what is the possibility she will come back?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

so for almost a year and a half we had over 10 plus breakups.  but she always came back, mostly when she needed something... .

what is the likelihood she will reach out again?

the last fight was very instense, or was this the final straw that broke the camels back?

curious about your opinions?  and if she does reach out, how to respond? or to just ignore?

[McGahee21]

so for almost a year and a half we had over 10 plus breakups.  but she always came back, mostly when she needed something... .

what is the likelihood she will reach out again?

the last fight was very instense, or was this the final straw that broke the camels back?

curious about your opinions?  and if she does reach out, how to respond? or to just ignore?

[Heldfast]

Is she BPD or is there NPD comorbidity? Did you call her out as disordered in the fight?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey McGahee21, Most people who ask this question are secretly hoping that their BPDx will return.  Are you in this category?  To me, you have asked the wrong question.  The real issue, in my view, is whether you want to be in a r/s with a pwBPD, after a history of 10+ breakups.  It's about what you want, not wether she will come back or not.  So, do you want to give the r/s another shot, or not?  It's your call.  LuckyJim

[McGahee21]

Hey McGahee21, Most people who ask this question are secretly hoping that their BPDx will return.  Are you in this category?  To me, you have asked the wrong question.  The real issue, in my view, is whether you want to be in a r/s with a pwBPD, after a history of 10+ breakups.  It's about what you want, not wether she will come back or not.  So, do you want to give the r/s another shot, or not?  It's your call.  LuckyJim

i do want her to come back... .obviously .  i guess i just still miss how things were the first 4-6 months.  it was a lot of fun

[McGahee21]

Is she BPD or is there NPD comorbidity? Did you call her out as disordered in the fight?

im pretty sure she BPD, although she could be a pure narcissist.  she has sociopathic traits seriously.

i have told her in the past that she literally fits every criteria medically and from experience with her and other stories that she is BPD.

[VistaView]

The best predictor of future behavior is PAST behavior... . 

                           -Dr. Phil

[Mister Brightside]

When was the last time she came back? I think you kind of answered your own question when you said, "... .mostly when she needed something." The likelihood of her reaching out to you again hinges on when she needs something and if you are the best supply of that something.

That alone tells me you should simply ignore her if she ever tries to contact you again. Strict no contact. It's difficult to move on--one of the hardest things we will ever have to do--but we don't deserve to be used like that.

[Bensonshays]

so for almost a year and a half we had over 10 plus breakups.  but she always came back, mostly when she needed something... .

what is the likelihood she will reach out again?

the last fight was very instense, or was this the final straw that broke the camels back?

curious about your opinions?  and if she does reach out, how to respond? or to just ignore?

It sounds like you want her back. Have a look at this:

It gave me a new perspective on my situation, which is similar but less severe than yours.

[dagwoodbowser]

McGahee21 you seem really torn about staying or not.

Have you thought about looking into the Undecided: Staying or Leaving Board? May help you find options or strategies to work things out.

The other option is you can do what I did. Just keep going back again and again until she dissolves all your boundaries, loses all respect for you and keeps stretching your limits all the while you become lost in her madness and needs forgetting about all yours till you eventually crack to the point of losing all your self-esteem and self-worth. Near suicide and TIA stroke, but hey... .I learned for myself and got plenty of chances to learn what didnt work. Maybe you'll have better luck?

[mitchell16]

based on her past history it sounds like she will be back. Me and my ex in 3 years recycled 10 plus times. sometimes our break ups lasted 3 weeks but once it lasted for almost 8 months. on the average they lasted each time about 3 weeks. I used to ask this question alot about wondering if she would contact me back after each break up and she never failed. she would always reach out after about 3 weeks after she had plenty of time to do whatever it was she wanted to do. But the question I had to ask myself was did i really want her back ( which I always did) but then why did I want her back? what did she bring to my life? was I truly happy? could I have the life I really wanted with her? and I always came up with NO. Nobody can decided for you what you need to do but You can read these boards and see a pretty good indicater of what your future will be like with a person with BPD. I tried everything I could in 3 years t make it worth and nothing worked. I changed how I talked, we went the therapy which she quit after 2 visit, I gave and gave and nothing worked.

In all honesty I had fell in love with the first 3 or 4 months of our relationship and I was in love with the idea of what it could have been or could be but with her but that would never happen. I had to be honest with myself. I was misrable with her, with little spurts of happiness. Once I really looked at the facts, NC became easy or the only sound answer I could come up with. She was like a virus in my life. Would I want the flu back once I got rid of it?

[McGahee21]

based on her past history it sounds like she will be back. Me and my ex in 3 years recycled 10 plus times. sometimes our break ups lasted 3 weeks but once it lasted for almost 8 months. on the average they lasted each time about 3 weeks. I used to ask this question alot about wondering if she would contact me back after each break up and she never failed. she would always reach out after about 3 weeks after she had plenty of time to do whatever it was she wanted to do. But the question I had to ask myself was did i really want her back ( which I always did) but then why did I want her back? what did she bring to my life? was I truly happy? could I have the life I really wanted with her? and I always came up with NO. Nobody can decided for you what you need to do but You can read these boards and see a pretty good indicater of what your future will be like with a person with BPD. I tried everything I could in 3 years t make it worth and nothing worked. I changed how I talked, we went the therapy which she quit after 2 visit, I gave and gave and nothing worked.




how did it finally end?

In all honesty I had fell in love with the first 3 or 4 months of our relationship and I was in love with the idea of what it could have been or could be but with her but that would never happen. I had to be honest with myself. I was misrable with her, with little spurts of happiness. Once I really looked at the facts, NC became easy or the only sound answer I could come up with. She was like a virus in my life. Would I want the flu back once I got rid of it?

[SWLSR]

I will answer the question you asked the answer is probably.  They almost always come back at some point.  Was is amazing is they can pop up years down the road and act like nothing has happened.  But understand they are coming back to suck more life out of you because they believe you will let them.  You are a pawn in her game.

[Lucky Jim]

The other option is you can do what I did. Just keep going back again and again until she dissolves all your boundaries, loses all respect for you and keeps stretching your limits all the while you become lost in her madness and needs forgetting about all yours till you eventually crack to the point of losing all your self-esteem and self-worth. Near suicide and TIA stroke, but hey... .I learned for myself and got plenty of chances to learn what didnt work. Maybe you'll have better luck?

Hey dagwoodbowser, Really like how you put that.  I nearly destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Finally my brother and some kind friends conducted an "intervention" as I lacked the strength at that point to leave.  Not fun, but they probably saved my life.

LuckyJim

[dagwoodbowser]

Hey dagwoodbowser, Really like how you put that.  I nearly destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Finally my brother and some kind friends conducted an "intervention" as I lacked the strength at that point to leave.  Not fun, but they probably saved my life.

Thanx LuckyJim. At least you had family that was more aware than mine. My family and friends simply got tired of listening to my shame and same stories over and over after each time I was dumped. Basically telling me to just get over it. They didnt understand what it is to be in the emotional addiction to a BPD. Past relationships did hurt where either I walked or they broke up including a divorce. This was something entirely different. It's like you become possessed by their demons or psychic energy or it could be much more complicated but the thing is while most will say pain is pain, there is a difference. The pain of being with her eventually outpaced all the mere pleasures which were really more obsessively sexual in nature. Everything else was verbal prose and poetry that amounted to just manipulative BS with No Actions behind it. Once I realized I was ready to exit this earth because of the pain I knew I had to walk away, especially after almost 3 yrs, most of those months broken up in pieces.

[DyingLove]

The other option is you can do what I did. Just keep going back again and again until she dissolves all your boundaries, loses all respect for you and keeps stretching your limits all the while you become lost in her madness and needs forgetting about all yours till you eventually crack to the point of losing all your self-esteem and self-worth. Near suicide and TIA stroke, but hey... .I learned for myself and got plenty of chances to learn what didnt work. Maybe you'll have better luck?

Hey dagwoodbowser, Really like how you put that.  I nearly destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Finally my brother and some kind friends conducted an "intervention" as I lacked the strength at that point to leave.  Not fun, but they probably saved my life.

LuckyJim

I too had people "save" me.  Thank GOD for those people. A friend from NY flew to Fl. and orchestrated the entire ordeal of moving me out!  Aside a bit of help I was able to do, he moved me out singlehandedly. I am indebted to certain individuals and wish to pay it forward in the future.  I was nearly totally destroyed by time I left Florida 3/19.  I was really sick and decrepid for weeks to come.  I didn't have a penny (actually some friends made donations that helped the move.) I was physically emotionally and just freakin' beat down as a man.  I was stranded under the same roof with my ex for nearly 2 months after the B/U.  Things were so bad that she wouldn't even drive me to the store at the end... .she told me that I could catch a bus.  The last few days she went to disney world with her kid... .ticket compliments of her sc*mbag brother who was instrumental in the breakup.  When I think of the disneyworld thingie, it reinforces the decision I made to leave. I'm hurtin' still... .I love her... .but I'm alive and making it!

[Missy94]

I think it's really important to think about just what you are missing? Is it her? Or is it something you desire for the future?

For me after 3 painful recycles yes I still wish he would get in touch some nights (tonight being one). I may feel he valued what we once shared because I don't feel he did on nights like this. And that hurts.

What am I missing then? I recognise that I am missing intimacy. I am feeling lonely - he took up most of my time one way or another. I am fearful I may never 'feel' the same again (those hedonistic honeymoon phases eh?). I loved him. I really did. I miss that. Loving him.

But then I come here and read the stories so so similar to mine and I remember all the pain and the anxious state I was in ALL of the time. I remember the confusion. The lies. The sleepless nights... .and I remember the self I lost trying to keep him 'happy'. Like pouring energy and care into an empty hole... .always needing more.

[DyingLove]

I think it's really important to think about just what you are missing? Is it her? Or is it something you desire for the future?

For me after 3 painful recycles yes I still wish he would get in touch some nights (tonight being one). I may feel he valued what we once shared because I don't feel he did on nights like this. And that hurts.

What am I missing then? I recognise that I am missing intimacy. I am feeling lonely - he took up most of my time one way or another. I am fearful I may never 'feel' the same again (those hedonistic honeymoon phases eh?). I loved him. I really did. I miss that. Loving him.

But then I come here and read the stories so so similar to mine and I remember all the pain and the anxious state I was in ALL of the time. I remember the confusion. The lies. The sleepless nights... .and I remember the self I lost trying to keep him 'happy'. Like pouring energy and care into an empty hole... .always needing more.

Amen!

[dobie]

I think it's really important to think about just what you are missing? Is it her? Or is it something you desire for the future?

For me after 3 painful recycles yes I still wish he would get in touch some nights (tonight being one). I may feel he valued what we once shared because I don't feel he did on nights like this. And that hurts.

What am I missing then? I recognise that I am missing intimacy. I am feeling lonely - he took up most of my time one way or another. I am fearful I may never 'feel' the same again (those hedonistic honeymoon phases eh?). I loved him. I really did. I miss that. Loving him.

But then I come here and read the stories so so similar to mine and I remember all the pain and the anxious state I was in ALL of the time. I remember the confusion. The lies. The sleepless nights... .and I remember the self I lost trying to keep him 'happy'. Like pouring energy and care into an empty hole... .always needing more.

This is so spot on thanks for sharing 

[dagwoodbowser]

[quote I am feeling lonely - he took up most of my time one way or another. I am fearful I may never 'feel' the same again (those hedonistic honeymoon phases eh?)][/quote]
I think because of the vast emptiness within, the extreme impulsivity and likely hood they have a co-morbid sexual/love addiction that is so well versed and practiced that you get drawn into that world and become co-dependent getting fed that intense passion (honeymoon phase) and then ultimately it's used to get you controlled. The sad realization I found with my X was that her "need to feed" was so out of control that I was never enough and hence the orbitors, the X's, FB fans and anyone that got her attention.

[Missy94]

Dagwoodbowser - this was my experience... .all of it including the x's, fb fans etc

Emotional integrity is what I see a lot here. It's what they lacked sadly... .


Thank YOU for valuing my story and for sharing yours.

[McGahee21]

i wonder if she can change. i dont think shes a bad person, i just think shes emotionally unstable and needs to understand life isnt always getting high and banging... .srsly

[Mister Brightside]

It's like you become possessed by their demons or psychic energy or it could be much more complicated but the thing is while most will say pain is pain, there is a difference.

Hey dagwoodbowser. Just wondering if you could expound on what you mean by psychic energy? I definitely understand the demons part!

[Mutt]

Psychic energy is a topic of discussion worthwhile of its own thread Mister Brightside?

i wonder if she can change. i dont think shes a bad person, i just think shes emotionally unstable and needs to understand life isnt always getting high and banging... .srsly

I don't think my ex partner is a bad person either McGahee21 and I think that it's how she copes. I think that you may be thinking what's rational with a person that has a similar belief system. A belief system that's distorted.

Her reality is as real to her as your reality is to you. BPD is ingrained in her personality and to change one's personality is a difficult thing to do. How self aware is she? My ex partner has not expressed that she feels like she needs help.

[Left broken and confused]

Past relationships did hurt where either I walked or they broke up including a divorce. This was something entirely different. It's like you become possessed by their demons or psychic energy or it could be much more complicated but the thing is while most will say pain is pain, there is a difference. The pain of being with her eventually outpaced all the mere pleasures which were really more obsessively sexual in nature. Everything else was verbal prose and poetry that amounted to just manipulative BS with No Actions behind it. Once I realized I was ready to exit this earth because of the pain I knew I had to walk away, especially after almost 3 yrs, most of those months broken up in pieces.[/quote]
This sums it up perfectly!  I walked away from a marriage and it was nothing like what I am going through now.

[runningup]

yeah I can relate to all this too people. Leaving a marriage didnt hurt this much, I think for me personally, its the fact that on the last day, she was so in love, was so happy, then the next day I was BLACK and there was no going back. Even thought there was cheating on her part, and so much pain caused, you would think that me being the logical one I would be feeling hatred, which I am, but I am also missing a lot. I think its caused by me wants and needs for positive love reinforcement which a BPD parnter gives. Its a drug, and drugs never end well!

[McGahee21]

shes aware she has a deep sadness, and she get high everyday, sexual with someone everyday, and has severe anxiety being alone.  like i said something happened when she was a teenager in middle school hanging out with gangs in detroit, this is around the time the crazy lies started her dad said.

idk, last time she talked to me was april 13th, tried to contract her a couple weeks later she ignored me... .

[mitchell16]

McGahee21, mine ended when i decided I had enough of being used, lied to, manupulated, raged at etc... .Only you can decided when youve had enough. I could still be be playing the game. she still tries to contact me after almost a year of being broke up. But I know she is like a drug to me. if I ever start engaging her I will be right back where I started. I have to stay NC. that what works for me. I tried LC and being friends but that never worked for me. I was always pulled back in.

[dagwoodbowser]

Hey dagwoodbowser. Just wondering if you could expound on what you mean by psychic energy? I definitely understand the demons part!

Mr Brightside: Psychic Energy an actuating force or factor mental energy

incitation, provocation, incitement - something that incites or provokes; a means of arousing or stirring to action

libidinal energy - (psychoanalysis) psychic energy produced by the libido

Whether things were ok or dramatic, I always had this sense of doom. My blood pressure was sky high, I had anxiety which I generally dont really suffer. I do have bouts of depression which tended to be more frequent while I was involved w/her. Almost 2 months not having any direct contact with her, my BP is back to normal, I am still a little depressed but it's not severe. Also, while involved with my BPDx my sexual energy was sky high and felt like a dog in heat wanting to hump a strangers leg? I have no explanation for any of this.

[McGahee21]

Hey dagwoodbowser. Just wondering if you could expound on what you mean by psychic energy? I definitely understand the demons part!

Mr Brightside: Psychic Energy an actuating force or factor mental energy

incitation, provocation, incitement - something that incites or provokes; a means of arousing or stirring to action

libidinal energy - (psychoanalysis) psychic energy produced by the libido

Whether things were ok or dramatic, I always had this sense of doom. My blood pressure was sky high, I had anxiety which I generally dont really suffer. I do have bouts of depression which tended to be more frequent while I was involved w/her. Almost 2 months not having any direct contact with her, my BP is back to normal, I am still a little depressed but it's not severe. Also, while involved with my BPDx my sexual energy was sky high and felt like a dog in heat wanting to hump a strangers leg? I have no explanation for any of this.

ur biological instincts many times do not match up with what you know is right or ideal.  shes hot, and very resourceful= succesful reproduction and offspring will be strong... .

this does not account for batshyt nuts

[runningup]

Also, while involved with my BPDx my sexual energy was sky high and felt like a dog in heat wanting to hump a strangers leg? I have no explanation for any of this.

I had exactly the same thing, I am wondering if anyone has any thoughts regarding this.