What is the etiquette when you see your exBPD but you have been in NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been in NC for a few weeks now. It would have been NC the whole breakup which was 2 months ago but i broke NC and publicly talked to her. After that talk we tried to be civil. But then we had another arguement over the phone the next day. I tried being civil but eventually my anger comes out about how horribly she treated me.

Since then i have been back to NC, it has been easy since we live 30min apart  and only around that area now a few times a month. I have to because of school.

Anyways, i saw her because i had to be there there for another reason. My brother defused the bomb and talked to her while i sat off to the side trying to avoid even going there and making it awkward. As she left we both did a smile and nod.

So what is the NC etiquette when you physically bump into your BPD ex? because i dont know if i can keep avoiding and pretending i dont see them will work forever. and does saying hi break NC?

I have heard of people using LC (little contact) but i dont know if i can do that, weird and too much history.

[Pinoypride18]

I have been in NC for a few weeks now. It would have been NC the whole breakup which was 2 months ago but i broke NC and publicly talked to her. After that talk we tried to be civil. But then we had another arguement over the phone the next day. I tried being civil but eventually my anger comes out about how horribly she treated me.

Since then i have been back to NC, it has been easy since we live 30min apart  and only around that area now a few times a month. I have to because of school.

Anyways, i saw her because i had to be there there for another reason. My brother defused the bomb and talked to her while i sat off to the side trying to avoid even going there and making it awkward. As she left we both did a smile and nod.

So what is the NC etiquette when you physically bump into your BPD ex? because i dont know if i can keep avoiding and pretending i dont see them will work forever. and does saying hi break NC?

I have heard of people using LC (little contact) but i dont know if i can do that, weird and too much history.

[Conundrum]

Err... . there's no Miss Manners protocol. Just be yourself. If you want to play a game with her, then throw some digs about how fabulous your life is without her--but you have to be able to sell that one well.  It's probably wise not to get all emo though, but do whatever feels comfortable to you. There's no absolute right or wrong. On this board I think we really need to start demystifying this whole NC thingy. They're just people--they don't remote control our brains.     

[Perfidy]

What works for me is no acknowledgement. How much etiquette did you receive? I received zero. What do I owe? I am going with zero. It was over from the start. Zero times any thing equals zero.

[fromheeltoheal]

NC is a tool, not a rule.  Talking to an ex can actually help you detach; I spoke with mine months after I left her, and it was the same old crap, manipulation, games.  By then I had gotten my feet on the ground a little, and all her tactics that had worked so well were transparent and pathetic, a real wake up call for me, gave me insight into just how far down the rabbit hole I had gone, and reconfirmed my decision to leave.

Whatever you can handle man.  NC is not detaching, doing the work and healing is.  You'd probably agree that you're not there yet, but feedback like that can be invaluable.  What do you need to do differently to take your power back?

[babyducks]

So what is the NC etiquette when you physically bump into your BPD ex? because i dont know if i can keep avoiding and pretending i dont see them will work forever. and does saying hi break NC?

I see my EX at least once a week because she joined an organization that I have been part of since 1999.   It is difficult for me to handle seeing her.   Stirs up a lot of lingering emotions in me.   

It feels very weird for me to walk by her as if she doesn't exist, not natural at all.   And that bugs me in a different way.

I go with civil but distant. Cordial but disinterested.   I don't go out of my way to speak to her.  I try to not go out of my way to avoid her.   If we are in very close proximity I say hi but don't linger.   I try to not initiate contact.  I do not discuss emotional topics, or our r/s, or our breakup with her or anyone else.   

It still costs me a little emotional turmoil to see her.   Its like a barometer of where I am with my healing.   Some day I hope to get to a place where seeing her will not disturb me.   I am not there yet.


Good Luck

[love4meNOTu]

oh lord...

I would scream "fire!" and run the other way. bwahahahhahahah

No, honestly I would just ignore. There's no way we could just "run" into each other as we live in separate cities and have no mutual friends or family members.

Strangely enough, he is so changed I don't think I would even recognize him, he's very, very overweight now.

L

[BlushAndBashful]

I'm not sure what the etiquette is, but I avoid at all costs. I actually walked out of a mandatory presentation at work because he showed up at the same time/place as me (his office's day was a Wednesday, my office's day was a Tuesday, and "everyone else" was on a Friday. Yup, he walked in on my day). I stood up and exited, stage left. No excuses, no explanations, just walked out.  No one called me out on it, so it's all good. Maybe. 

[Octoberfest]

NC is a tool, not a rule.  Talking to an ex can actually help you detach; I spoke with mine months after I left her, and it was the same old crap, manipulation, games.  By then I had gotten my feet on the ground a little, and all her tactics that had worked so well were transparent and pathetic, a real wake up call for me, gave me insight into just how far down the rabbit hole I had gone, and reconfirmed my decision to leave.



Whatever you can handle man.  NC is not detaching, doing the work and healing is.  You'd probably agree that you're not there yet, but feedback like that can be invaluable.  What do you need to do differently to take your power back?

This is very interesting to me.

I have not seen my BPDex in 9 months. I have not spoken with her in almost 7.  Last time I did speak to her, before I blocked her number, I was very raw still.  I pray I never run into her again, but I was just today thinking "what if".  The above perspective is interesting because I could see, I think still in a little more time, running into her or talking to her for some reason and feeling the exact same way.  

To the original question, I don't know that there is proper etiquette.  YOU are what is important.  Not her, not how she thinks of you, not how you come off to her.  :)o what you need to do to be healthy and keep your sanity  

[santa]

Throw a rock at her.

[Moonie75]

Self preservation!

Whatever you need to do, for your own good in that moment. Put yourself & your emotions before theirs & get through the moment with dignity.

Don't surrender your dignity to anybody, EVER!

[Madison66]

This one hits home with me.  I live five houses away from my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years.  I cut the cord 60 days ago and have maintained 45 days of n/c.  It is obviously not easy with her and her three kids so close by.  I have had to literally walk the other way a number of times to avoid crossing paths with her and her kids.  Today, while I was out shoveling snow and ice she pushed her kids past my house on a sled.  I was down on the sidewalk talking to a neighbor when I saw them coming.  I then walked up my stairs to my porch to shovel there.  As I looked up, she was looking back at me smiling and waving.  I just gave a quick wave and turned the other way.  I'm serious about not breaking n/c and feel that any friendly contact will potentially end up opening the door for her to charm me.  I won't go there.  It is all about self preservation and moving forward.  We recycled three times during the r/s and the longest b/u was two weeks.  I just feel something in going to happen in the next 2-4 weeks with her attempting to contact me.  Nothing good will come out of me being friendly at this point.   

[letmeout]

No acknowledgement works for me too.

Mine was present at a grandson's birthday party at Chuckie Cheeses recently. I wouldn't make eye contact or go near him, but I heard he watched me the whole time he was there.  It did creep me out a little because I know what he is capable of.

[Tausk]

RUN!  :)on't walk.  Flee as if your pants were on fire

Honestly, it all depends.  But the above suggestion is a low risk one when there's not kids involved.  For example, I don't need any further interactions with heroin either.  

The first time I saw my cheating ex with her new husband, it hurt so much all I could do was run away.  

Now, I'm able to depersonalize a lot of it, and simply ignore her as I run away.  

I try not to be cruel, because I know she's damaged.  And, I do my best not to scream, "Warning... . Evil Destructive Cheating Sociopath in the House!"

It sounds like you handled it very well and with Style and Grace.  Congrats and thanks for posting.  It gives me hope that I will be able to handle things like you are handling them.  

[Perfidy]

Feral.

[willneverno]

I have had no verbal contact with my wife for three months,she has however presented herself,with my replacement at places she knows I will be,this is clearly deliberate,maybe she is trying to provoke a response,she will look straight through me,laughing and joking with the new me (POOR BUGGER) . . . My reaction is to do nothing and just go about my business.Today we have something new . . .she has been to mutual friends,badmouthing me,I guess its just the next stage in the process,again I choose to do nothing.I dont know if thats the right thing to do,someone told me something that I think applies to this situation,IF YOU CHOOSE TO WRESTLE WITH A PIG,BOTH YOU AND THE PIG WILL GET COVERED IN SH-T,THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE PIG IS THAT THE PIG WILL ENJOY IT,this rings loudly in my ears . . . !  

[Happy1]

This is one of those times, that they're counting on you having a conscience and possibly feeling sorry and guilty toward them. It's right out of their "playbook" for continuing to try and recycle you. You have to fight the internal urge and needs of yourself to realize, it probably doesn't matter to them one way or another if you're in their lives or not. Other than for the fact that they may "need" you for something that they've been able to manipulate you upon in the past.

It's hard to understand, but you're simply a "source" and an "object" for them. A source for attention or narc. supply that they may need (and surely cultivate in others all of the time) and an object to control and manipulate in order for them to "feel" "real" or validated as "being". Again, it's strange and hard to get your head around, because they "act" so normal and say at times those heart warming/breaking lines to you. It's how they've learned to get "their needs met" or more simply how to get along in life and to "survive" their disorder and what having it brings to them.

So, my advice would be to ignore them completely and don't let them "in" in terms of your life and psyche anymore. By ignoring them and holding NC, you're saying to them, "You've hurt me and I'm protecting myself from you as I don't trust that you won't hurt me again." And, as I've said before here on this board, "they'll very simply move along to another 'source' using the same tactics upon that person as they did to manipulate you in the first place." They have no real conscience or sense of people and their feelings like the rest of us, just an unquenchable appetite 'for' (as in devourment of) people."

You're never going to get what you want with this person, just more games and pain. Guaranteed! But deep inside you already know that, don't you?

[letmeout]

"You've hurt me and I'm protecting myself from you as I don't trust that you won't hurt me again."

I am 100% certain that my ex does not see it that way. He lives in denial that his bad behavior ended the marriage.  He can not comprehend why I could no longer tolerate his abuse or want to have anything to do with him. Sad little pig.

[Dutched]

She left, I am split black.  A few months after the break up she said “you hurt me”…

One can’t reverse their feeling of being hurt/blame into fact.  I found a sort of peace in that.

  3+ yr. out and divorced, I am not healed (LC for Son and the legal war), but finalizing legal matters only a few months ago (with 2 months of dragging on her side), I really don’t feel confident  on how to react if I bump into her.

A little hope I have as she is avoiding me like the plague. So I think I am the one wearing a mask…  to look ice and ice cold on the outside, burning inside

I think/hope to manage to be cold and indifferent as you manage to do! Chapeau for you! 

[ShadowDancer]

I ran into her and her and "then" replacement only once. It went instinctively like this after she made herself obvious;

I smiled and said how are you *****, pronouncing a name slightly but distinctively different than her own.

She said my name is **** and you know it.

I said oh yeah that's right, now I remember. Well nice to see you... . and turned on my heel without introducing my companion for the evening.

I noticed her new object eying me with a look of... . envy?

My companion asked who THAT woman.

I replied... . a friend of a friend.

Companion then remarked, she has crazy eyes.

I said I noticed that too.

End of conversation about her.

[seeking balance]

Interesting answers to choose from!

If I am in a situation where I am not seen (meaning no eye contact) - I do nothing and get out of there... . I have no desire for any contact.

I was at a funeral and walked by ex and did the nod, that seemed appropriate for the situation.

Some folks eventually get to the point of casual conversation, I won't - my hurt went too deep.  It really does depend on the type of relationship, the fallout, and how much time has passed.

However, if there are kids in the equation - I do think it requires a different approach.

There is no right or wrong answer IMHO.