What is the most hurtful thing your exBD has done to you?

[shellsh0cked]

Let's see, cheating, lying, dv order, threats, the usual BPD stuff.  However when I broke up with her a week ago and asked for my boots back, she said she gave them to someone more deserving and that she had been cheating on me for the entire relationship.   I believe she got a perverse enjoyment out of telling me that because she already had my replacement hooked.  I wonder?  Why do we always feel bad for the replacement?  

Hmm... this reply looks like a good place to start:  This doesn't even scratch the surface... . but it's a good start  

1.  Accused me of flirting with her mother on Thanksgiving... . and being obsessed with her breasts... . and trying to hook up with her... . yep.  Her mom is over 60 years old, and I am 40 (at the time).  She came over to my house after being broke up a month later... . drunk, yelling in my yard.  I ask her to come in and she starts rubbint this in my face;  "I ___ed two guys since we broke up!  How does that make you feel?"  My buddy was at my house... . She wouldn't leave, but I told him... "T*** get this b*tch off my property"  That one was pretty bad.  Super hateful and hurtful.  

2.  Accusing me of making up my father being sick and needing me to take him to see the doctor.  I was just lying apparently so I could get out of hanging out with her…

3.  Accusing me of being a narcissist and a voyeur.  Everyone else is the one with personality disorders…told me she talked to a shrink (on a forum) that diagnosed me …over the web…One that has never met me, nor knows her way of “telling stories”.

4.  Melting down on me when I was traveling.  Texting me telling me that I am on a “mission to hurt” her.  Making me feel miserable when I travelled for work.  Torturing me in Tucson AZ for not catching a flight home 5 hours earlier than scheduled because I was tired... wanted to sleep in and maybe sightsee since I had worked four 14 hour days in a row.  That never happened because she made me so miserable.  She accused me of having her mother with me on the trip too... . wow!

5.  Humiliating me in front of my friends.  Showing her @ss in front of my mom and making me stop a gig I was playing for one of her rages.  She did this raging while playing twice.  Totally humiliating.  

6.  Writing me hateful letters and texts.  She left me a letter once on one of our many breakups telling me that everything was my fault and how much she hated me.  Making fun of my body to eat at my confidence and self esteem.

7.  Continuing to badger me when I told her my blood pressure was 188/102 (due to her stressing me out…was never high till I started seeing her.).  Told her I wasn’t coming over there because I was terrified I could have a stroke and die.  She didn’t care.  B*tch.

8.   Throwing me out of her house one night during sexual foreplay…saying I smelled like I’d been “screwing an old nasty whore”…Not sure how she knows what one smells like but whatever…

9.  :)istrusting me so much that she found that she needed to validate her fears (and found nothing because there was nothing to find…so sad) about me cheating on her that she wiped my work Blackberry.  Bear in mind, she was on this trip with me.  I bought her an $800 plane ticket so she could go.  Also accused me of thinking of other women when we had sex on this trip.  Because I had my eyes closed….Of course…she can read minds too.  Amazing.

10.  Spilling a secret between us that I told her in the strictest of confidence.  One that I was so humiliated by.  She used it to hurt me after our final split.  Something I really needed to talk about anyway, but I couldn’t believe the cruelty.  Unbelievable that someone would use that for ammunition.  I did tell my friend that still has contact with her that if she ever asks what I said about that…I told him, you tell her this; “what you did was bar none… the meanest, nastiest, most heartless, and cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me” and that I hope that is what she wanted because she did succeed in hurting me in a way like no one else ever has and that I could not believe that someone could be that cruel.

Things she failed at hurting me with?  Smashing my car up.  Whatever.  I hope they sue her  ass off for that, but it didn’t hurt me emotionally other than being a sign that this ie OVER and I will never see her again.  The attempts on my life?  How much of a threat were they?  :)unno….but her cruelty sure doesn’t rule it out…both of these just made me sad…Made me realize just how pathetic she was.  

[michel71]

WOW... . that is a lot of stuff. The mother thing tripped me out. Sorry you went through that with her.

[shellsh0cked]

WOW... . that is a lot of stuff. The mother thing tripped me out. Sorry you went through that with her.

Unfortunately it is just a sample... . there was a lot more.  THose are some of the worse ones.  I share a lot of blame for this treatment because I stayed when CLEARLY I should have gone.  But I was snared by her.  We all know how a BP will make you feel like you have met someone you cannot live without (but what you have met is something you can't live WITH).  This is usually accompanied by plenty of ploys to keep you there... . like a awesome sex life, manipulation, suicide threats... . you guys know...  I think that you guys are here though because we did the same thing... . stayed.  Yeah, the mom thing?  That one still makes me wanna barf.  Thing that REALLY sucks about it?  She was never... . ever... going to let it go.  Being punished over and over for something you didn't do really sucks!  I knew in the back of my mind this was doomed because she would never let up, and I was never going to tell her I did something that I didn't.  I will not compromise my integrity... . especially to myself!

[santa]

Well, there are a few I can think of off the top of my head:

Pushed me through a 2nd floor window

Keyed my car

Punched me in the throat as hard as she could and said she'd scream rape if I tried to block it

Threw a glass beer bottle at my face from 5 feet away (I ducked and it exploded on the wall behind me)

Pressed domestic violence charges against me (then later admitted she made it up)

Picked the lock to my condo and scared the hell out of me after knocking for almost an hour

Got me kicked out of my condo for all her screaming/flipping all the computer's at the security guard's station

Kicked me out of her car miles from anywhere on several occasions so I had to walk

Gave me several black eyes from being punched in the face

Pulled a knife on me twice

Scared me into sleeping in a bathtub or closet with the door locked more times than I can remember

Tricked me into getting her pregnant (said she was on birth control)

Stole our daughter and took her to another state when I had temporary custody

I'm sure there's more.

[Changingman]

Told me I couldn't be trusted.

Now this might not seem a big deal but I am the trustworthy nice person. I'm not that pretty, I'm not particularly talented at anything but I am a good, kind person.

He took that away from me. The person closest to me, who knows the most about me took that away.

I have nothing left.

Hey hey hey hey,

No one can take anything from you like that, you have to give it. It's still yours and always will be. One reason you know is he used it to hurt you the most. It must be true that you are trustworthy.

They want to take the best of us.

And you are beautiful, have talent, it is natural in people. Don't get confused.

X

[Littleopener]

Thank you, you made me cry :-)

[Cimbaruns]

Irishmarmot

I think I feel bad for the replacement because I'm hoping in my heart of hearts that they will "see the light" before the lightning strikes...

And partly because I can empathize with what they are about to experience...

God be with them

[Take2]

As I sat with my father as he was dying (in the active dying phase), I had asked him (my ex) to come be with me as I had no one there with me, as in my mom passed away 12 years ago and my sister was too far away to get there in time.  My ex felt compelled to yell at me why I was so disrespectful to ask him such a thing.  He was yelling this to me over the phone as he drove on his way to a second date with some girl he'd met online.  We had been on/off for a month or so at that point.  It was never actually clear when we were "on" since he was always so vague and dumping me every other day.  It was beyond a doubt, the most cruel thing anyone has ever done to me.  He's done far more in his attempts to destroy me (his words) but this night made me feel pain so much worse than anything I could have ever imagined.  

[Tincanmike]

Very simple. Not working on herself.

[MrConfused]

Being cutoff. Not having *any* empathy for my feelings the entire relationship. Her her her, always her.

[Soulsisters]

the kids, my mother

he took everything from me. 

after twenty years he was able to take almost everything.  But what he has done to my children, the maniputalation an the brainwashing done to my teenage sons is the worst.  He also got to my mother the same way. 

He was and is good at taking what he wants.  But in the end he didn't get me, and I will never let anyone treat me that way again as long as I live

[guitargrl]

I had a huge cancer scare once and he decided to go into his silent treatment phase…I spent a weekend worrying that I had ovarian cancer….alone no family, docs very concerned. I called him sad and crying and nothing.  I had to have the ovary taken out (it was benign) but on the day of surgery he saw that my ex-husband (father of my children and a nice guy) had posted a nice post on Facebook to me, that made him angry and he abandoned me wouldn't call, did not come over nothing.  I dealt with the pain and recovery of surgery with no one except my children and a friend that lives down the road.  I don't have any family to help and he was gone.  I can't believe I ever took him back after that.

[Calm Waters]

not strictly appropriate but my mother ( BPD) recently died, my brother and I held a 30 hour vigil at her bedside, my dad ( BPD / NPD) married to her for 71 years and never treated her well, sat in his chair making jokes and very inappropriate comments whilst my brother and I watched her die; He went to bed and missed the moment. Utter denial and downright callousness to the end. Now I have to look after him at 91 he cant boil an egg! my mother did everything and whilst not the easiest of women as a BPD at least she loved us as much as she could cared and tried to make it special until she gave up and starved herself to death out of the sheer agony of being with my father and suffering from rheumatoid arthritis! Guess what the last think she said to us was before she slipped in to a coma? ' look after your dad' they really are all bonkers

[Waifed]

The most hurtful thing she did was cheated on me during Easter.  I had asked her to spend it with me and my kids but she said she needed to spend it with her mom since she had been out of town recently.  Instead she met up with a guy she met on a trip and had been chatting with and slept with him on Easter.  A couple of months later she flew overseas to meet the guy and shagged him for a couple of weeks over there.  Her response "Sorry Waifed, I ___ed up.  It was a fling.  Ours is an emotional thing.  ?I was trying to get over you?"  What a pig.  

Also, had she not subtly seduced me at work I would have never gotten into a relationship with her.

[Cimbaruns]

Waifed

Yes ... . by far... . the cheating was the ultimate betrayal for me

I found out that she'd been talking all along to the woman she was with before me ( 4 years ago) AND she also found someone else and got her hooks into her 5 weeks ago,

She bounced 5 days ago... . not a word from her except a matter of fact text today about some info she needed about our dog!

Just 5 five short days ago she was saying how good things were... .

Then. " I love you so much". But the relationship just isn't working for her... . REALLY

We've been together 4 years, married for 2

This is the ultimate betrayal.   So devastating

[maxen]

As I sat with my father as he was dying (in the active dying phase), I had asked him (my ex) to come be with me as I had no one there with me, as in my mom passed away 12 years ago and my sister was too far away to get there in time.  My ex felt compelled to yell at me why I was so disrespectful to ask him such a thing.  He was yelling this to me over the phone as he drove on his way to a second date with some girl he'd met online.  We had been on/off for a month or so at that point.  It was never actually clear when we were "on" since he was always so vague and dumping me every other day.  It was beyond a doubt, the most cruel thing anyone has ever done to me.  He's done far more in his attempts to destroy me (his words) but this night made me feel pain so much worse than anything I could have ever imagined.

that's simply horrifying take2. i'm so sorry.

[shellsh0cked]

.  Her response "Sorry Waifed, I ___ed up.  It was a fling.  Ours is an emotional thing.  ?I was trying to get over you?"  What a pig.  

Also, had she not subtly seduced me at work I would have never gotten into a relationship with her.

Yeah... . I heard plenty of $h!t like that dude... . She slept with three (maybe four because I lost count... . whore) while we were split up... . sometimes for a few days or a couple of weeks.  One of these guys she did HOURS after a fight.  She needed to "feel attractive" or to "get over me"... . or some blah blah blah rhetoric bullsh!t.  Apparently she thought to get over someone she had to get "under" someone else...  .She wouldn't go more than a few days or a week or two before she was shagging some other total piece of garbage that would do her because that's the way she likes to be treated apparently.  Whenever I asked her about this or tried to use it during a fight over her meritless ogling accusations I got, "that's COMPLETELY different!  We weren't togther at the time!"  That must make it okay to just screw strangers... . I could NEVER go off and screw someone because I felt hurt.  Sex is the LAST thing I desire then.  WHo ticks like that?  Really!   Apparently her accusations of me "looking" were far worse than her inabliltiy to keep her pants on... . Tramp... .

[jjk0614]

Mine cheated with random guys from craigslist, while I was working. Then walked out. Then sent pics of her doing sexual acts with her ex, and subsequently her sons father, who was never even in the picture when her and I were together. Sad to say that 2 years of NC later, I still love her. Jeeeeez... . what on earth does that say about me?

[shellsh0cked]

Mine cheated with random guys from craigslist, while I was working. Then walked out. Then sent pics of her doing sexual acts with her ex, and subsequently her sons father, who was never even in the picture when her and I were together. Sad to say that 2 years of NC later, I still love her. Jeeeeez... . what on earth does that say about me?

Says same thing it said about me... . that you love a person that doesn't exist.  I think we all "crave" that person that makes us so high... . Especially if you have codependency issues like most all BPD SOs do. We may detest that horrible black side of them, but it's the other side that makes us feel like we're almost god-like... . and we are so enamoured with them.  But unfortunately it's in a way that they aren't.  It's totally one-sided, and god... . damnit.  That really hurts to realize that.  Like "Eggshells" talks about layers.  BPDs aren't layered... . we can't peel away that nasty part from the good part.  They are more like scrambled eggs.  It's all mixed together.  Really we all are... . but they certainly are no different.  That mean, hateful, cruel, insecure stuff is part of the package.  Just how it is.  I know you guys hear me talk about how horrible she was right?  Well, there is a side to M that is beautiful... . sweet and very loving.  Made me feel like the king of the world.  Very kind and gentle... . 80% of the time.  The other 20% is horrible... . and intolerable.  That 20% outweighs the 80% unfortunately. 

She sent YOU pictures?  If I am reading that right you had a real number there bud... .

[Waifed]

Mine cheated with random guys from craigslist, while I was working. Then walked out. Then sent pics of her doing sexual acts with her ex, and subsequently her sons father, who was never even in the picture when her and I were together. Sad to say that 2 years of NC later, I still love her. Jeeeeez... . what on earth does that say about me?

Well I sent pics of myself inside of her to the guy she slept with (and was still communicating with) along with a brutal letter expressing what a slut she was.  If he didn't know before he knows now  I almost posted the email on here but decided against it.  It was the worst thing I have ever sent to anyone in my life.  I was not in a good mental state at the time but damn it felt good!  This and an email about BPD to her resulted in a call from the cops. 

[Conundrum]

This might sound wonky, but (for lack of a better phrase) slutting themselves out with losers right after cheating on a "good guy" in a meaningful relationship, is a common pattern with women who have extreme low self-esteem. A part of them feels like garbage and hopeless for screwing up the good relationship and the betrayal deed confirms that they're worthless. Then to reconfirm it on an even more pathological level, they march forward on a slut parade sometimes screwing low-life's and underachievers, because it's like coming home to the worthless person whom they feel most comfortable being. The whole thing's twisted and sad, and you can't save them, change them--or tame them. Sometimes they get tired of it, maybe get real help, break the pattern, then relapse, or break the pattern for good. When beauty fades it's literally not a pretty picture. JMO.   

[Ironmanrises]

This might sound wonky, but (for lack of a better phrase) slutting themselves out with losers right after cheating on a "good guy" in a meaningful relationship, is a common pattern with women who have extreme low self-esteem. A part of them feels like garbage and hopeless for screwing up the good relationship and the betrayal deed confirms that they're worthless. Then to reconfirm it on an even more pathological level, they march forward on a slut parade sometimes screwing low-life's and underachievers, because it's like coming home to the worthless person whom they feel most comfortable being. The whole thing's twisted and sad, and you can't save them, change them--or tame them. Sometimes they get tired of it, maybe get real help, break the pattern, then relapse, or break the pattern for good. When beauty fades it's literally not a pretty picture. JMO.   

A pattern of absolute madness, destruction and sadness all rolled into one.

[Moonie75]

I've thought long & hard about my answer to this question. I've decided what I think was her/our most hurt filled moment.

I held my best friends hand while he died in hospital, 500 miles from my home.

I called to tell her **** had died & I'd held his hand while he passed away.

Her reply.

"Oh I don't know what to say. But hey to take your mind off it for a moment, I've got a new assistant at work & he's bloody gorgeous! All the other women are so envious ha ha ha".



It's a good job my arm isn't 500 miles long with a fist that could fit through a phone line!

[Take2]

Moonie... .   you know, I question over and over whether or not my ex is capable of empathy because of the times I've seen him truly seem to care... . yet at the MOST crucial moments for me when I needed it from him... . he was totally unable to give ANY... .    I feel for you in that situation.  I lived it in a different way.  It sucked so bad.

I can't even believe that a year has passed since then and I still went ahead and let him back in... .   to have him try to hurt/destroy me even more... .

[Confused-girl]

After being together for over 3.5 years, engaged for 1.5, and living together since 6/12, he has ended it with me.  This has happened many times before, and we usually manage to work it out.  Just about every argument/fight has been about something so small.  I have never cheated, lied, etc.  The one thing he holds against me and won't forgive me for, is when he came home over a year and a half ago, and he had been in a fight (that wasn't his fault).  He was a mess... . bleeding, etc.  My first, also not my best reaction was, what the hell happened to you?  I was angry that this happened when he went out riding with the boys.  I admit, I could have handled this better, and I have apologized many, many times, but he still punishes me for this.  I know I should have been more supportive, and I've told him how awful I feel about that.  However, even prior to this, all fights were from something small.  Fast forward... . I am in a position where I still own my own condo, but have to let it go.  He was supposed to help me with that, by getting my stuff out of there.  Last week, I lost my job, which was not my fault.  I was given no valid reason why they were letting me go, except I knew for a fact it had to do with the woman who worked there, who did not like me.  I told him about it when he came home, and he was acting like it was my fault because I didn't kiss this persons ass like he said I should.  Now, this is the first time he spoke to me in three days, because that previous Saturday night, I asked if we could watch a show I recorded, and he flipped out on me.  The day after I lost my job, he came home in not such a great mood, (we had talked and things were fine later that night that I lost my job), so I asked him what was wrong.  He said he was thinking a lot.  That led to me being lectured on what I need to do job wise.  Like I don't know?  Things settled, and we watched tv for a bit.  I got cold, so I raised the heat one degree.  We went outside for a smoke, and when we came back in, he starts questioning me about the heat.  He ends up getting all upset, raises his voice to me, and goes in the bedroom and slams the door.  By the next day, things were fine again, but I was still a bit upset.  Saturday morning, we had breakfast, things were fine.  He wanted to go to the grocery store, and I said I wanted to shower first... . it helps my pain.  He wanted to get the shopping done first.  I said fine, we'll go there first then.  He said he didn't want me going because I was crabby.  I told him I wasn't, and he kept insisting I was.  I told him I didn't want to stay in the house all day.  He said it's not always about me.  This ended up in yelling back and forth.  He storms off into the bedroom and slams the door.  I was so mad, I took my shower and ended up going for a drive for a couple hours.  When I got back home, he tells me I need to pack up my pictures and stuff, because he's gonna put the house on the market.  His impulsiveness is ridiculous.  This led to more yelling, and him trying to have control over everything.  God forbid I raise my voice, slam something (even if it's mine), he threatens that he'll kick me out that minute.  It seems as though his story every time it comes down to this, is that he's not happy, but he never says he's unhappy when things are going fine.  Just a week ago at our neighbors house, he comments how he doesn't want to be single and how he's happy where he is.  Now this?  I am so depressed, I can barely eat anything, and if I do, I get sick.  I can hardly sleep, although I am exhausted.  I feel as though everything has crashed in around me all at once.  First, dealing with the condo issue, then losing my job, and now losing the love of my life.  I know I've painted a grim picture of him, but the other side of him is a man that I fell madly in love with, was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, who treated me (aside from the occasional bs), like a queen.  I just don't understand how a person can have such major personality changes in the blink of an eye.  He has never been diagnosed, and God knows he doesn't want to hear that it's at all him, but the research I've done points at him being BP.  I just don't know what to do.  I feel so lost, alone, and depressed like I've never felt before.  He texts me earlier and tells me to start packing. The only place I have to go is my mother's, where my daughter and her boyfriend are currently staying.  My mother is OCD and we do not get along when living under the same roof.  I am sickened by this whole thing. 

[gettingoverit]

Oh man, where to begin... .

1. Secrets... . lots of them, I always felt she was keeping information from me... turns out I was right.

2. Financially using and abusing me for 5 years

3. Breaking up with me every spring, then wanting to get back together (I found out later, after her hunt for a new supply proved unsuccessful)

4. Lying about me behind my back to her friends... . of course making herself out to be the victim

5. Hooking up with what I thought was a friend of mine and neighbour and keeping it secret until she knew she had her hooks in

6. After we had split up, she continued to live in my house for two months, while she was ___ing the neighbour, denying that they were together... . AND STILL LIVING IN MY HOUSE WHILE SHE WAS SECRETLY ENGAGED TO THE NEIGHBOUR THREE WEEKS AFTER WE SPLIT AND THEY HOOKED UP!

7. Manipulation and guilt to get what she needed, and if she didn't get it, there was hell to pay via silent treatments

8. Calling the cops on me when I finally caught her lying about the neighbour and where she had been that weekend. She could not face the truth of what she had done and who she had become (betraying, lying, b*tch)

9. Trashed my house while moving out (sneaking out during the week while I was at work)

10. Lied about me to everyone including the loser neighbour... . of course I was abusive... . typical BPD crap.

11. Showed up at my house around Christmas time with her new "fiancé" to return Christmas ornaments that she could have sent me. Again just proves what low lives both of them are.

Bottom line, being in a relationship with her was the worst thing I have ever had to endure thus far in my life. She sucked me emotionally and financially dry. I am so glad that crazy b*tch abuser is out of my life. My gut told from the very beginning that she was "off" somehow. I should have listened to it then. I could have spared myself the heart ache. You know, she once told me that she felt like she was "damaged goods". Boy did she ever call that one.

[gary seven]

1.  Getting thrown out of two towns (home state + another state) and having to get new jobs because of her craziness.

2.  Telling me I'm not allowed to study for a professional recertification exam, which I subsequently flunked, and have my job is hanging  in the balance until I pass it.

3.  Blaming me for abandoning her one gazillion times and I am the source of all of her problems and woes and failed operations

4.  Having her nearly hit me with the frying pan and smashing the glass cooktop.

5.  Chasing me at 3 am all over the house because she has more to discuss.  Tried to hide in my daughter's bed ( she was 6), but she stormed in, turned on the lights, and pulled all the covers off the bed.

6.  Multiple episodes of public verbal, humiliating abuse.

7.  Getting sanctioned at this job for missing almost 4 weeks total of time out of the office to take care of her in the first 5 months of 2013.

8. Throwing all my clothes out of the closet down the steps to the foyer.

9.  Blocking me leaving the driveway and trying to get into the car multiple times in the last two years.

10.  intrusive texting and phone calls in excess of 30 times a day.

[Kallor74]

Well, there are a few I can think of off the top of my head:

Pushed me through a 2nd floor window

Keyed my car

Punched me in the throat as hard as she could and said she'd scream rape if I tried to block it

Threw a glass beer bottle at my face from 5 feet away (I ducked and it exploded on the wall behind me)

Pressed domestic violence charges against me (then later admitted she made it up)

Picked the lock to my condo and scared the hell out of me after knocking for almost an hour

Got me kicked out of my condo for all her screaming/flipping all the computer's at the security guard's station

Kicked me out of her car miles from anywhere on several occasions so I had to walk

Gave me several black eyes from being punched in the face

Pulled a knife on me twice

Scared me into sleeping in a bathtub or closet with the door locked more times than I can remember

Tricked me into getting her pregnant (said she was on birth control)

Stole our daughter and took her to another state when I had temporary custody

I'm sure there's more.

Damn bro, who did u date?  Satan?

[Calm Waters]

there is some very extreme 'acting out' and ist scary that there is so much lack of control and circumspection by some BPD's. However we are all on a spectrum of mental health or dis - health and often moving on it depending on events circumstance etc.

thinking back the most hurtful was drawing me in colluding with my projection and then getting in to rage when i ended it then the suicide attempt by her then the hatred, the whole event was in fact operating at a sub conscious level so for me it just felt like love. I still dont know how much conscious manipulation was coming from her and I never will, and that hurts, how real was it? as real as it could be given the limitations I suppose