Saturday was suppose to be my wedding - She didnt care to acknowledge or care

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Saturday was the hardest day. I was suppose to get married to her. Not a text message from her yesterday either. This was a sample of the vows:

I cant believe that today is the day.
You are standing in front of me.
Today is the best day of my life.
I cant believe how lucky I am.
Lucky to be your spouse.

But these vows were in naught. She never married me..

[legalboxers]

Saturday was the hardest day. I was suppose to get married to her. Not a text message from her yesterday either. This was a sample of the vows:

I cant believe that today is the day.
You are standing in front of me.
Today is the best day of my life.
I cant believe how lucky I am.
Lucky to be your spouse.

But these vows were in naught. She never married me..

[cash05458]

Try to see it differently...dodging a bullet comes to mind here L.B.

[HopelessBroken]

How extremely hurtful.  I would wonder, was she thinking of me Saturday? How do you just discard someone like that? You made it past the date you were dreading.  I’m proud of you.

As Cash reminded us, as painful as this time is, you avoided a life long rollercoaster.  You have the opportunity of a solid, healthy relationship when you are ready. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LB, I'm sorry to hear about your difficult day.  Agree with Cash and suggest you practice gratitude for getting out when you did.  A lot of us, including me, have married a pwBPD, which is no picnic.  You avoided a lot of pain and suffering, believe me.  Sure, it's hard, but marriage to a pwBPD is much, much harder.

LuckyJim

[tvda]

Hey LegalBoxers, sorry to hear that. That must hurt a lot.

Try to 'integrate' it into your view of her. What I'm trying to say is, don't keep on suffering the loss of the perfect, idealized and idealizing version of her, and feel hurt by her current actions as if it is another person.

It is one and the same person. The person you lost is someone who does PLEASE READty things like bailing on a marriage and not even acknowledging your feelings about it one bit. I'm sure you had your good or great times. Of course you did. Why else would anyone stick around. But this is also her.

Try to take this as an opportunity: the crappier she treats you now, the smaller the loss of this woman is, no? Because this is one person. BPDs are experts at splitting - don't make the same mistake of grieving for one perfect 'split white' ex, while being simultaneously hurting because another 'split black' ex treat you badly. It's one person. And this should help you realise that the person you lost was not so great after all.

But believe me: I feel your pain, and it's a normal emotional reaction. I wish you courage and comfort.

[cash05458]

LB...certainly didn't mean to be flippant...I too, as well as so many here, feel your pain...it is nothing to be belittled...but yes, before marriage and god forbid, kids...this was a blessing that you don't realize just yet. But yes, it hurts like hell...the pain will pass but should you have actually married her would have not only continued but gotten exponentially worse...

[legalboxers]

Try to see it differently...dodging a bullet comes to mind here L.B.

Im trying to deal with it

[legalboxers]

How extremely hurtful.  I would wonder, was she thinking of me Saturday? How do you just discard someone like that? You made it past the date you were dreading.  I’m proud of you.

As Cash reminded us, as painful as this time is, you avoided a life long rollercoaster.  You have the opportunity of a solid, healthy relationship when you are ready. 

Im trying

[legalboxers]

LB...certainly didn't mean to be flippant...I too, as well as so many here, feel your pain...it is nothing to be belittled...but yes, before marriage and god forbid, kids...this was a blessing that you don't realize just yet. But yes, it hurts like hell...the pain will pass but should you have actually married her would have not only continued but gotten exponentially worse...

shes gutless

[cash05458]

Here is the thing ...this isn't your problem...it is HERS...your problem is that you are hurt...this is what these folks do...they feed on hurt to get back on something that never had to do with you...give it up...deal with the hurt...dont make light of it...but deal with it...and the hurt ain't  ever going away if you lean on them via that...just move on...their problems are their problems...as for us, those our ours...but any touch back and forth...? or figuring stuff out and feeling ok? forget it...just deal with you...we can only give so much of ourselves and understanding...in the end that becomes a sickness of ours...

[once removed]

its really hard mourning the loss of your dreams, legalboxers 

[legalboxers]

Here is the thing ...this isn't your problem...it is HERS...your problem is that you are hurt...this is what these folks do...they feed on hurt to get back on something that never had to do with you...give it up...deal with the hurt...dont make light of it...but deal with it...and the hurt ain't  ever going away if you lean on them via that...just move on...their problems are their problems...as for us, those our ours...but any touch back and forth...? or figuring stuff out and feeling ok? forget it...just deal with you...we can only give so much of ourselves and understanding...in the end that becomes a sickness of ours...

Shes a broken record...

[legalboxers]

its really hard mourning the loss of your dreams, legalboxers 

hugs... Im gonna keep moving on.. I need to

[art_is_great]

I’ll take a wild guess and say marriage was brought up within the first several months?

She played into your deepest fantasies, made you feel good, and you rode the wave.

They can’t love. The marriage would have been a sham. They operate on need and getting highs off of having their good mask reflected back to them through you — through your excitement and the hopes they rile up in you

It’s all one big illusion. 

If someone is moving quickly, that should always be a warning sign for you. Why wasn’t it?

[legalboxers]

I’ll take a wild guess and say marriage was brought up within the first several months?

She played into your deepest fantasies, made you feel good, and you rode the wave.

They can’t love. The marriage would have been a sham. They operate on need and getting highs off of having their good mask reflected back to them through you — through your excitement and the hopes they rile up in you

It’s all one big illusion. 

If someone is moving quickly, that should always be a warning sign for you. Why wasn’t it?

She was married still. Since Im in the legal background (hence the name) I kept pushing for her annulment saying the courts are closed etc. But I knew it wasnt. Im just dead inside. Right now I got the biggest test of my life in June. Which sucks is because from now to about July (which was suppose to my fathers bd) she made me happy.. And I know if I crash with the LSAT.. I dont know...

[tvda]

And I know if I crash with the LSAT.. I dont know...

Oh yes... But what if you pass? Your sense of self-worth has taken a big hit due to your exposure to her toxic behaviour. But that's not the real you. Be aware that you are probably still viewing the world and yourself through a very skewed lens. You are undoubtedly ten times as strong as you think.

I had a weird couple of moments the past weeks. One was I was talking to a friend of mine and telling him how I felt like a shell of my former self. His reply was "really? Because to me it seems like you are exactly the same strong person I have always known." Another was an ex from long ago who repeated the same words to me. She told me about how lost she felt. She described feeling like, in life, she was riding a toddler's tricycle on the highway, while all other people were 'adulting' in a big car all around her. And all I could honestly say was "Really? Because to me you seem very together and knowing what you want out of and do in life." And I meant it.

Talk to some friends about your fears and (self) doubts. It'll be a relief. And you might be surprised at how other people see you. And then be open to the possibility that you might be the one with a flawed view of yourself, and your friends may be right. Don't underestimate the 'reality distortion field' these people create around and inside of you.

I wish you the best of luck with your test, and leave you with these wise words: all emotions fade over time, by themselves. Except for two: fear and shame. These emotions fester and grow if you do nothing with them. So talk about your fears (and possibly shame) with people who have your best interest at heart. Just talking about it will lower your fear and shame.

[legalboxers]

Oh yes... But what if you pass? Your sense of self-worth has taken a big hit due to your exposure to her toxic behaviour. But that's not the real you. Be aware that you are probably still viewing the world and yourself through a very skewed lens. You are undoubtedly ten times as strong as you think.

I had a weird couple of moments the past weeks. One was I was talking to a friend of mine and telling him how I felt like a shell of my former self. His reply was "really? Because to me it seems like you are exactly the same strong person I have always known." Another was an ex from long ago who repeated the same words to me. She told me about how lost she felt. She described feeling like, in life, she was riding a toddler's tricycle on the highway, while all other people were 'adulting' in a big car all around her. And all I could honestly say was "Really? Because to me you seem very together and knowing what you want out of and do in life." And I meant it.

Talk to some friends about your fears and (self) doubts. It'll be a relief. And you might be surprised at how other people see you. And then be open to the possibility that you might be the one with a flawed view of yourself, and your friends may be right. Don't underestimate the 'reality distortion field' these people create around and inside of you.

I wish you the best of luck with your test, and leave you with these wise words: all emotions fade over time, by themselves. Except for two: fear and shame. These emotions fester and grow if you do nothing with them. So talk about your fears (and possibly shame) with people who have your best interest at heart. Just talking about it will lower your fear and shame.

Sad to say, I really dont have many friends in RL. no one has time for me. I mean I got my small "inner circle" in my paralegal group on facebook. In one month is the death anniversary of her mom. Also one year to the date I met her in person. I dont know what to do.

[tvda]

Hi LegalBoxers,

You should 'get' some friends. They are so important in life. You need people to talk to. People you know care for you and are there for you when you need them. A professional network on facebook is not the same, you are right.

Howcome you don't have any true friends? Was this always this way? Or did this evolve throughout your relationship with your BPD ex? Do they really not have any time for you, or have you neglected the relationship with them, and is shame holding you back from reaching out to them?

Also, you write "I don't know what to do". About what, specifically? About dealing with the passing of her mom, and the date coming up? About meeting her one year ago? I'm not being pedantic here. I'm concerned. Can you put into words what it is specifically where you don't know what to do?

Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best thing is not to do anything, you know?

[legalboxers]

Hi LegalBoxers,

You should 'get' some friends. They are so important in life. You need people to talk to. People you know care for you and are there for you when you need them. A professional network on facebook is not the same, you are right.

Howcome you don't have any true friends? Was this always this way? Or did this evolve throughout your relationship with your BPD ex? Do they really not have any time for you, or have you neglected the relationship with them, and is shame holding you back from reaching out to them?

Also, you write "I don't know what to do". About what, specifically? About dealing with the passing of her mom, and the date coming up? About meeting her one year ago? I'm not being pedantic here. I'm concerned. Can you put into words what it is specifically where you don't know what to do?

Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best thing is not to do anything, you know?

I worked with the police dept as a volly for 15 yrs. I would of worked longer but I was being harassed. Non Stop. Never had any true friends to be honest. And I did have a few handful of handful friends who were female she got insanely jealous about, One who was an Emergency Tech who was going through a rough spot and my other close friend who died from Stage 4 breast cancer. She alienated my friends who called since she only had 4-5 friends. I have many. My facebook has people I went to school with, worked with. And my cell phone has people from the dept I worked with, when I volunteered with the Civil Air Patrol, and my other Search and Rescue Team. Again, she was angered I didnt tell her all my 200 people on my phone.

She complained about the group of people who I went to breakfast with every sunday morning who abused the crap out of me. I should of been with her, but her house wasnt clean, per say. 3 inches of dust and the house had furniture plus the fur babies took over (urine all over the house and cat litter). About 2-3 months after getting rid of me, her house was clean. I havent been there since Thanksgiving.

First time I met her was March 25, 2020. At the height of this pandemic. My mom (who is 85; a former RN for 55 yrs, and an OCD Germophobe) complained about me touching her, hugging her, kissing her I may get germs or something. The day I met her her mom died. I did all I could. And because I wasnt with her the day her mom was cremated (I had to be home,and that day my ex fiancee from 2002-2010 called me) to taunt me and harass me because that is what she did.

It bothers me because it still bothers me. I cant seem to shake it. She killed me inside. Im trying to focus on other things. My blood pressure is not so hot. I cried myself to sleep because I miss her (even though she choked me with a charger cable)I dont know...

[legalboxers]

Hi LegalBoxers,

You should 'get' some friends. They are so important in life. You need people to talk to. People you know care for you and are there for you when you need them. A professional network on facebook is not the same, you are right.

Howcome you don't have any true friends? Was this always this way? Or did this evolve throughout your relationship with your BPD ex? Do they really not have any time for you, or have you neglected the relationship with them, and is shame holding you back from reaching out to them?

Also, you write "I don't know what to do". About what, specifically? About dealing with the passing of her mom, and the date coming up? About meeting her one year ago? I'm not being pedantic here. I'm concerned. Can you put into words what it is specifically where you don't know what to do?

Sometimes when you don't know what to do, the best thing is not to do anything, you know?

as for my friends. Everyone really wrote me off. I have someone I went to high school with who always wants to hang out but she is a bad seed. I dated her cousin. I dont mind my paralegal group on facebook. They call and check on me if I dont post for a few days.