Daughter, 24 won’t pay own phone bill

[Crying inside]

Hi, my dd was dx with BPD in 2021.  She completed a year long outpatient DBT program in March and has improved significantly.. We still have our battles, but this one I don’t want her to win.  When I told her I’m taking her off the phone bill that my husband pays every month all hell broke loose.  She said she is saving her disability money (and small amount money from an online job) to pay car insurance when she buys a car.  This phone bill would be 84.00/month.  She doesn’t pay rent but buys her own food, clothes toiletries etc.   her disability is 820 a month.  She started a whole rant over text about why are we making her pay it when she isn’t like other 24 year olds:  I don’t want her using BPD as a crutch.   She’s texting me now saying the phone thing is bad timing bc she is worried about returning to school after a 2 year absence due to her mental issues.  She had to do a medical withdrawal from classes after her hospitalization in 2021.  Should I keep pushing the phone bill thing or drop it. I don’t see any reason why she can’t pay it.  She lives with us and we don’t ask to for a dime for utilities, or rent and we didn’t with her 4 siblings when they lived with us. but they all paid their own phone bill at 21.  How do I handle this without causing a blowup and saying something I’m going to regret?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Crying inside
I've been thinking about this quite a lot. I'm not sure if you have already decided to hold the line on this (you say it is something you don't want her to win).

There has clearly been very good progress in how things are going and dd is taking responsibility for food, clothes etc.

The step back into college I think is enormous and dd would be constantly stressed having this at the back of her mind. I know just paying for the phone is not really a big thing, but anything is big for someone with bpd.

I can only say what I think I would do in this situation. I would tell dd that I understand that getting back into the college routine will be stressful and how about she take over the responsibility of her phone payment when she has had time to settle into that - say in xx months time.

Just a thought . . .

[Crying inside]

Thank you, Sancho for giving me a much need different perspective on this issue.  I’m going to follow your advice and let her settle into school and set a later date for her taking over her phone bill.    Thank you !

[memom23]

We are several years in to this BPD journey, and I have been played by my daughter too many times to count. She is articulate, compelling and effective in making her arguments (I've suggested law as a career more than once!) and has talked me into things I never should have agreed to.

In my humble opinion, your daughter is doing the same thing - telling you all the reasons why she can't. She can pay that bill. $84 is a small amount of money relative to the rent, utilities and other charges she is NOT paying. It's a great opportunity to hold the line and have her take responsibility for a charge that is uniquely hers, especially when you're simply enforcing a rule that applied to all your other kids. Paying is enabling - don't do it! My .02 cents only!

[Crying inside]

Thank you for replying.  I find my daughter tends to have a sense of entitlement at times.  Is that a BPD trait?

[AcheyMom]

It’s definitely a trait with my daughter.  She is 33 and still feels entitled to all of our resources.  Time, money and special treatment are what she expects regardless of how she treats us (basically awful).

[EllieC]

Yes entitlement is certainly a trait I notice too in my DD25. And every relationship that has blown up on her, boyfriends, friends, employers, sibling, etc, all end up telling her she is so entitled!