She is starting to be more self concious about her looks. It gets worse eveyday.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Typically my wife has not been the type that flaunts over herself to the millionth degree. On occasion she has complained about a pimple or a beauty mark here or there. Recently she has been really concerned about 8 extra lbs she claims to have gain over the last year. I hear about it every day. For example :" I hate having this belly fat.  I want my flat stomach back.  I seriously don't even want you to look at or touch me because of it."

That was a mild quote. She what is she doing about it? Nothing. And by nothing I mean running 7 days a week and lift weight 3 days per week. Oh did I mention she has been doing that for the last 10 plus years. She is obsessing about it and has never been like this before. I am very supportive and we have tried changing diet and increasing exercise. We went to a nutritionist and also a professional trainer and runner. They both told her the same thing... .She isn't eating ENOUGH.  She of course can not believe it even when they both explained it in very clear detail.

Top it off she is tired at the end of the day. And by the end of the day I mean 5 PM. After dinner its practically off to bed. That means she doesn't lift a figure to help with even her own things like ironing her clothes or making her own specialized lunches. I have made it so all she needs to do in the morning is wake up put on clothes and drive to work. I guess maybe I am just belly aching because I get up at 3:45 am to get all this ready for and then make dinner and all the house work when I get home. Also I put in 3 hours of drive time. But she is the one that is exhausted.

[Cipher13]

Typically my wife has not been the type that flaunts over herself to the millionth degree. On occasion she has complained about a pimple or a beauty mark here or there. Recently she has been really concerned about 8 extra lbs she claims to have gain over the last year. I hear about it every day. For example :" I hate having this belly fat.  I want my flat stomach back.  I seriously don't even want you to look at or touch me because of it."

That was a mild quote. She what is she doing about it? Nothing. And by nothing I mean running 7 days a week and lift weight 3 days per week. Oh did I mention she has been doing that for the last 10 plus years. She is obsessing about it and has never been like this before. I am very supportive and we have tried changing diet and increasing exercise. We went to a nutritionist and also a professional trainer and runner. They both told her the same thing... .She isn't eating ENOUGH.  She of course can not believe it even when they both explained it in very clear detail.

Top it off she is tired at the end of the day. And by the end of the day I mean 5 PM. After dinner its practically off to bed. That means she doesn't lift a figure to help with even her own things like ironing her clothes or making her own specialized lunches. I have made it so all she needs to do in the morning is wake up put on clothes and drive to work. I guess maybe I am just belly aching because I get up at 3:45 am to get all this ready for and then make dinner and all the house work when I get home. Also I put in 3 hours of drive time. But she is the one that is exhausted.

[byfaith]

That means she doesn't lift a figure to help with even her own things like ironing her clothes or making her own specialized lunches. I have made it so all she needs to do in the morning is wake up put on clothes and drive to work. I guess maybe I am just belly aching because I get up at 3:45 am to get all this ready for and then make dinner and all the house work when I get home. Also I put in 3 hours of drive time. But she is the one that is exhausted.

Hi Cipher,

You need to get some professional help for yourself. I know that sounds blunt but you are going to have to look at yourself in the mirror and try to understand how you can change your behavior. It's not easy.

Best wishes

BF

[Notwendy]

I had to read this a few times to get the picture. She's doing nothing -by exercising a lot? Seems that is something but it isn't working hmmm.

Then the statements "we" went to the nutritionist, "we changed diet" and you are making sure all she has to do is drive to work while you get up at 3:30 and iron her clothes and make her lunches?

A few thoughts here-the first is who has the weight issue - you or her? It's hard to tell since you seem to be taking on the task of her weight - but it's her responsibility to be in charge of her weight.

It's getting worse? Well if I thought that by complaining about my weight would get my H to fix meals for me and iron my clothes I might start complaining a bit so that he keeps paying all that attention to me. Have you considered that the problem persists because you are enabling it?

And seriously - someone not eating enough- exercising a lot should be losing weight. I'm familiar with diet and exercise too and know that some people don't eat enough nutrition to raise metabolism to lose weight but I would still be wondering if there isn't some extra snacking somewhere - but that isn't your responsibility. What she eats is her business.

[Notwendy]

another thought about the constantly being tired, eating little and gaining weight is something physical. Has she had a check up- for things like thyroid problems ? That can make people gain weight and be tired all the time. Before assuming other things - like snacking- I world want to be sure she is healthy. Her weight and what she eats is her responsibility but if she needs a medical check up you can help her get that.

[Cipher13]

Notwendy

Has she had a check up- for things like thyroid problems ? That can make people gain weight and be tired all the time. Before assuming other things - like snacking- I world want to be sure she is healthy. Her weight and what she eats is her responsibility but if she needs a medical check up you can help her get that.

In response to this yes she has had a recent check up for thyroid and all that kind of blood work. From what I understood after talking to the experts is that her body is hording what she eats. It is thinking that due to the level of exercising she does it thinks its starving based on the calorie levels she is ingesting. Instead of the body burning calories its is actually holding on because it doesn't know when it will eat next. Not sure I fully understand all that but more than one person has suggested this based on what she told them of her workouts and what she eats.

Then the statements "we" went to the nutritionist, "we changed diet" and you are making sure all she has to do is drive to work while you get up at 3:30 and iron her clothes and make her lunches?

A few thoughts here-the first is who has the weight issue - you or her? It's hard to tell since you seem to be taking on the task of her weight - but it's her responsibility to be in charge of her weight.

I have noticed I use the "we" term so much that I am loosing track of my own identity. I speak to my wife in that manner as well. Almost everything that involves her I saw we. I almost never use "you" or "I". I haven't really noticed it until you pointed that out. But that is how I communicate nearly everything. Hmmm I can't imagine that being a good healthy way to always be.

[Notwendy]

Knowing she is basically healthy- or at least doesn't need your help with serious medical interventions, I would consider that there is a problem with boundaries here. Adults are responsible for their own actions.

I can only relate my own experience, but I think this is an area where there are good boundaries in place. In general, starting with teens, trying to get a teen to diet is likely to lead to a rebellion- because they want to be in control of their own bodies- and they should be as adults.

I am a normal weight, but this has changed a few pounds here and there at times. In college, I discovered that if I ate all the junk food I liked, I would put on a few pounds and not feel my best - and having learned that lesson, I know that I am responsible for my weight and to eat a healthy diet.  Nobody is going to do this for me.

When I had babies, I had some extra pounds to lose, and I did lose them. However, thankfully, my H kept his mouth shut. Both of us have had weight fluctuations of a few pounds here or there, and sometimes we will cut back to take care of that, but not obsessively. But it is not my place to manage his weight and vice versa. Also, I didn't marry him on the condition that he kept a 6 pack, and he didn't marry me on the condition that I wear a teeny bikini- thank goodness as that isn't realistic over a lifetime. Nobody wants to see a middle age lady or man in a teeny speedo or bikini. But I think it is realistic that we hope our spouse maintains a reasonably healthy lifestyle to the best of their ability but loves them regardless. I have a good friend who struggles with thyroid issues, and this has changed her size, but her H loves her for who she is.

What I am trying to say is that your wife's weight and size is not your business, responsibility or place to judge. ( neither is yours )And that your involvement in it may not be good for her or you.

[Notwendy]

It is also known that pwBPD are prone to eating disorders and also have poor boundaries. My mother with BPD has been IMHO obsessed about her looks and weight as long as I can recall.

You say she has been working out for 10 years +- she must be in great shape, but regardless, time takes an affect on us, and our task is also to do our best but also to accept that we are not going to look the same at 40 as we did at 20 and that could be tough on someone with BPD.

Yet, my mother's concerns and issues about her appearance are her business. For anyone else to make it their business would probably not be a good thing- an enmeshment of sorts.

Your side of this is to love your wife unconditionally, which means 8 pounds is not a factor in your love for her. The rest is her business/responsibility.

[Cat Familiar]

Having had eating disorders at various points in my life, I'll weigh in. Pun not intended. Fortunately my eating disorders were mild and it was a way of acting out due to various stressors in my life. Once I took care of those issues, the eating disorder faded into the background.

Is there any way you can encourage her to do therapy? Since dealing with the practicalities, such as consulting with the nutritionist and trainer, hasn't made a difference, trying to find the underlying issue might have some effect.

I think we can retain our strength and vitality and our youthful bodies, but as we get older, it takes a lot of work to do so. My motivation is avoiding pain and if I'm sedentary, I hurt. Granted, our metabolism changes as we get older as well as through fasting, or eating less than we need to survive. She is paying the price with the fatigue, which probably makes her think she needs to work out harder.

I would quit enabling her by ironing her clothes and making her lunches. It will be hard for you and you don't want her to deteriorate further, but she may just have to confront whatever her demons are and if you keep helping her, it will take longer for her to have the motivation to do so.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher13, This may sound callus, but I don't see why this is your problem.  Are you taking on your W's issues as your own?  I did this in my marriage to my BPDxW and it nearly crushed me.  No wonder you are whining!  It's OK to be empathetic, but I think it's unhealthy for anyone to carry someone else's pain.  Maybe you are doing this?

LuckyJim

[HurtinNW]

I suggest the weight and exercise issue is separate from her not helping with chores or her own care.

I'd let her deal with her weight however she wants to deal with it. It's her issue. I know my ex was always complaining about his belly. I honestly didn't care, I thought he was so sexy. But pulling me into a discussion about it was a way for not get reassurance, but engage in circular reasoning, and sometimes, find an excuse to get mad at me. So stop enabling it. It doesn't mean be rude, just opt out and be supportive. "I think you look so sexy honey, I have no problem with you." Let her do what she will. 

The not ironing her clothes, you doing her work: that's separate. I agree to stop enabling those things. You may not get her to do it (don't try) but it's like a young child. Let her suffer the natural consequences. If she doesn't make her lunch, it doesn't get made. If she doesn't iron her clothes, they don't ironed.

And as an aside, my BPD mother had horrible eating disorders. Starved herself and constantly complained of being fat. Even as a child I felt it was an effort for her to get attention. If she wasn't finding fault with her kids she would find fault with herself.

And the nutritionists are right. When a person stops eating so much their body goes into starvation mode, and their metabolism crashes. It's why crash diets are so bad. But as you have found out, people with BPD are not good listeners. You can't make her hear what she is not willing to hear.