What is the strategy?

[Leonis]

For those of you who have followed my misadventures, this is another update. We left off last time at my ex claiming to be pregnant and feeling ill with chills/fevers.

Last night, I decided to send her a text asking how she was feeling. She replied that she was still having a fever and some diarrhea. Let it be known that it's been at least a week since she last claimed to have a fever and other ailments.

I urged her to go to the doctor. To which, she told me that she hated going to the doctor's. She implied that it was too embarrassing like if I were ever to go in for erectile dysfunction. An odd analogy since I don't have the condition and it's less life threatening.

I left off saying that she could let me know if I could get her anything. The conversation soon spiraled down with her saying how she doubted it given past experience. This led to her describing herself as part of my apparent league of evil exgfs (what is this, Scott Pilgrim?). I asked her to be reasonable, and after a few exchanges, she told me to not play with fire and stop texting her.

Wow... .she can go make herself miserable... .

To what extent is she just pretending and faking all these illnesses? I noticed that every time she manages to spend some time with one of her siblings, she becomes extremely hostile. I guess it can't be helped that the dysfunctional tend to enable each other.

[pjstock42]

You can never fully know if someone is faking an illness/ailment but with a BPD parter / ex partner it does seem to be very common as I'm sure many here can attest to.

My BPD ex gf was constantly saying that her chest hurt, that she had a UTI, that she had some kind of sever digestion issue etc. but then a few hours later she had forgotten about it and when I'd bring it up to ask how she was feeling, she sometimes couldn't even remember saying that she was feeling any ailment at all. I really don't know much about this apparent "tactic" but it does seem as though it may be a ploy to garner attention/pity/sympathy etc. My BPD ex even used an "ailment" one time to get into a texting conversation with an ex bf who she had promised me that she didn't talk to anymore because "I didn't care enough" and he was a doctor so she was just asking him for medical advice. This may be the guy that she cheated on me with but I'm not totally sure & either way, she was definitely exploiting a supposed "illness" to do something that she knew would make me upset.

[fromheeltoheal]

To what extent is she just pretending and faking all these illnesses?

No way of knowing, and only a doctor could make an educated guess.  My ex put a massive load on the health care system, always something going on and lots of pharmaceuticals to gobble; mental and emotional unrest will come out somewhere, sometimes as physical ailments, for all of us.  Interesting though, my ex created a career she loves, and gets her attachments needs met through it, so suddenly she's healthy.  Not a stretch to see why, and good for her!

A question that is just as important is to what extent are you letting her illnesses affect you Leonis?

[Leonis]

A question that is just as important is to what extent are you letting her illnesses affect you Leonis?

The thing is, I feel more at ease knowing that she's gotten better and that the pregnancy either moves forward or terminates on its own.

The last thing I need is moving forward a few months down the road and get a sudden surprise that could affect my progress on future relationships and plans.

[fromheeltoheal]

The thing is, I feel more at ease knowing that she's gotten better and that the pregnancy either moves forward or terminates on its own.

The last thing I need is moving forward a few months down the road and get a sudden surprise that could affect my progress on future relationships and plans.

Yes, that makes sense Leonis.  And really the only thing you have absolute control over is what you make things mean yes?

[Leonis]

... .but with a BPD parter / ex partner it does seem to be very common... .

That makes sense. Suddenly, she's been ill since October and I was so callous that I didn't think to give a damn about it when she never mentioned anything during those months.

And really the only thing you have absolute control over is what you make things mean yes?

Besides not having the urge to obliterate a human being over her ridiculous behavior, yeah it's fairly difficult.

[GoingBack2OC]

My ex was always suffering from something. If I called her on a random Sunday morning... .she would be feverish. Leave me alone!

I think during the course of 5 years she was... .Iron deficient... .Actually no... .Hormone Imbalance... .Nope... .Gluten Intolerance... .I mean really.

Then she would eat a huge sandwich and complain she's in terrible pain due to eating gluten.

ALSO, not sure if you noticed this, but this was a big one. If we were say on the couch watching TV, and I got up, and a button snagged a few hairs of hers, by accident - of course - she would immediately gasp in terrible pain, illicit a "oh my are you ok", when in reality, it was 2 hairs. It's not that bad, and it wasn't deliberate.

[Lonely_Astro]

To what extent is she just pretending and faking all these illnesses?

Like others have said, we'll never know.  Faking pregnancy and medical issues isn't uncommon for most BPDs because it garners attention.  I've heard of accounts of some going as far as claiming to having terminal issues only to miraculously be 'cured' a few weeks/months later.  That is, if they ever bring their illness up again.

For instance, my ex claims she is infertile. Something she claims to have found out about a month after we ended.  This was during a conversation we had in may. I hadn't spoken to her in three months when she suddenly came to talk to me (a few days ago).  She felt the need to apologize to me for abandoning me and forcing me to end out R/s.  Her reasoning?  Shes infertile and knew how much kids meant to me. 

That's just one example of what I experienced. She always seemed to have had some sort of ailment too. She also claimed to have had a stroke when she was 21 or 22. Yet when I first met her (she was 23), she was an avid runner and seemed fit.  I'm not saying that stroke patients can't be runners, but she ran in all kinds of weather and never once mentioned it to me until years later. My point is: you'll never know truth from fiction.

[Leonis]

My point is: you'll never know truth from fiction.

Just like the most recent exchange. She still claims fever/chills. That sounds like an infection. Not sure if she's trying to make me feel bad or she miscarried. Regardless, I can also see her purposely letting her health fail just so she could justify her current hatred for me.

It's funny how fast they change. The last time I saw her, she actually kissed me goodbye and said that she wants to make the best decision for the baby even if we can't be together anymore, etc. Now, it's how I put her in that situation and she harbors hatred for me for time to come.

[Lonely_Astro]

My point is: you'll never know truth from fiction.

Just like the most recent exchange. She still claims fever/chills. That sounds like an infection. Not sure if she's trying to make me feel bad or she miscarried. Regardless, I can also see her purposely letting her health fail just so she could justify her current hatred for me.

It's funny how fast they change. The last time I saw her, she actually kissed me goodbye and said that she wants to make the best decision for the baby even if we can't be together anymore, etc. Now, it's how I put her in that situation and she harbors hatred for me for time to come.

Do you know if she is, in fact, pregnant?  That too could be a ruse. It's happened to many of us here. My ex claims the opposite - she's infertile. I have no idea if it's true or not.  If your ex is pregnant, she needs to get to a doctor stat for the health of her baby. Of course, you know this.  You have zero control over whether or not she goes.  You know her better than us, but you could present it in such a manner, but don't be surprised if she berates you for "using the baby against her".

I say that because it's very common to be their persecutor at every turn. Been there, done that.  No matter how good your intentions, it won't be perceived that way (as good natured). This is why we often feel hopeless in these situations: we can never be heard and certainly not understood.

How're YOU holding up?

[Leonis]

How're YOU holding up?

I'm doing all right. Just kind of annoyed by the fact that I can't confirm or deny her claims. I could always just chug along in life and be given a rude surprise. Then again, it's not like I will be in the same state much longer. I'm definitely leaving in a year or two.

[Leonis]

It's been almost two weeks. Not a peep from her!