she was starting to behave violent towards me and her sister. School had also broken down with my daughter not even wanting to go in the situation was impossible. I approached the health centre in our area for help and support and they assigned us a family support worker/social worker. From then my daughter refered to an adolecent mental health facility for an assessment she was now 14 years old. Our family attended the facility once a week for 3 months doing family sessions and one to one sessions also. The overall outcome of the assessment was they could find nothing mentaly wrong with my daughter, they more or less put her behaviour down to being a typical teenager moods and all. I left that facility very angry because deep down i knew they were wrong, shortly after that our family fell apart and i had to make the devastating decision to put my daughter in foster care. We all remained in close contact during this time as our love for each other never faltered no matter how hard or difficult it was at times and thank god my daughter remained with the same family. My daughter left her foster care family at 19 years old and moved from flat to flat bringing trouble constantly to her door, still her sister and myself supported her emotionally and financially. Now she has a four year old child and has come to the attention of social family services my grandaughter lives with me four days a week and with her mother 3. My daughter is not and has never shown anger or violence toward her child thats why she lives with her mum 3 days a week, she is so loving and its amazing to watch as she is like a different person around her daughter. My daughter lacks the basic parenting skills things such as getting her daughter to school, bed time routines, hygiene issues and stuff like that. My daughter is now involved with family services and we all have worked collectivley with her doctor to have my daughter assessed again at the mental health facility. The outcome of that assessment was that she has BPD. Sorry took so long to get back to you has been chaotic last few days. Xx

[Harri]

Hi Pandi.  Thanks for sharing more details with us.  You all have been through a lot.

It sounds like she has a great support system between you and your other daughter and family services.  What sort of support do you have for you, other than us now?   

What are some of the biggest issues you want to talk about with us?

[stampingt1]

Welcome Pandie,

Sorry that it has taken so long to get a correct diagnosis for your daughter. The things that have helped me the most are: this message board, reading books about BPD & seeing a therapist for myself.

 
Stampingt1

[MomSA]

Please please im begging anyone out there that is going through a similar situation to mine i need to hear that everything is going to be ok and that im not going mad and i will survive this.

Hello Pandie

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Many of us here can understand the feeling of being near breakdown as this illness is a relational one and hurts those closest to the one with BPD.

Yes, you will make it though, you will find the right path to walk with her, and coming here is a good start.

Can I suggest a book called: "When your daughter has BPD" which you can get on Amazon here.
https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Daughter-Has-BPD/dp/1626259569/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1ORYBZ6Y8H9M&keywords=when+your+daughter+has+BPD&qid=1559396550&s=gateway&sprefix=when+your+daughter+has+BPD%2Caps%2C-1&sr=8-1

Does your daughter accept her diagnoses?

Is she willing to enter DBT skills training?

Can you find our if there is a Family Connections group in your area that you and your other daughter can attend? It is free.
https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/

[twocrazycats]

Hi Pandie, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. You are not alone.

I want to enthusiastically second the recommendation of the book, "When Your Daughter Has BPD." I've read through the book so many times I couldn't even  count them. I started underlining parts that were especially important to me and then found I was underlining almost every single word. It helps me understand that I am not going mad and that I am not alone.

Welcome to this group. It has been like a life line for me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomSA]

I want to enthusiastically second the recommendation of the book, "When Your Daughter Has BPD." I've read through the book so many times I couldn't even  count them. I started underlining parts that were especially important to me and then found I was underlining almost every single word. It helps me understand that I am not going mad and that I am not alone.

I can't agree more. I have made notes in the margins too about how this has impacted our home over the years and what changes  need to be made if any. Sometimes just acknowledging it has been healing.