BPD ex destroyed my dingnity

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I just wanted to set an example of what could happen to you if you dont get out of a BPD rs in time.

I left my BPD ex gf 8 months ago and since I've met a new girl who was wonderful we were a match made in heaven. At first all was good until I received a message from my ex congratulating for my new found love. Then the messages got regular and I was stupid enough to follow slowly i was led and fell into her trap I told my new gf about my ex and how she was affecting me. I still had feelings for her I started to reply with emotional messages untill a point where I wanted to sit down with my gf and talk about it and decide about our relationship I told my ex about this as I wanted to be fair for all of us and this was my biggest mistake ex called gf and before i could do anything the relationship was ruined beyond repair. I asked the ex why she did this. The answer was: I just wanted to see the truth and I figured you were playing with my feelings. Now I should mention that she has a bf too who I could talk to but I won't as I don't want to ruin his life too she will dothat herself The moral of this story. No matter how convincing they appear they WILL betray you and hurt you big time!

[Lostinspace77]

Hi,

I just wanted to set an example of what could happen to you if you dont get out of a BPD rs in time.

I left my BPD ex gf 8 months ago and since I've met a new girl who was wonderful we were a match made in heaven. At first all was good until I received a message from my ex congratulating for my new found love. Then the messages got regular and I was stupid enough to follow slowly i was led and fell into her trap I told my new gf about my ex and how she was affecting me. I still had feelings for her I started to reply with emotional messages untill a point where I wanted to sit down with my gf and talk about it and decide about our relationship I told my ex about this as I wanted to be fair for all of us and this was my biggest mistake ex called gf and before i could do anything the relationship was ruined beyond repair. I asked the ex why she did this. The answer was: I just wanted to see the truth and I figured you were playing with my feelings. Now I should mention that she has a bf too who I could talk to but I won't as I don't want to ruin his life too she will dothat herself The moral of this story. No matter how convincing they appear they WILL betray you and hurt you big time!

[Washisheart]

I don't know how I feel about blaming this on your ex. As a  woman, if I found out my boyfriend was conversing with his ex about feelings he still had for her, my gut reaction would be to get out before he leaves me. Not only that, but I dont want sunstone who still carries emotional baggage for someone else. I would feel betrayed that these conversations were going on behind my back. And I would not trust you.

My advice to you would be to stay single & do some no strings attached dating until you are sure you are over her.

[Lostinspace77]

She has done similar before and I was being honest told my gf and wanted to discuss but she jumped in before me to make sureI am destroyed. She was sweet as a few hours prior. I am surely over her now.

[Washisheart]

Yea but you need to understand, you're talking to your new gf about feelings you have for the ex. And still talking to your ex about these feelings. Think from the perspective of a non who has only ever dealt with nons. The situation is not kosher and in her mind you are probably wasting her time.

You can't blame this on your ex. She found out you moved on, for whatever reason she decided to stir your emotions, You responded. Nobody made you. And surely nobody made you spill your heart. That was your decision. You and only you are solely responsible for your actions.

Just like I have to accept that everything my uBPDxbf put me through is not 100% his fault. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, and I allowed him to come back when he had already shown me what he is capable of.

[almost789]

Hi Lostinspace,

I've followed your story from before. I agree with washisheart. Nobody destroys your dignity unless you allow them to. I think most of us recommended you leave your ex alone because you now had a great girl you said you really liked. You instead followed along with the ex who you knew had major issues. We did tell you how dangerous this was going to be if your new girl found out you still had feelings for your ex. Now I can only imagine when the two of them got together, what they shared about what you were saying to both of them! And now you lost you new great girl. Its a lesson learned. You are not destroyed. You will get over it. Learn from your mistake and look forward to a bright new 2013. Look at it this way, maybe the new girl wasn't really a match made in heaven if you were still pinning for the ex. This is the trouble with starting new relations before you sorted your old one.

[HardTruth]

Really sorry about what happened.  From your earlier posts it seemed like things were headed this way, one way or the other.  What a huge lesson to learn. 

How did your exBPD get your current gf's number?  Did she get a hold of your phone when you weren't looking, and then called your gf when you two parted?

You were looking for either closure or hope when you got together with your exBPDgf  - what happened in that conversation? 

Your exBPD is not to be trusted.  She only has her own self-interest in mind and not yours.  Ever.  How sad.  Now you have to recover from the loss of hope for her, and the loss of your current gf as well.  I'm really sorry.

[HardTruth]

I posted a passage on attachment - Buddhist word for what we would probably call addiction - on the Building Healthy Relationships board under What is the Love we're looking for?  I don't know if you would find that interesting or helpful or not.

I have been in the same place as you - chasing and yearning after a love that couldn't be returned.  It is COMPELLING.  I traded that for spending time trying to find a truly loving relationship.  I'm in my mid-40's now and have been working on myself for years trying to retrain my brain and not be caught in that compelling addictive feeling again... .  which leads to so much sadness and abandonment and loss.  It has gotten SO much better (ha ha!  although you might not know it cuz I'm on this site!   ) 

I pray that we all find wholeness inside ourselves, and thus create positive and loving relationships with those around us.

[almost789]

Hi lostinspace,

Hope you are doing well. How did your new girl end up talking to your old girl? I do remember on one of the last posts you said your new girl was going to ask your old girl, for your old girl to give you closure. I thought that very different strategy. Is that what happend? Did she start talking with her in that respect? And then perhaps it lead somewhere else?  I too am sorry for what happened. But don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes, for sure, whats important is that we own our part so that we can learn from them and change our behavior for next time.That is what really creates positive change.