He left me again and I'm breaking

[Bella2798]

My boyfriend wBPD and I have been together for many years. His borderline traits were shown since the second year and we've had many breakups but got back together.

This time I can't understand how he feels and why he acts like this. We were totally fine together just a minute before asking me for a breakup. He said he can't stand me as he couldn't experience other relationships because of being with me when he was young and beautiful, and now he can't have any other experiences or some love because he's fat and not beautiful anymore (he has a chronic skin disease now, which he struggles with a lot these days). Just a little before this happening, he saw something from his ex about mocking him behind his back when they were together and he was feeling bad because of that.

I tried to talk to him and tell him how much I love him and I'll try my best to solve any problems between us and what has hurt him. But he seems like he has put up his guard and doesn't even want to hear from me. He said he is happy with the decision he made for breaking up with me, it seems like all the love he had for me is gone. He said he gets hurt with every sentence we talk!

I don't know how can I help him, I know he doesn't feel well. And I don't know if he'll be back to me. We were planning to move together. I can't understand why he suddenly broke up with me, and this is too painful for me to tolerate, I know we've had breakups before but it's still painful and I don't know how to manage this.

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[Bella2798]

I just wanted to add this because I don't know if I am the irrational one, or others are.
Everyone in Quora is constantly telling me that why should I care when he blames me, and I should put myself over anything else and move on. One of my friends has the same opinion saying that he doesn't want to change and get therapy because if he did want it, he would do it. But little she knows that how can he afford therapy without waiting on long lists? By paying 150 euros for a session? Also, a 10 years relationship is not something I can easily give up on! Specially when we've been in similar situations before. I know he's feeling awful right now. Although I'm blocked by one accounts, he hasn't blocked me on others, so I can see what he shares on social media. I knew that he is suffering because of his BPD before. I can't blame him in any ways.
I'm just too worried and too hurt.

[Cat Familiar]

You cannot *help* him, and even trying to, will be seen by him as demeaning.

If he were motivated to get therapy, and there were no financial barriers, it takes a long time for people with BPD to make significant change. Most don’t want to commit to doing that, even if they are interested in therapy.

If he wants to pursue other relationships, it’s likely that he will now be hesitant to do so, due to his self image.

And 10 years is a long time, but don’t get caught in the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

People demonstrate "a greater tendency to continue an endeavor once an investment in money, effort, or time has been made." This is the sunk cost fallacy, and such behavior may be described as "throwing good money after bad", while refusing to succumb to what may be described as "cutting one's losses".

[Bella2798]

You cannot *help* him, and even trying to, will be seen by him as demeaning.

If he were motivated to get therapy, and there were no financial barriers, it takes a long time for people with BPD to make significant change. Most don’t want to commit to doing that, even if they are interested in therapy.

If he wants to pursue other relationships, it’s likely that he will now be hesitant to do so, due to his self image.

And 10 years is a long time, but don’t get caught in the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

People demonstrate "a greater tendency to continue an endeavor once an investment in money, effort, or time has been made." This is the sunk cost fallacy, and such behavior may be described as "throwing good money after bad", while refusing to succumb to what may be described as "cutting one's losses".

That's the exact thing that has kept me from leaving, beside loving him and all the time and memories we have together. We have discussed it before, and I know he is willing to participate in therapy, he knows there are many problems for him to solve and be committed to do so. Also, we have tried some therapies before when we could afford, before our immigration. Some of them were useless, not knowing even a single thing about BPD more than what is written in Wikipedia. But some others were better, and I could see him changing, even a little bit. Even after that without a therapist, he tried to help himself with what he could find online. Even though he sometimes thinks he's too ruined for any therapies now, but I can see his will to fight for his mental health and this keeps me going forward and willing to help him.

[SaltyDawg]

I am presently in 'sunk cost fallacy' with the current relationship.  I need to navigate out of it.