Struggling with BPD wife who wants a divorce

[Sufferingsoul34]

  I have been married for 5 and a half years to my BPD wife and have struggled so much since we got married. She hasn't officially been diagnosed with BPD but i spoke to her therapist and also vasts amounts of research and many of my own therapists and its pretty obvious that she does. She has been saying that she wants a divorce for a few years and wants to break up, then couple of days later she is all over me. She says she doesn't love me anymore. The latest was that she said she wanted a divorce so i had enough of her saying this so I said ok get the papers done, she did right away and sent them to my e-mail as I went for a walk to clear my head. Next day I printed the papers and we exchanged some messages and discussions on what we will do with things (we don't have kids but a car and my personal items in the States) I am originally from the UK. This was all happening after we were getting on extremely well in a different state as she was doing an internship for the summer. We were supposed to travel to the UK together and I booked flights then a month later she says she doesn't want to come anymore because we are splitting up, I was like what and i reacted like what are you talking about its all booked... .from what i've researched maybe this was the reaction that she wanted.

Anyway last week we were finally leaving the state of her internship the divorce papers we on the table ready to be signed and she was going to take them and file. On our last day together we went for a nice lunch then it was like she had control over me again and during the lunch she said she had to go see her friend for dessert. I have learned to calm emotions so I said ok, have fun! Where in the past I'd have been upset. Anyway she came home and that evening I asked her what her plans were, she said she plans to go party with friends, was basically like I didn't exist anymore.

Anyway I controlled my emotions even though this was out last night together before I flew to the UK. I said ok have fun, I will go to party too and I went out alone to a bar. After a couple of hours she sent me a text saying that she was still home and if i could bring some mixer if i come home, another mind game. I managed to ignore for an hour then went home. She was still home waiting for me, After around 10 minutes there, I asked her if she wanted to go for a bite to eat together. She said no shes fine, so i said ok I am going to go alone. 30 minutes later she uses her wild card and says shes horny. I ended up going back and we had sex and had a nice evening watching a movie.

Next morning she was leaving and not once did she mention the divorce papers or take them with her, even though they were staring her in her face. I didn't say anything as I am codependent and of course I don't want a divorce I just want to work more on myself and how to deal with her without my emotions taking over but the last 2 weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life thinking ive lost the love of my life (even though I feel abused and don't recognise my own self anymore). I am blaming myself for things as she is very manipulative and says i didn't tell her about some money i had in a savings account and that we don't share anything and I don't support her (even though I spent $10k on an internship including accom etc for her. Anyway its been 5 days since I left her and maybe I made the mistake saying I will find it hard to talk if we break up, which may have left her feeling abandoned and looking for her attention from elsewhere. I spoke to her parents about it as they have been very supportive (she doesn't know we talk as she doesn't discuss anything with people) and they recommended i sent her a general text to ask how her and the dog are doing, so i did that and it seems she got the control back and replied saying 'i don't want to hear from you unless its about divorce papers'. This has been her power and my weakness for 5 years and I have been weak in the past so maybe she is testing me again or maybe just fully sees me as 'black' now. I dont know what to do, my heads so screwed and I am back living with parents in England in a life i barely recognise as I literally gave up eveerything to be with this girl. I miss her alot and any advice would be great during this tough time.

Thank you

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[Woodchuck]

I have been married for 5 and a half years to my BPD wife and have struggled so much since we got married. She hasn't officially been diagnosed with BPD but i spoke to her therapist and also vasts amounts of research and many of my own therapists and its pretty obvious that she does. She has been saying that she wants a divorce for a few years and wants to break up, then couple of days later she is all over me. She says she doesn't love me anymore. The latest was that she said she wanted a divorce so i had enough of her saying this so I said ok get the papers done, she did right away and sent them to my e-mail as I went for a walk to clear my head. Next day I printed the papers and we exchanged some messages and discussions on what we will do with things (we don't have kids but a car and my personal items in the States) I am originally from the UK. This was all happening after we were getting on extremely well in a different state as she was doing an internship for the summer. We were supposed to travel to the UK together and I booked flights then a month later she says she doesn't want to come anymore because we are splitting up, I was like what and i reacted like what are you talking about its all booked... .from what i've researched maybe this was the reaction that she wanted.

Anyway last week we were finally leaving the state of her internship the divorce papers we on the table ready to be signed and she was going to take them and file. On our last day together we went for a nice lunch then it was like she had control over me again and during the lunch she said she had to go see her friend for dessert. I have learned to calm emotions so I said ok, have fun! Where in the past I'd have been upset. Anyway she came home and that evening I asked her what her plans were, she said she plans to go party with friends, was basically like I didn't exist anymore.

Anyway I controlled my emotions even though this was out last night together before I flew to the UK. I said ok have fun, I will go to party too and I went out alone to a bar. After a couple of hours she sent me a text saying that she was still home and if i could bring some mixer if i come home, another mind game. I managed to ignore for an hour then went home. She was still home waiting for me, After around 10 minutes there, I asked her if she wanted to go for a bite to eat together. She said no shes fine, so i said ok I am going to go alone. 30 minutes later she uses her wild card and says shes horny. I ended up going back and we had sex and had a nice evening watching a movie.

Next morning she was leaving and not once did she mention the divorce papers or take them with her, even though they were staring her in her face. I didn't say anything as I am codependent and of course I don't want a divorce I just want to work more on myself and how to deal with her without my emotions taking over but the last 2 weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life thinking ive lost the love of my life (even though I feel abused and don't recognise my own self anymore). I am blaming myself for things as she is very manipulative and says i didn't tell her about some money i had in a savings account and that we don't share anything and I don't support her (even though I spent $10k on an internship including accom etc for her. Anyway its been 5 days since I left her and maybe I made the mistake saying I will find it hard to talk if we break up, which may have left her feeling abandoned and looking for her attention from elsewhere. I spoke to her parents about it as they have been very supportive (she doesn't know we talk as she doesn't discuss anything with people) and they recommended i sent her a general text to ask how her and the dog are doing, so i did that and it seems she got the control back and replied saying 'i don't want to hear from you unless its about divorce papers'. This has been her power and my weakness for 5 years and I have been weak in the past so maybe she is testing me again or maybe just fully sees me as 'black' now. I dont know what to do, my heads so screwed and I am back living with parents in England in a life i barely recognise as I literally gave up eveerything to be with this girl. I miss her alot and any advice would be great during this tough time.

Thank you

Patlawton53-
It sounds like you are doing a good job focusing on you and how to react and control your emotions.  I see a lot of similarities in your story.  My W has not been diagnosed with anything but there are clearly issues there.  She told me a month or so ago that I should go get evaluated and diagnosed for BPD.  She also sent me an online test and told me that I should take it.  She informed me that she took it and did not score for having BPD.  I took this as a simple mind game and told her that the online tests were pointless as they can be manipulated anyway you want them to be and that if I did in fact have BPD, I sure as heck would not be answering questions on a test in a way that would show me that I do have BPD.  I asked my therapist the next time I met with her if she had noticed any signs of BPD or any other PD that I might have.  She stated that she hadn't and if she had, she would have told me so and we would be going about treatment much differently.  She also stated that from what I had shared with her about my W, that she believed that she showed signs of BPD or some form of PD.  She made it clear that she could not diagnose her as she had never even met my W but was simply basing her thoughts off what I had shared.

I would suggest to continue to focus on yourself and controlling your emotions and responses.  Doing this has really been helpful for me.  'Ignoring' and not engaging is extremely difficult for me.  I want to engage and do not want to ignore as I want there to be a resolution.  I am slowly learning that 'fighting' for a resolution is really pointless and am able to just walk away and not let whatever conflict that is going on consume me.  It helps if I can separate emotion from reality.  It is not easy but focusing on that and not JADEing really helps keep me more calm.  My W is communicating similar to how you talked about your W saying she doesn't want to communicate with you unless it is about divorce.  The way that I have been handling that is telling her that I understand she doesn't want to communicate and that she is hurting, however we also have two children together and we need to be able to communicate to make sure that we keep their best interest in mind.  I believe this both validates how she feels as well as keeps me focused on what is important and not get sucked into JADEing.  I am sure as you engage more with other members here, you will find a lot of support.  The tools that are offered here are very helpful as well.  Keep your head up and make sure you take care of yourself.

Woodchuck

[BeagleGirl]

Sufferingsoul34,
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  The back and forth and constant uncertainty can be torture.  I agree with Woodchuck that now is a good time to focus on self care.  Are you eating and sleeping well?

It sounds like you really value the marriage and feel like it's worth fighting for.  Has your wife given any reason why she feels she doesn't love you anymore?  Have you had a conversation with her about what she would need to be willing to stay and work on the marriage? 

BG

[Sufferingsoul34]

She basically said she doesn't trust where I get money from even though I have explained it to her 1000's of times and maybe I made a mistake of telling her that I would help pay her credit card minimum payments whilst we were on the internship, but then she got a tax refund of like a grand so i thought that would cover it so I didn't mention it again, of course the first argument we have thats her main issue. I also spent around $10k on her this summer with the internship rent and a good lifestyle we had, the moment I mention that we need to be more careful with money, she started to be weird and the divorce words came out again, don't love me etc. I have really no idea what to do, yes I do really value the marriage alot but I am having many regrets about things even though deep down I am sure whatever I would have done, she would have found something else to accuse me of.

@BG I am struggling to eat well, I stay in bed until 12pm/1pm everyday as I just don't want to get up. I tried to have conversations with her but she says its too late even though I have mentioned multiple times over the years that it would be a good idea to get couples therapy. She says she hasn't loved me since we got married over 5 years ago, but she still tells me she loves me sometimes and is all over me like I am the last man on earth.

I am really struggling and I have spoken to her dad about it and he says it's just another cycle and shes hating me for something now and just to be patient and not contact her until she contacts me again. It's really hard for me to do as I miss and think and dream about her all the time, but I don't want to give her more power and control by messaging her especially after the last text she replied to me saying only to contact about divorce.

Has anybody experienced similar and what would you do in this situation? I am in England miles away from her, and she is so unstable she could be doing any crazy thing right now. I am even tempted to send her some money to pay her bills for this month, but that may not even be appreciated and thrown back in my face, and give her even more control. So at this moment I haven't responded to her text about the divorce, even though I was tempted to say... .the papers were on the lounge table for a week and you didn't take them,... .but that would just cause an argument.

Thank you for any help you can give me at this tough time.

[pearlsw]

Hi Sufferingsoul34,

Can you please tell us more about the things you are blaming yourself for and your codependency issues?

Sorry for all the pain and confusion you are dealing with!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Sufferingsoul34]

A year after we were married she was threatening to leave and I went crazy begging her so much to stay. Then a year after that she said she had got feelings for another guy but nothing happened, I said to her it’s me or him so she said ok me and we moved to a different place. I found out that I am very codependent from therapists I’ve seen so I’ve been going to coddpendents anonymous to help. In the past when she’s treated me bad I’ve been weak and prettt much begged her to stay with me, I became stronger with codependency lately and basically said you want a divorce then go for it, which she still doesn’t seem to go through with as she didn’t take the divorce papers when they were on our lounge table for a week. Maybe I’ve been taking the wrong approach as I hadn’t learned how to deal with BPDs until recently and maybe it’s too late but this time it feels like it’s the end and that’s what destroys me.

She got into my mind by saying that I told her I would pay her minimum credit card payments during the summer which I didn’t so I regret that, and also I had money in england as a backup which I didn’t tell her about at the beginning of the marriage but eventually I did and she pretty much spent it all. She was accusing me of still hiding things and says the reason she messaged other guys and does bad things is because she wants me to leave her and wants to hurt me, we had a deep conversation about it last week and I said that I understand she suffers and wants to hurt people but I am here to help and I don’t blame you for things you have done. She says she wishes we could have talked about this more in the past and that she’s a terrible person and doesn’t deserve me.