Special situation?

[amja77]

I have a question: I've noticed that many of you on this board have a relationship with a fairly "functional" pwBPD.

I, on the other hand, do not have a functional BPDbf. He is an alcoholic, on disability and can barely get by in life. Yet, he's charming, good-looking, witty, and funny.

Now, my question is, how many of you have dealt with a low-functioning pwBPD? What were the circumstances? How long have you/did you stay with them? Did it take starting a life together to prove to yourself that they'd never be capable of creating a stable family life? How "low" was their functioning?

[maxsterling]

I consider my dBPDgf to be very low functioning.  We've been together almost a year, and honestly she has drained me, and my gut says my life would be happier and more rewarding if this relationship were to end.  I'm just lost in confusion right now and know I need to work on myself before shaking things up again. 

She hasn't worked since she went into the mental hospital for a week at beginning of September.  And I have learned since that she has never had a job that she kept up for more than 6 months.  She hates all her bosses and co-workers, and has huge issues with friends and boyfriends.  She can't go through a single day without some kind of emotional crisis, can't seem to even drag herself to the store or to exercise or do anything because of anxiety, depression, and self-loathing. 

She was a drug addict, and while she no longer does drugs, it's plainly obvious she is currently filling that void by shopping and eating.  And before that, she filled that void by sleeping around.  So, she is still very much addicted.  She's filed for bankruptcy once, has 100k in student loans, and currently having debt issues from not working the past 7 months.

My honest opinion after a year - she will NEVER be able to take care of herself on her own.  She will NEVER be able to manage her money.  She will NEVER overcome her addictions.  She will NEVER be able to hold down a full time job.

[amja77]

Wow, that reminds me of my BPDbf.

He's never held a job for more than 6 months, as well. He's been on disability since the age of 20. He's 30 now.

He lives in a run-down apartment, infested with drunks and drug-dealers. He lets homeless people stay at his place if they pay him or give him booze.

He even has an authorized payee to deal with his money, but he spends it right away. He's impulsive, so if he even has a little bit of money, he'll spend it on something stupid.

He has no aspirations, no dreams. He feels that his fate is to live the way he does forever.

It just baffles me though how he can act as if he is fine, fun-loving and sweet to those who don't really know him. I know his flaws, demons and indiscretions. But he feels he needs to hold this facade of being a "good" person who has been dealt with a bad deck of cards... . apparently none of this is due to his own choices.

[maxsterling]

amja - that's what gets me about this illness - the failure to recognize that they have choices in life, and that their misery is caused in part by their own bad choices.  My girlfriend is depressed because no man has ever asked her to marry him.  Yet, she says she really wanted some guy to ask her, so she tried to make him jealous by dating other men.  And she can't figure out why that guy would not ask her to marry him... .

She has a few dreams, but doesn't understand that she has to make changes and proper choices to achieve those dreams.  She will start getting disability money again soon, but already she is talking about how much she will be "earning".  Umm, she isn't "earning" anything.  Doesn't she want to be independent, happy, and in control over her own life?  Sometimes I think her misery is her identity, and being happy makes her uncomfortable.  Right now, the only things she wants in life are me, and a baby.  I think she feels a baby will make her happy. 

[amja77]

wow, my BPDbf wants a baby, as well!

His past few relationships involved single mothers. He would always get attached to the children, yet he never took the responsibility of becoming a proper role model. It's as if they think a child will save them.

I might be pregnant with my BPDbf's child and I am terrified. Part of me thinks, well, maybe he will change for this child but the other part of me thinks, should I risk the development of this child? Is he going to destroy our child or help our child?

Right now, we're fighting and I don't know why. After asking him if he wanted to break up he texted with an "I dunno." It's just strange. The other night he wanted me to get pregnant, have a family, etc. Last night... . totally different story.