Xmas Vday Birthday

[hazedandconfused]

So I'm currently separated from my wife with one 4 y.o. child.  I've posted before about story, but to keep it simple... .Married 5 years>:)ivorced Papers Filed almost 1 year>Moved into own place 5 months ago - I see her and my daughter everyday and we've even gone on a few day trips together, (with our daughter) but mostly we don't spend time together.  On weekends, I have our daughter the whole day and it's just us two going around town.  The "relationship" with my wife is up and down based on her moods.  She's said no to couples therapy and even just talking one-on-one.  My guess is she doesn't really want to be divorced, but could be she just doesn't see the rush because it's had no effect on her, though it's damaging to me and our child.

Anyway, this past Xmas (important holiday for her) I got her one significant gift to see if this would spark anything.  She was happy, even telling her parents about the gift (her parents don't know about separation),  but she didn't say thanks and she didn't get me anything.  Today is Vday and I plan to do the opposite and not get her anything.  I did get her one tiny gift that is "from" our daughter.  Not sure how today will go, but I expect no sentiments or thanks.

For her birthday - which has always been a big thing to her in the past - I expect to do nothing because I think rewarding in this situation is not worth it (based on Xmas experience and all the threads I've read).  Am I wrong though?  What would you do in my situation.  Should I still get a small gift "from" my daughter at the very least? 

I don't want to send the message that I'm accepting this status quo.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi hazed,

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not buy a gift for someone who you are not in a relationship with. Valentine's Day is a day for celebrating romantic relationships. A present from your daughter is a very kind and polite thing to do. It would be kind to do the same for her birthday, understanding though, that you are under no obligation to do so.

How do you think she will respond to not getting a present from you?

[Mutt]

Hi hazedandconfused,

I agree with Tattered Heart that you’re  not obligated to get a gift if you’re seperated with no reconciliation. My ex dragged her feet when it came to divorce I didn’t want a messy divorce and wasn’t in another r/s but she was. I think that it still meant that it was an attachment to me.

[hazedandconfused]

Thank you for your feedback. 

So yesterday after the gift was given from our daughter and I was actually given a small valentine's gift too from my daughter.  I was surprised, but then I found out our daughter had told her mom that we got her that gift (when we bought it two weeks ago.) So my guess is my wife only bought something knowing we got her something.  At the very least, good for our daughter to see this behavior vs. everything else.

For her birthday, I think I'll just do the same... .buy something small to give from our daughter.

[Skip]

My guess is she doesn't really want to be divorced, but could be she just doesn't see the rush because it's had no effect on her, though it's damaging to me and our child.

I wouldn't try to message via gifts... .I get your frustration, though.

I think you really have to deal with the elephant in the room... .the fact that you are husband largely in terms of supporting her and not being heard unless spoken too (figuratively).

What is your day to day relationship like? Do you date? Do your share romance?