Hurt again...

[msh28]

The only advice I need is how to get her back as she obviously has feelings somehow, no matter how much she tries to turn them off but each time I try to talk her round, she isn't have any of it. I just want to get back together with her as what we had was good but she just can't see that, I dunno if she's got someone else (she says she hasnt) so why not give it a try? baffles me... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

The only advice I need is how to get her back

members have given you a lot of advice in this regard. can you summarize some of what youve taken in?

[msh28]

members have given you a lot of advice in this regard. can you summarize some of what youve taken in?

Give her space and then ghost her... .

Although I don't know if this will work since the last time I had any contact with her was two days ago when she slammed the door in the face and told me to move on. The day before that she told me she loved me, so maybe I shouldn't of showed up and just given her space but that was my normal reaction. Now I'm being ignored again.

[once removed]

Give her space and then ghost her... .

i dont recommend ghosting her. just stop chasing, and begging.

give her space because she has requested (demanded) it. showing up at her work and home will not only push her away, it can escalate into legal territory. you dont want that.

but the advice youve been given has not been limited to giving her space. if you give her space and then continue with the same behaviors, the result will be the same. on the contrary, you should use that time to learn more about the disorder, about yourself, and focus on self improvement.

have you been reading about the lessons and tools we have here, or perhaps through the posts of other members? do you have any questions about them?

[msh28]

It's just confusing her telling me to give her space, it's been over a month of us going round in circles with her behaviour (pushing and pulling) talking to me and then ignoring me... .

I could understand if we broke up a couple of weeks ago but I feel as though I've left it enough time.

I know what I did wrong now, I cared too much. I also have personal problems which may have contributed towards it (my own stress) that still haven't been resolved but I was thinking that if she loved me she would be with me and it should be simple I shouldn't have to talk to her she should message me, surely?

Do they just move on like nothing happened? Or do they actually see the good in certain people? Because I felt like we had a real connection, maybe she never felt the same way, I don't know.

[once removed]

it is confusing. learning more about the disorder will help you with a lot of these questions. you have the keys here, msh.

[Lollypop]

MSH

I spend my time on the Parenting Board; it has changed my life. I learnt that I cannot change anybody - only myself and how I react. 

My dear man, my heart goes out to you and it's no wonder you're feeling so very confused and bereft. There's just been so much for you to cope with since last August and I'm terribly sorry about this and your current situation. You sound like a very caring person and I can see that you've been highly emotional for some time.

It's just confusing her telling me to give her space, it's been over a month of us going round in circles with her behaviour (pushing and pulling) talking to me and then ignoring me... .

I could understand if we broke up a couple of weeks ago but I feel as though I've left it enough time.

You haven't left it enough time. There are no quick fixes.

I was thinking that if she loved me she would be with me

Yes, you're correct.

I felt like we had a real connection

That must hurt terribly.


She cannot help the way she behaves.

I don't believe you are listening MSH.

Would you like me to try and help you?

Hugs

LP

[msh28]

I'm trying to read and take in what everyone is saying but I still feel like I'm missing something.

If she did love me, she would be with me, no? So why do I need to give her space? On the times we've met up after she dumped me saying she couldn't trust me, she actually looked like she gave a ___ and showed me some affection but then, stupidly, when I turned up at her house thinking I could see her, she went crazy and said move on. Now she's ignoring my messages again.

Yeah, I would appreciate any help, LP - because I am not in a good position here. If the reason was that she couldn't trust me (for a reason that I don't know) that doesn't make sense how she's turned off her feelings so quickly after breaking up with me.

She has seemed to find it so easy while I'm the one who's struggling. She's been so cruel and nasty and she can't even remember the good times we shared.

[asiyah93]

"So why do I need to give her space?"

I'm not BPD but I am an introvert and an empath and I need my space, no matter how much I love someone. The human condition is not that simple. It is possible for a person to love someone deeply and truly and still want space from them. I'm not saying that's the case with your person, msh. I simply wanted to open you up to the possibility that needing space even when in love and wanting to be with someone does exist and may be natural for some.

[heartandwhole]

Hi msh28,

This kind of situation hurts so intensely—I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know how confusing and excruciating the push/pull dynamics can be. It can feel like a rollercoaster that has gone off the rails, or a merry-go-round that never stops. The only thing to do in these cases is to move toward the center, where things are calm and you can get your bearings again.

You might want to ditch the whole idea of "getting her back." Trying to control someone's behavior, or your own, in order to secure a certain outcome is a recipe for more pain, because in the blink of an eye, the other person can decide differently, and leave you with even more hurt than before. Every minute you are focusing on your girlfriend and how to make things go back to the way they were before is a minute lost to the person (you) who can change his circumstances.

I think the best thing you can do, as many others have said, is take this opportunityto step back, take a breath, learn about yourself and BPD, and feel your feelings. Her asking for space is doing you a favor. There is plenty to do, msh28, but none of it includes showing up or communicating with your girlfriend uninvited.

Can you press PAUSE on trying to control this situation and shift the focus onto something else? I promise it will help. 

heartandwhole

[msh28]

I will have to step back and I've read a lot about BPD but my thinking is that, if me and her are not going to get back together, I will not fall for someone else who has this disorder... .

It truly is the sickest thing I've ever experienced in life, being lied to and then being thrown away like a used tyre, seems like I wasted all of my time reassuring someone of my love while she was doing whatever the f*** she was doing behind my back, it just doesn't add up in my head and the more I read, the more I question things.

But she'll never give me the answers I want. I feel so f**king angry that I've been led on, lied to and deceived by such a sick and twisted person. I hope she gets her Karma, if it really does exist.

People with BPD who can't admit it to themselves need to be locked up because they cause more pain than anything. Basically she offloaded all of her sh** and messed up stories of things that have happened to her, onto me.

And the funniest part is, I was the one who was made to look like the crazy one. I was the one who almost committed suicide but still, silent treatment. The worst thing you can do to a person.

I'm even starting to wonder if I have BPD after all of this, I definitely don't feel normal how I was before I moved in with her. I'm now the needy one, feeling like I NEED HER to make things better and she's just being a cruel b****.

[Meili]

I would like to remind everyone that on Staying we are focused on constructive problem solving and our own personal growth and compassion. We are striving to provide leadership in our relationships and to manage them as well as we can.

Therefore, we,
~ Do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner's behavior without seeking constructive relationship advice.
~ Do not seek validation for your position in a family quarrel without seeking constructive ways to resolve conflict.
~ Do not discuss leaving the relationship, or  physically staying in the relationship while emotionally detaching and shutting down.
~ Do not develop topics that encourage other members to share negative aspects of staying.

These topics should be hosted on other boards.

[Skip]

Those are just normal reactions are they not? I mean, she's adamant I'm doing the wrong things all the time but those are just normal responses, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

msh28,

If she is getting the same vibe you are communicating here, she is going to be gone and over the hill. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I do want to get your attention. You're giving off a "weak, needy, and clueless about women" vibe. It's probably your anxiety getting the better of you.

Your first priority is to not make this worse. Right now that means doing nothing, getting yourself calm, and then engaging the members here in a discussion of how to get this on a better track.

Can you do this?

To be in a relationship like this you have to be strong and you have to have very keen people skills. There is work to do.

[msh28]

Hey people,

I explained that I kept showing up at my ex-gf's house and calling her etc. I haven't contacted her in two days after she ignored my messages and I am not going to contact her again since she slammed the door in my face.

Is there any way to redeem myself or is the damage done? I've already made myself appear needy but I wasn't sure what else to do as she keeps dropping hints that she misses me but then disappearing again.

What should I do, just ignore her?

[Emotions]

Remember msh I'm in the same boat as you. You can regain your own dignity by not texting her for let's start with 10 days... .once you begin this you will realize that it's her loss too. You Just as good of a person even without her around. (Probably better) She may or may not come to realize your good qualities again, but YOU will begin to remember  them. Once you do, you actually have a choice if she tries to contact you. In which case you might not even think of her the same way. You have to let her go (not forever) but for what we would consider a long time. Long enough to change your current perspective. I actually called my exBPD mom again at her work and left a message. It helped a little for me, but I wish I didn't have to, I was just trying to get the craving out of my head. I'm thankful for my time apart from my exBPD and although I would go another few rounds in the ring with her, I would have such a better chance at being happy. Good luck and control your negative emotions at all cost.

[Meili]

As others have said, the best chance at saving the relationship is for you to focus on yourself right now and your dignity. I realize that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true.

I did the same as you and chased, begged, cried, and pleaded. In my mind, I thought that I was showing her how much I loved her. It actually had the opposite effect. What it showed her was that I cared more about my own feelings (the desire to have the hurt soothed) than hers. It showed her that I wasn't strong enough to be in a relationship with her. And, it showed that she could treat me any way that she wanted to treat me and I'd be begging her to come back and give me more.

People who present BPD traits tend to live in a world governed by emotions. Fears are very powerful emotions. Thus, pwBPD need to feel safe. Having a partner that is clingy and needy does not provide them with a sense of strength. This makes the partner less attractive to the pwBPD.

As I said, I did the whole chasing thing; I think that many of us here have. That was before we knew any better though. We were doing the best that we could with the tools that we had available at the time. There is no shame in that. It just means that we needed to learn new, healthier tools.

[msh28]

Is there any way for my BPD ex to see me in a more positive light (like before) after I've already been discarded?

Do they come back ever? Do they miss us at all? Or is it once we're out of the way, the forget us completely?

I'm only asking because I'm plotting some form of revenge (not physical or anything to break the law) but I don't want to carry it out if there is a chance she still has feelings for me and isn't the cold hearted b**** that she's behaving like at this point in time.

[Tottie]

Why you want revenge? She has a personality disorder, she already live in pain.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey msh28: 

Is there any way for my BPD ex to see me in a more positive light (like before) after I've already been discarded?  Do they come back ever? Do they miss us at all? Or is it once we're out of the way, the forget us completely?

I'm so sorry about the hurt you are experiencing.  There isn't a way to predict whether she will come back.  Give her some time and space.  Without that, you push her away further.

I'm only asking because I'm plotting some form of revenge (not physical or anything to break the law) but I don't want to carry it out if there is a chance she still has feelings for me and isn't the cold hearted b**** that she's behaving like at this point in time.

Sounds like you need to do some venting.  You will only cause yourself more grief and problems if you aim for revenge.  Write out what you are feeling and what you would like to do, but don't actually do those things.  You can post your rant here (you are anonymous), or you can write in some form of a journal (written or electronic form). Some people write out their thoughts (handwritten or printed out), and then destroy it in some manner. 

Don't launch a vindictive smear in social media, or whatever vindictive actions you are considering.  Be the emotionally intelligent one.  In hindsight, you will feel better about it.

[msh28]

Every time I've messaged her she's opened the message and just ignored it.

I mean, sh** I must of meant nothing at all to this person, thing, whatever it is.

[msh28]

Why you want revenge? She has a personality disorder, she already live in pain.

She seems pretty happy to me, seemed pretty happy that day after she dumped me.

[GuySmiley]

It's natural to want to hurt them back because they hurt us too.

But don't - there's a million ways it can turn against you, and regardless of the way she treated you she can end up looking like the wronged party - and there's nothing more that BPDs like than to jab and provoke their nons into exploding and then they can stand back looking like the injured party and you're left looking like a fool and flailing for others to see your side of the story - which they won't.

I suggest you work on accepting the harsh truth of the situation and try to move forward and don't dwell on ways to get our own back, because believe me I speak from experience, that sh*t will eat you up and become toxic to you.

[msh28]

Here I am, unemployed, stressed, probably looking at the end of my sex life or a very sh*t one at least (if you read my other thread) in my 20's, and she's just carrying on with no guilt or remorse for the way she's treated me. Slagging me off behind my back, ignoring me, blocking and deleting me from her.life like I meant nothing all along and it was just a sick illusion or just killing time.

I almost commit suicide over it all, all the stress and how worthless I feel because of the way it was done and she is still out there not giving a sh**.

How can I begin to get my head around the fact there are such sick and twisted people in the world who have no idea what it's like to be completely destroyed and lied to, pretending they love you so they can just use you, really... .

I can't even hope that she will change her mind because, as I've read on these boards, they don't even think of you once you are out of the way.

[Skip]

I'm only asking because I'm plotting some form of revenge (not physical or anything to break the law) but I don't want to carry it out if there is a chance she still has feelings for me and isn't the cold hearted b**** that she's behaving like at this point in time.

You really want her back.

First you make unannounced appearance at her work and home.

Now you are plotting revenge or an attack of some kind.

Honest questions... .

Do you think this will get her back?
Do you think this make you feel less hurt?

[msh28]

No, to both questions... .

But I am still struggling to come to terms with it and it feels like some sort of sick joke.

[msh28]

Question... .

Do they ever think of us when they are with their replacements? Little things we do or things that our replacements don't do that we did etc?

[Skip]

msh28,

This is the Saving board... .do you want to talk about how to not make matters worse? Do the best you can to save this? We talked about strength and people skills.

Also, earlier you said there was no indication of another party involved.

Skip

[msh28]

I am trying to save this but every time I explain myself I feel like she doesn't listen and we're going round and round in circles. There are some things that she's convinced herself of and I can't seem to explain myself no matter how hard I try that it's just not true. It's like banging my head off of a brick wall... .

I am now suffering from some kind of sexual dysfunction that I think may be permanent and she won't believe that it's something I can't change and not the fact that I find her unattractive. Why would anyone be with someone they found unattractive? I am honestly in the worst possible position to try and make her understand, she was coming to the hospital with me about it all and then suddenly changed her mind and convinced herself I ain't attracted to her anymore... .

Also, I'm not sure if there is another party involved but it seems like it could be possible. 
 

[Meili]

Because what you have been trying to do hasn't been working, why not try something new?

No one likes being told that he/she is wrong. Your trying to explain your side of things is doing just that to her. So, rather than trying to get her to see your view, why not stop doing that?

Around here, we refer to what you wrote as JADE'ing. It is a very common reaction when we are falsely accused of something. As explained in the article that I just linked, when we try to Justify, Argue, Defend, and/or Explain. When we stop doing these things, it tends to end the circular arguments for there is nothing to argue about anymore.

After you read the link, let us know if you're open to trying to not JADE. We know that it's hard not to do, but many of us have learned to stop doing it, so you can learn to as well.

[msh28]

How am I supposed to get her back without explaining my side of the story?

She dumped me because she cannot trust me, apparently but I'm not buying it.

It just makes no sense. I gave her no reason not to trust me.