I want her back

[Scott72]

I love my ex so much and only really learned about BPD after we split- I listened to too. Any people telling me to run when I honestly felt I shouldn't. I definitely have a fix it mentality- just the kind that BPD often are with. Bu the thing is, if I knew then what I know nowI am CONVINCED things would've been different. She deserves to be loved wether she's Ill or not and I believe I can be that one. She says she doesn't want to love or be loved again for FERA of hurt and that I deserve someone better. I've tried validating her and it helped a bit. But since we split I have been supporting her financially or she and her daughters would be homeless! I don't get thanks- is that cause she can't? Do I need to have no contact when all I want to do is reassure her of how much I love her!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VeryFree]

Hi Scott,

A few days ago I had the same question. In that topic Sunrising gave a very nice answer, which for me was very helpfull. Read it carefully:

For me, I struggled with this most when I stopped being angry and started feeling sympathy for my ex, because of my new found understanding of BPD.  I actually allowed myself to be involved with a potential recycling attempt because 1) I felt sympathy for her rather than anger towards her and 2) I thought that since I now know there are techniques to better handle a relationship with a pwBPD, I would stand a better chance at making a relationship with my ex work.   

I'll share my feelings on both:

sympathy for her rather than anger- This is just my codependency screaming out:  "How can you shut someone out of your life who is suffering?  It's not her fault she's this way.  You're a bad person if you don't continue to try to take care of her".  aka guilt

I now stand a better chance at making a relationship work- To what end?... .   I would have spent my days focusing on validating her, taking-time-outs, etc and still, no matter how hard I tried, couldn't have made her any healthier.  The only thing that will make her better is a tremendous commitment on her part and years of therapy, if that.  In fact, as I had become her trigger, the most responsible thing I can do for myself and for her is to leave her to work on her own issues, and me on mine.  I have to believe that I deserve relationships which I generally enjoy, not just ones I can "make work"

In the end, I was trying to convince myself that the reality of the situation was something other than it was.  I'm glad this website is called "bpdfamily.com", because every time I see that banner I am reminded how important it is to do just that. 

sunrising

[daze]

This must be hard. You would like another chance and you're helping her financially, but she says she is afraid to love and be in a r/s.

I'm not sure I understand your question about no contact. Who instigated no contact? And how does that work if you help her financially?

[Scott72]

Thank you very scared! That was helpful

[Scott72]

This must be hard. You would like another chance and you're helping her financially, but she says she is afraid to love and be in a r/s.

I'm not sure I understand your question about no contact. Who instigated no contact? And how does that work if you help her financially?

Hi daze

Well she won't see me at all. I'm paying for the rent on her house for at least a couplr more months, I have sent money to her account to help her and even dropped off shopping, however I don't get a thanks, at all. I'm not doing it for that reason, but the seeming absence of gratitude is really hurtful. I had been texting daily, reaffirming my love for her, asking for another chance, I haven't for a few days now- should I continue on the no contact route? I really do miss her, I believe that her BPD is something I could live with, especially if she sought help. I just don't understand how she can say that she loves me but can't be with me .

[Scott72]

Veryscared- are you separated from the one you love too? Trying to win them back? What are you finding? Any advice?

Hi Scott,

A few days ago I had the same question. In that topic Sunrising gave a very nice answer, which for me was very helpfull. Read it carefully:

For me, I struggled with this most when I stopped being angry and started feeling sympathy for my ex, because of my new found understanding of BPD.  I actually allowed myself to be involved with a potential recycling attempt because 1) I felt sympathy for her rather than anger towards her and 2) I thought that since I now know there are techniques to better handle a relationship with a pwBPD, I would stand a better chance at making a relationship with my ex work.   

I'll share my feelings on both:

sympathy for her rather than anger- This is just my codependency screaming out:  "How can you shut someone out of your life who is suffering?  It's not her fault she's this way.  You're a bad person if you don't continue to try to take care of her".  aka guilt

I now stand a better chance at making a relationship work- To what end?... .   I would have spent my days focusing on validating her, taking-time-outs, etc and still, no matter how hard I tried, couldn't have made her any healthier.  The only thing that will make her better is a tremendous commitment on her part and years of therapy, if that.  In fact, as I had become her trigger, the most responsible thing I can do for myself and for her is to leave her to work on her own issues, and me on mine.  I have to believe that I deserve relationships which I generally enjoy, not just ones I can "make work"

In the end, I was trying to convince myself that the reality of the situation was something other than it was.  I'm glad this website is called "bpdfamily.com", because every time I see that banner I am reminded how important it is to do just that. 

sunrising

[VeryFree]

Hi Scott,

I'm going through divorce right now. We had a lot of problems in our 10 years together. The last year was the worst: daily harressments from her side (and later I found out she was preparing the divorce for about a half or maybe a year: took away money etc). Even then I tried to 'win her back'. Acknowledged my own faults, wented to see a T for myself and wanted dearly to go to T together. Well, that never happened:

I left my house about four months ago, after she attacked me and the police was called by both of us.

She turned things around and accused me of molesting her. Being a man I had no choice: leave or been taken. I left... .   For the rest of the story: see my introducingpost.

After that I still tried to come together and speak like adults. Well, that didn't work out. The past months she tries to bring me down both financially and emotionally. That's when the switch went another way, especially after finding these boards. I'm starting to realise that I was in a very unhealthy relationship. A relationship that only could have worked with tremendous effort from both of us. We both should work on our own issues and on our issues together to MAYBE make things liveable.

And even then it's a big question if it works and stands. I agree with Sunrising in the quoted post we have to believe we deserve relationships which are enjoyable, not just bearable.

So for me: no I don't want to win my stbxw back. There's no winning in this I think, it would be just losing... .   I'm trying to win myself back. With help from a T I'm trying to find out more about why I was in this r/s, why I had my boundaries broken, why I didn't realize before that this was very unhealthy. I think we should love/care for ourselves first before getting into any r/s.

For tips: I can only say, that I learned a lot from this boards. Read through the lessons and try to understand them. If I were you I would first look at the lessons about healthy relationships and ask yourself if yours was.

If no: think about if it ever could be. A lot of reading on this boards.

Take care.

 

[Scott72]

Veryscared thank you for your honesty and taking the time to reply.im sorry you have suffered so much! I hope there are better times ahead.

[daze]

Sounds like she's giving you the silent treatment but will accept your financial assistance. You said you are paying her rent for a couple more months. Is there a reason for this?

Since she is giving you the silent treatment, which is typical BPD behavior, if I were you I would continue NC. You dont want to come across as a stalker type who won't take no for an answer. And I would stop helping her financially.

I know it's hard but what else can you do?

Daze

[benny2]

They are very good at the receiving end, but not so good at giving back. With my pwBPD I gave 100% for him and actually started feeling like a fool because he NEVER did anything for me. Now, I don't offer and he does'nt ask. Its putting a lot less stress on me and giving me back my pride. Don't swallow your pride. Don't keep giving of yourself and getting nothing in return.

[Somewhere]

With Mrs. Somewhere, I use the H.O.T. reminder.

"H" for her first name.

Works out as "H" Only Takes -- H.O.T.

That way there is never any expectation.

Her dad cautioned me that H/Mrs. Somewhere rarely says thanks, and never apologizes.  Too bad we had kids before I learned that and what it means.

Back towards the OP -- chances are she thinks You Owe Her the rent you are gifting her.  Or will at least re-write the story that way.

Be glad when you are done with the foolishness.