it sounds like your feelings are at odds with your logic?
This is my problem. I'm actually having a moment of clarity right now. I
know that she never intentionally did anything to hurt me. She even helped me try to save my job. I think she does feel very bad about everything she's done. Her last email to me ended with "I truly with the best for you," and I think she meant it. Any yet, when I think her in bed with him, I hate her. Its especially hard knowing the role he played in my being fired. I feel betrayed. I don't know how to reconcile the caring part of her with the woman who can do some very hurtful things without feeling an ounce of remorse about it. Sometimes I actually want to believe that she was just using me, and there was nothing sincere about her. Things would be a whole lot easier. That way I can angry with her. Its hard for me to stay angry when I know how troubled she is, but the anger is what I need. The anger helps me detach from her. When I start thinking that she did actually have genuine feelings for me, the anger dissipates and I fall right back into the guilt of having destroyed the relationship, of not being good enough, and thinking about all the things I could have and should have done differently. The anger helps me move on from this, but the downside is that when I'm angry I start thinking about revenge, etc. Today I covered the whole emotional spectrum, going from loving her and missing her, to outright hating her and thinking about calling the husband and telling him about the affair just to get back at them both. I'm a complete mess.
