What is the most heartless thing your ex-BPD did to you?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's taken me a while to realize this as I never really kept score.  Probably a defense mechanism so that I could keep myself in the relationship.

But here are the ones that really stick out:

1.) My dog of 16 years passed away a few years ago.  It was probably the first time she saw me cry and she just seemed annoyed.  I remember feeling embarrassed for letting my emotions get to me.  I remember being in the car and she very unsympathetically said, "Ugh, do you want me to drive?"  I pulled it together and never brought it up again.  

2.)  I was really sick 4 years ago, way more than just a typical cold or strep.  We were living together and I didn't go to school (was in grad school at the time) and couldn't really do much.  She basically left me alone in the spare room.  :)idn't really care for me, didn't offer me food or medicine.  I just remember feeling like I had to take care of myself because no one else would.  She just sort of ignored me until I was better.  

3.)  My grandfather recently had open heart surgery.  She was out of town and had planned to be long before this surgery was planned.  This was roughly a month or so before she left.  She didn't call to check in to see how he was doing.  :)idn't ask when she got back.  She just said a few days later that she was bummed she couldn't be there.  It didn't really seem like a genuine comment.  That was probably the first time I truly felt and realized that I was going it alone in the r/s.  

4.) This last one I didn't find out about until after she left.  About 2 weeks after she left, my mom told me that during the lead up to our wedding, she had asked my ex if she could ask the officiant to include a brief statement honoring the grandparents who were unable to attend.  My grandmother was losing her battle against Alzheimer's and was no longer going to be able to attend.  My ex told my mother via e-mail that "Things were already really too full.  Sorry."  After all, it was her day.  Her wedding.  Blah blah blah  

My grandmother did not come to the wedding, no announcement was made, and my grandmother passed some 3 months after the wedding.


There are probably more.   And I'm guessing she probably cheated on me judging by her actions now and her actions before me.  No reason to think otherwise.  

 

[billypilgrim]

It's taken me a while to realize this as I never really kept score.  Probably a defense mechanism so that I could keep myself in the relationship.

But here are the ones that really stick out:

1.) My dog of 16 years passed away a few years ago.  It was probably the first time she saw me cry and she just seemed annoyed.  I remember feeling embarrassed for letting my emotions get to me.  I remember being in the car and she very unsympathetically said, "Ugh, do you want me to drive?"  I pulled it together and never brought it up again.  

2.)  I was really sick 4 years ago, way more than just a typical cold or strep.  We were living together and I didn't go to school (was in grad school at the time) and couldn't really do much.  She basically left me alone in the spare room.  :)idn't really care for me, didn't offer me food or medicine.  I just remember feeling like I had to take care of myself because no one else would.  She just sort of ignored me until I was better.  

3.)  My grandfather recently had open heart surgery.  She was out of town and had planned to be long before this surgery was planned.  This was roughly a month or so before she left.  She didn't call to check in to see how he was doing.  :)idn't ask when she got back.  She just said a few days later that she was bummed she couldn't be there.  It didn't really seem like a genuine comment.  That was probably the first time I truly felt and realized that I was going it alone in the r/s.  

4.) This last one I didn't find out about until after she left.  About 2 weeks after she left, my mom told me that during the lead up to our wedding, she had asked my ex if she could ask the officiant to include a brief statement honoring the grandparents who were unable to attend.  My grandmother was losing her battle against Alzheimer's and was no longer going to be able to attend.  My ex told my mother via e-mail that "Things were already really too full.  Sorry."  After all, it was her day.  Her wedding.  Blah blah blah  

My grandmother did not come to the wedding, no announcement was made, and my grandmother passed some 3 months after the wedding.


There are probably more.   And I'm guessing she probably cheated on me judging by her actions now and her actions before me.  No reason to think otherwise.  

 

[WhyMe?]

Here's another (and it should've been a red flag as well, but boy was I stupid).

One night, after my divorce, I was over his place. He'd manipulate me to go over there (for the good of our relationship - WHILE he was cheating on me) and then barely talk to me. If I tried to leave, he'd block the door so I couldn't.

This night I was stretched so thin that I snapped and screamed at him when I realized it was going to be another night with Mr. Moody. I threw my car keys on the ground (and then had to explain to my exh why my remote was shattered - I didn't realize it had happened but as soon as he noticed it I knew when I had done it). I really really screamed. I didn't even know I could scream like that. All I wanted to do was go home and stare at a wall and sleep.

He looked at me with a horrible look on his face, and told me I needed psychiatric help and he was going to get it for me. Then he picked up his phone and made a call.

The worst thing was I was actually glad. There was a picture in my head of movies and tv shows where someone is committed who shouldn't be then drugged to be submissive because they kept trying to say they didn't belong there, but all I could think of was "thank god, I can get out of here and get some REST. hopefully my family can spring me loose".

This was a few months before I learned of BPD and gas lighting. I was already starting to suspect that many of the "calls" he made were fake and was keeping track of them. This one, he never made. But it served his end purpose as I stayed for the night.

Ironically, less than 18 months later, he transported his sister 5000 miles against her will and the family entered her into rehab for drug abuse.

[vortex of confusion]

Wow, there are so many little bitty things that have hurt me to my core.

A year or two ago, I had enough of the bending and twisting and I gave in to temptation and talked to a guy online for two days. I was so overcome with guilt that I told my husband. His response was, "Maybe we should see other people and I think I am bisexual." Keep in mind that we had been married for 16 years and have 4 kids together. Instead of making any effort to improve things between us, he used it as an excuse for both of us to fool around on the side. That was a disaster.

The week of our 15th wedding anniversary, he asked me not to talk to any of my male friends. I said, "Okay, sure." I told my friends that I would be out of pocket for a while. Anyway, for our 15th anniversary, I asked my husband to set up the VCR so we could watch our wedding tape with the kids. He didn't but he wanted to look through my emails. Long story short, the day after our anniversary he told me to go f**k (and yes, he used that word) this German guy. He said I would probably like having that and he couldn't wait to hear about it. I didn't do anything with that guy but it hurt me to the core. It was so unbelievably cruel to ask me to not talk to anybody one day and then encourage me to go get physical with somebody the next.

[hergestridge]

I don't think it was the worst thing, but the most heartless thing was propably my 40th birthday in its entirety. We were on our own, because our three year old daughter had just had the flu, so noone wanted to come and visit us for that reason.

We got up in the morning and my wife asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted the whole family to go out in the woods. It was mid-winter and there was lots of snow. We found a good location and we all had a good time. My daughter had so much fun, riding her sledge in the snow. Then something started to go wrong. My wife got annoyed about the way our daughter placed herself in the sledge so she kept falling off. I didn't think much off it. Suddenly I realized my wife was heading for the car quickly without saying a word why. Me and my daughter was not done playing. I tried talking to her, but she just walked away and did not respond.

Our daughter sensed that something was wrong so funtime was over, she got anxious and cried. I had to carry her to the car and comfort her. Not a word from my wife as we headed home in the car. She told me to go a supermarket. We went there, she went inside and bought something.

When we came home she had bought me a small cupcake and gave me a birthday card. It was a vintage erotic card (twenties?) on which she had written something about "... .you'll have your gift later". She just handed it over and didn't look at me.

After dinner she hurried off the bed and I spent the night alone in front of the TV.

It seems that she initially didn't plan on celebrating my birthday at all, then changed her mind and opted for a sexual favour. Then she decided she hated me so much she gave me a cupcake and a broken promise.

Her infidelity and her threats were worse in a way, but that day was kind of... .brutal.

[going places]

Yes, life without abuse and lies is always going to be a better life, regardless of what we lost.

So sorry your deadbeat husband did this to you. There's no accuse for this kind of behavior.

We have similar stories. My xw and I were planning on retiring in the mountains as well. We were setting things up where we could homestead and live a simple life.

I still want to live a self-sufficient lifestyle... .and maybe someday I might meet someone like minded and it will be amazing.

Until then?

I'm heading for the Gulf Coast.

Get to S. Florida, save a few pennies, maybe open a bar & grill of my own.

I can still be self sufficient on an acre!

I will miss planting 125+ tomato plants, canning, jamming, etc... .but I am ready for something new, fresh, different (Gulf Coast!)

Looking back now, I understand why my she was in such a hurry to have me finish certain things around the land. She wanted to make sure everything was

in order before she replaced me. Who does sh!t like this and can still live with themselves?

Yeah... .crappy.

He waited until all 3 kids were 17 or older so he didn't have to pay support. Classy dude.

The hardest part to get over was the fact that he lied, and lied, and lied and was having an affair... .and had me believing everything was ok... .

Who does crap like this?

Crappy people.

[Indyan]

I still want to live a self-sufficient lifestyle... .and maybe someday I might meet someone like minded and it will be amazing.

It was our dream too, although for different reasons. Me because I love nature and leading a green life is appealing. He, because society is doomed and sooner or later we'll end up with no electricity, no supermarkets and a civil war... .

Anyhow, we moved into the house I'm still in, only a year ago (he left last July... .). He was so happy with that house because, although in a small town, it has a very big garden at the back made to plant vegetables. We planted lots of things, especially him as he used to spend a huge amount of time gardening. I had bought him all sorts of tools, a greenhouse, gloves and boots... .all of which now lies in the shed and it breaks my heart to see them... .as if my bf was dead really.

I harvested all our vegeteables on my own, back from hols in September. It made me feel very sad indeed.

[nowwhatz]

This may not seem like much and I am sure others (if they knew) what I have gone through they would pick many other things that were worse.

The worst thing my exBPDgf did to me was play mind games with foriegn language in the worst way.   No expert on espanol here but 2 common ways to say I love you are Te amo (the real deal) an Te quiero (broader spectrum of "love" meanings... .can be the real deal... .can be I want you like I want to have sex with you... .and who knows what in between).

At a post-breakup discussion between recycles the exBPDgf said when she said I love you she meant the second one.    Forget the fact that she also said te amo many times!

Anyways for some reason I thought this was particularly cold-blooded and sucked the life out of my soul.

Ironically I turned the table on her yesterday after our lengthy discussion and told her not to worry and te quiero no te amo while saying goodbye.  Pissed her off I think.

[Trog]

The last contact I had with her she called me and the first thing she tells me is that she has a crush on someone. We hadn't spoken for some time so she just called me up specifically to tell me that! This isn't really hurtful, but it is pathetic and embarrassing. I can't fathom a person like this, I haven't told my friends or family about this incident as I'm just ashamed, her pathetic nature reflects really badly on me. This was my wife, what was I thinking marrying such a crazy, callous woman. It's a little bit funny if it were not tragic and cost me my house.

[Elpis]

  I think they present a picture of the future to us.  They disarm us and make us think that they are devoted and loyal.  In fact, my wife kept expressing doubts in me which made me want to prove myself to her. 

Whoa... .this was my long marriage... .in such simple terms. Many words expressing that picture of the future to us, but nothing to back it up. And even now my adult kids believe that when he tells them he still loves me that means I should just cave and return "home." Words are just... .WORDS sometimes.

[Elpis]

It also occurs to me that one of the most cruel things he's done to me is trying to turn our 4 adult children against me by making me the "bad guy" and he's done such a good job with the daughter and her husband who live out of the country that they will barely be decent to me. We had been really close for years, and now they've picked a side. Their bad.

It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

[Whitebread]

As I noted in another thread he was such a jerk in the ER he would not follow their request to stay in my treatment room so they had the state police come in.  He argued with them.  They tased him and carted him off... .i was suffering complications following colon cancer surgery and was left there alone.  He didn't understand why I was so upset.  No transportation issues though, i was readmitted for 2 weeks.


Due to the cancer surgery and 3 following surgeries I suffered some nerve damage (ahem) in some delicate areas.  Meaning I required a some effort to physically be ready for sex... this was not the case pre cancer.  Rather than understanding and using this situation as a way of deepening our bond and working together, he declared it was " too complicated" and never tried again.  Other forms of gratification weren't good enough, he wanted actual intercourse.

He continually humiliated me by saying that his sex life was over and it was all my fault. 

Sorry for the TMI but it really really broke my heart   :'(

Since he felt I was doing it on purpose, he retaliated by shutting down what little affection he ever showed me, even dramatically moving away if I happened to accidentally touch him while sleeping. 

Jeeze, I'm an idiot.

[Deeno02]

As I noted in another thread he was such a jerk in the ER he would not follow their request to stay in my treatment room so they had the state police come in.  He argued with them.  They tased him and carted him off... .i was suffering complications following colon cancer surgery and was left there alone.  He didn't understand why I was so upset.  No transportation issues though, i was readmitted for 2 weeks.


Due to the cancer surgery and 3 following surgeries I suffered some nerve damage (ahem) in some delicate areas.  Meaning I required a some effort to physically be ready for sex... this was not the case pre cancer.  Rather than understanding and using this situation as a way of deepening our bond and working together, he declared it was " too complicated" and never tried again.  Other forms of gratification weren't good enough, he wanted actual intercourse.

He continually humiliated me by saying that his sex life was over and it was all my fault. 

Sorry for the TMI but it really really broke my heart   :'(

Since he felt I was doing it on purpose, he retaliated by shutting down what little affection he ever showed me, even dramatically moving away if I happened to accidentally touch him while sleeping. 

Jeeze, I'm an idiot.

Yep. Me too. Even bigger cuz she's still renting space in my head. I'm doomed.

[Painterly2014]

Sitting in the same room with me after a nice dinner out and emailing his new affair partner to set up the next little get together.  I got the Ipad and read the nasty emails going back and forth.  Just a class act! 

Pretending to want to go to counseling and work on the marriage but in reality continuing to be on the internet on cheating web sites for hours daily and continuing to cheat every chance he got.

Just a lying ___ clown.

[Mutt]

Hi Painterly2014,

That's tough  

[lost_in_translation]

As I noted in another thread he was such a jerk in the ER he would not follow their request to stay in my treatment room so they had the state police come in.  He argued with them.  They tased him and carted him off... .i was suffering complications following colon cancer surgery and was left there alone.  He didn't understand why I was so upset.  No transportation issues though, i was readmitted for 2 weeks.


Due to the cancer surgery and 3 following surgeries I suffered some nerve damage (ahem) in some delicate areas.  Meaning I required a some effort to physically be ready for sex... this was not the case pre cancer.  Rather than understanding and using this situation as a way of deepening our bond and working together, he declared it was " too complicated" and never tried again.  Other forms of gratification weren't good enough, he wanted actual intercourse.

He continually humiliated me by saying that his sex life was over and it was all my fault. 

Sorry for the TMI but it really really broke my heart   :'(

Since he felt I was doing it on purpose, he retaliated by shutting down what little affection he ever showed me, even dramatically moving away if I happened to accidentally touch him while sleeping. 

Jeeze, I'm an idiot.

Whitebread, I'm sorry you didn't have the support you deserved during such a difficult time.  You are not an idiot.  I hope you can at least take some comfort in the thought of him being tasered.   

Be well! 

[Whitebread]

 >>

Whitebread, I'm sorry you didn't have the support you deserved during such a difficult time.  You are not an idiot.  I hope you can at least take some comfort in the thought of him being tasered.   << <<


I do. 

They zapped him twice.

Good times.

[downwhim]

Whitebread, He deserved to be tasered! Yep, all about him no matter what. So selfish and egotistical. From what I have read in your previous posts he is really full of himself!

[Indyan]

Whoa... .this was my long marriage... .in such simple terms. Many words expressing that picture of the future to us, but nothing to back it up. And even now my adult kids believe that when he tells them he still loves me that means I should just cave and return "home." Words are just... .WORDS sometimes.

Yes, that's why a few months ago I started telling him "actions speak louder than words" and that I will see what he was really worth in the months to come... .and I did, God knows I did  

[hergestridge]

I still want to live a self-sufficient lifestyle... .and maybe someday I might meet someone like minded and it will be amazing.

It was our dream too, although for different reasons. Me because I love nature and leading a green life is appealing. He, because society is doomed and sooner or later we'll end up with no electricity, no supermarkets and a civil war... .

Anyhow, we moved into the house I'm still in, only a year ago (he left last July... .). He was so happy with that house because, although in a small town, it has a very big garden at the back made to plant vegetables. We planted lots of things, especially him as he used to spend a huge amount of time gardening. I had bought him all sorts of tools, a greenhouse, gloves and boots... .all of which now lies in the shed and it breaks my heart to see them... .as if my bf was dead really.

I harvested all our vegeteables on my own, back from hols in September. It made me feel very sad indeed.

We moved out in the country a few years before we broke up, now I live out here alone. She was so enthusiastic about it about all the possibilities and it was our "dream home".

Then she grew tired of it, it became "my idea" that I had "insisted" on doing. Then she would get annoyed that I was too attached to the house and the rural lifestyle. Did I love it more than I loved her? The jealousy spanned beyond people, it got extended to objects. Or pets.

Years ago I remember her being upset about me being too attached to our two cats; "... .you only stay with me because we have the cats together!".

I have to remind myself over and over about how pwBPD work to understand what happened - they are strangers to happiness. They don't feel it.

[Indyan]

I have to remind myself over and over about how pwBPD work to understand what happened - they are strangers to happiness. They don't feel it.

We tried MC in October. He told the T and me that I had forced him to do EVERYTHING!

The fact that I was in a 10 yr r/s and had to leave my previous life (my D10's dad) to be with him really shows who went to get whom... .

I forced him to move in, to have a baby, and even to go for a motorbike ride when we were friends.

He hardly suggested anything, used to say "he adapted to opportunities", when in fact he's using this now to justify that none of what we had/did was his choice. What a coward.

[Splitblack4good]

Most heartless thing my ex done was fake having cancer ! Yes you read correct she lied to everyone to get attention witch I stupidly covered up for her to everyone she told when I found out the truth . I could not neleive she would go that low !

[clydegriffith]

Sitting in the same room with me after a nice dinner out and emailing his new affair partner to set up the next little get together.  I got the Ipad and read the nasty emails going back and forth.  Just a class act! 

Pretending to want to go to counseling and work on the marriage but in reality continuing to be on the internet on cheating web sites for hours daily and continuing to cheat every chance he got.

Just a lying ___ clown.

I've got you beat on that one. The BPDx and i were once at a backyard bbq with a bunch of people and she went inside and had sex with one of the guys there while i was sitting in the backyard.

One time she also intentionally tried to start a fight so that i would leave and she can bring someone over. I thought something was up so i turned around and went back home and there she was, in bed with another one of my friends. My then 1 year old daughter and her two other small children were in the next room. 

[Elpis]

CAN I PLEASE JUST HUG EVERYBODY?     

I'm so sorry for what we've all been through... .and I find myself a bit jealous that my uBPDh never got tazed... .ijust kidding Whitebread!)

The lengths people will go to in order to get their BPD motivated "needs" met is pretty incredible. And the sad part is that they don't even seem to recognize what they're doing isn't healthy! Or normal!

[Deeno02]

CAN I PLEASE JUST HUG EVERYBODY?     

I'm so sorry for what we've all been through... .and I find myself a bit jealous that my uBPDh never got tazed... .ijust kidding Whitebread!)

The lengths people will go to in order to get their BPD motivated "needs" met is pretty incredible. And the sad part is that they don't even seem to recognize what they're doing isn't healthy! Or normal!

Or how much they ripped your heart out

[TheDude]

What is the most heartless thing your ex-BPD did to you?

Get involved with me in the first place. 

[kerin]

Please bear in mind reading the first that he was 25 when we met.

I'm a fair bit older than him, and although there have been many hurtful things said throughout the relationship, the first really shocking thing he said to me was that I was "perverted" that I had "manipulated him (the innocent party) into having sex with such an old ugly woman" and to top it off that I was a "paedophile". He also posted very similar statements on a forum we were both members of and through which we had met. Many people there knew us in real life.

He raged in my face for days, after having kept me sleep deprived for months, that it was him or the dog. To my massive shame and regret I had my poor old dog put down humanely. He had health problems and brain damage, but even so. I still feel disgusted with myself for doing it, I will regret and feel huge guilt about that till the day I die.

After a day of physical abuse and screaming rages to make me buy him alcohol, I finally gave in and bought it because he grabbed my parrot from her cage and held her in a tight grip. He snarled into my face that he would crush her unless I bought the vodka he wanted. I believed him so he got the vodka, and I called the police the minute he left me alone. When the police asked what the cuts on his fingers were from he told them they were defensive wounds from the knife he said I had attacked him with. They were from my birds beak when she was biting him in terror.

There are many more things, but those three stand out in my mind.

[kerin]

Oh yes, I am in debt due to him frogmarching me to the cashpoint and forcing me to draw money out on credit cards for his drugs, and to this day still spends huge amounts of money on drugs. No help in paying any of it back, he doesn't give a hoot about it because it's my credit history that is damaged,

[rollercoaster24]

Hmmm there were so many lets see... .

Comparing me to his former flame from ten years prior, (the one who left him at the altar so to speak and he was still stalking on Facebook), telling me she had a better body, was blonde, taller, sexier, wilder in bed.

After which, he said that he didn't mean those things, he was only saying it to hurt me, because I had 'apparently' hurt him and deserved to hear this! (who does this?).

Letting our parrot die through heat exhaustion or otherwise, he knew it was suffering and it was hot, 41C, and he was laying under the Air Conditioner whilst we were all out. The bird was in a cage in my daughters room, with the window open and the fan on, and it had been rescued from the wild only a week before by another friend who couldn't keep it.

BP must have been snooping in my daughters room to know the bird was on the bottom of the cage and suffering, yet he simply closed the door and left the bird to die for several hours before I got home.

I came home from work later that evening to his rage about my daughter and her fiancé's selfishness and stupidity.

Guess who spent hours trying to rehydrate the bird? Yep, me. Guess who rang the Vets for advice? yep, me. Guess who buried the bird at 3am, (and I had to get up at 4am for work again) yep, me.

Then there were hundreds of Public Humiliations at my workplace, (luckily I didn't lose my job).

Sleep Deprivations that were constant several days per week, (whilst he never worked a day in 4 years).

Physical Abuse

Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Sexual Abuse, (threats that he would find another woman that would love him when he wanted, because apparently I didn't enough). Reality? I probably wasn't interested a couple of times in 4 years and usually only after he had been verbally and physically abusing me for several hours first before expecting to magically make up.

Financial Abuse

Stalking

Harassment

Lying Cheating and Stealing and probably doing drugs in secret too, (at the end I found out by chance that he had been drinking in secret the whole time).

Yep, I must have been an idiot.

[ogopogodude]

the most heartless thing my ex-BPD did to me was this:

I lay in bed waiting for her to accompany me... .  I pretend that I am sleeping because I can tell that she is "on the verge of one of her moods:  I am positioned on my side and she climbs into bed and spoons me (typically the reverse happens, ... .the man spoons the woman, ... but anyways... )


I can smell her breath of alcohol.  She thinks that I am asleep, ... but I am not.  She repeatedly "mock spits" into the back of my head with little puffs of air. (My wife was never a "spitter" of saliva like some people are... .  She just didn't do that kind of thing).

Anyways,  it reminded me of a a bb gun or a .22 repeater.   

This little act of defiance, or mockery, or control, or whatever it is that one wants to call it, ... .occurs over and over again for about at least a 1/2 hour maybe more like an hour.  And she was  whispering things, sentences, words that I could not make out or make sense of (and she was not a whispering type of person either).

It doesn't sound like much of a heartless thing, ... but it really was.  She was belittling me over and over.  She only did this mock-spitting-into-the-back-of-my-head thing only once that I can vividly remember.  I guess it just wasn't violent or volatile enough for her to get any satisfaction out of... .

Raping me of my self-dignity is how I saw this act.  I would have rather experienced one of her high intensity temper rages.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I think the whole hitting me while I was crying and shrieking like a banshee thing was the worst. Nevermind, it was when she let racoons into our house at night, until we got evicted and emotionally abused me to get her way with it until I shut down and became her zombie slave, devoid of hope.