Am I Normal?

[BPDdaddy]

I thought that I would try to find some answers to this question so that I can, hopefully, stop driving myself crazy.  I felt that I was doing well through this whole thing until my soon to be ex-wife filed a false protection order against me and CPS charges during the period of time where I had to move 4 times.  Well, I have finally settled everything down into the new apartment, and for the most part--other than being very controlling and manipulative--I have learned to work with my ex in a way that has allowed some amount of peace. 

My problem is that when things become more peaceful, my dreams begin to focus more on her again.  Usually, this is more intense when I pick the kids up for the weekend.  I wake up and tell myself that this is not the reality, but just the fact that I dream about her makes me feel so alone.  I suppose that, for the most part, I feel alone nowadays, and because of how extreme everything has been with her, I can't seem to fully get past her and live my life again.  She is also actively working to make the children as dependent on her as possible, which makes working with my son every weekend very energy intensive.  It's as if she worked to control me during the relationship, and now continues to control me even though I want to move on.  I'm beginning to think that she is right: I am the one who is messed up, and the problem is me.  How do you switch off the self doubting and the endless rumination--and, if possible, the dreams--when you are going through this, and is it normal at 7 months in to still be feeling this way? 

[BPDdaddy]

And as far as the peace goes, this means that she has stopped screaming and yelling, that she is still cold to our son but rewards him with warmth when he strictly obeys, but not that she has stopped with all of the fighting--there is a new court date where I will have to fight against her petition for full-custody. 

[Surnia]

  BPDdaddy

Yes, it is normal. These breakups need time and you have kids together, which can be triggering... .

Can you reframe your thoughts to a point that you both have issues? Either she or you is a bit of black and white thinking... .

Endless rumination: Can you try to find something against? Ruminating is not good for us, not good for healing... . It could be something simple like Sudokus or exercising more, learning something new is helpful. Our brain needs sometimes just distraction, something to do... . without it, brain can go in endless ruminating sessions.

It needs a bit practice - hang in there. 

[slimmiller]

I think this is pretty normal. I too find myself missing her (not the 'her' that she is but the 'her' that I married) when things are functioning normally. Meaning when there is no fighting and or conflict. However as time goes on I realize that that too, like the 'her' that I married is fake as well. Its just the quite before the disregulation. Its not real and will in time blowup again so I am constantly on gaurd.

Good luck with the court stuff! It will be a huge relieve when thats over and decided. One less control mechanism she will have.

Its hard to do when we are preoccupied but I find that the time I do have with the kids to just bask in whatever I am doing with them helps a lot. Granted the kids will again be with her but while they are with me is when I can make things count. Then while they are with her I plan on the things to do when I do have them again. Planning, ideas for actavities etc. It helps me immensly.

And remember, in the end when your son is an adult he will see things for what they are. We always fear how they will be 'programmed' by the disfunctioning of BPD, but even my d7 makes comments about mommies craziness. I never tell the kids anything but rather let them observe.

[livednlearned]

My experience divorcing a pwBPD is that yes, they absolutely do use the kids to control you. If you want to move on, it's going to take some serious work on your part. I don't know how anyone does it without a good T because someone needs to hear how you think. I feel like I literally had to rewire my thought patterns -- it hadn't occurred to me how distorted my own thinking was until I had a T who pointed out the patterns in my responses and reactions to things.

As for your kids, I highly recommend the book Power of Validation -- it's been the most powerful antidote to the way N/BPDx interacts with S12. It's hard to develop a strong sense of self when you have a BPD parent, so validating them (which is actually a lot harder than I originally thought, and took much practice to get it right) gives them the permission to recognize what they feel instead of what they should feel.

To your question about being normal -- yes. You are normal   . The big difference between you and your ex is that you take responsibility for who you are. When we're with disordered people for a long time (or your whole life, for those of us who come from BPD families) it rubs off. You think those ways of being in the world are normal, and there are coping strategies that don't come naturally when you don't experience them in intimate relationships.

You're normal, you just need to develop a sense of self that feels whole and worthy, and learn some of the healthy ways of interacting with your thoughts and feelings that are truly loving 

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, Live'n'learn, they use the kids against you, which is sad and confusing for the children.

Yes, BPDaddy, the feelings you describe are normal.  Don't start berating yourself -- that is what your BPDex wants you to do!

It takes a while for the dreams to dissipate.  Give it time.  I suspect that, at some point, you will find that your life is a whole lot more peaceful and serene without the daily drama of a BPD r/s. 

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[Forward2free]

It's such a hard road, but you'll get there if you give yourself enough time to heal.

I used to ruminate the most when I was driving - so my therapist told me to physically put my hand up like a police officer directing the traffic, and say 'STOP' out aloud. I was on my own, so that was fine. It disrupts the thought process and if you get back to ruminating, put your hand up and say 'STOP IT' again. It felt ridiculous in the beginning, but now I can say stop silently in my head and it has the same affect.

The trouble is that when you walk on eggshells for so long, you become an expert at burying the bad and trying to be good and the cycle continues. You might have buried a lot of the bad things that stbxW did, and that's why it's easier to remember the good bits and feel warmed by them. Try to stop the cycle and balance it with the truth. It's painful to think of those times, but I think it helped me to understand that I was craving the love and attention that I got before or after the truth of my life with BPD/Nxh. It wasn't real.

You can take responsibility for you, but not for your stbxW. Focus on being the best parent you can, read books, ask questions and learn as you go. I focus on being the best parent I can to my kids, and when I make mistakes, I own up to them and apologise. It's seems insignificant, but I can't imagine BPD/Nxh would be able to do the same. I am trying to create a safe place for my kids to be kids, and to be happy to be accountable for their own actions. That will take time too.

Time is a great healer.