"He's back again...but things are different."

[Astronomancer]

Hey guys, this is a follow-up from my original story.

So my pwBPD (though never officially in a relationship) came back around Monday night after a week of not talking (his idea). It was after my therapy and I had a good day. We talked for four hours about random things and things felt back to normal despite all the HORRIBLE things we had said to each other last time we spoke. In an email, I had mentioned studying more about BPD and apologizing for not taking it more seriously earlier on. That night, he brought it up and told me he was skeptical and that he felt like a specimen because of it. I told him that I didn't want to make him feel that way and that the tools were self-help for me and to make myself better, and to make our relationship healthier. He was just curious and even though he let it go, I can tell he is just overall more withdrawn like the last time we had tried to get back together. We used to talk a lot every day before all this hurricane happened. He is very busy and stressed with school, so I know that is a big part of why he is so quiet on his end... .

I asked him Tuesday morning how he had been feeling recently, if he needed some space, and included letting him know that we have said a lot of stuff to each other the last couple weeks and that I don't know what he's thinking or how he feels and that I was a little lost. I let him know I am open to whatever he would like to say, etc etc. He's told me a lot in the past to be upfront about these things and not hold them in, so I mentioned that I just wanted to be transparent from now on. I used a lot of the skills and knowledge I picked up from bpdfamily!
His response was: "Nothing to talk about."
I felt hurt at first, but then I thought for a moment... .and asked him, "Would you lie about that?"
And of course, he responds with a "Yes."
So my suspicions were right, and I asked if he felt like he couldn't trust me now.
He didn't reply, so I made a statement that said, "You may not feel comfortable with that question, but it's okay. I'm sure you have your reasons, but  can’t really know how to not make it worse ... .Preferably I’d like to make it better. This is still new to me and I just need some clarity. But what do you need?"
He ended up telling me he is busy most of the day and we just sort of went to do our own things (I had work, he had school stuff, etc).
I sent him a message on my lunch break about work (nothing important), no response, which is different, but I just thought space might be best.
He replied once we both got home that evening with something casual, so I carried on to make light conversation and just try not to let my insecurities and invalidated feelings drag me down. I can't make assumptions on how he feels because I don't know anything and I can't allow myself to agonize over it.
He tried to make conversation then later asked if I wanted to watch TV with him. But when we got to the point, he mentioned he didn't realize how tired he was--and I was really tired too... .so we both just went to sleep (we don't live together).


So ... .My questions are... .

1. How do I get him to communicate with me? Words alone don't help, because his words always change.
2. How do I go about making his state feel validated?
3. Do I give him space and let him come to me? Isolation is a big thing with BPD and I know it too well. I don't want him to feel like I don't care.
4. How do I help myself from struggling to have HIS validation? I am not all that mentally stable either and I have big reasons to believe I am uBPD.
5. How do I avoid starting another fight and stepping on toes? I'm trying to be mindful of triggers, but this withdrawn behavior is driving me crazy... .I miss him so much and I hate that I have been a big cause to why he feels like he can't talk to me anymore. How do I reverse this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

So ... .My questions are... .

1. How do I get him to communicate with me? Words alone don't help, because his words always change.
2. How do I go about making his state feel validated?
3. Do I give him space and let him come to me? Isolation is a big thing with BPD and I know it too well. I don't want him to feel like I don't care.
4. How do I help myself from struggling to have HIS validation? I am not all that mentally stable either and I have big reasons to believe I am uBPD.
5. How do I avoid starting another fight and stepping on toes? I'm trying to be mindful of triggers, but this withdrawn behavior is driving me crazy... .I miss him so much and I hate that I have been a big cause to why he feels like he can't talk to me anymore. How do I reverse this?

Hi Astromancer,

You've asked a lot here and I can't get to it all as my board access is very limited, nevertheless I did not want to leave you alone! I hope others will also weigh in and offer support! Just some quick, kind thoughts!

I think, in my experience, you can't get someone to communicate with you. You can use techniques to show you are open and willing to communicate, but the other person has to want that too to some degree.

Having a good grasp of the validation tool can help make communication safe and more inviting in my experience.

If you communicate that you care he knows you do. He may not be able to hold onto this thought because of his changing emotional states though.

Chasing a person is not a good idea in terms of getting good communication to happen.

warmly, pearl.

p.s. can others help a bit please?

[Tattered Heart]

So ... .My questions are... .

1. How do I get him to communicate with me? Words alone don't help, because his words always change.
2. How do I go about making his state feel validated?
3. Do I give him space and let him come to me? Isolation is a big thing with BPD and I know it too well. I don't want him to feel like I don't care.
4. How do I help myself from struggling to have HIS validation? I am not all that mentally stable either and I have big reasons to believe I am uBPD.
5. How do I avoid starting another fight and stepping on toes? I'm trying to be mindful of triggers, but this withdrawn behavior is driving me crazy... .I miss him so much and I hate that I have been a big cause to why he feels like he can't talk to me anymore. How do I reverse this?

Lots of good questions.

1. You can't force him to communicate. He will continue to do whatever he is going to continue to do. This is a behavior that he uses. Often the more you chase after him to talk, the further he will run away.

2. This is another one of those can you make someone do something questions. You can't make him be validated, but you can listen to him in a way that lets him know that you are listening and compassionate about what he is saying. I like to ask validating questions, which is sounds like you have started trying to do. Our workshop on validating others may help you find more ways to validate.

3. Everything I've ever read on withdraw is to give them space when they back away. Chasing after them can cause them to retreat more. I always say though that once they return from their push away behavior, you should have a conversation with them about it being unfair to you for them to just disappear.

4. It's hard to do, but finding your own activities, your own inner source of strength, and your own identity can help you start to separate yourself from him. Emotional detachment can go a long way. THis means keeping yourself emotionally balanced when he begins to dysregulate. YOu mentioned that you feel that you have issues with emotional stability at times too. We all do to some degree or another. DBT therapy helps not only pwBPD but can help for other emotional issues too. I use it for anxiety and stress.

5. You may not be able to not upset him. If you walk around trying to avoid fights all the time, then you end up walking on egg shells and that creates a whole other list of problems. The purpose in using the tools and skills from this site is so that you can change your own behavior, not to fix your partner, but so you can find ways of communicating that are healthy and empowering to you. Your pwBPD is going to get mad at some point. That's just a given. Fights happen in any relationship. It's how you handle the fights that can help determine how you come out of them.