What is the most hurtful thing your exBD has done to you?

[magichat101]

Amongst the lies, the talking to other guys, the abuse, the depression, her tearing me down my exBDgf has done so many things to me however I think this was the most hurtful.

My ex and I were very close, she was very close to my family and I was close to hers. She has come to my family home around 3 times in Florida from California and my mother was very good to her, they would talk on the phone a lot. Anyways we broke up in Nov 2012 but were still very much together and decided to have NC in Jan of 2013. My moms sister had died about 2 weeks after no contact, so I flew back home and I was devastated as my mom was extremely close to her and she had twins who are 16 years old. (my aunt was also BD) anyways I called her and left a voicemail very upset just telling her that my aunt died and I really needed positive energy and support... .

-HER RESPONSE... .

I actually did not get a response for 3 days and it was in an email form:

"I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you"

Initially I thought that was rude and cold but what else could really be expected. Sure I would have called any of my ex's that I had just broken up with if something devastating had happened in their families. That  was just the begining.

-What really hurt:

We recycled about a month after my aunt died. And I found an email that she sent to her mother saying how I was using my aunts death to try and get back together with her. I did not say anything but internally I flipped out. Was she for real, I asked myself... . I am a very honest person and I would tell you if thats what I wanted but I just wanted to talk to someone who I was so close with and just for them to be like stay strong, in fact I shouldn't even have had to defend myself.

THE MOST HURTFUL PART:

She never once contacted my mother saying I am so sorry for you loss etc... . Take in mind my mother has lost her fiancé, father, best friend and sister all in a span of 2 years - talk about bad luck. My mother was so good to me... . And then my ex brought it up when day and cried about how bad she felt that she never contacted us, oh what a bunch of bs... .

I would say that her falling in love with some guy who was 20 years old at rehab after 6 days of being there was the most hurtful but this was... .


HER REPLACEMENT CAN F*CKING HAVE THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE!

I hope one day I can get over the anger, this has been my choice to have NC since august, she has found a replacement, sure I'm sad but they met on fbook and she's tragic and I don't know him so I can't say anything bad about him... .

[sun seeker]

 List of hurt

She is an alcoholic who used that for an excuse to cheat 5 times.

She was drunk and got physically abuseive

She lied to friends and family about me,  which was projection.

False character attacks. Projection

In rehab she got in a public r/s on facebook with a guy in rehab a week after I went n.c .

The same guy I caught her texting while on a weekend pass from rehab . " I miss you , I wish I was with you now" she was in bed with me.  last straw I bounced. 6th infidelity.

Called my house several times and hung up after N/C

Had random ppl friend me on facebook to spy on me. The where dumb enough to have pictures of each other on thier account.


The absolute worst thing was talking bad about my mom who past last march. She didn't even know her.

[arn131arn]

She was on her way out again.  This must have been the 30th split.

I was crying.  I was begging.  I was beggin the girl I was in love with for hope.  To just give me some kind of hope that we could get help and work on our family.

She laughed at me.  The girl who was the mother of my child that I had given so much to, made me beg for HOPE, then laughed at me in my face.

Time to get a tattoo... . maybe the word "Hope" with maggots crawling out of it?

[Pretty Woman]

My ex dumped me the same day my best friend told me we couldn't be friends anymore because I was gay. Ex then ran off to her ex for a month in another state.

So in one day I lost my best friend and confidante and the person I lost her for. Things were never the same when my ex returned. That really hurt me and I never forgave her for it.

[drv3006]

Honestly, I can't even pick one out.   Everytime I start to type something another thing pops in my head.   I guess the most hurtful thing mine ever did was hate me so much that he could not leave.  If that makes any sense at all.

[WalrusGumboot]

She split me away from my family for seven years. During that time, my father got leukemia. My sister finally broke the silence and told me, saying he only had a short time to live. Not caring anymore what my exBPDw said, I got in my car and drove 1000 miles and visited him in the hospital, and he was only skin and bones. I cried and cried. All that time wasted. That was the last time I saw him alive. She, on the other hand, showed no remorse and was only concerned if my family mentioned her.

If there was any silver lining, this was the time that I told my family EVERYTHING. About BPD and my marriage. I quit protecting her reputation because it wasn't worth protecting anymore. I swore she would never keep me from my family again, and she never did. It was the beginning of the end for us.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I knew something was messed up with our sex life, but he swore up and down he was faithful. The only other conclusion was that something was wrong with me. I believed this for 17 years. His lies were so masterlly crafted I believed everyone of them, until the mask fell.  I found out about his cheating, 14 years of it, I was crying day in and day out, not knowing how I could stay in this marriage. After one week, ONE WEEK, I couldn't sleep so I went to the living room and started crying. He woke up, came after me and said with that face that is about to have a rage: "I'm sick of your crying. Just get over it. Why can't you do that? Why can't you just be happy!".

I couldn't breathe... . is this guy for real?

That's when I made the decision to leave.

[nolisan]

I was retriggered when I caught a glimpse of the ex driving through town after +1 year of NC - it brought back a whole new cycle of grief.

I did a "top 10 list" of the rotten nasty things she pulled - I stopped when I hit 20. There is was in black and white. WOW why did I stay past the 2nd or 3rd?

For me it is not what she did to me but why I tolerated it.

[Nicco]

She made me feel guilty for everything i done or not done.

She made me feel guilty and responsible for her attempt while me i was in an ANOTHER country.

She cheated.

She's back in her country while i was keeping HER son with me telling me she was "building a future for us" and complaing i was doing nothing while in reality she was PROSTITUTING herself with several old bussinessmen and later reproching me it was my fault cause i didn't help her financially knowing perfectly that i was not in the economic position to do it,even before leave.She just had to come back to the people who loved her... . no,too easy,better give me a devastating pain and makes me feel guilty for been painful too (did she validated my feelings even just for 5 minutes?naaaaa   )

She betrayed me under every way possible... . as person,partner,lover... . psychologically,emotionally... . she betrayed my mind and my soul deeply.

And what is worst she made every effort to convince me i was her soulmate,her fiancée,the man of her life,her everything... . that she was my only half,the one she would have loved forever in despite of everything... . that we were meant to be together.

Pratically,the worst thing she did was to be my girlfriend.

[Ironmanrises]

The last few horrific days(my birthday) I spent with my exUBPDgf in round 2 of devaluation when I witnessed her actual splitting into 2 distinct personalities in the span of about 10 minutes. I was in her house(she lives outside of Boston, I live in NY), she was coming home from work(there was a tornado warning in her area and she freaked), I was waiting by the door as I always did to greet her. As I stood at the door and her 2 sons ran past me and both hugged me and said "Hi", she approached the door and gave me this look as if I was a complete ___ing stranger; and walked right past me making sure not to even brush up against me. I stood there watching this. She walks to her kitchen, a few minutes pass, I follow her to the kitchen(knew she was spooked about the tornado and went to comfort her), I walk right up to her and barely even brush her arm with my fingers to go hold her, and she blurts out in a cold voice ":)ON'T TOUCH ME." I freeze. My mouth drops open. I felt like someone just kicked me in the stomach. I turn around and manage to walk back to her living room and sit down on the couch. I am SCREAMING inside. Her 2 sons are watching/playing tv and see my face, and ask "Ironmanfalls, are you ok?" I somehow nod my head without muttering a word. I am SCREAMING inside. I want to cry. about 10 minutes later, she slowly walks to the living room. I am still sitting on the couch looking straightforward and see her out of the corner of my eye. She slowly turns her head towards me(I am still seeing this out of corner of my eye) and she barely mumbles the words in the softest voice, "Baby, did you eat something today?" It takes me maybe 30 seconds to even register that she even said that to me. I somehow nod my head and mumble the word "yes". I am still SCREAMING inside. I want to break down and cry and run the hell out of there.

Those were the 2 distinct personalities. That whole scenario has been inscribed into my brain. I never felt more unwanted and hurt in my entire life than with what I experienced there. The way she looked at me when she entered the house. The way she spoke to me when I went to go comfort her. And then when she reverted back to her original side. I can't. I never want to experience that ever again.

[Oliolioxenfree]

wow I have quite a list.  Some of his better grievances include:

1. Having a swinger orgy with some mutual acquaintances of mine to get back at me for breaking things off. then lied about it... . for 2 years.  And then continued to hang out with them behind my back the entire time.

2. signed me up secretly for a dating website claiming I  was "average" and "bisexual".  Im neither.

3. found a replacement for me because I went on a week long vacation to see an old friend and he couldn't handle me doing something without him.  He dumped me for her a few weeks later. Once he knew she was hooked.

4. hacked into my online accounts so he could stalk my email and chats with people.  Then creepily mention my chats with others in passing... as if he had a psychic ability and we were so connected.

5. stalked me and all of my male friends for 5 months AFTER he had discarded me for my replacement

6. Made a big deal about me applying for my masters degree near his home and then when I suggested we move in together he laughed at me and said no.  I wound up getting my masters elsewhere. THANK GOD

Can you say bathit crazy?  thank goodness thats over.  I sort of feel bad for his new girlfriend (my replacement)  she's in for one hell of a life with him. 

[fiddlestix]

My friends, I am trying not to think about it.  I have ruminated untold hours over the unspeakable dishonesties, betrayals and insensitivities that I experienced in my long run.  I want to turn the page... . wish it wasn't so damn heavy.

Fiddle

[ucmeicu2]

My friends, I am trying not to think about it.  I have ruminated untold hours over the unspeakable dishonesties, betrayals and insensitivities that I experienced in my long run.  I want to turn the page... . wish it wasn't so damn heavy.

ah, but you see, fiddlestix, maybe you hadn't thought of this, but making a written list is quite different than ruminating.  it is something physical, tangible, you don;t have to try to remember it - you just write it once and add to it as memories surface.  this can accomplish a LOT by having hard undesputable proof vs the haunting, circular, vagueries of rumination.

you could even print a copy and burn it in a ritual... . during one period of time i was so desperate for relief and it actually helped me to let go!  i even took pictures of the stuff i was burning and have revisited them from time to time.  very nourishing and reaffirming for me.  if you haven't tried it, rituals can be very useful or freeing.

so, ya might want to reconsider.  

[fiddlestix]

Ucmeicu2, well said, my friend.  A written list is indeed helpful. Journaling is a time-tested spiritual discipline.  In fact, I have written lists.  I refer to them when I wish I was still with her.  I just hope we don't get stuck in that place.

Fiddlestix75@yahoo

[free-n-clear]

   The list of hurtful things she did is too long to go into here, so I'll just give the most hurtful;

   The first time (that I know of) that she cheated on me, it was with a guy I'd known for 10 years, and while we weren't close mates, we'd have a beer and a yarn if we ran into each other at the pub (where he eventually confessed this to me). His girlfriend - who knew full well that she was in a r/s with me - invited her to their place for a threesome, and when he asked her "aren't you with free'n'clear?", she said "no, silly, he's my cousin" 

   

[Calm Waters]

calling the police when i tried to explain our joint BPD issues. The police arrived at my door 2 days later warning me that i was giving her ' unwanted attention' after we had lived together for 3 months and i nursed her back to health after a nearly successful suicide attempt. Since then NC and i now realise i never want to see her again ( its taken a year), i just hope she can open up and heal and stop damaging her parters of which there has been many aparantley

[Changingman]

Mirrored me and everything I loved, had me work as hard as I could to make her happy and fulfilled, got her her dream job. Then when she was freaking out? Started a 6 month affair with the investor and sadistically phoned/text me when with him, cryptic clues she was showing to him. I paid for an abortion I'll never know if it was mine. Then at the end walked away as if it was day zero. Leaving me to clean up the devastation. All while I had my 2 children around me. For that I may never forgive myself.

She is like the witch in Snow White poisoned apples and all.

Forgive her? The world is worse that she exists.

God bless my children for being so whole.

[sadinnc98]

He broke off our engagement via text message and had me meet him in a Walgreen's parking lot to give the ring back... would barely even speak to me and would not look at or touch me. It was the worst day of my life hands down. :'(

[Changingman]

Honestly, I can't even pick one out.   Everytime I start to type something another thing pops in my head.   I guess the most hurtful thing mine ever did was hate me so much that he could not leave.  If that makes any sense at all.

Complete sense, absolutely

I've never been hated with such love

Then the opposite.

Amazing

[irishmarmot]

Let's see, cheating, lying, dv order, threats, the usual BPD stuff.  However when I broke up with her a week ago and asked for my boots back, she said she gave them to someone more deserving and that she had been cheating on me for the entire relationship.   I believe she got a perverse enjoyment out of telling me that because she already had my replacement hooked.  I wonder?  Why do we always feel bad for the replacement?  

[free-n-clear]

 Why do we always feel bad for the replacement?  

    Because we know what they're in for, and they don't.

[Pretty Woman]

Free and Clear,

  Amen.

[broken3]

lying, cheating, hidden credit cards, check forgery. But to top off the list... .

Took my daughter to police station to have abuse charges filed against me!

... . The reason... .

Because I grounded my daughter because she did not do a chore for two weeks!

Of course it was not approved by the judge.

[love4meNOTu]

Well the verbal and emotional abuse, that's the obvious ones.

But honestly, the worst thing he did to hurt me was realize that he had problems, but yet blamed it all on me.

I know he knows he has issues, but he cannot face them.

It's sad, and cowardly, and not a way to live. But it is what it is.

I'm facing my issues now. I will never be abused by anyone ever again, I will not be looked upon as a source of money, sex or comfort. There will be mutual love and respect in my life.

I will never again be browbeaten by someone who is not my moral or intellectual equal.

God bless,

L

[love4meNOTu]

Well the verbal and emotional abuse, that's the obvious ones.

But honestly, the worst thing he did to hurt me was realize that he had problems, but yet blamed it all on me.

I know he knows he has issues, but he cannot face them.

It's sad, and cowardly, and not a way to live. But it is what it is.

I'm facing my issues now. I will never be abused by anyone ever again, I will not be looked upon as a source of money, sex or comfort. There will be mutual love and respect in my life.

I will never again be browbeaten by someone who is not my moral or intellectual equal. And I do not give a $hit if that makes me sound narcissistic.

God bless,

L

[michel71]

I haven't decided to end it yet but already there has been a long list. Part of me wishes I could forget all the bad things, but I always seem to go there, rather than to the happy times.

They are:

Buying sexy things to wear on our honeymoon night and then refusing to put them on.

Yelling at me in front of her daughter degrading me.

Saying "f off" and other choice superlatives when we fight and threatening divorce every single time.

Manipulating and making me feel guilty if I do not do what she wants.

Letting an argument fester and refusing to "make peace", walking away and leaving me standing there at Heathrowe airport without a loving goodbye.

Never being appreciative for anything I do or have sacrificed for us to be together.

Oh it all just sucks.  :'(

[Littleopener]

Told me I couldn't be trusted.

Now this might not seem a big deal but I am the trustworthy nice person. I'm not that pretty, I'm not particularly talented at anything but I am a good, kind person.

He took that away from me. The person closest to me, who knows the most about me took that away.

I have nothing left.

[Pretty Woman]

Lil Opener,

   Try not to take that to heart. They trust no one. Mine said I betrayed her by broadcasting her "red flags" to everyone. Yes, I did that but only because I thought I was going crazy... . after her dumping me 6x in a little over a year and leaving for exes.

It's projection. HE was not trustworthy. Had nothing to do with you.

[Mutt]

March 2012 to February 2013 with her I'll never forget, the most painful, hurtful experience with uBPD stbx and anyone for that matter

devaluation/discard

cheating and lying about the affair

lack of sympathy and empathy when she left

the inability to communicate with her due to her black thinking and breaking up a young family for her selfish needs

the devaluation/projection that came with all of that to justify her actions, self-worth and to eject her feelings of inadequacy, that us something else to experience. But I'm preaching to the choir on the Leaving board.

distortion campaign

[Mazda]

Valentine's day last year.  Took me for a dinner cruise and after I flew halfway across the world to spend it with him, threw a hissy fit when I asked if he got me a gift. Ended up sitting there crying while he sat and drank and verbally abused me (you're destroyed, damaged goods among other things).  Ended up going home with strangers who saw he was too drunk to drive.  Got home and he came in and repeatedly told me he was fing done with me (we were engaged).  I was sobbing and begging him to stop.  He wouldn't leave and cornered me against the bed.  I ended up hitting him out of desperation because I just couldn't take it anymore.  He continued so I slapped him three times.  He then restrained my hands and punched me in the stomach.  Three times.  His defence? I hit him first, it was self defence.  Oh and according to him I hit him 5 times and he only punched me once.  Not true, but even if it was, it's not good enough.  The irony is he will spend this valentines day with his wife.  My poor replacement.  She told me she married him for better or for worse.  Poor girl doesn't know what the wor worse means... . yet.