Deeply unhappy, looking for hope

[iguanamia5]

My husband is not diagnosed with BPD but strongly exhibits BPD traits. We’ve been together two years and have a one year old daughter. Our relationship has been hell almost from the beginning and marrying him is my biggest regret. However I’ve decided to make it work for my daughter’s sake. Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t do that. This is the choice I’ve arrived at after many hours of prayer, therapy, and contemplation. I’ve read every resource for non-BP spouses I could find and it’s given me very helpful tools for the future. But for now I’m just exhausted. My husband is a difficult, miserable person. Would love to hear hopeful stories of things eventually getting better.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Kam1357]

I can relate to your message as my wife had BPD but refuses to see physiologist, married for 6 years and have 2 kids and my life has been hell from day 1...but I also made the decision to stay for the sake of kids ... I have done everything I could to make the relationship work but it seems harder I work worse the situation gets... so now i have decided to see a physiologist for myself on how should i handle someone with BPD rather than trying to treat her which seems impossible...
Not even sure about setting the boundaries as it hast worked for us...we go through the cycle of setting the boundaries and then she keeps crossing them and i keep getting angry and arguing in front of the kids...then again sett the boundaries and go through the same cycle.. I would have left this marriage if it want for the kids...

[once removed]

hi iguanamia5, and

Our relationship has been hell almost from the beginning and marrying him is my biggest regret. However I’ve decided to make it work for my daughter’s sake. Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t do that. This is the choice I’ve arrived at after many hours of prayer, therapy, and contemplation.

we hear you! as challenging as these relationships can be, staying or going is a very personal decision. on this board, we will only do our best to try to help you make the best of a difficult situation.

what are some of the difficulties youre going through right now?

[iguanamia5]

Thank you for the supportive response. My husband is deployed and honestly my biggest struggle is how happy I am with him gone. He’s been 7000 miles away for two months and they’ve been the happiest months I’ve had since I met him. This realization makes my feelings of regret and bitterness especially sharp. We don’t interact much so there’s little to no fighting, which is a huge relief. But in his typical self-centered oblivious way he’ll “forget” to tell me he won’t be available (I’m talking about during his time off which he has total control over) or when we do talk he’ll be playing video games thinking I don’t notice. These two things have been huge conflicts for us our entire relationship. He’s extremely selfish in this way where he patently refuses to understand the discourtesy of what he’s doing. After two very traumatic years with him when this happens I’m extremely triggered and have feelings of not being able to stand dealing with him. I’ve made my choice to keep our family together but am in a lot of pain. I’ve read and am re-reading all the resources for non-BP partners, have my own therapist, and am doing DBT for me. But the sadness of being with him is overwhelming. The regret is consuming.

[CHChuck]

Trouble from the absolute beginning is a way I would also characterize my marriage with my UBPD wife. Months before we were married she stopped being intimate because her job was too stressful and I was constantly fighting with her. I was absolutely dedicated to her and our, eventual, two daughters. I love them and love the 60% of the time things are going well.

In the past month, I've started setting firmer limits and pulling back emotionally. I listen to Stop Walking on Eggshells once a week and do all I can to implement the communication styles I read about in it. I also see a therapist who specializes in PBD.  Ironically, my wife insisted I go to him because she declared I had PBD. Being the obedient spouse, i went...HAH!

If nothing else, I decide I cannot bare this arrangement every other month, instead of every week.  I'm hoping things are improving as well!

[WorksNeverDone]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.  It feels so hopeless.  I've been in that position.  My wife's BPD came to the surface about 5 yrs into our marriage and she began to have affairs and became demeaning and belittling towards me. 
This was right about when our daughter turned 2.  I also decided to stick it out...partly out of delusion, mostly because I didn't want my daughter to grow up as a product of a divorced family.
It's been 10 years since that time.
It's been long and hard.
But, my wife has become aware of her issues and decided that she does not want to be a negative impact on me.  Our ability to communicate and speak openly to each other has improved, dramatically.  I have set up boundaries and we communicate openly about what I will/won't subject myself to within our relationship (no more affairs!).  But we have grown in love and appreciation for each other, which I believe will last whether we remain married or not.
I completely understand your sentiment about feeling better when your husband is away.  When things get really unbearable with me and my wife, she usually takes a trip by herself.  Even though I become a single-parent during that time, managing schedules and work is so much easier than managing the emotional strain that BPD places on our relationship.
Is your husband aware of how you feel?  Have there ever been times where he has been emotionally centered and rational?  I generally try to communicate with my wife about my areas of resentment or anger when she is in a place where she can hear it.  I also try to frame it up from a non-judgemental/non-accusatory place.  "When I perceive you doing/not doing "X," I start to have these thoughts and feel these "Y" emotions."  I also try to affirm that I trust her intentions and don't believe she is doing anything out of malice...it's just the dynamic of how her actions trigger my emotional experience of those actions.