New Member: Realizing that my wife is NPD

[Radegast]

Hello Everyone,

I've been on my own personal journey to educate and help myself the last 3 years. I started counseling at that point realizing (already for a long time) that something was not right, with me or with my relationship with my wife, now of 18 years - 24 together in total. I've come to the conclusion that she has NPD. We are still living together and despite my attempts to let her know what I need and how I feel (with no response) she seems to think that everything is just fine. We have twin 9 YO girls. My counselor is great, helping me to start to understand what I'm feeling (and to recognize that I am feeling something), but her understanding of my wife's NPD behavior is not complete.

Most of what I've been going through, feeling and somehow trying to understand over that time has only really been discussed with my counselor and my parents. A few of my friends, know that the marriage is not going well, but few know the details or understand what I'm feeling. Hell, I'm having a difficult time understanding what I'm feeling, let alone explain that to someone else. Nevertheless, I thnk it's time to reach out to a broader community of people with similar experiences.

I've done some journaling, especially when the incidents of my wife's behavior have been completely out of whack and just went back a few days ago to look at what I wrote for the first time. It was strange to see that I know what's going on, have taken steps to separate what I believe from what my wife believes about me, but I realized yesterday that I still have a long way to go. I realized that I still haven't been able to free myself of the guilt triggers my wife can push in me and that in a strange way, I'm still trying to figure out what is going on inside her head, to read her and look for ways to ensure her approval, appease her or prove to her that I'm not as bad as she seems to think I am.

I have retained a lawyer to prepare things for a divorce, but have not been able to pull the trigger to move the ball forward. I'm kind of stuck and I don't really understand what I am afraid of and why I can't move forward. I look forward to reading what others are experiencing and hoping that I can add some of my experiences to the mix. I'm very happy that a forum like this exists!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Circle]

Welcome to bpdfamily! 
It is difficult to seperate from the f.o.g. (fear, obligation, guilt) that people with personality disorders make.
Sounds like you have made some great strides.
And, sounds like she is oblivious to this fact.
Sorry for the difficult struggles. Sounds very challenging.
Good for you on your growing awareness!
Keep writing; what are your continuing thoughts, realizations, observations, etc... ?

[Red5]

Welcome Radegast!

Circle wrote;... .Good for you on your growing awareness!
Keep writing; what are your continuing thoughts, realizations, observations, etc... ?

I can certainly concur, it’s been about two years for me, since I started looking for answers, I still remember the night, the Christmas Eve of 2016, my undiagnosed BPD wife had just taken the Christmas tree down in a fit of rage... .

And as things had quieted down in the house, I came in here to the home office and got on the internet in complete desperation to try and figure out why this type of behavior kept presenting itself... .

I was at my wits end, and I was quite desperate at that point.

Yes, possessing a degree of knowledge on the subject of either npd, or BPD... .does help us to understand the ‘why’ part.

As I reflect a little... .I cannot imagine what daily life would be like if I “still didn’t know”.

So I join Circle in welcoming you here, this place, this safe place to come to and learn, vent and to talk to others who are on the same; or like path has been a God send for me.

Keep posting Radegast, and welcome !

Kind regards, Red5