Hi,
Thank you so much for that thoughtful response. The reframing is something extremely useful and a lot for me to think over.
I completely agree that his silence is at heart him being at capacity and a coping strategy. I very much think that he actually feels he is protecting me from his rage by going silent.
The length of time it tends to go on for makes this harder, in the earlier days of our marriage (its been 15 years), he would go silent for a few days, but lately its been months at a time. And sometimes there are just basic things that need to be discussed, I guess I need to find a way to communicate these while demonstrating I won't go any further at the time being.
I would like to be allowed back into my own bed, but I think my presence would aggravate him more at present.
Managing his mother is another story, she lives with us, and puts a lot of pressure on me to call him, interact with him etc. She is desperate for me to end this, and she calls me a doormat and him a 'proud type', she does not understand the nature of his needs. It can be hard to deflect that pressure, but when he thinks I am doing things under her direction it makes him extremely upset. There is obviously a deep wound there in relation to her.
There is a double irony here, I am a speech therapist by profession and often deal with selective mutism, and was also selective mute myself as a child as a trauma response. So, what you are saying should not really come as a surprise to me, yet often we need the outside perspective to join the dots. But yes, I remember well that the anxiety would overwhelm me so much that the words would literally disappear from my head, it was never that I was just being stubborn or difficult. When I work with children now I work to make them relaxed and secure and put no pressure on for them to speak unless they are ready, while also always providing the opportunity to talk.
I'm trying to think through now how to give him that space, and stop trying to 'fix' him, but while leaving the door open to communication. I had sent him a message saying I was ready to talk when he is.
I also sent another message a few days back saying that I love and support him and that hasn't changed, I can see he is frustrated and overwhelmed. He did then make brief eye contact with me the next day and ask me where our daughter was, which was positive. I think for now I will continue to let him be. I'm going away for a month in July, back to my family (pre-arranged nothing to do with the current situation, we live abroad from them). This will give him a fuller space, though I would like to communicate before then, I will see.
Thank you for giving me this space, it can feel like so much thought and energy goes into considering his emotional needs, that there is none left for mine. I don't really know where to begin on looking after myself. I am just counting the days to my holiday right now.