Hello folks, and thanks in advance for reading about my disastrous situation! I'll try to be brief, but it is a long story one way or another.
Married for five years. She (wife) is nearing 40 and a naturalized immigrant, known her since childhood. She was an outgoing person and very comfortable traveling to the states solo, amiable to all.
We have a four year old daughter. Our marriage was mostly good, though with some problems, mostly related to my severe lack of social skills and her severe
gatekeeper parenting.
A death in her non-nuclear family back home mid 2015 initiated a change of personality for her, which started with intense paranoia and mood changes, later developing into even more severe gatekeeping, alienation, and other things listed below. My therapist & I are at a loss concerning what it might be. BPD makes some sense, though also doesn't. The cases for:
• She has zero empathy to me or our kid. She places her needs ahead of everyone else's, and isn't aware of it.
• Nothing is her fault, everything is others'. She is guiltless and flawless.
• Extremely polarized thinking.
• Things I/others say are often twisted against me/them (this is a thing she's had since as long as I've known her).
• Previously, it was damn near impossible to keep her happy. However, I've basically stopped trying, and she's milder about some things.
• We have no constructive conversations, period. For a year my therapist has recommended reasoning tips, and books with more info, nothing works.
• She accuses me of saying or doing things that didn't happen, or exaggerates/rearranges facts.
• We have zero connection. However, she loves me and thinks the only thing wrong with us is my failure to love her back, which she often forgets, assuming I love her.
• She completely ignores any complaint I have about anything. If I budge enough, she'll find a workaround, but never hear me out, and revert as soon as I shut up.
Cases against:
• Despite difficult personality quirks (which I married. I don't want to sound judgmental here), things weren't disorderly till mid 2015, and it's really unusual for BPD to switch on after 30.
• Not impulsive to a fault. Takes her forever to make a decision. No promiscuity, no physical harm to anyone, no intense interests beyond being a mom.
• The relationship doesn't feel like an emotional rollercoaster, however I think I've just been dulled to not caring?
• There is little resilience in her personality. I read that BPD people are good at making others look nutty, this is not the case (though she tries).
So if you want the proper lingo, UstbxBPDw is the person I'm married to and parenting with. I'd rather say Ustbx?w honestly. BPD aside, here are some other specifics:
• Our relationship is fully dead as far as I'm concerned, and mostly just fine to her. She won't listen if I say something is wrong.
• I've been seeing a family therapist for a year now. She absolutely refuses to go, because she's fine. She's clearly said she would rather divorce than go.
• She is completely isolated. Become distant to her family/friends and hostile to everyone else. "Just the three of us" is something she often says.
• Wants our kid to be isolated with her. Doesn't allow her alone with anyone, ever, with the sole exception of preschool, which she h-a-t-e-s.
• Last year preschool was hard, this year it's unsustainable so far. She enters the classroom and monitors her child. Asked to leave, shuts her ears.
• She constantly monitors me and/or the kid. As I type, our daughter is playing with Legos and the wife is staring at us. I've told her this creeps me out, to no avail, and have given up.
• Inhibits her independence. Teachers her to be scared so that mom is always around. Spoonfeeds her boring, overcooked boiled meat/starch for almost every meal.
• Has aversions to the color red, the number six, anything left, anything sour, and other things.
• Segregates our toy collection based on what she purchased, and what I or anyone else did.
• A million absurd household rules I needn't describe.
• Except for over the top control over eating, she imparts no discipline at all, and shuts me down when I try.
• Manipulates her thinking.
My question, finally. What are my chances of favorable custody? Yes, I've basically decided to divorce at this point. The preschool situation is the bucket of lead that broke the camel's back, they're painfully considering asking us to stop attending. My kid's well-being is my number one concern in life, and she
will grow up screwed up if it's only mom in her life. Mom wants to homeschool her, not let her have friends, avoid people in general, be scared of things, and be always attached. She is extremely focused on raising a kid in a home and nothing else. We have next to no electronic or other records of any behavior, preschool is the exception.
I'm good at not being a pushover. I stay at home a lot, not working very much, and take our kid to playdates or other outings despite her protests. I reject her attempts to control me and the kid as much as I can. I'm very active in our kid's life, and working on my social skills problem, loosely friends with several other parents now and friendly with the preschool staff. Our kid loves me and is well attached to me, however is about as attached to mom. They are close.
Bad custody terrifies me. What would you do? I've read cases here of a parent showing clear abuse getting custody. Do I have a strong case? I'm so scared
