Hi raspberry* and welcome,
... .In the last few weeks I have had him to stay with me and we have been so comfortable with each other that I have feel like I have been walking on cloud 9. Out of the blue on Monday evening he came in crying saying that he couldn't do this anymore and he needed to go home immediately. I demanded the truth from him and he said he just wasn't ready for a relationship. I feel hurt, manipulated and a fool. I don't know whether all the feelings he expressed for me were just lies.
I think a helpful way to reflect on your experience is to consider that the feelings he expressed were real... .but. But people with BPD (pwBPD) have a disorder which affects the way they attach to other people. My understanding is that for pwBPD whenever they develop feelings of intimacy and attachment, they simultaneously trigger their fear of abandonment. This is perhaps because the source of their fear of abandonment is a deep abandonment trauma they experienced in early development. Such that at the same time that he was starting to develop intimate feelings towards you (which takes time to develop... .it is absent in the early stage of the relationship)... .this is why he could no longer handle the feelings.
What makes it difficult for pwBPD to face this quality in themselves is that all their defense mechanisms divert their attention elsewhere (i.e., it is the other person... .I just need to find the "right" person... .etc... ) and not inwards.
I feel gutted. Since then he has texted me apologising, saying that he is heartbroken and he has never felt so low and saying that hevstill have strong feelings for me. I wish hed been more honest with me aboutbhis illness beforevthis happened as he is high functioning. His head is obviously in a really bad place and I understand that! I have my own mental health issues and he promised hed never hurt me the way I have been in the past.
High functioning or not, I think there is a good chance he is in denial. He just think he's "not ready" for a relationship. Well I believe if he were honest with himself, he would admit that he's *never* been ready for a relationship. And yet he keeps looking for the "right" relationship.
I've suggested that no contact will be better but at the same time I am absolutely gutted . I was really was starting to fall in love with him and spending my time with him was just the best feeling as I felt safe and secure. This evening on Instagram earlier he posted something saying heel was to feeling of heart broken and I am too I know I should probably move on but it's so difficult! It was just an illness that loved me. I miss telling each other about ouyr days so much.
I don't think you need to think of him as "an illness that loved" you. But rather he is like an alcoholic who has yet to come to terms with his addiction. Only his addiction is not with alcohol but rather with his broken nature when it comes to intimate relationships. If/when he ever comes to term with this issues, maybe he can face it. But for now I think he is still in denial. Which is why you may need to watch out when his feelings of intimacy towards you diminishes so that he no longer experiences his fear of abandonment. Then, he will want to "start again." The thing is, he will only repeat his experience and very likely hurt you again. If you let him.
Hope some of this helps.
Best wishes, Schwing
