Hello all.
Hopefully someone can point me in the right direction.
Even without being directed towards learning my part of the dysfunctional dance of my relationship with my diagnosed ex (not BPD, but another PD) - I had started to self reflect and know what part I played in our relationship falling apart. We had been together for close to twenty years before she did get a diagnosis (but by then it was too late... . nothing I could have done could have "fixed" the rupture).
I had looked at my own history to see why I would allow myself to stay in such an up/down relationship (which, of course, lead me back to my FOO). I understand that part. And I'm somewhat willing to accept a level of co-dependency... . but
1. I have been reading a lot on co-dependency and I seem to fit the exact opposite of what a codependent is. Maybe that is one reason we had such terrible fights and feelings of invalidation because I wasn't playing codependent. But if that is the case (and this leads to the question)... .
2. Even without the diagnosis... . I did love my wife - and when things were great, they were GREAT. So what was I suppose to do? LEave? Throw the baby out with the bath water?
I do know that a lot of what had happened over the years was a slow "normalization" - or it was suppose to be... . but I always railed against it. Yes, I got to a point where I wanted to watch my words and actions not to set her off - but I didn't want to do it (and most times I didn't). I figured if I was damned if I do and damned if I don't... . well then I'm going to say what I feel (short of leaving).
So... . what exactly was I suppose to do?
Perhaps there is nothing you could have done, have you thought about that?
Your situation sounds similar to mine. There was no real "honeymoon" phase with mine. Maybe for her, but we had problems right from the start. I resisted and resisted because I knew something was wrong, and to a large extent, refused to play the game. We lasted almost 6 years (she moved out early last month, but it "ended" between mid August and early Oct.), but the exponential decay started a little over a year ago. A friend of mine noticed our father/daughter dynamic for a long time. He also noticed over a year ago that I was standing up for myself more and taking more control (which my uBPDx always stated she wanted me to do as The Man... . sure, right, over a Waif Queen?). Two years ago, I encouraged her to start her own retirement account. I felt it slipping and me thinking to myself, "there is no way I want to retire with this woman. But what do I do, leave now? Or let things regress naturally?"
So, like you, I don't think I knew what to do. I strengthened my bulwarks, stood up as being a responsible parent for our children rather than going out partying. I let her do that. So she stopped mirroring me and mirrored a young college student, blatantly immature even for his age (comparing myself at the same age), to attach to him.
I cut her adrift emotionally (as we all know, "abandonment" for a BPD, so in this her accusation of me is correct in a way) to fend for herself as an adult mother and career woman. I underestimated the power and influence of the 3 year old abandoned girl inside. There was nothing I could do but postpone th einevitable. "Everyone cheats" "Everyone leaves (abandons)" That is what she wrote in one of her journals. In a sense, she was right about what she said to me "Maybe this
had to happen." No, it didn't, but it would have nonetheless. I say this to remind myself of what it ultimately all was and is: "If not me, then another. If not him (her boy-toy), then someone else." It helps me depersonalize... . a bit.
