Intro

[gsm42]

Hello there!

First off, I want to express my gratitude to everyone here.  Were it not for this website, I don't think I would be in a good place.  If this online community is any reflection of the understanding and support that is conveyed on bpdfamily.com, I have a feeling that this will be an incredibly positive experience for me.  This is the first time I've joined such a support group.

I'd like to introduce myself as someone who is trying to leave my romantic partner... .I strongly suspects he has BPD, and actually early on in our relationship, he casually mentioned that one of his past girlfriends suggested that he had it.  I didn't know what BPD was at the time, and it was still early in our relationship that I overlooked this comment.  A couple of weeks ago I started looking into it when I became exasperated with his increasingly puzzling and bordering on abusive behavior.  He recently picked a fight with me, and I've been trying to ignore him ever since.  I feel sad, but learning about BPD has really helped me see the situation from a broader perspective (which has helped).  It's all been so typical... .the intense attachment, then the getting mad for no reason, the hateful words, then the "I love yous", etc.  I feel incredibly tender, and told him that I wasn't ready to talk or see him.  I'm afraid that if I see him that I will get weak in the knees and go through this recycling process.  To deal, I've been drinking too much. I don't want to lose myself. 

Every night, I've read an article on this website.  It's helped me quite a bit. 

Thanks for reading my introductory post.

gsm42

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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Can you tell us more?  How long together, how old are you, married, kids?

Are you interested in learnings tools to help keep peace in the home - make him feel more understood / less defensive or aggressive.

Have you considerations to leave been building over time?  Is it something you are committed to, or just exploring at this time.

How would you rate your hope for the relationship to become favorable on a scale of 1 to a hundred?  How would you have rated it last week?

[gsm42]

Thanks... .we've only been together seven months.  So fortunately no kids and living in different cities.  I'm 42 and he's 37.  He can be so sweet, and when I look at him, I see my soul mate.  Then there are other times when he flies into a fit of jealousy or rage for what seems to me no apparent reason, I am so puzzled.  Who is this person?  What did I do to cause this?  I'm just being me. 

I just read the article, "When a Relationship Breaks Down" and I saw myself as engaging in the "stonewalling" stage.  Great article, btw!  Just trying to stay away until I can get my thoughts together.  I wish I could say that I am 100% committed to leaving (I know it would be the healthy thing to do) but I can't explain how incredibly bonded I feel to him.  I need to work on that. 

On a scale from 1-100 on the hope of this relationship becoming favorable, it's a 30.  Last week it was a 10.  A positive aspect of staying away is that I've had some time to heal and work on myself (I saw a therapist last week) but the downside is that the hurt has subsided a bit, and I miss him. 

Thanks for listening and thanks for all that you do here!   

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, gsm42 and welcome! 

When I first met my dBPDh, I remember feeling that strong pull just like you are feeling. I felt that he was the perfect person for me, and I was addicted. I didn't notice the signs I should have been looking for. It wasn't until I think around 9 months in where I started to put it together... .that something wasn't right with his thinking and behavior. By then... .I loved him fiercely.


pwBPD can be very very charming. They know what to say and how to say it to make us feel special.

I am glad to hear you are taking some time to take care of yourself and are going to therapy. For me, I'm still working on that part. I've been a caregiver my whole 35 years of life... .so it's hard to change. But, using the tools here and working on my communication skills, our marriage is a heck of a lot better

[gsm42]

Thank you ColdEthyl!  I can't tell you how much it means to hear about your experience.  I don't feel so alone. 

I'm so glad to hear that your marriage is much improved!  You're right... .the tools here are incredibly helpful.

Cheers to you!   

[DreamerGirl]

Hi gsm42, welcome to a wonderful community where you will feel understood and not judged as we have all walked in similar shoes... .

I have been with my BPDbf for just over 3 years now. 

I have also used alcohol as a way to cope with the emotions he has bought out in me, so I do totally understand you.  My therapist has explained that I have always tried to avoid my feelings, so alcohol has been just one of the many dysfunctional methods I have used.  I'm aware of it, I still do it at times, but not as much.

We are still in our honeymoon phase.  For my relationship to work with him, it has to be honeymoon the majority of the time.

I questioned his behavior over and over in my head over the years, because it just didn't make sense how he could be loving one moment and spiteful the next.

Like you, around 7 months I was ready to leave him.  He had displayed some very disturbing behaviors to me and I had decided I needed to leave, but, he is very charming and very loving and he knew exactly which buttons to push to re-engage me.  The loving side of him is exactly what I love... .

I have also dealt with the abuse, not really physically, so I think I understand how you feel, I kept thinking in the first year, I would not put up with anybody else treating me this way, why am I now.  That's where this community has been my life safer.  Learning about myself and learning to be kinder to myself for some of my choices.

My BPDbf has picked so many fights and accused me of so many things, many imagined and bizarre things.  I used to get very upset, and defend myself, which would always turn into a very bad ending, him dramatically storming out followed by days and days of silent treatment... .These days, I do not JADE (justify/argue/defend/engage) with him (90%) and there has been a really good shift to more positive communication between us.  I listen to him to on and on, understand how he is feeling, empathize with his bad feelings and let him know that I'm sorry you feel that way, I would feel like that too if I thought you or someone else had done that to me etc... .

Are you in therapy of any kind?

What is it that he brings out in you, the feelings that make you want to be with him?