Protecting myself/changing myself

[foggydew]

I want to try and protect myself so I don't get too hurt all the time., but I don't know how to turn off my feelings.

My BPD persom and I had a romantic (relatively) relationship born out of our like for each other and his support for me after the death of my husband. I'm too old for him, and he now calls me 'mum'  and wants to have other female contact (he thinks, he isn't sure). He's tried fairly often, but it never works (what a surprise). We still have a very close relationship, but I tend to feel hurt and afraid of losing him when he is out looking. I just don't know how to switch off this feeling.

One advantage of not being the romantic partner is that you don't get thrown out so easily - I have no close family and I need a feeling of belonging, which he provides. I've tried for 5 years to change things, but it just doesn't work, although my fear of loss is somewhat better. He is working away from home at the moment, and only comes back irregularly - he shares all his hopes and fears with me, promises to always be there, and otherwise shows he cares. More than for anyone else, and I am accepted as a friend by his family. Would be perfect except for my own failing.

Any ideas what I can do? Oh, I tried finding someone else... that doen't work either.

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[Grey Kitty]

I want to try and protect myself so I don't get too hurt all the time., but I don't know how to turn off my feelings.

I've found that turning off my feelings (actually checking out so I don't experience them) isn't a good solution for me anymore. I've had to face a lot of uncomfortable feelings, and I'm looking at another set of them coming up too. Sigh.

As for what you can do... .what do you want?

Are you satisfied with a non-romantic (or at least non-sexual) relationship with him?

If he has a sexual (possibly romantic) relationship with another (younger) woman, can you accept that too?

[foggydew]

Thanks for your reply, GK. Made me feel as if I at least exist.

Yes, I think I'm happier with a non-sexual relationship. Less stress. And I would wish him a close and satisfying relationship - I'm not going to live for ever. He has had a girlfriend or 2 in the past, and he always tried to include me in the relationship (about one woman he said... she brings her two kids, I bring you). I have always tried to be supportive.

This Christmas he gave me a ring he had made, an took one of mine, laughingly saying 'now we are engaged'. I told him I would never do anything that would damage him, so he did not need to consider it as binding, but as a game he is playing.

But I have to try and deal with the fear of loss, particularly as I don't have any other person so close to me. Seems that getting older is about coping with loss and loneliness and not mattering to anyone really.

Sorry to hear about your uncomfortable feelings coming up. Life is certainly not a basket of roses... .

[Grey Kitty]

Ultimately, your fear of losing him is something you have to live with. You can choose to stay connected to him and trust him to do the same... .or not.

Your not-quite-traditional relationship with him is a little more complicated than a monogamous relationship with him would be, and his BPD patterns and lack of good relationship/communication skills give him a better chance of blowing up a relationship than average.

I wouldn't be surprised at all to find that over the upcoming years he gets involved with a series of younger women, goes through an idealization phase with them, then paints them black in typical BPD fashion, and ends it. Or picks somebody who is messed up enough to make the relationship unstable.

And probably sticks with you throughout all of it, perhaps neglecting/ignoring you some during the beginning of each relationship he starts.

Any ideas what I can do?

I've got three suggestions for you:

1. Accept the sort of scenario I described. (And hope that the next girl he picks doesn't get insanely jealous of you!)

... .and check in with yourself to make sure it won't hurt you too much.

2. Stick around here, and read the lessons / work on the tools, to make your relationship with him go more smoothly.

3. You sound afraid of being lonely. Try to reach out to connect more to other friends and family (even his family). Not to replace this relationship... .so you have more in your own life.

[foggydew]

Once again, thanks. It's really nice of you to take the time to advise me. Your answers have helped give me a bit of courage to continue the path I think is viable... .for the two of us. It may be a non-traditional relationship, as you mention, but there have been many such relationships in the past... and there are still today.

The pattern you mention has already been played through to some extent ... only it is usually the woman who ends it, as his fluctuations between being childlike or overbearing and neglectful don't make for an easy relationship. Yes, there was one woman who was truly insanely jealous, though I fell over backwards trying to reassure her and trying to get him to do so too.  I'll keep my nose out in future.

He will stick around, in one form or the other. He feels safe with me. And I will continue to read the lessons - actually, I grew up with this kind of problem,. in hindsight, not allowing my mother's verbal abuse to come anywhere near my self esteem, ignoring it and dealing with the problem in hand. When I was about 20 I remember thinking ... I can deal with difficult people, so I should do so.

Reading this through, the real problem is my fear - not actually of loneliness, because I don't mind being alone so much - but of not really mattering to anyone. Not having a reason to do anything. I don't like being retired, I loved my job and it provided me with contact, interest... .

I do reach out to his family... but they are 300 miles away.  My husband's family are all busy with their lives, and I'm an afterthought. And I live in a country where I'm a foreigner,

so contact and understanding is not SO easy. My friends are also very busy.

But, you know... .just writing this all down and being honest about it is so... .motivating. Thank you, GK. May your problems become smaller, too.

[Grey Kitty]

Given your non-traditional relationship model, I've got another suggestion for you.

Do some reading and thinking about polyamory and other non-traditional relationship models. Not because you want to have another lover... .but because you ARE already in that sort of relationship. (Being intimately/romantically involved with a guy who has had and probably will have other lovers) Just because you have only one partner doesn't make your relationship monogamous, and neither does the boundary of not being sexual with him.

So you will find the tools to handle one well are going to make your life go more smoothly. (Aside: You will re-confirm that your pwBPD's relationship patterns and skills are likely to continue blowing up relationships, whether he ends them or his partner ends them! Many of them will be on the ":)on't Do This!" lists   )

Good luck.

I've got to admit that I'm not sure how well I'd do in a country that didn't natively speak English. My efforts to learn other languages and connect with people in them have been halting and limited at best. That has to be a challenge, and make it hard to find friends.

[foggydew]

My, how life repeats itself. Open marriage was the term I knew... Read some of your posts and understand where you are coming from. It can work ok, I think, if the balance of power in the realtionship(s) is clear and accepted, and the participants feel secure. Had this set up in my first marriage for a while - but as soon as jealousy sets in problems begin. I really don't know how a BPD person can really cope with that given the fear of abandonment issues - all I can see is that as the "normal" one you have to be able to detach, be super stable and able to cope with everything everyone else is throwing at you. Without becoming insecure yourself.

Please excuse me having a little laugh here ... .it seems that the idea of 'enlightenment' in Buddhism is the ideal... .detach from all disturbing emotions... and then we can cope. I'm not a buddhist, and I'm not laughing at you, but it seems to be 'the way'.

Thanks for this process - you are certainly giving me much to think about. It's very refreshing. Can't really talk about this much with folk round here.