What is the most heartless thing your ex-BPD did to you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I almost thought about breaking down and calling her tonight and then I remembered how selfish and heartless she was capable of being... .

She did some cruel things, but there are two that stand out the most... .

1.  My dad passed away, I was a mess and instead of coming right over to console me, she was on the phone with some guy she called a "friend."  When I got upset over it she told me, and I quote, "Well, I had a bad day at work and needed to talk to someone."

2.  We went camping.  She got hammered.  It was getting dark.  I accidentally tripped and fell on my way back from the camp store. I looking for her phone that she thought she lost and I  fractured my shoulder.  I was in a lot of pain.  For some reason she thought  I slighted her dog earlier that day and ripped me off the air mattress in our tent and made me sleep on the cold hard floor with my broken arm.  That was not a fun night.  She blamed it on being blackout drunk.

To her being blackout drunk meant she shouldn't be held responsible for her actions.  I heard this numerous times.

Oh and BTW she didn't believe I actually hurt myself until the MRI came back and even then she still showed no compassion.  The urge to contact her has passed.

[lost_in_translation]

I almost thought about breaking down and calling her tonight and then I remembered how selfish and heartless she was capable of being... .

She did some cruel things, but there are two that stand out the most... .

1.  My dad passed away, I was a mess and instead of coming right over to console me, she was on the phone with some guy she called a "friend."  When I got upset over it she told me, and I quote, "Well, I had a bad day at work and needed to talk to someone."

2.  We went camping.  She got hammered.  It was getting dark.  I accidentally tripped and fell on my way back from the camp store. I looking for her phone that she thought she lost and I  fractured my shoulder.  I was in a lot of pain.  For some reason she thought  I slighted her dog earlier that day and ripped me off the air mattress in our tent and made me sleep on the cold hard floor with my broken arm.  That was not a fun night.  She blamed it on being blackout drunk.

To her being blackout drunk meant she shouldn't be held responsible for her actions.  I heard this numerous times.

Oh and BTW she didn't believe I actually hurt myself until the MRI came back and even then she still showed no compassion.  The urge to contact her has passed.

[hurting300]

I was on the floor almost crying in pain, I pulled an upper back muscle. Well she continued to eat dinner and never seemed to be moved by it. She rarely showed emotions.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Let's see, the first heartless thing was 4 years ago. My father died and two weeks later she's telling me her neighbor's husband has died and she's sent the lady a sympathy card. I let loose and told her I had yet to see one from her for my dad's death. We had been together 6 years at that point. Very out of character for her, it seemed to me. I was wrong, of course.

And in this year's birthday card, at 9.5 years together in a lesbian relationship, she types me a note and informs me she has been dating men this summer and that she and her kids were going down a different path. Heartless could be one word, cruel and gutless are the correct ones.

[emancipated]

Giving the dog we adopted.together away without. Giving. Me a chance to.come.get her... or.telling me I killed our kids... Miscarriages she in the end said was my fault it felt like I got punched in the face

[Trog]

Giving the dog we adopted.together away without. Giving. Me a chance to.come.get her... or.telling me I killed our kids... Miscarriages she in the end said was my fault it felt like I got punched in the face

Yes, so many they stopped carrying weight after a while. Same as you, miscarriages were my fault, that I deserved to be abused as a kid, that when I was mugged it happened so that I would better understand how she felt about something, the list is really endless, the way she behaves is closer to enemies than lovers.

One of the main reasons I left her is because I am looking at the future, and in know I will need the support of a wife when my parents die, I know she would gloat at my mothers deaths. Urgh. Not worth it. I'm off out, thinking of her is bringing up my lunch.

[Elpis]

My sister died a couple of years ago--I had to tell him to please hug me, and the fact that I took my supportive daughter with me to the funeral is still something he brings up to show how I've slighted him.

And a couple of times when he was in a rage he called me a name--my mother's name, knowing that she was the one person who had hurt me the worst. Well, until I figured out how badly he'd hurt me anyway.

Remembering these things does help us not make those mistakes of wishing for the past, don't they?

[Deeno02]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for. When she had her BS fibromyalgia stuff, I had to drop what I was doing and fawn over her.

Never hung much with her friends, I felt unacceptable and not worthy

I think the most hurtful was when we would have a little dispute and work it out, we would hang on the couch watch a movie or perhaps go out or something and at the end of the night, as I was ready to leave, I would go to kiss her goodnight and I would get the "mmm mmm, I have to like you again first" as she turned her cheek for me to kiss. I dont know why, but that hurt me badly, still does.

[going places]

1. Allowing me to believe that all of my efforts, compromises, all of my love was what he wanted.

2. Allowing the 'bibilical counselsor' to the the damage he did to me.

3. Allowing me to believe that he loved me, and wanted the same things; plans; goals.

4. Allowing me to believe he was a Follower and Believer; when he was just 'pretending'.

5. Take our daughter on a date with him and his mistress. (kids and I didn't know he was having an affair)

6. Bought me earrings (from his hoe) and gave them to me only so he could spend more time with his hoe.

7. Allowed me to believe that we were moving in a good direction when he texting his gf 1000 times in a 2 week time period.

8. Leaving me to wonder "what was real"... .which I have come to the conclusion; NOTHING was real.

9. Watching me sink into self destructive depression and doing noting about it, and actually making me believe it was my fault.

10. The most heartless thing? Looking at his daughters in 2011 and saying he would rather have sex with his gf than be a husband and father, and didn't have the whoo haas to drive to where his son was to tell him he had asked me for a divorce. Made me and the girls do it... .because he had to get a new phone so he could continue his sex-texts with his girl friend.

This forever is etched in the minds of the children.

Heartless? Yep. Soulless. Most definitely.

[milo1967]

1.  My dad passed away, I was a mess and instead of coming right over to console me, she was on the phone with some guy she called a "friend."

^^^^^

Wow, I'm sorry to say, "Me too":  a few days after my beloved mother died, I was in the throes of grief, literally sitting on the floor crying. I called XW at work and told her to come home, that I needed her to comfort me. She said she'd be right home--and instead went to have sex with the man with whom she was having an affair. She came home hours later. That was the second time I told her I wanted a divorce. Unfortunately I believed her begging and pleading and apologies and it took a few more horrible actions on her part for me to finally carry through and divorce her.

But that was the worst.

Strength to all of us.

[Popcorn71]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

[downwhim]

Watching me fall apart at the end of the relationship and him sitting there with his arms crossed - silent treatment.

Telling me to kiss him on the cheek. No more lips (doesn't like lip gloss- yep, cheating)

Saying, I no longer want to sleep at your house - if you want me you can come to mine. Then saying is shoulder hurt and hugging the edge of the bed - cheating.

Telling me that I cannot move to Arizona because he is and that is his plan in two years. (it was our plan and we were looking at houses).

Saying, I never wanted to marry you, it was what you wanted - cheating at the time

"Give me my ring back!" 11 emails sent in a row demanding the ring

"I would rather be alone than with you right now." bull, cheating

He would not show up for weddings we were to go to, friends for dinner, just abandoned me and would not pick up his phone. It was devastating. I would reach him finally and say can we talk and he would say "NO!" Here we were engaged and I constantly had to make excuses why he wasn't there. Humiliating and embarrassing.

When my mom died we were broken up. Then of course got back together. To this day he has never said one word about it. No card, no I am so sorry NOTHING.

Thanks for this post. I needed to be reminded why he is not good for me.

[Deeno02]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

Beats me. First 6-7 months were cool for the most part, then the devaluation began. Cant get a handle on why Im so affected still by it.

[workinprogress]

The heartless things she did?

When my grandma died and I expressed regret over not seeing her more my wife yelled at me.

She never tells me that she loves me, and I have brought this up to her many times.  Yet, she can tell whoever her new "best friend" is that she loves them.  Usually when she tells whoever it is that she loves them they just look at her like she's crazy.

Never sharing a bed with me on vacation. 

Never letting me touch her.

Complaining that I don't make enough money when she refused to move so I could take a job with unlimited financial potential because she didn't want to leave her "friends."

[Blimblam]

It's so incredibly sadistic I can't even post it.

[workinprogress]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

Beats me. First 6-7 months were cool for the most part, then the devaluation began. Cant get a handle on why Im so affected still by it.

Don't beat yourself up over it, it's been two decades for me and I can't quite figure out why I'm still attached.  I think they present a picture of the future to us.  They disarm us and make us think that they are devoted and loyal.  In fact, my wife kept expressing doubts in me which made me want to prove myself to her.  I'm wondering if it was just some kind of trap. 

[Deeno02]

I dont know. So many.

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Emotional abuse

Calling my kids names

Calling me unlovable, emotionless, incapable of love

the constant, ever so slight snarky comments all the time

When I was sick with a cold or back issue, I was made fun of, called old, broken down. Never cared for.

Same here - why did we put up with it?

Beats me. First 6-7 months were cool for the most part, then the devaluation began. Cant get a handle on why Im so affected still by it.

Don't beat yourself up over it, it's been two decades for me and I can't quite figure out why I'm still attached.  I think they present a picture of the future to us.  They disarm us and make us think that they are devoted and loyal.  In fact, my wife kept expressing doubts in me which made me want to prove myself to her.  I'm wondering if it was just some kind of trap. 

Sure it is. They set you on such a high pedestal your going to fail, no matter what. However long it takes, you will fail. Trap sprung.

[Spartacus]

It is helpful to be reminded of a few heartless acts my uBPDw did, particularly if I ever start wondering if it was me causing the chaos.

- Telling me that, as honesty was the foundation for a good, sustainable relationship, it was important for her to let me know how disappointed she was with my proposal of marriage to her. It was not enough of a surprise. I would need to fix this and make it up to her.

- Telling me that I should have known how stressed she was (home, work, family, dress, life) and that I should have cancelled the wedding knowing that she was not in a fit state to do so herself.

- Demanding that I give her a dramatic bowing/dip kiss like in the movies at the train station and when this did not live up to her expectations repeatedly shouting "Is that the best you can do!"

- Snarling at me that she wanted an annulment after I was a couple of minutes late for collecting her from the station.

- Texting me that she was looking on line at single parent forums a week after telling me she was pregnant.

- After a very happy night out, shouting at me that I was losing her and who are you? repeatedly.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Thinking and believing that my exBPDgf cared about me.

She always made sure to tell me.

Her actions, however, proved otherwise over time.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Not the most evil but the most funniest evil thing she said was that I was evil like the Joker in Batman. Classic projection. 

[WhyMe?]

Certainly not the first or only one... .But one of my cats (who he supposedly loved) got sick and I had to put him down unexpectedly. When I told him, he remembered his childhood cat who had died 20 years prior (I never even knew he'd had a cat till that day). He started crying and told me I was being selfish when I mentioned my cat that I had put down that very day

[RisingSun]

My xw and I bought land in the mountains. I helped build a cabin during my free time on the weekends. It took two years of continuos work to get things in order.

We had just finished with the bulk of the work (cabin, huge organic garden, landscaping, all finished) and were at a point where we could enjoy the retreat we had created.

Soon after all was finished, I found out about her affair. And to make a long story short, on my last visit to our cabin, the grass had been mowed, weed-eating done, place looked great.

Come to find out, my replacement was already moving in on my turf and taking care of the place. This is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

I busted my ass to create a place my xw and I could go to escape the city. It was our life long dream. I put so much love and hard work into that land and cabin.

And in the end, she tossed me out, took the land and cabin and moved the replacement in. In pains me greatly to think about it. I lose a lot of sleep over this.   

[Indyan]

The most horrible things he's done to me:

- telling me half way into the pregnancy that "we were just friends, that I deserved to be alone, that he would leave me in my sht and contact me again when baby would be born to arrange shared custody"

(he came back one week later as if nothing had happened, I was in such shock, that's when I searched the internet and found out about BPD).

- going totally depressed last July after I found out that he'd seen a lawyer behind my back, sheltering at his parents and turning all his family against me by telling them God knows what.

- a couple of months later, doing everything he could to put me and the kids in the sht financially and emotionally: writing to the benefits, sending the notice to the landlord, writing horrible threatening mails to me constantly, all the while playing the victim to his horrible family

- finally: destroying the beautiful memories I had by telling I had forced him in everything, from going for a walk as friends to having a baby, saying our r/s was a mistake and making his parents and sisters read ALL OUR MAILS since April (I think they helped him sort out his messages to file a complaint for "moral abuse" from me !)

[clydegriffith]

It's a toss up between having me falsely arrested on DV allegations 4 times and cheating on me with about a dozen people, including some of my friends, the last instance of which i had the pleasure of walking in on. Oh and don't forget trapping me with a child and forcing fatherhood on me after knowing each other for about a month. There's much much more but that's about the worst of it.

[cehlers55]

Mostly the things my wife did were to isolate me from my family and some friends. She always said how my folks and my siblings hated her. She never let up. I started believing the awful things she said about my folks/family were true.

I had to constantly make excuses why she wasn't attending family functions. Telling friends why she wasn't there. That was horrible.

I was close to the end. And then my sister and her husbands baby was getting baptized. And she refused to go to it. I was devastated. A childs baptism. And she doesn't go. I begged her. Pleaded. I even told her how my parents got a cake for us afterward to celebrate our anniversary which was the next day. I considered not going myself (manipulation). But I did go. All the while she is insisting on how much everyone hated her.

Then she tells me she's meeting with a doctor to have some of her eggs removed and frozen. She says she's doing this because the relationship problems caused by my family are such that we cannot have children now but maybe some time in the future.

I was shocked. Surgically removed and frozen eggs? Now i really know you're psychotic. And thanks for telling me. Because now i have the clarity to know that i have to leave you.

Then she told me that if we ever did have a child she would never be comfortable with the child being alone with anyone in my family... .Strike 3.

[Indyan]

Then she told me that if we ever did have a child she would never be comfortable with the child being alone with anyone in my family... .Strike 3.

Projection.

Mine went crazy over "when you decide I'm worthless, you'll run away with baby", when in fact that's EXACTLY what he'd have done, had he been given the opportunity.

Instead he's taken a new appartment and takes baby at week-ends and I'm not even allowed to see where it is.

Or he demanded that I tell him about my every move but never tells where he goes or does with baby (I don't ask).

[milo1967]

Awful thing XBPD did/said runner-up:

She became pregnant. We agonized over whether to bring it to term. (We already had two kids and the stress was overwhelming.) finally we came to the decision to terminate. I took her to the clinic, held her hand, cried with her and nursed her in the aftermath.

Some months later she matter-of-factly told me the baby was her affair person's, not mine. And she expressed guilt--not for her cruel deception of me--but over the fact that HE was "very angry" she aborted.

The final bizarre, heartless, clueless disordered denouement:

":)o you see what a sacrifice I made for you? See how much I love you?" And carried on with her affair.

I stared, aghast.

A few moths later I filed for divorce.

I shudder thinking about it and am still filled with disgust at myself for staying with her as long as I did.

[.cup.car]

Claim I was stalking her and making up stories about us to "feel better" about being "rejected".

I'm not sure what's more frightening.

The fact that they throw around major accusations at the drop of a hat, OR continue to run with these accusations and get other people to vouch for their ficticious stories.

And I mean, I've had gf's in the past where things didnt work out, but i never outright denied the relationship.

[going places]

My xw and I bought land in the mountains. I helped build a cabin during my free time on the weekends. It took two years of continuos work to get things in order.

We had just finished with the bulk of the work (cabin, huge organic garden, landscaping, all finished) and were at a point where we could enjoy the retreat we had created.

Bought a home w 5 acres; talked about cows, chickens, homesteading.

Planted an orchard, vines, 15 raised beds

Canned, had rain barrels, etc... .

The "dream" was to sell this place when the kids grew up and find a spot in TN and pay cash for it and live simple self sufficent lives!

RED FLAG ONE

I was doing all the work... .no, ALL the work.

Soon after all was finished, I found out about her affair. And to make a long story short, on my last visit to our cabin, the grass had been mowed, weed-eating done, place looked great.

Come to find out, my replacement was already moving in on my turf and taking care of the place. This is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

Found out about the affair (that had been going on for 8 months) 2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary (been together 22 years).

I had NO idea.

Totally Totally blind sided me.

HE told the kids (then 17 and 21 both girls) he would rather have sex with his hoe than be a father and husband.

To their face.

With no expression.

RED FLAG 2

His mask fell off and the REAL 'him' now was visible, and I tried to make it work for 2.5 more years.

I busted my ass to create a place my xw and I could go to escape the city. It was our life long dream. I put so much love and hard work into that land and cabin.

And in the end, she tossed me out, took the land and cabin and moved the replacement in. In pains me greatly to think about it. I lose a lot of sleep over this.  

I just sold our house.

At almost 50, I will be starting from scratch.

And you know what? That's ok

It's better than the lies and abuse.

[RisingSun]

My xw and I bought land in the mountains. I helped build a cabin during my free time on the weekends. It took two years of continuos work to get things in order.

We had just finished with the bulk of the work (cabin, huge organic garden, landscaping, all finished) and were at a point where we could enjoy the retreat we had created.

Bought a home w 5 acres; talked about cows, chickens, homesteading.

Planted an orchard, vines, 15 raised beds

Canned, had rain barrels, etc... .

The "dream" was to sell this place when the kids grew up and find a spot in TN and pay cash for it and live simple self sufficent lives!

RED FLAG ONE

I was doing all the work... .no, ALL the work.

Soon after all was finished, I found out about her affair. And to make a long story short, on my last visit to our cabin, the grass had been mowed, weed-eating done, place looked great.

Come to find out, my replacement was already moving in on my turf and taking care of the place. This is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me.

Found out about the affair (that had been going on for 8 months) 2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary (been together 22 years).

I had NO idea.

Totally Totally blind sided me.

HE told the kids (then 17 and 21 both girls) he would rather have sex with his hoe than be a father and husband.

To their face.

With no expression.

RED FLAG 2

His mask fell off and the REAL 'him' now was visible, and I tried to make it work for 2.5 more years.

I busted my ass to create a place my xw and I could go to escape the city. It was our life long dream. I put so much love and hard work into that land and cabin.

And in the end, she tossed me out, took the land and cabin and moved the replacement in. In pains me greatly to think about it. I lose a lot of sleep over this.  

I just sold our house.

At almost 50, I will be starting from scratch.

And you know what? That's ok

It's better than the lies and abuse.

Yes, life without abuse and lies is always going to be a better life, regardless of what we lost.

So sorry your deadbeat husband did this to you. There's no accuse for this kind of behavior.

We have similar stories. My xw and I were planning on retiring in the mountains as well. We were setting things up where we could homestead and live a simple life.

Looking back now, I understand why my she was in such a hurry to have me finish certain things around the land. She wanted to make sure everything was

in order before she replaced me. Who does sh!t like this and can still live with themselves?

[peiper]

Well the biggest was finding out she'd been cheating a month if not earlier after we were married. The constant blame in such a gaslighting way that had me in deep depression. Her devaluing hurtful comments. I needed to read this thread, it came at just the right time.